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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP locked me out of the house. AIBU to leave him?

295 replies

Coffeeisnotmyfriend · 25/09/2016 19:51

Last night DP and I were out celebrating his friend's birthday. Half way through the night some of the group including DP decided to go to a nearby bar while the rest of us stayed where we were.

When I got home at about 2, DP had locked me out by accident. He knew I had no keys but was so pissed he forgot.

Luckily I was able to call a friend, and ended up on the sofa for the night.

The next morning, the house was in darkness- DP didn't get up until about 11, by that point I and a neighbour were considering breaking down the door

His attitude was appalling imo. Anything could have happened to me but instead of being apologetic, he got angry and refused to speak to me until tea time, when he asked what was for dinner.

I am furious. This is the latest in a long line of things that have caused me to doubt our relationship.

He still goes out partying and drinking with the same friends he has known all his life. He drinks to the point where he cannot stand and wets himself. It's a big group and they are all marrying, getting engaged so lots of nights out. They are in their early 30s I am mid 20s

I try to talk to him about it but he gets angry and shuts off. He can't just have a couple of drinks, he has to get utterly fucked

I have to drive everywhere because I don't trust him to drive. I don't feel safe in the car with him.
Financially I think I am the higher earner but I don't actually know. He pays for the TV and half the rent. I pay everything else and the car is in my name. He always has plenty of money for things he wants though.

I do all the housework and most of the cooking. We have been living together for three years and he is yet to clean the bathroom

I would like to be more financially stable but he thinks there is no point buying a house when you can rent one. Though he is currently saving to go on am expensive gambling holiday.

Our sex life is shit, we've had sex once in two months, however he will go upstairs and masterbate loudly to porn.

I'm trying to think of good stuff, but now I have written down all of the above, it's hard to remember any. He used to be very romantic and thoughtful over gifts etc. We have had some fab holidays together.

The thing is, he is now saying he wants children. We are engaged but had decided to wait a good few years to marry and I still feel too young to have children.

Sorry that this is a long post, my friend is a regular member of mumsnet and she suggested I should post here

OP posts:
SmellOfPythonInTheMorning · 25/09/2016 20:57

What everyone else says. One day you will look back and scratch your head wondering why you were so scared of leaving him.

Lunchboxlewiswillyoumarryme · 25/09/2016 21:02

Don't walk away honey.....FUCKING RUN

ThreeSheetsToTheWind · 25/09/2016 21:04

Your comment, above all resonated with me: 'I can't remember the last time he paid me a compliment'....

Well my highly abusive and manipulative ex, who everyone thought was amazing, never, ever, ever, paid me a compliment when I came back from the hairdressers, oh yes, others did, but he never, ever did. He was emotionally cruel in other ways, hard to define ways, but to this day, in my 60's, I have to cut my own hair.

Abusers don't always hit you. They don't always shout. I don't even know they know they are abusive. I only know how to feel undermined :(

Original poster
Coffeeisnotmyfriend · 25/09/2016 21:04

Thank you all

I'm having a good think about how to go about it, financially I don't think it can be right away but I'm working on a time limit to move out

OP posts:
slithytove · 25/09/2016 21:05

You are so, so lucky you have no ties to him.
You can walk away. Do what you want with your life. Find someone who is your equal to spend your time with.

You own the car. Give notice to your landlord and walk, you owe this person nothing.

Original poster
Coffeeisnotmyfriend · 25/09/2016 21:06

I don't think I could just leave a note and go, I would rather talk it through even though I'm pretty sure I'm going to leave.

He's out again today so tomorrow would be the first chance to talk to him.

How do I start that conversation? What do I say?

OP posts:
mum2Bomg · 25/09/2016 21:07

Leg it! I started a great new job and moved to London when I was your age (ish) after leaving the bastard. Cue fantastic, shiny new life. It was awesome and I wouldn't have met my husband if that hadn't happened. Scary as hell for the first month but it'll be awesome...!

Polkadot1974 · 25/09/2016 21:09

Just go. Now

bloodyteenagers · 25/09/2016 21:09

So how do you do it?
You look for somewhere closer to where you work. Start off with renting a room, as it will be short term.
You will probably be lucky and find somewhere to move into straight away within the next week or two.
You go back and you pack, load the car and tell him it's over. You cannot continue to live with a selfish man child who prefers pissing and wanking to a loving, mutually respectful relationship. You get in the car and drive off into the new you.

You will make friends. Of course you will. I am actually quiet alarmed that he has isolated you that much and also wonder if he allows you contact with your family?

It will be hard. You will question yourself. But you honestly will have done the right thing. He will never change. If he gave a fuck he wouldn't be doing this to you know. It also sounds that maybe his friends are also getting fed up and advising you.

Oh and if you can, change your number. You don't want to be dealing with the constant drunk calls when he's realised that he's fucked up. Or the calls cos he's a pathetic man child who is hungry. Or wondering why the bathroom is a state.

Nanny0gg · 25/09/2016 21:09

You've grown up, he hasn't.

Make plans to leave - maybe if your job is uncertain, look for another one anyway, wherever you want to live.

