Showing my mum photos and suddenly realised why I'm so low in confidence

[Luzylou]

My mum came yesterday and I started showing her holiday pics of our trip to New York. One particular photo was a selfie I took in Central Park, laying on the grass with the bright sun on my face. Now I know I'm no oil painting and due to my lack of confidence I don't take many selfies and if I do, I tend not to show anyone them. Anyway this particular pic I was quite proud of as I thought I looked pretty fresh faced for a change and it showed the tranquility of the park so I included it in the holiday pics. Anyway her immediate reaction was to squeal "oh yikes! That's awful! Haha was that after a night out by any chance?? You look half asleep! Hehe no sorry Lou, I don't like that one!". I awkwardly laughed it off but I was hurt actually as I thought it was a decent picture. Other people that have seen it liked it so the reaction shocked me and put me on a downer.

This isn't the first example of this though, she did it recently when I showed her a photo of me at work in uniform. I thought it was a decent picture yet her first reaction was "oh Lou! What an awful picture! You look really old!! Were you stressed that day by any chance?? Haha"

She's done it loads and used to do it when I was a kid as well. I once experimented with a new hairstyle as a teen and when I went to show her she burst out laughing and said "what on earth have you done to your hair! Looks like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards!".
My confidence has always been shit (no surprises there eh!) so examples like this just mortify me and make me not bother incase I get laughed at or in case people don't like it.

Aibu to be hurt about the holiday pic? She didn't need to say it was amazing but if she didn't like it, why say anything?? I'd never dream of ripping someone's pic to bits like that, even if I did think they looked rough!

Although I wasn't allowed to be sporty I was cast as 'brains' of the family - my sister was the 'beauty'. Way to damage us both at once!
I vividly remember buying a red cord size 10 Chelsea girl skirt which I loved, first time I can recall really feeling good about how I looked. Mum's response - they must have put the wrong size on it!

Your mother sounds toxic. We all say things we know we shouldn't be saying every now and again in the heat of the moment, but she is out of control. She's your mother ffs. I would be so very very hurt if someone said those things to me. Is she ever nice to you?

luzylou

There's really no kind way to say this, but honestly, your Mum is a complete bitch. The photos, the 'Bugsy' stuff, all bloody horrible - but fuck me, that comment about your DH on your wedding day, totally unforgivable. Totally.

How some of you don't go NC I don't know, I really, really don't 💐

My Mum did this, not about appearance but about everything else. All it took was for me to be happy or optimistic about something and she'd put the boot in. Never to my brother only to me. A couple of times I tried to tackle her about it and got nowhere, she just said I was talking nonsense. Until the day I snapped and refused to let her brush it off. There was a long pause and she then said slowly "that's what my mother used to do to me ....I never realised I was doing it to you. I am so sorry". We then talked about my grandmother who died when I was a baby and Mum never talked about her. As soon as she acknowledged it I felt like a huge weight had lifted off me. She died shortly afterwards I'm really glad I didn't leave it unresolved.

How awful this is. I'm so sorry to all the posters with weird, negative mothers. It must do a lot of damage to have that in your psyche and I hope you can get enough distance to build your confidence properly. I never really realised how lucky I am to have a mother who thinks I am the bees knees until I read all about these toxic mothers on MN.

Why wouldn't you think your children are the best thing since sliced bread? You don't have to tell the neighbours that your children are amazing - that would be annoying - but you'd certainly want to let your children know that you think they are pretty bloody fab.

I guess they had pretty weird messages themselves, growing up, but honestly there isn't really any excuse, once you are a parent yourself, for passing on this sort of damage without at least trying to correct yourself.

Oh & I meant to say, you know your reaction to chiquitas photos, I'd put money on us feeling the same about yours. It's not about you. It's your bloody mother.

Chiquita, you look amazing , a confident fabulous woman.
Be proud, don't let anyone knock you down.

My Mum is like this too, it makes me that there are so many of them out there. One of her best examples was when she was being critical about me as a child (favourite topic of hers as it happens). I plucked up the courage to respond with 'you never say anything positive about me as a child'

Her response: 'there's nothing positive to say'.

That was it for me. I see her only very occasionally now, but that was the end of any shred of love I still felt for her, and the end of any power she had to hurt me. Its a good feeling to be free of such a toxic person. I hope you end up feeling the same freedom too.

My mother is the same, not with my looks (I know the back end of a bus would win a beauty competition against me) but with other achievements - when I got a 2:1 whilst working and bringing up 3 children as a lone parent her comment was 'Why didn't you get a first?"

Just read the first few of your comments to my husband OP. He said about you mum "she sounds like a bit of a sad bitch" yup. Sounds like she is very jealous of you and anyone else who is enjoying their life.
It is really hard to regain self confidence once suppressed (I know), but really, if YOU liked the picture, that is all that matters. Not the opinion of someone who is always bitter and negative.
Oh and btw, when I read him the comment about what she said about your husband crying on your wedding day, he said "what a c¥nt"

To ruin a beautiful emotional moment of love is unforgivable. Perhaps remove yourself from her ability to comment on your life or sign every future birthday card "one year closer to losing you"
I hope you can feel love for yourself ( not just because someone has promised to spend their life loving you), but because you are a compassionate woman, who knows you are worth more than this negativity.
Go forward knowing her comments speak more about her than you.

