Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To ask if any of you regret being a SAHM

104 replies

callycat1 · 26/09/2016 16:05

I feel like working (even part time) just isn't working. I'm a bad mum and a bad employee if that makes sense.

Financially childcare takes my salary so no better off. But what about the future?

So I am wondering about your experiences ?

OP posts:

Brokenbiscuit · 26/09/2016 22:17

I think you said your DH is off work on Thursdays. Why can't you go out for a drink with some of your workmates then? It sounds like you could do with building up some good friendships where you live, and DH can look after the baby. A decent partner would facilitate this, especially given the difficulties you've had adapting to being a mum.

Original poster

callycat1 · 26/09/2016 22:20

He's sometimes off Thursdays, not every Thursday. I guess I could ask. I just feel tired and uncomfortable in my work clothes and want to get home!

OP posts:

AutumnMadness · 26/09/2016 22:22

Callycat, methinks that the moment you drop your job your husband is going to start not only criticising you for being a crap housewife/mother but also for being a crap housewife/mother when you are not working and have all the time in the world! Do you really think that you husband is going to stop treating you like a faulty domestic appliance just because you become all wonderful and accommodating?

pennygoodlife · 26/09/2016 22:23

I've been a SAHM for 5 years following redundancy . I haven't missed the office, the politics, the ladder climbing, the juggling, the guilt etc etc. My kids have thrived having me at home (now 10 & 6). I have never been bored. That said I've got the opportunity of a well paid p/t, flexible role which I will take because we have (will have) school
Fees to pay. Everyone tells me I'll love it, it'll be good for me to get back to work and I'm sure all that is true but
I'm Dreading the juggling and guilt. Fact is I'm going back for the money and to give my kids a better future. If I think they are suffering I won't stick it, we'll find another way. I have felt guilty whilst not working trying to justify why i don't work, occasionally I've had a few twiddling my thumbs moments but generally not having to worry about time to Xmas shop, whose doing pick up and juggling schedules with DH, covering holidays far out ways anything else. Above all I've learned that you do not compare your life to anyone else's some people are born to be career women, some are able but not willing, some marriages need a SAHP in order for the other to succeed but you have to be content in yourself or you won't be happy. You get one life and the kids are small for such a short time. Be happy

ThisIsPlanetEarth · 26/09/2016 22:25

Callycat1 I read your other full thread as well and am worried about you. Agree with Bluesky and others your DH is still pressuring you to give up work. Did you go and see your GP or HV? Others have said you may have PND, you said you haven't bonded with your baby, didn't want one in the first place, now you are talking about giving up your job and having another baby??? You need support and someone to talk too, you are in some sort of denial. You said you didn't want counselling maybe you should seriously look into it. You are putting these posts on MN for a reason, please get help, good luck x

Original poster

callycat1 · 26/09/2016 22:28

GP wasn't very helpful, it's put me off to be honest. I think maybe the problem is trying to do too much. A demanding job, young baby, a flat to sort .

OP posts:

EarSlaps · 26/09/2016 22:29

I'm now in the position of returning to work after an absence of eight years and I do wish I'd worked part time.

We relocated whilst I was pregnant with DS1, and with no local family I didn't want to try and juggle finding work and childcare to match each other. So DH and I decided I would SAH.

It has been hard work, and I don't think I always had the patience or enthusiasm for it. I feel poor DS2 was slightly neglected as I think I'd got a bit bored and ready to move on by the time he was a preschooler (plus DS1 was so intense I just needed a rest). That said, the DCs have loved having me around and we are all very close

I now feel a bit lacking in confidence and quite low about if I will find a job with hours that suit our family. DH has a job with long hours and often works away, so all childcare and housework, gardening etc falls to me. I'm lucky that we live in a big city so there will be something, but I will have to wait for the right thing.

AutumnMadness · 26/09/2016 22:34

Yes, of course, Callycat, you are trying to juggle too much - a new baby, a demanding job, a flat, trying to make an arse of a husband happy ... I wonder which one of these to drop?

Seriously, babies, jobs and houses can be juggled no problem if there are two people doing the juggling. Actually, babies in nurseries are a lot easier to juggle than children in schools (nurseries don't close for holidays!). Your only problem is you husband who is playing at being a stone around your neck.

Brokenbiscuit · 26/09/2016 22:35

No, OP, the problem really isn't trying to do too much. They problem is that you have an abusive, controlling husband who makes you feel like crap. If you give up work, he'll find something else for you too feel crap about. OP, please don't allow him to grind you down like this. It doesn't have to be this way.

Original poster

callycat1 · 26/09/2016 22:38

Honestly he isn't like that, I feel the more I deny it the less everyone will believe me but he isn't.

OP posts:

Brokenbiscuit · 26/09/2016 22:44

But cally, on the basis of all that you've told us, he is like that. Unless everything that you wrote on your other thread was all made up, then he is not behaving as any decent partner would. I know you don't want to accept that yet, and that's fair enough, but if you're going to stay with him, please don't give up your financial independence.

