DP locked me out of the house. AIBU to leave him?

[Coffeeisnotmyfriend]

Last night DP and I were out celebrating his friend's birthday. Half way through the night some of the group including DP decided to go to a nearby bar while the rest of us stayed where we were.

When I got home at about 2, DP had locked me out by accident. He knew I had no keys but was so pissed he forgot.

Luckily I was able to call a friend, and ended up on the sofa for the night.

The next morning, the house was in darkness- DP didn't get up until about 11, by that point I and a neighbour were considering breaking down the door

His attitude was appalling imo. Anything could have happened to me but instead of being apologetic, he got angry and refused to speak to me until tea time, when he asked what was for dinner.

I am furious. This is the latest in a long line of things that have caused me to doubt our relationship.

He still goes out partying and drinking with the same friends he has known all his life. He drinks to the point where he cannot stand and wets himself. It's a big group and they are all marrying, getting engaged so lots of nights out. They are in their early 30s I am mid 20s

I try to talk to him about it but he gets angry and shuts off. He can't just have a couple of drinks, he has to get utterly fucked

I have to drive everywhere because I don't trust him to drive. I don't feel safe in the car with him.
Financially I think I am the higher earner but I don't actually know. He pays for the TV and half the rent. I pay everything else and the car is in my name. He always has plenty of money for things he wants though.

I do all the housework and most of the cooking. We have been living together for three years and he is yet to clean the bathroom

I would like to be more financially stable but he thinks there is no point buying a house when you can rent one. Though he is currently saving to go on am expensive gambling holiday.

Our sex life is shit, we've had sex once in two months, however he will go upstairs and masterbate loudly to porn.

I'm trying to think of good stuff, but now I have written down all of the above, it's hard to remember any. He used to be very romantic and thoughtful over gifts etc. We have had some fab holidays together.

The thing is, he is now saying he wants children. We are engaged but had decided to wait a good few years to marry and I still feel too young to have children.

Sorry that this is a long post, my friend is a regular member of mumsnet and she suggested I should post here

You are in your 20's with the WHOLE WORLD at your feet.

Just GO.

I don't even have the energy to say much more & im sure the there's have covered it nicely.

Life is FAR too short to waste another minute with this pissy pants. Seriously.

Right now find a flat/friend/share/short term room let/anything near work. Take a couple Of days off of work & GO.

GO before you end up pregnant & tied to this cock womble for life.

Go.

As your job is ending, this is a great opportunity.

Start looking for another one, elsewhere, as well as a place to stay, and make new friends.

Btw, next time build your own friendships, so you're not left in the same position ever.

This is definitely not a man to start a family with, and he's probably bringing up children to secure you. Get out while you can.

So if he pays the tv and half the rent, does that mean you pay;
Half rent.
Council tax.
Gas/leccy/water/
Car/insurance.
Food.
Have I missed anything?

No wonder he has plenty of money. You pay for everything and cook and clean.
Stop being a mug op and LTB. He is a man child who will never grow up and an alcoholic. Would you really want your future children having him as their father whilst you wait on him hand and foot.

Give landlord notice that you want off the tenancy agreement. If he chooses to stay there thats up to him.
Get yourself a flat or houseshare near your work to save cash not having to commute. Maybe even getting rid of car if money is tight. Then relax and enjoy your life.

I think you know that you're flogging a dead horse. Nothing to add other than this guy sounds like a massive loser and a user.
LTB and go and be happy.

Don't waste even one minute trying to find a 'good point'.

He has enough 'bad points' that even if he had a stack of good points it wouldn't even merit a second thought. Focus on YOU.

Aim high , apply for your dream job regardless of the location (abroad too if you like) and see what happens. Leaving him may be an easy decision with a far better offer on the table.

It is daunting, but you will be ok, maybe not day one, but slowly you will be better.

Please please don't have children with this excuse for a human being. The more connections you make the harder it will be to leave.

Usain Bolt would have nothing on me if I was in a relationship like that. Which I wouldn't be. Ewwww, what are you DOING?? You sound sane, articulate, why on earth would you waste time with this individual?

Would it be best to find a short term let anywhere that's not with him? Then you can make real plans once you get your next job. If you need motivation to LTB just imagine how lovely it will be not to share a flat with him or clean up after him ever again !!

I am with my friend now who suggested posting on MN, and she says I have outgrown him.

Yes, I basically pay for everything else. I didn't quite catch on to the unfairness of that until recently

I just don't know how to break it off with him, we've been together since I was in my teens. Do I start an argument or what?

Be your own best friend. Seriously. His friends girlfriends are not your friends, really they're not. You'll make new friends, real friends, your friends when you move & find yourself.

I have never, ever said LTB on here, but honestly love, LTB, move and start again. You deserve so much better than this.

You are mid 20s, big off travelling, move to a city you've never been to, get a new job and start a hobby. Move back near the folks and take up with old friends.

Any single one of those will lead to new opportunities, new friends, new excitement.

He sets himself when drunk, wanks rather than having a good sex life and does fuck all work, emotional or physical to support you.

Whatever your life will be it can't be worse!

I've walked away and started again with 3 young DC, don't be me. Go now.

He sounds bloody awful run now whilst you still can. You're still so young don't waste your life like this.

He's a prick and you'll be well rid of him.

My job may be ending in a couple of months

I can understand you not wanting to leave and set up house right now since you aren't sure of your future employment. But as long as you are sure you are safe and there are no children involved, can you spend that next couple of months secretly saving every penny you can? If the job ends, use the money to move home. If it turns long term, use the money to move closer to work. You can also use that time to (quietly) unentangle any finances/rental lease you may have with him and to move important papers and sentimental/valuable things from your current house to a 'safe place'.

The essence of this is, though, that you'll have to be able to 'divorce' your feelings from him. It will only work if you are 100% committed to breaking it off with him and are sure you won't backpedal. And you'll have to be able to maintain some facade so that he doesn't know you're planning on leaving. But if you are truly miserable or if you don't think you can pull off the secrecy, then just leave now.

Don't start an argument, just be honest and tell him he is not what you want any more. He cannot possibly think you're relationship is a healthy one.

Bloody hell bog off travelling and wets himself.

I hate my phone.

Oh and no you have the right just to walk away. Pack your shit,
Go to your friends or your mums until you get sorted and text him see ya!

You have no kids, no financial ties and no marriage. Just walk.

Time to think logically about how to leave.

You need to find somewhere to move to,

then pack up your things in your car and leave, as soon as possible.

If you are joint names on the rent books, then give the required notice to the landlord immediately, that you are leaving. Let your now "ex-df" work out if he wants to stay or leave.

Don't forget to request final bills for all the utilities. Let him deal with putting them into his name if he decides to stay put.

You are definitely not unreasonable to leave him, in fact you would be foolish to stay a minute longer than you have to, from what you have said.

GO!

You can't waste the best years of your life with him.

SHE is a friend. She's steering you in the right direction. It's bloody sad he's older than you & you've outgrown him, that gap will keep widening because YOU are growing up, he's not, and he should have, long before you.

You find a place to go.
You move your stuff there when he's at work
You either leave him a note or be there with a friend when he gets home from work.

You don't see him alone - God knows how 'angry' he might get given how angry he got about locking you out.

You don't start an argument. OWN your feelings, tell him you are done with him using you, treating you like crap & not acting like an actual adult. DONE. Be VERY clear there's no talking you around.

I DO understand how hard it is. I was 25 when I broke up with my partner, we'd been together since I was a teen & I loved him. But we'd grown apart & it had to be done. It is scary, you do worry about all sorts of stuff, but it needs doing & in a very short time you'll wonder why the hell you didn't do it sooner. Put your Big Girl Pants on & do it.

Re your job. Just find Tem accommodation if that's the case, then you're FREE to go anywhere that a good job comes up. You're in your 20's BLOODY ENJOY IT!!

It's not going to get better, you know that. His friends come first, his drink comes first. You are so young to live this life of drudgery. What difference will it make to his life if you move out? He'll have to take more minicabs and get takeaways - that's quite sad isn't it.

If he is like this now, do you think he will change with children? Do you think he will be doing night feeds if he is not even conscious to open the door. What help and support will you get as a sleep deprived new mum if he has not cleaned the bathroom in three years? You don't even know how much he earns. Get out and find yourself a loving, grown up man.

Agree with the poster who said move closer to work or start applying for jobs - nearer to your family, near old friends, somewhere away from this toxic man. Once you are gone it will be a huge relief and you will look back and think phew what a relief. You deserve so much more

"This thread has 94 messages" and they all say the same thing - time to go dear.

What a loser, walk away, and enjoy the rest of your life .

What has happened to you in your life OP which has annihilated your confidence to such a degree that you would consider this excuse for a man to be worthy of you?

The man you choose as your life partner should put your happiness at least as high as his own, should be there to support you when you need help, respect you and should make you feel proud to be with them. They should share everything with you and be your rock. No one is perfect, but 99% of the time you should wake up with a smile because they're waking up with you.

Life is hard, children bring amazing joy but also challenges you cannot begin to imagine. You need a partner who will have your back, who will share all of the responsibility as well as the fun. Having children will never strengthen a failing relationship IME.

RUN OP, this man is not good enough. Not even close. Don't let jobs/rentals/division of friendships make you stay in an unhappy relationship.