DP locked me out of the house. AIBU to leave him?

[Coffeeisnotmyfriend]

Last night DP and I were out celebrating his friend's birthday. Half way through the night some of the group including DP decided to go to a nearby bar while the rest of us stayed where we were.

When I got home at about 2, DP had locked me out by accident. He knew I had no keys but was so pissed he forgot.

Luckily I was able to call a friend, and ended up on the sofa for the night.

The next morning, the house was in darkness- DP didn't get up until about 11, by that point I and a neighbour were considering breaking down the door

His attitude was appalling imo. Anything could have happened to me but instead of being apologetic, he got angry and refused to speak to me until tea time, when he asked what was for dinner.

I am furious. This is the latest in a long line of things that have caused me to doubt our relationship.

He still goes out partying and drinking with the same friends he has known all his life. He drinks to the point where he cannot stand and wets himself. It's a big group and they are all marrying, getting engaged so lots of nights out. They are in their early 30s I am mid 20s

I try to talk to him about it but he gets angry and shuts off. He can't just have a couple of drinks, he has to get utterly fucked

I have to drive everywhere because I don't trust him to drive. I don't feel safe in the car with him.
Financially I think I am the higher earner but I don't actually know. He pays for the TV and half the rent. I pay everything else and the car is in my name. He always has plenty of money for things he wants though.

I do all the housework and most of the cooking. We have been living together for three years and he is yet to clean the bathroom

I would like to be more financially stable but he thinks there is no point buying a house when you can rent one. Though he is currently saving to go on am expensive gambling holiday.

Our sex life is shit, we've had sex once in two months, however he will go upstairs and masterbate loudly to porn.

I'm trying to think of good stuff, but now I have written down all of the above, it's hard to remember any. He used to be very romantic and thoughtful over gifts etc. We have had some fab holidays together.

The thing is, he is now saying he wants children. We are engaged but had decided to wait a good few years to marry and I still feel too young to have children.

Sorry that this is a long post, my friend is a regular member of mumsnet and she suggested I should post here

Coffee I agree with erm, everyone else on the thread. However I know it's easier said than done when you've only just made a decision. Take a bit of time (but not too much!), get your sums in order, make a plan. Then RUN RUN RUN! You have your whole life ahead of you. You can go wherever you want. You could go off abroad. Change your life :)

I wouldn't even bother talking to him about it, he'll never understand that you're in the right and that he's being an utter arse - he won't even care. Don't even bother to tell him you're leaving, just cancel everything and go. You owe him nothing, not even an explanation.

One day you'll look back on this and won't believe that you put up with it for so long. Make that day sooner rather than later.

Leave. Please don't have children with this man. Why not live near your work? Is that an option?

I think he wants children to trap you further as he knows you'll put up with crap now and it can be harder with a baby tying you to him.

Stop being nice and planning to discuss it with him. Just get the fuck out. He's an embarrassment.

His behaviour is so bad I don't even think he deserves a break up conversation. I think you just need to sort out your stuff and go, leaving a note explaining why it's over.

You have to leave him and I'm afraid you won't.
I was with someone that was wrong for me, I didn't know how wrong until I met my DH, I can't believe what I settled for before, I'm so happy now.
It was hard leaving the shit relationship tho, I knew it was for the best but I still went running back. It was out of low self esteem/anxiety.
What I'm trying to say is, you know it's for the best, and it will be hard because even good change is stressful, but once you're over the first few weeks it gets much much better. Please please do it!

What is there to talk about? Can he change this?
I know you've invested a lot of time into this relationship but theres no reason to waste more.
Of course youve had good times, your clearly intelligent and wouldn't stay if there wasnt good times.

I packed my stuff, and moved out. I left a note.
Take some time to plan, I had pets I stayed a while for. One could come, one couldn't. That was bloody hard, but I rehomed the other one to have a lovely life.
Honestly I look back and think 'I was so young, so beautiful, what was I thinking'. There's a whole world out there, grab it!

Please - just pack and go. If you're job ends in a couple of months then you will find something to carry you through. What support will he be when you're not bringing money home and then it will be even harder to leave.

your job

Afraid the shit sex life and him mastubating loudly to porn would clinch it for me.

Plan your escape and never look back. You are worth more love.

