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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP locked me out of the house. AIBU to leave him?

295 replies

Coffeeisnotmyfriend · 25/09/2016 19:51

Last night DP and I were out celebrating his friend's birthday. Half way through the night some of the group including DP decided to go to a nearby bar while the rest of us stayed where we were.

When I got home at about 2, DP had locked me out by accident. He knew I had no keys but was so pissed he forgot.

Luckily I was able to call a friend, and ended up on the sofa for the night.

The next morning, the house was in darkness- DP didn't get up until about 11, by that point I and a neighbour were considering breaking down the door

His attitude was appalling imo. Anything could have happened to me but instead of being apologetic, he got angry and refused to speak to me until tea time, when he asked what was for dinner.

I am furious. This is the latest in a long line of things that have caused me to doubt our relationship.

He still goes out partying and drinking with the same friends he has known all his life. He drinks to the point where he cannot stand and wets himself. It's a big group and they are all marrying, getting engaged so lots of nights out. They are in their early 30s I am mid 20s

I try to talk to him about it but he gets angry and shuts off. He can't just have a couple of drinks, he has to get utterly fucked

I have to drive everywhere because I don't trust him to drive. I don't feel safe in the car with him.
Financially I think I am the higher earner but I don't actually know. He pays for the TV and half the rent. I pay everything else and the car is in my name. He always has plenty of money for things he wants though.

I do all the housework and most of the cooking. We have been living together for three years and he is yet to clean the bathroom

I would like to be more financially stable but he thinks there is no point buying a house when you can rent one. Though he is currently saving to go on am expensive gambling holiday.

Our sex life is shit, we've had sex once in two months, however he will go upstairs and masterbate loudly to porn.

I'm trying to think of good stuff, but now I have written down all of the above, it's hard to remember any. He used to be very romantic and thoughtful over gifts etc. We have had some fab holidays together.

The thing is, he is now saying he wants children. We are engaged but had decided to wait a good few years to marry and I still feel too young to have children.

Sorry that this is a long post, my friend is a regular member of mumsnet and she suggested I should post here

OP posts:
YouOKHun · 26/09/2016 21:02

There is really nothing in this for you OP. You've spelled it all out in your post and though these things are never easy you don't have children, a marriage certificate or a mortgage - please don't wait til you have.

Solina · 26/09/2016 21:25

You need to leave him. However you need to arrange for things first so that you can tell him you are leaving and then leave straight away. He sounds abusive which is why you need to sort everything first.

But when you do tell him simply saying "I have had enough. We are over and I am going now" is enough.

The80sweregreat · 26/09/2016 21:35

Drink till he wets himself? Annoyed at you for being locked out? I know nobody is perfect, but you really deserve better. Time for a new boyfriend.

Onlyonce · 26/09/2016 21:38

The thing with the porn would be enough for me. You sound lovely. Please don't marry him or have a child with him. Find some who deserves you

Onlyonce · 26/09/2016 21:45

The not caring about where you were is horrendous

ConferencePear · 26/09/2016 22:33

He drinks to the point where he cannot stand and wets himself.

This alone would be enough for me to leave and never come back.

Realjournal123 · 26/09/2016 22:42

You are obviously unhappy and he sounds as though he is the type who is never in the wrong. Please please get out of it now while you can. I can assure you that you will have a miserable future with this man. He isn't good enough for you and clearly treats you very poorly. Imagine how he will be when you have kids with him. That's when it's difficult to leave.

LindyHemming · 26/09/2016 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 26/09/2016 23:03

Run. Like. Fuck.

ample · 26/09/2016 23:04

He's a really nice guy in some ways..

There are nicer guys, better guys out there. If you stay you'll be marrying him with hope that he will change. He won't.
You're young, leave and move on. You deserve better.

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 26/09/2016 23:09

The thing is OP you are so free

You are in a position many of us could envy. If I was in your position right now I'd be seriously looking at jobs abroad and having a year out (or three) especially if your job is a bit unstable.

I say that because I was in your position many years ago ( bf was slightly less of a tosser) and I hit rock bottom one day, said Fuck This Shit and bought a ticket to Australia. spent a good few years travelling and working my way round the world The ONLY bit I regret is not ditching the loser and doing it sooner. Oh, and not staying out there longer!

You have no ties. Get the fuck out of there and start living your life.

Lemonlady22 · 26/09/2016 23:13

i got to the bit where you said he wets himself when drunk and didnt need to read any further.....chuck him out....why would you put up with that!

Beebeeeight · 26/09/2016 23:15

Done f up your life by having a DC with this man!

MyPeriodFeatures · 26/09/2016 23:28

Op. You have absolutely no idea of what lies ahead of you if you have children with this man.

There are loads of us here who have had children with abusive and addicted men.

When you have a baby you will lose your personal autonomy and power. You will be reliant and vulnerable to a greater or lesser degree for years. Literally years.

Get out. Listen to what women here have to say. It is one of the hardest things to go through once you have children and you will never be free properly because these man children are not pretty when they are trying to control and dominate a woman with a child to care for

coconutpie · 27/09/2016 00:57

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THAT MAN.

Leave him, now. Tell him it's not working out and you're breaking up with him. You owe him nothing. Move your stuff out to your friend's house and then tell him and leave.

Coffeeisnotmyfriend · 27/09/2016 18:36

Ok, an update

Things came to a head sooner than expected, we broke up today. He took it surprisingly well and said he had suspected something was wrong

I am taking my pets and moving to my mum's spare room asap. Taking a few days off work to get packed up and am applying for other jobs

Thank you all x

OP posts:
ayeokthen · 27/09/2016 18:38

Well done Coffee, hope you're ok after a tough day.

NameChange30 · 27/09/2016 18:40

Good for you, OP. Best of luck with the move and job hunt. Glad your mum can have you and your pets. Stay strong xx

expatinscotland · 27/09/2016 18:42

Really glad you and your pets have a place to go. You need space. You need someone to support YOU.

Featherybum · 27/09/2016 18:51

Good luck think you have made the right decision x

Ilovenannyplum · 27/09/2016 18:58

Only just read this thread but bloody well done OP.
You have absolutely done the right thing FlowersWine

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 27/09/2016 19:03

Well done, coffee. Onwards and upwards!

JellyBelli · 27/09/2016 19:08

Coffeeisnotmyfriend Flowers Star
Well done, and I hope things look up for you.

eggyface · 27/09/2016 19:12

Oh yay well done you! ! Exciting times are ahead. X

InTheseFlipFlops · 27/09/2016 19:13

"He suspected something was wrong"
.... Did he suspect his behaviour?!?!
Well done, honestly well done.
I went back to my mums it was bumpy at first I'll admit. But also, quite comforting. Dinner cooked, company and a bit of TLC.
Take some time for you.
Good luck