Have you actually talked to him about what he could do to make things easier for you?

strawberrybootlace · 26/09/2016 22:44

Oh goodness OP please don't drop your job if there's even a hint of your dp being abusive.

As pps have said, SAH only works well (and can be brilliant) if you really, really want to do it and have a very equal partnership with your OH. It sounds like you should keep as much independence as possible.

AutumnMadness · 26/09/2016 22:47

Yes, he is like that. Otherwise you would not be here talking about how you are not coping with a part-time job and a baby. The only reasons I can think of a woman would not cope with a part-time job and a baby are: she has mental health issues such as PND, the child has major health issues and the specialist care needed cannot be split between two people, and last - the woman is undermined by her partner. Think, which one are you? If you were not undermined by your partner, surely you would be asking for advice about how to deal with mental health issues, for instance, as opposed to just giving up work so you can do nursery runs and clean floors better.

Either way, I really do not think that you are looking at the root of the problem, which means it will not go away when you drop work. Most likely, you will end up in the same place, just with less money and independence.

MrsMcMoo · 26/09/2016 22:55

I think it would be a terrible risk. Please don't. If your relationship isn't great, you need to have an exit strategy, and it can be very difficult to get back into work again once you've been out for a while. Being a sahm can be great if you're suited to it and you have a dp who genuinely has your best interests at heart. Otherwise, it can be disempowering in the extreme. If you have a job, he knows you're his equal, and he also knows that you can leave. Some people cannot be trusted with the power that 'sole breadwinner' inevitably conveys.

stopgap · 26/09/2016 23:01

I've been a SAHM for five years, driven initially by my developing an autoimmune disease, and then by my son being diagnosed on the autism spectrum.

My health is in an excellent spot these days, and my son's ASD is barely detectable and requires little more than occupational therapy (which he gets at school, anyway), but I don't feel a massive desire to head back to work right now. I am in the massively fortunate position of being able to work freelance, should I so choose, but right now I'm enjoying being home with my boys (ages 5 and 2). I live on a rambling 20 acres, and so enjoy having friends over to visit, taking the youngest for days out that are too busy at the weekend etc. It helps that I live in an area dominated my stay at home parents, so have a large network of friends and acquaintances. I'm never bored, as I don't have much of a chance to rest between playing with the kids, ferrying the kids to activities etc. I think a full-time job with my health condition and a husband whose gone 12 hours a day would not be feasible.

stopgap · 26/09/2016 23:01

*who is gone

WhisperingLoudly · 26/09/2016 23:02

I was a SAHM for 6 years. Enjoyed it but saw a number of friends/colleagues shafted by their DHs who cheated and became stuck.

It'd has always been my intention to return but their experiences encouraged me.

SheepyFun · 26/09/2016 23:08

I work one day a week - I realise that I'm very very lucky to have a job where that works (mostly). I negotiated that as a return from mat leave, so it's a 'professional' job, with some flexibility. My relationship with my OH is good, but his health is, shall we say, interesting. He's able to work at the moment, but that may not always be the case. One reason I still work (aside from my mental health) is to keep my foot in the door should our financial situation change. That could happen to anyone for lots of reasons, which makes me wary of being a full time SAHM.

Emeralda · 26/09/2016 23:16

Cally, are you able to say that you found off-putting about going to see the GP?

Please don't make a big decision like giving up work when you're feeling like this.

EdithBouvierBeale · 26/09/2016 23:21

I was a SAHM for a few years. XDH worked away and I found working part time was difficult because he was so unsupportive. I gave up work to make things easier. It wasn't. He was less supportive and grudged every penny i spent. So, I left him. I now have to work full time. It is easier than working part time with an unsupportive husband. Please retain a bit of yourself,

Airandmungbeans · 26/09/2016 23:22

I've been a stay at home mum for four years and I don't regret a second of it. It has been truly wonderful to dedicate myself to my children, but I do wish I was financially independent, I hate relying on DH for money and he's started to control all of our funds, giving me very little to get by. If I had the chance to start over, I would have kept a part time job. I've started retraining to get myself back into the workforce around the time my DC start school.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 26/09/2016 23:33

Yes, you absolutely must have access to money if you are to become a sahm. Our bank accounts are joint, we both have savings in our own name, I have full and equal access to the money. It's teamwork. I couldn't and wouldn't do it otherwise.

Callycat, do you know how the finances would work if you gave up work? Be honest with yourself - will you have access to the money he earns?

StVincent · 27/09/2016 12:53

Wise words from Edith there.

manyathingyouknow · 27/09/2016 13:41

I'm not sure I could do it because I value my financial independence and just could not be reliant on anyone for money

bibliomania · 27/09/2016 13:49

Cally, keep your job, ditch your H.

You would be putting yourself completely at the mercy of someone who does not have your best interests at heart.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread