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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if any of you regret being a SAHM

104 replies

callycat1 · 26/09/2016 16:05

I feel like working (even part time) just isn't working. I'm a bad mum and a bad employee if that makes sense.

Financially childcare takes my salary so no better off. But what about the future?

So I am wondering about your experiences ?

OP posts:

Original poster

callycat1 · 26/09/2016 20:50

DS being ill is such a worry. He has a cold at the moment. I think if the childminder says on Wednesday she can't have him it's so difficult. There are lots of long term implications too though.

OP posts:

Bigbongos123 · 26/09/2016 21:05

Oh Cally.

I wish you were ready to hear what these posters are telling you

I hope you find the strength to keep your job, build that confidence and see things more clearly once you've found yourself again. The very fact you are posting this means he's done exactly what he set out to do. And well at that, since you've changed your tune so much. You deserve to work and you deserve to be treated equal.

for you.

TheAntiBoop · 26/09/2016 21:16

I spent two years thinking I was a crap mum and a crap employee because I worked part time. Now I am out the other side and the cost of childcare are much lower. Dh had change in circumstance as well so me having a regular income is really important. I also enjoy working more now as I don't feel so torn.

I'm so glad I didn't give up because I would have found it so hard to get back in to where I am. It was definitely a good long term decision although a little painful in the short term

Original poster

callycat1 · 26/09/2016 21:29

I do want to work, but I also want to be good at what I do and unfortunately at the moment I'm just not.

I want things to be as they were before DS and that obviously isn't possible!

I feel like I could leave, have another baby, get the preschool children out of the way and return to teaching?

OP posts:

TheAntiBoop · 26/09/2016 21:37

Your confidence is low. After being back a year and thinking I was a waste of space I had an appraisal and my boss said he was really pleased with how it was all going (he hadn't been sure about the part time thing)

I think you need to give yourself more time - how long have you actually been back at work?

coldtoes96 · 26/09/2016 21:48

I am sahm but just started pt self employed. Not sure if your career allows for something similar but yes do try and keep your hand in ...if your DH left you, you'd be vulnerable. Ex wives are required to work these days! If you are feeling stretched, could your DH pay for some cleaning/do a bit more to support you? I know ft sahm sounds tempting when tired at work but it's not all a bed of roses..a balance is best i think if you can manage it

TheSparrowhawk · 26/09/2016 21:48

DO NOT leave your job.

Topseyt · 26/09/2016 21:52

U spent 15 years as a SAHM through necessity due to childcare costs.

I don't regret being there for my children when they were very young but I did regret the loss of my own salary and independence. I also felt largely unappreciated and undervalued in general.

Also, the longer you are out of the workplace the harder it can be to get back into your experience fades into the past and becomes less relevant. I was searching and searching for work for at least three years, which was very disillusioning and dehumanising. I regret that too.

I have seen your other thread though haven't read absolutely all of it. I hope you will sometime or another take the good advice others with more experience.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 26/09/2016 21:52

I've been a sahm for nearly 15yrs now - 3 dc (and a dog) -no regrets at all. I'm at home for everything that needs to be done, to run around for anything on at the dc's schools, etc. DH is a high earner and works fairly long hours though - so it works for us. I do have my own money too though (an inheritance) so I wouldn't be left high and dry if he walked out on me.

I would work again if I needed to - but I'm not going to at the moment. I find plenty to keep me busy.

Topseyt · 26/09/2016 21:54

Aretha. Meant I spent 15 years as a SAHM.

Original poster

callycat1 · 26/09/2016 21:55

Only been back since the start of the autumn term but it is so hard

OP posts:

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 26/09/2016 21:57

Callycat - I've just realised it's you.

Do not leave your job! It's clear you don't want to - I've read your whole other thread (and posted on it).

It will only work out being a sahm if you really want to be one - and you clearly want to continue working.

Original poster

callycat1 · 26/09/2016 21:59

I thought I did Under but now I am just not so sure!