Do you really want any futre babies seeing him in his drunken behaviour, walking on egg shells their entire life in case they upset him. That's the kind of life they'd have. You can spare you and them of that by finding a wonderful partner who adores you and would wait up for you if you went out.

Rent a room, spare room in a lodger situation would give you flexibility to stay somewhere until you know what is going on work wise. Then you can go anywhere and do anything.

RE losing friends, it really isn't so bad to start again, I can promise that. In my early 20's I worked in a style of job that meant moving every 6-9 months and now in my mid-20's I've just moved back to my hometown where I have no friends at all, you do meet people even if it takes a while, it's much easier when you work with people too!

What kind of pets do you have? Are they caged/tanked? LLs are more open to caged and tanked animals, we have actually just come from staying with friends for 2 months and we were sharing a room with our caged animals, it wasn't so bad so that is an option if you need it to be. Obviously it's harder with cats and dogs!

Do you have a friend who can put you up for a while?

If so get your stuff into storage/sell it and move out. You can job hunt and house hunt from there.

Where do you want to live? Close to friends? Close to work? Close to family? Somewhere completely different? On your own? Or with a flatmate?

You don't need to break up with him right away, start making plans, get your finances etc in order.

In my experience you want to try to move out as soon as you can after you've told him you are splitting.

First be clear about what you want out of life and a partner. It will give you the strength you need to make the break.

Oh yes, and anticipate the break up conversation. It'll be all the reasons why you leaving isn't fair on him, nothing about why staying is right for you.

Prepare for that, don't give in to misplaced guilt.

It sounds like the only thing keeping you there is fear.

Fear of your friends not talking to you, fear that you wont be able to manage on your own, fear that you'll lose your pets, fear that your job might end, fear that he wont agree to allow you to break up.

You cant live trapped in a life that you dont want because of fear, you only get one life. Take those steps towards a life that works for you, and be brave.

Well said Stormtreader. And I know that fear, it took me ages to break up with an abusive ex one time because of those types of thoughts. But when I finally did, I was actually on cloud 9. It was such a wonderful feeling.

How do you do it? When you next see him, you say:

DP, I've been thinking about things a lot recently and I no longer want to be in this relationship. It's not working for me, I'm not happy, I don't feel loved or respected and I don't feel that we are a team. I've tried to talk to you about it, but we don't communicate well and that's another reason I think we should split up.

I appreciate that this is your friend's flat, so I will move out asap."

Even if he starts making promises, say you've made your decision and you don't want to try to save the relationship (it will all just be lip service anyway).

Breakup starters:

We need to talk
This isn't working for me
I'm leaving
I'm breaking up with you

Important things to remember:

He can't argue because you don't actually need a reason
You have a responsibility to yourself
You don't owe anyone a relationship with you

Breakup starters:

We need to talk
This isn't working for me
I'm leaving
I'm breaking up with you

Important things to remember:

He can't argue because you don't actually need a reason
You have a responsibility to yourself
You don't owe anyone a relationship with you

LTB. You're not beholden to him, you owe him nothing. And you don't need to start an argument to leave. You can just say "It's over. I'm leaving. Goodbye for ever." He's selfish, immature, horrible and treats you like dirt. Go get a new job in a new place and meet new people!

Why would you stay in this relationship? I know it's difficult to take the plunge but please listen to everyone and start making plans.

He pisses himself. On a regular basis. That alone is reason to run for the hills. He sounds utterly disgusting and completely shameless.

I left after a similar incident, I had to sleep in my car on the drive, it was an old car and about -7 out, I easily could have got hypothermia. He didn't care, when he finally surfaced he just had a go at me because he thought that I had cheated on him. LEAVE HIM to grow up, find someone better.

My ex is now 50 and lives with his Mum.

He sounds so abusive and because you are scared of him can you take advice from women's aid?

I like like the advice from Memories.

Sort pets and finances, pack stuff.
Move out.
Meet him on a neutral place to say it's over
Give him as much or as little information about why you are leaving as you like. You do not know him anything. It may feel good to tell him the sex is shit but it won't help you and if he is the violent type, it may provoke him. Any of the Manu things you have said about his awful behaviour could be a reason. The bottle line is he makes you unhappy. You deserve to be happy.

Please come and tell us when you are free.

Owe not know!