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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you are scared of death

196 replies

Lovinglife786 · 26/09/2016 15:22

I was talking to my grandmother who is terminally ill with breast cancer she has a couple of months left to live it has all happened so quick so it still doesn't feel real,I asked her if she is scared of dying and she said no and I believe her she is the most genuine and honest person you could meet, I admire her so much if it was me I would be terrified I just can't get my head around how calm she is,I just wondered how many people are scared of death aibu to ask

OP posts:
EvansAndThePrince · 26/09/2016 20:11

I didn't used to be in the slightest but now that I have children the thought of them not having me makes me unable to breathe.

I'm scared senseless of if anything happened to them. Can't even bring myself to type it.

User14625592 · 26/09/2016 20:20

I think the thought of death is scarier when you are younger. Life is much more interesting when you are young. Older people have done all that and it's a tiring and often lonely existence when you are older.

Holymolymay · 26/09/2016 20:22

I knew a 103 year old who was terrified of dying. Literally terrified. So age is no guarantee of acceptance.

limitedperiodonly · 26/09/2016 20:22

manandbeast one of the psychologists I spoke to said that there could be negative results from a NDE. He said that most people reported a feeling of calm, no pain and no fear but a few people reported a terrifying experience of being in an everlasting void. He didn't think any of those visions was an experience of an afterlife so said that even if someone reported the negative experience, he didn't think that was going to happen to them. But he then said: 'But what do I know?' Grin

He said that many people felt profoundly changed after a NDE and that sometimes led to the break up of relationships. Sometimes they wanted to change direction, maybe give up possession, speak about their experience. He said it was sometimes difficult for the other person to be with someone who was convinced they had been shown another way.

It was a very interesting chat. I started out with no feelings. Then I became persuaded that something is out there. Then a couple of people brought me back down to earth.

It's sad, but not too bad Grin

Ratbagcatbag · 26/09/2016 20:25

It scares the crap out of me. The nothingness, I've started getting worse about this in the past year since my dd (now 3) is getting older. I can't imagine just well nothing and trying too scares me and makes me want to cry. I haven't even considered the dying bit, just the nothing part. :(

limitedperiodonly · 26/09/2016 20:26

Older people have done all that and it's a tiring and often lonely existence when you are older.

My mum was 90 and a half and she was extremely fucked off at having to go. Unfortunately she had no choice in the matter but if there is a God, he's probably regretting his decision to take her Wink

SciFiFan2015 · 26/09/2016 20:50

This thread is terrifying reading it back. I can feel my panicky fear rising. Sorry to those who have lost someone or are going through a hard time.
I love life. I love it so much and take joy in everyday humdrum things. I try and live a good life (DH's advice on how to deal with my fear) but when my fear gets bad, as it is now, I wish I hadn't been born.
Argh consciousness is a blessing and a curse.

mypussyiscalledCaramel · 26/09/2016 21:11

I'm not afraid of dying, I lost my dad to an unexpected and quick death due to undiagnosed cancer and my mum to a slow death due to mnd. Both in their sixties.
I have mh issues and the only reason I am still here is because of my ds.
I may change my mind when I'm in my sixties.
Doesn't matter whether I am afraid or not, something's going to kill me, be it old age, cancer or a bus

Hygellig · 26/09/2016 21:29

The thought of dying before my children grow up scares me, and the thought of dying suddenly without having chance to say goodbye to my children scares me more than the thought of being diagnosed with a terminal illness and having time to say my goodbyes and put my affairs in order. It sounds very self-centred but in some ways it is hard to imagine the world just going on without me. The actual process of dying, I don't know. I remember my mum saying that my grandma wasn't afraid to die (at 83) and felt it was time to go.

Bumplovin · 26/09/2016 21:32

I nearly died a few years ago I can't remember much about intensive care apart from feeling sleepy and relaxed. It wasn't scary. Im very relieved I recovered but since this I do worry about bad things happening to me or getting ill - more because I love my husband and family and hate the thought of not being with them.

DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel · 26/09/2016 21:43

Im scared of it.

