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AIBU?

My grandson in danger of exclusion for biting

191 replies

Angiemm2016 · 26/09/2016 22:57

My grandson is in danger of being excluded for biting other children. His mum is a single parent who works hard to support him and is doing her very best to be a good mum. Although my son and she are no longer together, he does his best to support her and they are good friends - it was a teenage relationship and he is still in uni and she is now in another relationship. We have our grandson every weekend and he is a lovely boy and well behaved - although prone to the odd tantrum. The head has told her that he'd rather lose one child (our gs) than risk losing four pupil premiums which I feel is a very unhelpful thing to say - shouldn't he be seeking the help of other agencies and supporting our gs rather than threatening to expel? Any advice would be great as we're all worried sick - thanks

OP posts:

Report

Memoires · 26/09/2016 23:36

Sorry, part x-post.

Angiemm2016 · 26/09/2016 23:36

Sorry I'm new to this and did actually post the same question in the 'zombie thread' sorry for the confusion

OP posts:

Angiemm2016 · 26/09/2016 23:38

He's just started reception this term

OP posts:

AmeliaJack · 26/09/2016 23:41

He needs to understand that biting is a really really bad thing to do.

I presume that a serious conversation is being held each and every time he does this? Clear expressions of strong disapproval by relevant adults at home?

Stopping TV seems pretty mild.

tiggytape · 26/09/2016 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ericaequites · 26/09/2016 23:51

Have you tried biting him back to show him how much it hurts? It sounds horrid, but it was the only thing that worked for me as a small child.

CodyKing · 26/09/2016 23:52

I think you need to look at how you'd feel if it was your DG being bitten -

Is it one child or random children ?

How has you DIL dealt with school? Has she had a meeting? Is she offering to work with the school or excising his behavior

Is he being seen by any other professionals?

The other parents must be up in arms complaining about your DG and the head may well be fed up of it

Yes they can exclude - and should be seen to be doing something otherwise other parents will walk

LucyBabs · 26/09/2016 23:59

Four is still a baby really.. I looked after four year olds in crèche.. Most had grown out of the biting stage but a few with delayed speech still bit the other children. It was frustration and lack of language skills.
Erica a parent of the one of the children I looked after used the "bite back" method. It didn't work and was bloody cruel imo

PaulAnkaTheDog · 27/09/2016 00:02

Have you tried biting him back to show him how much it hurts?

Good God, never so this!

Yorkieheaven · 27/09/2016 00:05

Biting back! No no no.

x2boys · 27/09/2016 00:12

Well they cant just exclude thet need to be following policy there are loads of illegal exclusions make sure tbis isnt happening as its al to common .mumsnet special needs is good for this!

a7mints · 27/09/2016 00:15

Just tell him not to bite people

Oh, thank goodness you came along!
I bet the OP never even thought of that!

bumsexatthebingo · 27/09/2016 00:18

What have the school done so far to address the issue other than threaten exclusion? There have been at least 10 occasions so the teacher must have some kind of idea what is triggering the biting.
If I was the mother I would be meeting with the senco and pushing for an ed psych and ot referral (though the charming head will no doubt be reluctant to pay). It isn't typical for a child that age to be biting frequently and coupled with the issues with listening and eye contact there may well be some sen going on.
If your gs is still under the HV I would speak to them or the family gp too and try to get an appointment with a paediatrician. Your gs may well need 1-1 support at times during the school day and is entitled to it if that is what he needs to be able to access his education. IME though schools often try to get parents of 'difficult' disabled children to take their children out of the school as it is a lot easier for them. The headteacher sounds like this is the approach he is taking (threatening exclusion is common for this reason). You may have a fight on your hands to get your gs the support he needs. Good luck!

x2boys · 27/09/2016 00:32

This is very true bumsex my son goes to a sn school so his behavipur however challengig is rarely mentione i agree my child isnt difficult hes disabled but he gets dla goes to a special school etc.

PikachuBoo · 27/09/2016 00:37

Ten times in four weeks does sound extreme - if you were the parent I'd be advising you to take it very seriously.