OP posts:

AnythingMcAnythingface · 26/09/2016 21:59

I feel like I could leave, have another baby, get the preschool children out of the way and return to teaching?

Do not bring another child into this situation. You need to give your self a good talking to and work on your confidence, your self talk, your negativity.

You are brilliant. End of story. No I don't need to know you. Everyone is pretty brilliant. You just need to discover that again and walk a little taller again.

But you are not a victim unless you allow yourself to be a victim. You always have some control. If I was in your situation I would stay at work.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 26/09/2016 22:00

There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to be a SAHM but:
A. You need to really, really want to do it;
B. Not be married to an arsehole.

^ This, absolutely this. I'm a sahm, but I'm not married to an arsehole, and I really wanted to be (a sahm). I love it actually.

But you want to keep your job, and why the fuck shouldn't you?

The reason it's so hard is because he's making it so hard for you.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 26/09/2016 22:01

^Is what I posted on your other thread.

MistressPage · 26/09/2016 22:01

Only you can answer this really OP. I'm a full time mum and I love it and am genuinely fulfilled, but I am on the older side for a first baby (so already achieved everything I wanted to in my career) and also blessed with a saint of a husband who is a feminist through and through and sees my job as solely childcare and the housework is still joint responsibility.

I can imagine without that support it might be a different picture. And if there is any doubt on that front you would do well to keep some independance. I hope it works out for you whatever happens.

Brokenbiscuit · 26/09/2016 22:04

OP, please don't leave your job. You said on your other thread that you wanted to keep your job and that your DH was effectively sabotaging your return to work. Why are you letting him win? This is all wrong!

Original poster

callycat1 · 26/09/2016 22:05

That was how it felt at the time, now I'm not sure that is the case.

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 26/09/2016 22:10

OP, I think you should go full time in work and tell your DH to be the SAH parent.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 26/09/2016 22:11

OP, my love, you said you loved your workmates, and you love your job. That is a reason to keep it.

You are struggling with motherhood (no doubt because it wasn't your genuine choice at that time) and you're scared your DH is going to make you move away.

You will have no choice, no independence at all, if you become a sahm and have another baby now. I'm worried you will lose all sense of yourself.

Brokenbiscuit · 26/09/2016 22:13

And that's exactly what he wants, to make you start doubting your own mind. And it's working.

You've said previously that you find being a mum hard, that you don't find doing the baby stuff easy. What on earth makes you think it's going too be better for you if you're with your baby full time? If you have only just gone back to work, I presume that you were on maternity leave prior to that. Yes, the logistics were probably easier, but were you happy being at home with the baby? Did you miss work? Is that how you want your life to be going forward?

SAH is fine if it suits you, but it's not right for everyone, and it's not the easy option. I think you would really regret it, because I believe you're choosing it for all the wrong reasons.

Original poster

callycat1 · 26/09/2016 22:14

I really like my workmates but things are different now. The girl who did my maternity stayed on and they all have sort of replaced me with her. I know that sounds so childish and selfish. I obviously can't hang round and chat any more. I used to go for drinks/meals after work and now I can't.

OP posts:

QueenSpartacusOfTheAndals · 26/09/2016 22:17

OP, having seen two friends recently, who gave up their careers to be SAHMs and make life easier for their husbands, now face returning to the workforce after 15-16 years away from it because their husbands are leaving them, I would say don't do it. Don't ever be financially reliant on a man. Especially in your case where it sounds like your husband has the potential to be emotionally and financially abusive.

If you hate your job then look for another one. Perhaps that's the real issue here and it's your workPLACE rather than work that you're unhappy with?

lozzylizzy · 26/09/2016 22:17

I have been on two very close maternity leaves and I enjoyed being a sahm then but I begin to get a little lazy and my use of time isn't as good as when I work. Sounds silly but I need a routine more than the kids!

At the moment I work three evenings and a Saturday and it makes me feel good that I don't need childcare!

You want to work op I reckon and trying to get MN to convince you xx

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