Is it a joint tenancy?

mum2Bomg · 25/09/2016 21:09

I'd leave it until you feel ready to say it. That might be a few days but you'll have time to think over what you'll say. When there comes a point when you're both there, on your own, turn the TV off and just say how you feel. I've found these things are better to do during the day - less dramatic and they know you mean it. Good luck x

SpartaCarcass · 25/09/2016 21:10

Another saying leave but also be ABSOLUTELY BLOODY SURE not to get pregnant. Go and get an implant or something so nothing can accidentally keep you with this selfish manchild. I'd assume if you did get pregnant he'd get violent as well as everything else ... he sounds the type.

You don't need lots of finances to move out. Get a shared room in a house. It might not be glamorous but it is short term and will be your own space. You can then think what you really want to do. The world is yours to explore.

I felt such MASSIVE relief when I moved out from my long term idiot ex. It was like sheets and sheets of worry and angst falling away.

NameChange30 · 25/09/2016 21:10

There are at least three deal breakers in your OP, one would be justification enough for ending it.

Whose name is the tenancy in? His, yours or joint?

If it's in his name, you just pack your bags and leave. If it's your name, you ask him to leave (and give him a deadline). If it's in joint names it's a bit more complicated but still a damn sight more straightforward than if you had a mortgage together.

Empress13 · 25/09/2016 21:11

Run run run - the fact he wets himself would be a huge no no for me. You sound like his mother not his g/f.

QOD · 25/09/2016 21:11

Sorry mate. You've gotta go

Inertia · 25/09/2016 21:12

You don't need to pick a fight - leaving because the relationship isn't working is perfectly reasonable, especially as you have no children.

I would start looking for a new job in an area where you want to be (do you have family who could help you out?) and go from there.

roundaboutthetown · 25/09/2016 21:13

You'd have to be mad to have children with an alcoholic.

Starlight234 · 25/09/2016 21:14

Tell his behaviour today has made you look at your relationship with him and this is not what you want.

You don't need to have an argument.. It isn't about a debate...You need to state what you want.

Tell him until lease finishes you will be splitting bills 50/50...

ImperialBlether · 25/09/2016 21:15

These threads are so depressing. OP, you need to take action! You don't have to move out immediately, but you want to absolutely make sure you don't get pregnant (that should be quite easy, given his proclivities) and get some money off him for the bloody bills. How dare he put you in a position where you're paying for virtually everything!

Make a plan - start with thinking about where you want to live and start to apply for jobs now. Don't wait until you're unemployed. Think of a lovely future for yourself without him.

nannyharp · 25/09/2016 21:18

My heart sank when I read your post, it was like reading my own life 4 years ago when I must have been with your DP's twin!! I was locked out by my drunken unconscious ex too, spent 3 hours ringing the doorbell in the middle of winter. I spent countless nights waking up in a urine soaked bed where he had wet himself after drinking several bottles of wine. He became very violent when drunk, emotionally and physically abused me. The last straw was stealing money from me.

Honestly, get out while you still can my love. I thought I wouldn't be able to live without him, but here I am just about to buy a house with the nicest man I've ever met.

Run, run as fast as you can!!

Starryeyed16 · 25/09/2016 21:20

Op I'm coming to my 30s shortly and I was having a discussion about past relationships with DH when I turned round and said I wish I had been more picky and didn't put up with half the shit I did in my twenties. I got with a massive nobhead who got me pregnant and cheated with someone else. I am stuck with this man and have to deal with him well after DS is an adult and gets married or has his own kids he will never be fully out of my life. I just hope my own DD chooses wisely and doesn't fall into the same trap I did. You know this relationship is dead I would end it as quickly and smoothly and look to the future before he has chance to change your mind and there's a child in the mix.

george1020 · 25/09/2016 21:21

Why have you got to have a timeline Confused
Honestly it sounds like he doesn't particularly like you or give a shit about you.
He is vile and beyond pathetic.
Just pack your bag/bags and move back to your parents
Or rent a room/travelodge/flat tomorrow and move out tomorrow.

I really hate to say it but you will probably find your partners friends may not want to pick sides and stay friendly with you and in that case it might be better to get back home to the parents.

bloodyteenagers · 25/09/2016 21:22

Don't tell him that you will pay 50/50 until the lease has finished. You move out and sever ties.
My ex tried this bs. He expected me to pay full rent on new place and half his. Judge handed his arse to him on a plate when he blamed me for the arrears he got after I left.

nannyharp · 25/09/2016 21:23

Infact the more I read the more similarities there are, it's quite astounding! Beginning to worry you're actually talking about my ex!! Haha you're not from a place beginning with S are you?

Original poster
Coffeeisnotmyfriend · 25/09/2016 21:23

The tenancy is in nobody's name because there isn't actually a tenancy agreement. We are renting privately off his good friends (further evidence as to how entrenched his life is here) so the electricity is on a meter and my post gets delivered here, that is it. The direct debit for TV and broadband is in his name, I pay the TV licence but that is easily cancelled.

The car is mine completely, he has no claim on it except for being a named driver and occasionally paying me petrol money.

We have pets that I am worried about however, I love them to bits. However there are a few people I could leave them with temporarily if necessary

OP posts: