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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset that my partner burst dd's balloon as a punishment?

182 replies

TemporarilyLost · 26/09/2016 08:14

I'm fully braced to be told I'm being precious and PFB but it's left me feeling so sorry for her . Last night there were tears and tantrums before bed. Dd, 2yrs almost 3 got angry over a wooden jigsaw and threw a piece against the wall. Dp flipped and told her off. This made her even more het up and so he took her brand new paw patrol balloon from the fair and popped it in front of her. She seemed more cross than sad at the time but this morning the first thing she did when we got up was look in the kitchen bin and say 'balloons in bin, I'm a naughty girl'. It's made me inexplicably sad for her and I'm not sure the punishment really fitted the crime but I want to know before I raise it with Dp whether I'm just being over sensitive.

OP posts:
2kids2dogsnosense · 26/09/2016 09:00

That's bloody cruel - she's a BABY ffs.

And she's not a naughty girl- perhaps she did a naughty thing, but that's different - and she's only little and she's still learning how to control those massive emotions (e.g. anger, frustration) that are racking her little body.

You DP is an arsehole.

Original poster
TemporarilyLost · 26/09/2016 09:01

blanche you're spot on. I think poor dd is so confused discipline wise. We've tried talking it through but we're at a stalemate. He thinks dd walks all over me, I think shouting at a child is wrong.

OP posts:
ayeokthen · 26/09/2016 09:01

He owes her a balloon! It seems a very small act of defiance to prompt such a massive reaction? In our house it would have resulted in the jigsaw being put away and a firm "You don't throw toys, don't do it again."

MrsJayy · 26/09/2016 09:02

temporaliy I hope you manage to leave him soon sounds like you have had a tough time

PizzaPlease · 26/09/2016 09:03

Poor dd. Sad definitely out of order on his part. The thing about toddlers is that they often wind themselves up into tantrums, especially when tired, and don't know how to stop. When my little girl gets like this (3yo) we "say goodbye to the big feelings" with a wave, a big smile and laugh and a cuddle. Then we deal with whatever the issue was. Because sometimes they need help calming down, just like we do! Now she'll actually say "mummy I've got big feelings" when she feels like that. I'm glad you're in the process of leaving! Just remember you're strong and can do it, and you have thousands of people here rooting for you. Chocolate

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 26/09/2016 09:04

I think if you are already considering leaving him - well this is a nail in the coffin no?

that said, people who say "if my DH did that Id leave him" ---- human beings DO sometimes lose their tempers don't they? are we all perfect angels ?

That said, IF I did something like in a fit of red rage- that I would apologise to the child- and if your DP cant see that he did a shitty thing- well you know the score OP.....

BastardGoDarkly · 26/09/2016 09:08

You're parenting isn't wrong, his is, do you think he's making you doubt that?

She's 2 ffs!! Not 13, when they know exactly what they're doing.

I'd be really upset to witness that, and verbally tear my DH a new one.

Poor little girl :(

Get out sooner rather than later op, best of luck Flowers

Yorkieheaven · 26/09/2016 09:10

It's a spiteful childish act op. What will that teach her? Yes toddlers can be utterly infuriating but that's no way to deal with a situation.

Shouting at her could be understandable but this? No.

Costacoffeeplease · 26/09/2016 09:10

If you had any doubts, he's shown you you're right to go ahead with your plans. Nasty bastard

stonecircle · 26/09/2016 09:10

Pizza - I love your idea of saying goodbye to the big feelings! You're so right about children (and adults) needing a way out if they're backed into a corner by their emotions. What a lovely way of dealing with it. I might try saying that to myself next time I'm having a strop!

OP - it's very sad that your dd thinks she's a naughty girl. She may have done a naughty thing but that doesn't define her as a naughty girl. The balloon popping was way OTT.

Miiow · 26/09/2016 09:20

That's a really nasty thing to do. I'm glad you are leaving him. Two and three year olds are annoying but it's not their fault. What would happen if your DD was being 'actually' annoying as a young teen or something? ..... Good plan to leave him and not risk finding out

Starfish28 · 26/09/2016 09:22

I'm so sorry he sounds like a horrible man and I agree that having two very different styles of discipline can be very confusing for a child. But why don't you trust yourself and your ability to handle the situation. End of day tantrums are really normal and in my experience are rarely the time when lessons are learned they usually just mean you need to get your child to bed.

EllyMayClampett · 26/09/2016 09:26

Your DD's behaviour is understandable and developmentally normal.

Your DH's behaviour is not.

isthismylifenow · 26/09/2016 09:29

OP, this may just be the cherry on the top that will force your decision that is brewing. As Miiow says, what will he do if she really did do something far more serious that have a quite normal toddler tantrum.

He sounds like a complete arsehole and I am so sad for your dd. That is just a pure mean thing to do.

