To ask if any of you regret being a SAHM

[callycat1]

I feel like working (even part time) just isn't working. I'm a bad mum and a bad employee if that makes sense.

Financially childcare takes my salary so no better off. But what about the future?

So I am wondering about your experiences ?

You are not crap and the only reason you find it hard cope is because your DH is not supportive.

I'm a sahm and while I do love it a word of warning it can leave you very vulnerable.
Dh and I spoke about it at length, both happy with the decision for me to become a sahm I handed my resignation in and 2 weeks later found out dh was having an affair and have become a single mother of 3 on benefits.
Having kept my job would have helped a great deal.

If you're not doing it for the money but to maintain an adult life outside the house, would you be better volunteering somewhere where you could put in some hours that don't require paid-for child-care?

Obviously if your children are not old enough for free nursery hours or school this isn't an option, but it might keep you sane and give you some adult interaction.

You might even be able to get some CV building experience to get your career going again once you don't want to be a SAHM any more.

You can't fault someone that basically tricked you into getting pregnant, manipulates you into thinking of giving up work and pressurised you into sex.

Your relationship with him isn't normal or healthy. This current post is because of how he's treating you. Have you sorted out your contraception yet, or is he still controlling that?

Can't you see, if he was sabotaging your work, he's succeeding, and once again, he's got you exactly where he wants you, the compliant, placid SAHW, taking his lead, doing what he thinks is best again, although just last week you wanted to work full time.take a step back and look at this isituation objectively, please.

I do regret it a teeny bit, I look wistfully at my school mates with their successful careers and wish I had one too.
But then I am so glad I've been here for my children any time they need me. I don't have to stress if one is ill and needs a day off, I can make every school appointment, summer fayres etc.

I read an article that stuck with me and it was on people's regrets on their death bed. The number one regret was not having spent enough time with their children and I'm glad I won't have to experience that.
I just wish getting back in to work was a bit easier!

I'm frankly not sharing my experiences with a poster who 5 minutes ago was describing sickening bullying from her husband who was trying to force her into staying at home, dependant on him, after lying about his apparent knowledge of 'cycles' and impregnating her with children she didn't want.

An independent woman choosing to become a SAHM after weighing up a variety of pros and cons with a loving and supportive partner, sure, let's chat.

But no, I'm not going to feed your husband's desire to make you a house-servant. It's not like "Sure, I'll just give up my whole existence and become a locked-up slave to this man in exchange for easy school pickups." I'm not going to fall into the trap of taking his side for you.

My ex didn't want me to work. Pressured me to give up my job and then left!

I have two children with additional needs. Been out of the workplace 16 years.

I would advise you to keep your job! In the current climate it's awful to be jobless as seen as a sponger.

I regret it. I think I have just let it go on too long really - I found it hard but rewarding when the kids were small but now I feel frustrated and unfulfilled. I have lost my motivation and can't see my way back into the workplace.

I think working part time with young children is very hard work at the time, but you're maintaining your skills and career progression and I think you'll be grateful for that in the future.

Is your husband the one who won't take your son to the childminder when you work? If so then he's a big part of the reason why it's hard. He is making you feel that you're failing at your home life because he wants the whole household to revolve around him. Sorry if that isn't you!

Anyway, my advice is to stick with it, and cut yourself some slack on the housework front.

Sancia??

I just am struggling. I really don't know what people would have me do. The fact is we have a child. What can I do about that, nothing. Motherhood has not so far been a dream. Working whilst trying to organise childcare is really hard. I'm always tired, always in pain, always aching somehow.i don't feel comfortable or confident at work, and can people not see how tempting it is to step away from that.

Im really glad i went back to work (part time) although i wasn't sure at the time. I have a cleaner who does 5 hours a week whixh helps and my mum has baby 1 day.

If you feel it would be better for you as a family then go for it.

I have also worked part time and yes it is a juggling act especially when DCs were little. I was spending most of my salary on nursery fees and it does make you wonder if it's worthwhile.

My experience is yes it was 100% worthwhile. I retained my independence and sense of self and I had a life other than being mum. I enjoyed my time at home but if I had to do that everyday I know that I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much.

