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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you are scared of death

196 replies

Lovinglife786 · 26/09/2016 15:22

I was talking to my grandmother who is terminally ill with breast cancer she has a couple of months left to live it has all happened so quick so it still doesn't feel real,I asked her if she is scared of dying and she said no and I believe her she is the most genuine and honest person you could meet, I admire her so much if it was me I would be terrified I just can't get my head around how calm she is,I just wondered how many people are scared of death aibu to ask

OP posts:
PickAChew · 26/09/2016 23:04

I'm not scared of dying, but I don't much fancy what might come between now and then.

TamzinGrey · 26/09/2016 23:05

Yes I am scared. I was there when each of my parents died. On both occasions they were drugged up to the eyeballs (cancer), but nevertheless were really distressed and very very frightened.
I love being alive and don't want it to end.

PickAChew · 26/09/2016 23:16

I'm meh about the romantic idea of near death experiences, too.

I had fluid overload after a 4 unit transfusion into a body that was already pretty soggy after a complicated pregnancy. Every time I laid down to try to sleep, my lungs filled with fluid and my SATs plummeted. Each time that happened, I had nightmares - someone angry was standing on my throat, or I was pinned down to a train track and a train ran over my throat. I've have some weird and horrible dreams in my life, but they were fucking terrifying.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 26/09/2016 23:18

For myself, I'm scared of untimely death.
Ie missing out on stuff. My plan is to stick around for my kids, DH, friends and the job I love for at least another 40 years and I'd be so disappointed if that didn't happen.

My dear dad died last month, my beloved grandparents last year. They didn't have a very good time towards the end due to illness and a lot of their personalities (souls?) were gone. I'm an atheist but I'm kind of happy they have some 'rest' now.

However I read an interview with sir Terence Conran (84) the other day and he said something like "When you get to my age, you lose a friend every week."
I can totally see that happening already (I'm 43) and it scares me/makes me angry. The finality of me, of all of us. Two of my best mates have just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and my loveliest colleague just lost her husband to cancer as well. He was 45 with two kids under 15.
I struggle to accept death, I guess.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 26/09/2016 23:18

Flowers sorry for your loss DustyMaiden.

I think also that the older my dc get the less scared I am of me dying. When they were tiny there was this feeling that their whole existence depended on me - they all refused bottles and formula. The youngest is now in yr2, oldest in secondary. Although they still very much need me on a daily basis, I can see how that balance is shifting and they become less dependant.

I wonder whether it is partly because my parents are both in their 80s and getting frailer. I am almost more scared of getting too old and frail, particularly mentally, than dying.

Embolio · 26/09/2016 23:30

Not scared of being dead, but (if I think about it) so frightened of leaving the kids too soon and them being alone/grieving. I want to see them grown up and independent and happy. I also like life and living - so many things to experience - so I suppose my fear would be dying too soon?

My grandad died this year at 94 - he was ready to go. My Gran is 91 and says she's amazed she's lived "this bloody long" 😂

Moomichi · 26/09/2016 23:32

Yes. I've only read the title. Can't read anymore.

ThreeSheetsToTheWind · 26/09/2016 23:41

I am not afraid of death. I had an Out of Body experience when I was young. No drugs, no trauma involved and it was pretty amazing. So no, I am not afraid of death, I just really don't want to leave my children, I love them so much. However. I did think that this might help: educateinspirechange.org/spirituality/life-dream-die-wake-alan-watts/

It is interesting to read that so many don't want to leave their loved ones. That must mean something, profound, that we care more about leaving those behind than we do about what might happen to us.

EstelleRoberts · 26/09/2016 23:43

HolyMolyMay I don't want to derail OP's thread, but if you want to ask me any questions please feel free to PM me, and I'll do my best to answer to the best of my knowledge/experience.

AnnieOnnieMouse · 27/09/2016 00:26

Dusty so sorry for your loss
and Wasp for your diagnosis
I don't fear being dead, but I do fear the process of getting there - especially if it is a slow decline.
I am scared of losing yet another friend to cancer - or maybe I'm just angry about it. I will be seeing her next week, probably for the last time, and I have no clue how to keep it together, especially as she is handling it all with such grace and self control.
Flowers OP and her grandmother

sorryoldwoman · 27/09/2016 00:34

I don't think about hell but maybe the spirits still on earth are in so called hell.

hopetobehappy · 27/09/2016 00:56

We'll be going home, the next life is the real one, with God.

