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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP locked me out of the house. AIBU to leave him?

295 replies

Coffeeisnotmyfriend · 25/09/2016 19:51

Last night DP and I were out celebrating his friend's birthday. Half way through the night some of the group including DP decided to go to a nearby bar while the rest of us stayed where we were.

When I got home at about 2, DP had locked me out by accident. He knew I had no keys but was so pissed he forgot.

Luckily I was able to call a friend, and ended up on the sofa for the night.

The next morning, the house was in darkness- DP didn't get up until about 11, by that point I and a neighbour were considering breaking down the door

His attitude was appalling imo. Anything could have happened to me but instead of being apologetic, he got angry and refused to speak to me until tea time, when he asked what was for dinner.

I am furious. This is the latest in a long line of things that have caused me to doubt our relationship.

He still goes out partying and drinking with the same friends he has known all his life. He drinks to the point where he cannot stand and wets himself. It's a big group and they are all marrying, getting engaged so lots of nights out. They are in their early 30s I am mid 20s

I try to talk to him about it but he gets angry and shuts off. He can't just have a couple of drinks, he has to get utterly fucked

I have to drive everywhere because I don't trust him to drive. I don't feel safe in the car with him.
Financially I think I am the higher earner but I don't actually know. He pays for the TV and half the rent. I pay everything else and the car is in my name. He always has plenty of money for things he wants though.

I do all the housework and most of the cooking. We have been living together for three years and he is yet to clean the bathroom

I would like to be more financially stable but he thinks there is no point buying a house when you can rent one. Though he is currently saving to go on am expensive gambling holiday.

Our sex life is shit, we've had sex once in two months, however he will go upstairs and masterbate loudly to porn.

I'm trying to think of good stuff, but now I have written down all of the above, it's hard to remember any. He used to be very romantic and thoughtful over gifts etc. We have had some fab holidays together.

The thing is, he is now saying he wants children. We are engaged but had decided to wait a good few years to marry and I still feel too young to have children.

Sorry that this is a long post, my friend is a regular member of mumsnet and she suggested I should post here

OP posts:
Wonderflonium · 25/09/2016 20:36

It doesn't even sound like he LIKES you, dude.

NotYoda · 25/09/2016 20:36

To be fair, if he wets himself, then the average 5 year old has outgrown him

Sorry, he may be charming and funny and all that but you will look back and realise what an escape you had.

Take it from some of us middle-aged people. Life is tooooo short

WuTangFlan · 25/09/2016 20:37

"As your job is ending, this is a great opportunity.

Start looking for another one, elsewhere, as well as a place to stay, and make new friends."

^^ This, with bells on. It sounds scary but it will be so worth it.

HardcoreLadyType · 25/09/2016 20:37

Better not to argue. You can just say, "I'm not really happy, and I've decided to move out." You might want to make sure you have somewhere to go first though.

You don't have to justify your decision to him, beyond saying you are unhappy, and can't see a future with him, otherwise you might get bogged down in arguing over who cleans the loo, and how much cooking each of you do, etc. This is a waste of time, and you risk agreeing that you will stay together if he does x,y and z, which he is likely to do for a month, if you're lucky, before backsliding.

If he wanted to do those things, he'd be doing them, already.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 25/09/2016 20:38

Good god, don't waste another minute. You've got the rest of your life ahead of you, what about a lovely fresh start?

StrangeLookingParasite · 25/09/2016 20:39

There is not a single reason to stay with this dickhead. It might all seem a bit daunting now, but honestly, your life will be so much better. Go, go, go!

EverReadyEddy · 25/09/2016 20:40

You pay all the bills?

What the fuck for?!

Pick your self respect off the floor where he dumped it and get the fuck out.

Superstar90 · 25/09/2016 20:41

Another one saying leave - it'll be hard initially but worth it. I think you knew yourself you weren't super keen by putting the wedding off a few years. Sounds like he just needs to grow up a bit.

StarryIllusion · 25/09/2016 20:42

You do have a child OP. You have a fucking arsehole teenager. Good news is, he isn't yours. LTB.

eddielizzard · 25/09/2016 20:43

don't wait another second - for your job or him. start looking for new work in an area YOU want to live. when you get it, sit him down and tell him you're leaving. or just leave.

AnyFucker · 25/09/2016 20:43

I find it very sad that there are women prepared to accept such shit simply to be in a "relationship"

babyboomersrock · 25/09/2016 20:44

most of my friends are the partners of his friends and it has been like that for years. Basically everyone I know I know through him

Once you're away from him, OP, I suggest you make and keep your own new friends - they're the ones who will keep you grounded and remind you who you are. There's nothing wrong with having mutual friends as well, but don't narrow your life down like this; you may leave yourself vulnerable and with no support when you need it.

