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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if any of you regret being a SAHM

104 replies

callycat1 · 26/09/2016 16:05

I feel like working (even part time) just isn't working. I'm a bad mum and a bad employee if that makes sense.

Financially childcare takes my salary so no better off. But what about the future?

So I am wondering about your experiences ?

OP posts:

zoebarnes · 26/09/2016 16:09

No regrets, 5 years in. Hasn't always been a bed of roses but I made the right choice for us.
Yes it's been a big sacrifice in terms of my career, but I made that choice with my eyes open. When the kids are older and I go back to work I have the rest of my life to work on my career, they won't ever be this small again.
I recognise we're incredibly lucky to be able to have a choice.

TormundGiantsbabe · 26/09/2016 16:09

I thought I wanted to be a sahm but in reality I just had a dead end job I hated and untreated depression/anxiety. A year into being a sahm, and 3 months into starting medication for my mental health and I came to the realisation that it's quite boring and I'm not very good at it.

Original poster

callycat1 · 26/09/2016 16:20

My worry is I would be rubbish at being at home.

OP posts:

mrsvilliers · 26/09/2016 16:23

Five years and I'm still on the fence as to whether it was the right decision or not. Planning on getting a job when dd starts nursery.

StrawberryQuik · 26/09/2016 16:24

How sorted are your long term finances if you SAH?

I'm on mat leave and I think I'm going to go back part time even though I'd rather stay home because we're still renting and we'll be more likely to get a mortgage with two earners rather than one.

voluptuagoodshag · 26/09/2016 16:25

No regrets at all and they are at school, youngest in P7 and I've no intention of going back to work.

Blueskyrain · 26/09/2016 16:26

Are you the same CallieCat that recently posted about how your husband is sabataging your return to work because he wants you to stay at home?

shadesofwinter · 26/09/2016 16:28

I spent 2 years as a SAHM and loved it. I did get to a point towards the end of that period where I started to feel a bit unfulfilled. I now have a very different job in a school which fits in around the kids and which I really enjoy and am good at. I came to the conclusion that my issue originally was that I didn't enjoy my job any more and the hours and stress weren't working for my family.

Original poster

callycat1 · 26/09/2016 16:28

He thinks life would be easier with one of us at home, yeah, I'm starting to agree!

OP posts:

lucy101101 · 26/09/2016 16:29

I am a SAHM and have been for 6 years but my youngest is 2.5 and I feel I want to go back now. I don't regret it (well not at the moment!) but I think PT would be the ideal....

CigarsofthePharoahs · 26/09/2016 16:31

I don't regret it, but then I hated my old job!
Some days can be tough, but I remind myself that I could be back in that stupid shop taking crap from customers and bored out of my skull.
Also the logistics of getting to work and childcare were a stress that, for us, just weren't worth it.

Tootsiepops · 26/09/2016 16:33

I'm a sahm and I love my daughter but hate the drudgery of constant feeds / naps / nappy changes etc. It's v dull. I thought I would be really content staying at home with my LO until she went to school, but she's 10 months now and I think I want to go back to work.

Floralnomad · 26/09/2016 16:37

I worked very pt ( I night shift) per week until 2 yrs ago ,my youngest DC is 17 , I then had a year off sick ( 2 operations) and then retired because I didn't want to go back to work . I feel that whether it works or not depends very much on the relationship you have with your DH and what the expectations are on both sides . For example my DH has never expected for me to stay home and do all the house work , I do do all the washing and cooking and keep the house tidy but he still does his share . We have always had a joint account and I am the one who deals with all the finances .

MistressMolecules · 26/09/2016 16:38

I have been a sahm since March (only went back properly after mat leave and 12 weeks holiday allowance about 6 weeks earlier!) due to dh new job meaning we couldn't cover childcare for the late night and weekend shifts I did, (we previously worked alternative shifts). I personally think my daughter would be better off in nursery even if it is only for one day a week - we go to a couple of toddler groups but I am only just starting to get into a routine with them so maybe the socializing for her will get better (she is 20 months). One benefit for me is I can do my degree (pt OU) and as dd2 doesn't sleep through I am not exhausted at my boring job which made the days feel like weeks. I think it can be swings and roundabouts really - if you can ensure that your child still gets the socializing that they would in a childcare setting and you can find something from it the benefits you (even if it is a nap when they nap sort of thing if they don't sleep through yet!) then it can work. It really has taken me 6 months to start to like it and I am still not completely sold on it (on mat leave there was always the "I will be back at work one day" but as a sahp then it can seem like there will be no end to it )

Blueskyrain · 26/09/2016 16:45

If you are the same CallieCat, please don't do it. He's emotionally abusive, is systematically distancing you from people, he pressured you into having a baby when you didn't want one.