80sMum · 27/09/2016 01:00

Yes. Since childhood I have been absolutely bloody terrified of it. I can't get my head around the fact that it will definitely happen to me. I can't imagine all the countless aeons of time in which I will have no existence. I know it's utterly irrational to be afraid of something that applies to everyone and is an inevitable consequence of life, so I try not to get too worked up about it. But it's near to the forefront of my mind every day.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 27/09/2016 01:18

I worry about death being painful and drawn out. By the same token I wouldn't want to be one of those people who live to 100 or more. All your friends are dead, your spouse is dead, all your siblings are dead, no one who shared the same reference points as you growing up is still alive. If you have children, they'll be in their 70s and 80s and quite possibly dying under you too. I would happily take 75 healthy, sociable years rather than another 20-odd in poor health and loneliness.

I am comforted by the fact that my death won't cause devastation to anyone. I am married to someone who is very emotionally resilient and practical who will be fine in the long term without me. I have no children so they won't be anyone for whom my death will be a great loss. I might feel differently if I had children and I felt that they still needed guidance or help.

As to death itself. I'm a confirmed atheist and think there's nothing after this life. Literarly nothing. So why would I be afraid of nothingness?

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 27/09/2016 01:19

I used to be terrified as a child. All the time. I couldn't understand how anyone could do anything when we are all going to die.

I now have incurable cancer so it's something I'm having to face up to. I struggle to get my head around me not being here. I'm gradually planning my funeral and I keep thinking how nice it will be, then realising I won't be there. Hopefully my plans won't be needed for a good while yet!

I'm not really scared of death, but of dying in pain or distress. My cancer is in my lungs so I'm scared of not being able to breathe.

Mostly though I'm scared of the moment when they tell me that there's nothing else they can do for me.

I have some regrets. But I'm more sad for my family. It will devastate them. They'll never be the same and they'll always have that pain with them. I feel terribly guilty.

bumbleclat · 27/09/2016 05:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 27/09/2016 07:56

Flowers bumble

chewingawasp · 27/09/2016 08:06

Hi Leslie I'm scared of that moment too Sad
Please don't feel guilty about it Flowers

TheNaze73 · 27/09/2016 08:09

I'm scared about how it'll happen & hope it isn't painful.
The thought of death doesn't scare me though, just hope I go peacefully

Halle71 · 27/09/2016 08:12

I'm staying in the town where I was born, for my Uncle's funeral that was yesterday, so death is at the forefront of my mind. My mum's sadness at losing 'the last person who knew me as a little girl'. But also recognising relief for someone who had a difficult and painful life (he was disabled as the result of a birth injury). Everything is jumbled up in my head, perhaps also because my dad is with me, and he has a serious degenerative, neurological disease (think bastard child of Parkinson's and MND) and is coming up to the time quoted as average life expectancy for this. He is clearly deteriorating scarily fast and I have an internal dilemma - would I rather him drop down dead one day or live longer with severe physical impairment? He is losing his ability to walk, to talk and to be bothered eating. I'm petrified about the future.

Then, I fear death for me. Not actual death, but I haven't reconciled 'not being here' any more and probably not meeting grandchildren because I had DD at 38 and DS at 41. I'm only 45 but I worry about old age and dying a few times a week.

expatinscotland · 27/09/2016 08:19

No. I'm afraid of losing another child and/or leaving them when they're still young.

BillSykesDog · 27/09/2016 08:22

I was very scared of it but getting less so as I get older. Seems like a bloody rest sometimes!

Eliza22 · 27/09/2016 09:12

Oh, the fear of thats it...nothing else...ever...ever again". THAT fear. Yes, I have that. But I'm not afraid of dying as such because it is inevitable. But the never existing again bit, can send me into a full on brain panic.

Original poster
Lovinglife786 · 27/09/2016 10:26

Wasp Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovinglife786 · 27/09/2016 10:29

This thread has made me cry so many sad story's

OP posts:
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