StarryIllusion · 26/09/2016 09:29

I'd have taken the puzzle tbh. What does popping the balloon teach her? The balloon had nothing to do with anything.Taking the puzzle away would have taught her that if we don't treat things nicely we don't have them but I've never understood the logic of breaking a child's things as a punishment. Surely you are just modeling the very behaviour you want her to stop?

CousinCharlotte · 26/09/2016 09:33

What a horrible twat, not surprised you want to leave him,

paxillin · 26/09/2016 09:34

I'd certainly buy her a big balloon today.

scallopsrgreat · 26/09/2016 09:37

"I'm not very good at disciplining her properly..." Where do you get that idea from? Parenting based on not shouting at a two year old seems a pretty good start (and I say this as more of a shouty parent than I'd like! But mine are older!).

Trust your instincts. They are right. It was unnecessarily cruel and I think someone else mentioned, a bit violent too.

JammieDodgem · 26/09/2016 09:37

How upsetting. Tantrums rather come with the territory at 2 and it's unrealistic to expect otherwise. He needs to commit to understanding that. You can't discipline a child's lack of impulse control and struggle with tiredness irbid them - you have to guide and support the until theirs old enough to implement alternative strategies. Some adults (like him) have never managed to find alternative strategies.

I would say your gut reaction to your dd this am tells you all you need to know. Go with your gut.

We have house/family rules which we talk about a lot. It makes it easier to point out where we've gone wrong without undermining or blaming. Eg 'Shouting can make us feels scared or upset. sometimes we all find things difficult but Daddy shouldn't have shouted and popped your balloon and he will try harder not to shout in our house from now on. We all try not to shout in our family, don't we?'

Good luck

george1020 · 26/09/2016 09:38

How very sad, your poor DD

It sounds like something really needs to change and soon, from your OP it is obviously having an detrimental effect on your DD, it seems like your man child is just on a power trip and pretty ineffectual at dealing with a child.

If you want to try and save the marriage would he consider therapy for him and both of you together?
If not I really can't see anything other than LTB before it affects your DD even more.

Snowwhitequeen · 26/09/2016 09:44

It was a shitty thing to do but you do need to speak to him about it, not mumsnet, as we don't know if there were any extenuating circumstances not related to your DD - that doesn't excuse his behaviour at all, but say he was incredibly stressed and depressed and was trying to do something nice and he (childishly) felt she was spoiling it so responded in temper. I'm playing devils advocate a bit but I know kids can push people to the brink and not everyone has the ability to parent well under extreme stress from other areas in life.

That's not to say he's excused, but as the adults, you need to talk it over. If he agrees it was a twatty thing to do and apologises to your DD and you find a better way forward, would that not be better than cries of LTB?

Of course if this type of behaviour is common place in your relationship than yes, he sounds like a pillock. If it isn't and he does the odd shitty thing but is otherwise a good dad and partner, talk it over like adults. DH and I talk over our parenting choices and freely apologise to our kids when we stuff up and get unnecessarily cross or are grouchy after long days and they're giving us a hard time on top of other stress, we want them to know adults aren't perfect and make mistakes and get cross too but saying sorry and trying to move forward constructively is better all round.

He owes her a new balloon though and make no mistake about it.

Londonmamabychance · 26/09/2016 09:49

Oh no, that's definitely not the right way to go about disciplining. That's just teaching the child an eye for an eye approach to the world. Of coruse you need to teach your child not to throw things around in a temper tantrum, but the way to go about it would be to firmly and calmly tell her off and then march her off to bed.

Rrross1ges · 26/09/2016 09:50

The appropriate response would have been to get her to pick up the jigsaw piece and tidy it away.

When my almost 9 year old was a toddler she went through a phase of biting me - no one else, little bugger. I just said "no" in a sharp tone, handed her to someone else and took a couple of minutes to regroup. She hasn't turned into a piranha for lack of strict discipline.

StarryIllusion · 26/09/2016 09:52

I agree with scallops. You CAN'T really discipline a two year old. The idea of discipline is that they know what they are doing is naughty and do it anyway. So you discipline them to teach them respect and that they have consequences for bad behaviour. Two is still so little that they don't really know right from wrong yet, it's more teaching them at this stage. My eldest is 3 and I've only really been disciplining him properly over things I know he knows. He knows we don't hit because it hurts so he gets a telling off when he does. The same with throwing things but he didn't have a very good grasp on that a year ago. I think your DP is being a twat.

Bumpsadaisie · 26/09/2016 09:54

That's horrible.

Of course if she was naughty he was right to set a boundary with a firm no or removal or whatever (I think its worth starting to set the boundary even where they are not able to remember from one time to the next - its the start of a process and they will learn in time).

But to spitefully spoil a little kids balloon...Plus my kids are terrified of the noise popping balloons make.