Im not scared of the actual death. Im also not scared of anyone close dying or that Im leaving people behind, but scared of just not being. That saying about it being like it was before I was born doesn't help either.

Sometimes it really makes me anxious, but most of the time I try not to think about it. Just hope I dont get a terminal illness cos then I dont know if I will be able to stop thinking about it.

LittleLionMansMummy · 26/09/2016 21:45

I'm scared of dying and leaving my children before I've seen them grow up. I get really sad thinking of them growing up without me. I'm not scared of death itself though, unless I knew it was coming months in advance.

MotherofPearl · 26/09/2016 21:51

My DP is the opposite. He says he 'embraces death' (he means when he's old, 80+) because he never wants to outlive any of our DC. He reckons death is better than living through the death of a DC.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 26/09/2016 21:55

I wouldn't want to die before the dc are independent - at least 18, ideally married and settled. Beyond that no. I am more scared of going the way that DM is heading towards the nomansland of dementia. I would hate the last memories of me to be of someone who isn't me. I know that she was scared of that too Sad. I was discussing it today with dd (11.5) and we both decided that a quick and not too painful illness when we are quite old but young enough to still be aware and active would be best.

I reserve the right to change my mind in 40 years!!

GreenAndWinter · 26/09/2016 22:06

I was at my mother's deathbed for three days, with the rest of the family. We took it in turns to try to sleep. She wasn't afraid of dying, and she was at peace. She had lived to see her daughters grow up and get married, she felt that we were all safe, and she was happy to go home.

I've been raised in a Christian family, and I honestly believe there is life in heaven.

Even if there wasn't, I'm not scared of death. As so many others have said, we worry about our children. If I died now, my kids would be stuffed, with an abusive husband who has not bothered to see them in two years and hasn't the faintest idea of how to take care of them.

I'm hoping to stay alive until my children are grown up and have families of their own. After that, I will be happy to go home.

CharleyDavidson · 26/09/2016 22:13

My Ddad died last year at nearly 70. From the time he had his terminal diagnosis, he was desperately scared of dying and became really depressed about things. He did get moving on sorting a few things out to leave the house as he wanted for Mum. And asked his brother to keep an eye out and look after her after he'd gone. But he refused to talk about dying and was in denial about it all until the last days. I remember the moment I think he knew it was really time up for him and I can't shake the memory of his face and him shaking his head and saying it was 'A hell of a thing'. He still had so many things he wanted to do and wasn't ready to give up.

AuntJane · 26/09/2016 22:46

I'm not scared of dying, but I am scared of a long debilitating illness leading up to it.

sorryoldwoman · 26/09/2016 22:48

I'm not afraid of death just pain.

WinchesterWoman · 26/09/2016 22:49

Yes

angelikacpickles · 26/09/2016 22:51

Petrified.

LifeInJeneral · 26/09/2016 22:56

This thread makes me feel better because I have full blown terror at the prospect of death,to the extent that I can't think about it or I get a racing heart and feel like I can't breath. I thought I was abnormal and needed counselling as I just couldn't cope with the concept of it but knowing other people feel the same way helps. I think a big part of it is the norhingness, I wish I could believe there was something more. Some days I do manage to believe that.
But I suppose part of that fear is just fear that I am not living as much as I could and just letting life pass me by.

WinchesterWoman · 26/09/2016 22:58

What if there's such a thing as hell?

LifeInJeneral · 26/09/2016 23:00

Sorry wasp I just saw your post. I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry Flowers

MariposaUno · 26/09/2016 23:02

I loathe to think about it as I get a bit anxious, The idea of leaving my dc behind at a young age scares me also that she wouldn't remember me. My df died fairly young and I was 5yr old I don't have any significant memories.

If I think about it I just end up feeling like there is no point to life if it ends with nothing and hope death is short and sweet.

I fully intend to live life as best I can and I realistically think that impending death will feel like going to sleep.

DustyMaiden · 26/09/2016 23:03

My DM died today. I am not scared of death.

The older you get the more you see it and it becomes normal.