Don't let his manipulation take your life further away from what you want. He's not being fair to you.

Original poster

callycat1 · 26/09/2016 16:46

It's just really hard. The days I work are chaos and to be honest it's difficult to feel motivated when there's no financial gain only loss.

OP posts:

MistressMolecules · 26/09/2016 16:47

FloralNomad, your set up sounds similar to ours with regard finances, housework split etc, without that there is even less chance that it would work out for the long term.

hennybeans · 26/09/2016 16:48

I've been one for quite a long time and love it. It took me a few years to get "established" though, knowing where to make friends, best places to take dc, getting a good routine. And it was a lot harder when I had very small children as opposed to pre schoolers/ school age dc. Most importantly though, my marriage is very solid and DH absolutely treats me as an equal. If there was ever an inkling that he thought I was less than him or tried to control me in any way, I would not sah.

anothermalteserplease · 26/09/2016 16:51

I'm mainly at home but do a little self employed work each month to keep my professional qualification relevant. I don't regret giving up my career at all. I'm happy being home with our children and life works easier for us with me being there for school drop offs and pick ups etc. However I only do it because I have full support from my husband (support and not pressure) and I have access to all our banking and financial info.

notinagreatplace · 26/09/2016 16:58

I get the sense that the way he sees it, you being at home is the default option and the “way it should be” and – therefore – you working part-time is something you need to deal with all.by.yourself.

That really isn’t fair and you shouldn’t let him frame the discussion that way. I think the default should be that both of you take on 50% of the housework, 50% of the childcare and both financially provide for your baby. The childcare that you use doesn’t just allow you to work, it allows him to work, don’t see it as all coming out of your salary.

Why are the days you work so hard? Based on your previous thread, it’s because your DH is completely unsupportive and won’t do his share. If you give up work now, that will just get worse and worse, and because you’ve only just qualified as a teacher, it will be really hard for you to return. You should tell him, “I want to continue to work” and ask him what he is going to do to make things easier. If he thinks a parent should be at home, why doesn’t he reduce or compress his hours to be home more?

gillybeanz · 26/09/2016 16:59

25 years in and absolutely no regrets, but strangely enough job seeking atm.
Just need a bit of company besides dh now the dc have mostly left now.
I'm only looking pt though as don't want to give up my independance.
I love being able to come and go as I please, not have to answer to anybody, do what I want, when i want to and most importantly live as I feel fit.
So, if I want a few really late nights I can do this and not have to get up early in the morning, make my own routine.
I love that I can pursue hobbies and interests and have time for all my family.
I loved being able to take my time on school run when dc were little, have play dates, tea parties and take them to activities that weren't determined on my or dh work. some kids can only go when parents aren't working.
I could add so many more, but I'm sure you get the drift.
No regrets at all.

Original poster

callycat1 · 26/09/2016 17:05

He won't, in fairness his job doesn't really lend itself to compressing his hours. But to be honest I don't think it's DH. I think I tried to blame him as i didn't want to admit I was crap and couldn't cope. The truth is I wanted things to be like they were before I had DS but obviously that will never happen.

OP posts:

FarAwayHills · 26/09/2016 17:05

OP if you are the same person who has previously posted about your DH being unsupportive about your return to work, I would think seriously about being a SAHM.

liletsthepink · 26/09/2016 17:05

Has anyone actually told you that you are a bad mum or a bad employee? Does your DH do his share of housework or childcare?

I suggest that you try to keep working because it's much better to have some independence and earn your own money rather than be completely reliant on an unsupportive, possibly abusive husband (I remember your previous post too).

Original poster

callycat1 · 26/09/2016 17:06

He does loads of childcare and maybe less housework but he works more hours. I can't fault him. He is very hands on with DS.

OP posts:

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