I've told my DS that he's gorgeous every single day since he was born, and now he understands what I say I tell him I love him every single day.

I don't care that he's a boy. I want him to have zero doubt that he looks fine (however he develops) and that he is loved. I had neither while I was growing up, so see it as a basic for a parent.

Oh I had this a bit too. I remember being astonished when someone said I was pretty. I thought of myself as being the ugliest thing on 2 legs. My parents still never compliment me. It's as if they think a single compliment might make me unbearably big headed.

Weirdly I get more nice comments in my late 30s then I've ever had before. Dp thinks I look like Cameron Diaz (sadly I really don't!)

Heh, it sounds a bit like my mom has been moonlighting. I've always been conscious of my weight - my mom used to keep on going on about puppy fat, but looking back at photos of me as a little girl, I was a scrawny little thing.

As I got older, she would keep saying stuff like, 'you carry all of your weight on your legs', and 'it's a shame, you've got such a tiny bust and waist, you're like two different people stuck together'. I got so self conscious that I'd only wear ankle length skirts.

When I was 19, encouraged by my best friend, I bought a knee length dress. My mom saw me wearing it, and said, 'ooh no love, you've not got the legs to wear that'.

In my early 20s, I became bulimic. I finally started getting compliments from her, whilst my friends became desperately worried at my protruding ribs and sternum and pallid skin.

I ended up having therapy, and realised how much my mother had damaged me. I'm now genuinely a bit of a tubster (turns out I have PCOS and hypothyroidism), and I do want to lose weight, but sensibly and to be healthier, rather than to appease my mother's sensibilities.

Despite knowing that I've suffered from an eating disorder and the aforementioned conditions, she still asks me 'how much are you weighing?' every time she sees me. She asked it two days after I gave birth. She also said, 'After you, fatty!' when I was 8 months pregnant!

She's obsessed with everyone's weight though - my brother, his wife, his in-laws, our dogs...

My mum does this too. I sent her some of our honeymoon pics, one of which I thought was really lovely, windblown on a mountain top but we're both grinning. The next time I spoke to my mum I asked if she'd got the pics I sent. ' Oh yes, she said, ' the one where you both look wrinkled and old'. Not sure I will ever forgive her for spoiling that pic for me. She would always tell me how pretty other girls were when I was growing up too. I never had any confidence. Even now she can still do it. She told me that sadly an old school friend, with whose mother she is friends, had had a miscarriage. Having recently had two myself I said I would like to get in touch. She told me that as my old friend had also had two miscarriages I wouldn't have any more experience than her and she wouldn't need me.

I'm desperate not to repeat this stuff with my own children . It's so hard as there's so much that just seems normal until you start to think how damaging it is.

My mother is the same. Ive always been overweight, and she called me fat, pig, etc. Then once she said my age is so near her age and she's not much older than I am (she gave birth to me at 22! I mean, come on).

unfortunately my siblings and i can relate.. except i was the 'pretty but thick' one, funnily enough i started many educational courses but finished none because i never felt i would be able to achieve anything.. and my sister the 'clever but big boned/ not as attractive' child has always had issues with her confidence as a result...
It's shit really, isnt it !
We rarely call our mother on it , but i would love to write a letter and detail the way she is and the its made us feel...

I hate that anyone feels they have to make themselves feel better by making others feel worse - and when it's your own family.

I'm NC with an aunt who did this all the time growing up to me and ds

Posted too soon

Subsequent happenings have proved it was pure jealousy.

OP do you feel strong enough to post one of your wedding pics? I bet you looked fabulous

OP I too have negative parents whilst on the one hand you definately don't derserve this behaviour and you can't control the awful way she behaves but on the other something you can control is her opprotunities to do this to you. In future don't show her the pictures and limit your contact with her when shes being particularly bad. Honestly it's the only way to survive it! You have to look after yourself too. Hugs xx

Just to add my personal favourite to the shit things my DM said to me list... When I asked if I could get my ears pierced, my mother kindly suggested that I shouldn't do anything that would "draw attention to my face". Even now, 30 years on, that comment still smarts and sadly was but one of many.

Her response: 'there's nothing positive to say'

Oh Hector.

My mother never said anything positive about me to my face. Supposedly she did so in private, but I never heard them. She also called me repulsive, when, at about 15, I wore something she didn't like.

Oh, and the worst part of growing up with this is how prone it makes you to abusers. People who are really critical are 'seeing the real you', because it's what your mother did when you were growing up. I don't know how to unpick it.

What a sad thread. Strangely enough my father did this to me but he was a full blown narcissist. I have confidence in my looks and abilities now because I realise that comments like those above are actually nothing to do with reality. These people are damaged individuals who feed off others' misery.

Luzy Your mother's comments are of no value whatsoever. I wish you luck in mentally distancing yourself from this. and actually lots of love as well. You deserve every happiness.

It's rude and unnecessary, god some people really don't think how their words affect others.

I've got a mother like that. I'm 43 now, battled eating issues on and off, hidden behind baggy clothes and feel constantly not good enough.

But this year I've decided that she can fuck off with her attitude. I love her but I don't deserve her negativity and it says more about her than me. So I call her on it now. 'Did you mean to be so rude?' Has been uttered more than once!