Hang in there OP it will get easier

I have been a sahm for four years now and have two DD. The way I would describe myself now is bored. The reality of being at home full time is the endless drudgery of housework and cooking. I admit I am of the the opinion if I am at home full time then all that is my responsibility and that while DH does half at weekends it is only the stuff that cannot wait until Monday morning and my working week begins again. Once the children go to school it is very hard for me to justify my DH working and me having so much free time (although I could just keep the endless of cycle of housework going but to a higher standard) I am not a particularly intelligent person but the lack of stimulating is difficult. However I feel it was the right choice for us (although I have complete control of household finances and would insist upon this as one is extremely vulnerable when not working in the paid sense) I enjoy being the person who is with my girls, we have fun times and I like that I know everything about them and their day to day experiences, we are rarely in a rush and can stop and literally smell the roses. Also if they are sick there is no problem but if I sick then that's bad as there is no back up. There are pros and cons but do be very aware of how much you give up when you step out of the working world.

I've been a SAHM for nearly nine years and no, I don't regret it. I've had times when I almost been climbing the walls with frustration and boredom, but looking back its definitely been the right thing for our family and I know our DC have benefited from having me around full-time.

I might have felt differently if I'd had a career I loved, but I didn't. I never felt I was doing something I cared about, so actually this break has given me time to reflect and figure out what I really do want to do. In other words, I haven't suffered professionally by the choices I've made. If I felt I had then maybe I'd have regrets.

But he does loads Dixie. Really, he does.

Thanks for your answers:)

Callie – does it help to look at it like this?

If your DH came home and told you that he was finding combining work and being a dad really hard, would you say “well, that’s your fault for working, it would be a lot easier if you quit and stayed at home” or would you say “wow, that’s hard, how can I support you? What can I do to help?”

Which of those two is your DH doing and why don’t you expect the type of support you would give him for yourself?

Your pronoem is you're husband is abusive.

Now I have read more posts after I myself posted, I think there is a very strong argument for not being a SAHM unless you have a super supportive partner who truly sees you as equals. You are very, very vulnerable otherwise to financial abuse and dire work prospects if you split up. I have watched this happen to friends with controlling husbands who have been left high and dry with what little confidence they had destroyed. It seems that in your situation (as outlined by other posters) it would be a very, very bad idea to give up work....

I know it's hard right now OP but try to think of your future. From what I can see your job is the only part of your life that you are in control of. It would be really foolish to give this up.

You also mentioned being tired all the time and in pain. Have you discussed this with your GP or HV? Perhaps try to get some help with this and when you feel better then look at your work situation.

If you are the calliecat from the other thread your situation really got me. If you are then it's your husband who refuses to take your child to childcare even on days when he isn't working and you are and tells you "you chose this' . He's pressured you into having a child before you were ready, he pressures you for sex, comments on your weight, makes decisions about contraception for you and is pressurising you to move abroad.
I understand you're not ready to make big decisions about your relationship yet but it seemed as though your job was the only chance you had to have a life and meet people away from him. Please don't give it up.

No regrets about being a SAHM. I do regret getting off the work roundabout because when I stopped I was on six figures. I retrained starting part-time for £8k. But I love what I do, do it locally and over 17 years have clawed back to the halfway mark.

What I used to do wasn't compatible with family life and I was ready to step down.

My weight is a massive problem pardon the pun. I want to hide away a lot in jogging bottoms!

Honestly it's been great for my family and I think my own sanity (having had a second child that didn't sleep for years) but I do get bored of parenting and housework and often envy those who can still pursue a decent job 2-3 days a week. I did work part time but was made redundant a few years back and finding similar child-friendly hours is nearly impossible sadly. But you have to do what is right for you at the time and can't worry too much about future regrets if things aren't working for you now. I hope (perhaps naively) that I won't be this way forever, just another few years until youngest is settled at school, but I do feel that the longer I am not working, the more daunting the prospect of returning becomes.

Hmm, I don't know. I've been a sahm for 6 years, and honestly don't think we could have done it differently, my DH worked away and I was getting quite a bit of hassle from my job about having to drop everything and leave if one of the kids was sick.
It worked for us for a while but I'm now facing the problem of getting back into the workforce (and have also developed a chronic illness in the meantime) so it's very daunting. I doubt I will find anything nearly as well paid as before I gave up (I earned around £45k) and I do kind of regret not thinking through more about the long term implications (like pension for example).