Don't get into a discussion about the relationship. It's hardly a relationship anyway - at the moment, you look after an adult who can't be trusted to drive safely, who drinks so much he wets his pants, who is only interested in sex with himself. Nothing compensates for that - nothing. Tell him it isn't enough for you - he'll panic (belatedly) and beg you to stay, he'll say things will change, so be prepared for that. Write down what you listed on here and read it when you feel weak - believe me, you deserve so much more.

Go out there, find a job and other interests, and start living.

Huppopapa · 25/09/2016 20:45

Have you seen this thread? 400 messages long, but if she can do it with four children, what are you waiting for? (Stick with it...)
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2738934-the-police-are-going-to-arrest-my-partner-it-won-t-help-but-they-won-t-listen-i-asked-them-not-to-what-the-hell-am-i-going-to-do?

janethegirl2 · 25/09/2016 20:45

Please leave, my dd is in a similar situation but she's not quite realised how immature her dp is. She will do eventually. You do know you need to leave your current set up OP but you just must make the first move Flowers

EttaJ · 25/09/2016 20:46

What Anyfucker said with bells on.

He's a cunt. Run.

ToastDemon · 25/09/2016 20:47

You don't need to pick a fight to break up with him. You just tell him that it's not working for you any more and you want to end it.
Believe me, I know how hard it is to do this. To just end a relationship in what feels like cold blood. I know that you will have feelings invested in him that we are not privy to.
But you must. You cannot sacrifice yourself for the sake of the feelings of a man who returns no such consideration to you.
It will be so worth it once you've done it and moved on, and can get on with the rest of your wonderful life without this liability.

Starlight234 · 25/09/2016 20:48

You don't need to start and argument..You just tell him its over.

Do not have sex with him...If you get pregnant you are stuck in contact with him for at least 18 years .. worse you would have to hand your child over to this man to take care of.

chocolateshortcake · 25/09/2016 20:50

Another "run for the hills". Run run run.

ToastDemon · 25/09/2016 20:50

Oh god yes that's another thing. Can you imagine if you have a child with him, and then wind up splitting. You're too scared to go in the car with him, can you imagine handing over your precious child to be driven by him? Or to be so scared of this eventuality that you don't leave him for 18 years even though you desperately want to?

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 25/09/2016 20:50

YANBU. Run. Run away fast. Don't look back.

For the moment you can rent somewhere small near your job (bonus -- no more long commute!). When you find out what's happening longer-term with your work you can think about something more permanent.

You don't need an argument you can just say "this relationship isn't working for me any more". What sort of tenancy have you got where you are at the moment how long will it take to separate your finances completely (I assume right now you are jointly and severally liable for the rent)?

Get involved in activities you actually enjoy doing and you'll make new friends who you have something in common with.

expatinscotland · 25/09/2016 20:51

Don't waste another minute on him! Find a room to move to. Move your stuff out whilst he's at work. Leave a note. 'This isn't working for me anymore. I want different things out of a relationship and so I've moved on.' And then just fucking ghost him! You owe him FA. He's a total manchild and a loser.

bomfunk · 25/09/2016 20:52

There is someone in this world, in your country, in your town who ll never ever treat you like this. Don't do the slippery slope thing of feeling you are too invested in this relationship to throw it away. You have no kids. You CAN walk away from this arse sack and your life can be INFINITELY better. You deserve infinitely better.

trafalgargal · 25/09/2016 20:52

You don't need to start an argument to leave. Find somewhere else to live for now short term. Near work ideally. Book a day off work and van , take what you need with you and put the rest (anything you paid for) in storage and leave him a note saying things aren't working in your relationship so you are leaving. No need for any drama , just go. He isn't worth expending energy over.

maddening · 25/09/2016 20:56

Start by looking for jobs in places that you would like to live - if you fancy a few different cities then look everywhere - you are in a great position as you are renting and unattached (well your current baggage us very detachable :) you are employable and own a car - start job hunting and researching places to live :)

ohtheholidays · 25/09/2016 20:56

Whatever you do don't bring children into this relationship you would never forgive yourself.
It's harsh but true!

I've been where you are and I had very young DC,I left and mine and my DC's lifes improved so much,but it would have been alot easier and I would have left alot sooner if we hadn't had DC.

You need to leave for your own sake!If you worried about your job,is there anyone you can ask at work?If your jobs going to be okay and you want to stay in it could you move closer to work?

If there's no one you can ask at work then start looking at areas you'd like to live in and look for work within or near those places.

Your all adults OP so if the people you've made friends with through him are real friends you not being together any more shouldn't stop them or you from still being friends.