I agree with comments above that you need to ask for meeting with the senco and pushing for an ed psych assessment.

bumsexatthebingo · 27/09/2016 00:46

And also if your son gets the support he needs it will be much better for all the children.
Mainstream schools can't afford to adequately provide for the needs of the pupils they now need to accommodate imo and it is definitely the case (wrongly imo) that the squeaky wheel gets the grease ie you have to be pretty pushy to ensure your child gets the support they are entitled to.

bumsexatthebingo · 27/09/2016 00:53

*grandson sorry!

maras2 · 27/09/2016 01:08

What does four pupil premiums mean?

IMissGrannyW · 27/09/2016 01:16

Biting 10 times in 4 weeks is extreme - I don't blame the school for threatening to exclude. I bet every parent in the class is aware and terrified it might happen to their precious 4 year old. I would be.

When DD was about 2, she had a biter in her nursery. She came home with bite marks on her skin where I could see the indent of every tooth of the biter - top and bottom jaws. It happened 3 times. Still furious about it. Still want to kick him to fuck. Nursery refused to give me the name of the child. DD told me it. AND when he did it, they gave him special 1:1 time, which (to me at the time - I think differently now - rewarded him for this behaviour), but they took him away from the group and gave him special attention.

FF 10 years, and DD starts secondary school. There's a very, very autistic kid in her class. She doesn't know or remember, but it's biter boy.

And for me, everything drops into place.

Not saying your GS is autistic, but (as others have said) maybe he's frustrated about communication.

Don't know about where you live, but round here, you can't get a diagnosis (unless it is very, very extreme) before the child is around 7 (because our CAMHS says that the developing brain changes so much and so quickly).

So you are stuck with containing until you can get a referral for a diagnosis. If it's that.

I get this isn't helpful, and I wish you good luck. there are support groups out there for parents who have children with SEN. Google. Ask your local council (the one with responsibility for education) and they should be able to signpost you. These are groups which exist to support parents and carers.

Good luck!

But, also, don't go into school all defensive ("he's a lovely boy" etc). They'll know and see his good sides. Go in offering to work with them. Because then they are less likely to exclude and more likely to support you with the next steps.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 27/09/2016 01:16

Good advice, especially from bumsex.

You / your dd need to be very proactive on this. Your grandson is using biting as a regular behaviour, and you need to be moving heaven and earth to work out why. Honestly, biting this frequently is very unusual and it's not acceptable.

So being very proactive about getting your gs support and intervention is really important, especially as the school sound like they want to shift the problem away from themselves, rather than work together with you to solve the problem.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 27/09/2016 03:50

Just tell him not to bite people

Something tells me that someone along the line may have suggested this to the young lad after 10 biting incidents. It hasn't worked.

Have you tried biting him back to show him how much it hurts?

He won't be able to make the link between what he's done at school (it doesn't appear that he bites at home) and being bitten by an adult several hours later.

While we are in the market for useless suggestions, why not smear all the children in his class with Tabasco Oil or Hot Mustard so that when he bites them, he'll get an unpleasant burning taste?

miraclebabyplease · 27/09/2016 04:06

It must be extreme for a head to be threatening to exclude a child. Too many exclusions can trigger Ofsted so most try to avoid at all costs.

Your son and your gs mum (your son need to come home from uni and go in as a united front) needs to have an urgent meeting with the senco and the teacher. If all are in the same room then a plan for support can be formed.

Ericaequites · 27/09/2016 05:18

Biting back only works if you do it right away. It worked for me and my cousins. Yes, it's cruel. But biting that often is cruel to the innocent children who are bitten. Imagine the complaints other parents are making!

honkinghaddock · 27/09/2016 06:01

Biting back wouldn't work at all for my child. He wouldn't get the connection and would just see the other person as hurting him.
Everyone needs to be looking at why the child is biting and at strategies that lead to the child not doing it.

phillipp · 27/09/2016 06:02

He doesn't have any Sen diagnosed but I notice that he doesn't answer questions at times and has to be told to listen and look at me when I speak to him at times

so did my son at four that's not unusual.

What about his behaviour in general? You say your son supports the mother but you have him every weekend? Do you have him or does your son live in your house and he has him?

If it's you that has him, when does his dad have him? I am wondering if his behaviour is linked to this, that's why I am asking this.

I can't quite work out wether your grandson rarely sees his dad, or is spending significant amounts of time in three households.

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