Showing my mum photos and suddenly realised why I'm so low in confidence

[Luzylou]

My mum came yesterday and I started showing her holiday pics of our trip to New York. One particular photo was a selfie I took in Central Park, laying on the grass with the bright sun on my face. Now I know I'm no oil painting and due to my lack of confidence I don't take many selfies and if I do, I tend not to show anyone them. Anyway this particular pic I was quite proud of as I thought I looked pretty fresh faced for a change and it showed the tranquility of the park so I included it in the holiday pics. Anyway her immediate reaction was to squeal "oh yikes! That's awful! Haha was that after a night out by any chance?? You look half asleep! Hehe no sorry Lou, I don't like that one!". I awkwardly laughed it off but I was hurt actually as I thought it was a decent picture. Other people that have seen it liked it so the reaction shocked me and put me on a downer.

This isn't the first example of this though, she did it recently when I showed her a photo of me at work in uniform. I thought it was a decent picture yet her first reaction was "oh Lou! What an awful picture! You look really old!! Were you stressed that day by any chance?? Haha"

She's done it loads and used to do it when I was a kid as well. I once experimented with a new hairstyle as a teen and when I went to show her she burst out laughing and said "what on earth have you done to your hair! Looks like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards!".
My confidence has always been shit (no surprises there eh!) so examples like this just mortify me and make me not bother incase I get laughed at or in case people don't like it.

Aibu to be hurt about the holiday pic? She didn't need to say it was amazing but if she didn't like it, why say anything?? I'd never dream of ripping someone's pic to bits like that, even if I did think they looked rough!

[Ninasimoneinthemorning]

I have a mum like this - been NC for about 18 years now.

They do it from such a young age because they themselves are damaged and want yo keep you in your place and take a little chip off you each time.

My earliest memory is of her always telling me that my smile was ruined by my bad tooth. I was about five do tbf my oral hygiene was actually done to her. All my pictures of me as a child where with me smiling with my mouth closed.

Then I got told I couldn't smile properly in photos

i also got told I breathed to loud. I couldn't walk properly, didn't smoke properly

Blah blah it continued all the way untill I walked away from her and never looked back.

It's a personality fault that they have, it's completly their issue.

op I bet your pictures are lovely and don't take anything she says seriously again.

chiquita you are foxy !

[chiquita1]

ayeokthen:
I sympathise with you, our husbands can be assholes, etc. and we can divorce them but our mothers are going to be our mothers forever and they should support us not trying to blame us for being cheated on, talk about adding insult to injury.

[Ninasimoneinthemorning]

One thing it has done though is make sure I over praise my daughters and to never ever laugh at anything (even if it's incredibly funny) they do that they are doing seriously.

[CesareBorgiasUnicornMask]

I made this realisation fairly recently too OP, though with my Mum it's slightly different,as she has actually always told me I look fantastic, am beautiful etc, so I've always thought of her as supportive, but have realised it's conditional on wearing things she's bought and keeping my hair the way she likes it etc. Any attempt as a child or teenager to develop my own style was met with being told I looked awful, had no idea what suited me and had better rely on her. This wouldnt perhaps be so awful except she has truly appalling taste - I was a fat child (and am still a fat adult) and instead of tackling that she dressed me in floral tents from Evans, twinsets, and even skirt suits with shoulder pads ('you're big boned and need clothes with structure!') from about 8.

My first step of rebellion was getting my ears pierced at 18, (her reaction was to tell me it looked cheap and nasty ans that a fat person wearing studs was like 'a pimple on an elephant') and finally last year aged 25 I had the confidence to start growing my hair out of the short bob with a fringe it's been in since I was two, as I wanted to be able to put it up for my wedding. Every time she's seen me since she's asked me when I'm going to get it cut 'properly' again.

[AbyssinianBanana]

Have you seen that BBC programme Mum? Your mother sounds like Carol's mum.

[ayeokthen]

chiquita1 never a truer word! I deliberately make sure I tell my kids positive things about themselves, and never ever put them down the way my mum does. 40???? I just noticed, I'd have put you late 20s!!! You're on fire woman!

[AbyssinianBanana]

Whoops, sounds like Kel's mum, Carol

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

chiquita, your photos are fabulous, and I would bet the same of the OP's.

for both of you - it's a kind of psychological abuse isn't it? To bring you down a peg or two. Despicable behaviour.

As a child, my parents went through a phase of saying I was "too big for my own boots" and used to say negative things to me. It stopped at some point - but I'm pretty sure it accounts for some of the lack of confidence I have in myself - because I still remember some of the things they said. I don't know why they did this tbh, because I was a cripplingly shy child outside of the home! I wouldn't say boo to a goose at school. Some of the things they said have stuck with me, as I said - and I'm pretty sure wouldn't be out of place in a "how not to parent your child" book.

[SlowJinn]

Not me, but my grandmother used to do this to my own mother, Consequently she grew up feeling she was ugly and ungainly with hands like a man. I don't know what my grandmother's problem was, but my mother had no self-confidence in her appearance. Gran used to introduce my mum as the clever one and her sister, my aunt as the pretty one.

Fortunately my mum always told me and my sister that we are beautiful as well as clever, as indeed is she - although she refuses to believe it.

Toxic parents eh?

[RiverTam]

Your mum sounds pretty toxic tbh. I don't know much about this but do you think it might be worth having some counselling to help deal with and let go of those feelings?

And chiquita, you look lovely.

[ayeokthen]

UnderTheGreenwoodTree too big for my own boots reminds me of my mum's "you need taking down a peg or two" while I was already a bag of nerves and had fuck all confidence. It's brutal!

[MozarellaCheese]

chiquita you are gorgeous, and I bet the OP is as well.

My mum doesthis also.

When Iwas a teenager I recall asking my mum if she thought I was pretty. She paused, before saying that no, I was never going to be pretty but I had 'strong' looks. WTF does that mean?

She also has a habit of opening up my wardrobe /looking in the washing basket on the sly to see what clothing size I wear.I have caught her at it.

I have had anorexia, and bulimia my whole life. I am 42. I lay that pretty firmly at her constant disapproval and harping to be honest.

[callycat1]

Mine was the same, even though she died when I was really little. She used to look at me with absolute disgust and it just made me hate myself so much.

[chiquita1]

luzylou:
Thank you for your comments, yes I am turning 40 next december (I inject b12 every few weeks since I have a deficiency and immediately saw a difference with my skin). I am really sorry your mother is as nasty as mine. We should just try to remember that whatever they say is not true, I try to do that all the time but it still hurts....

[MozarellaCheese]

Oh, and I also recall very well when I a about 17 someone took a home video of me playing with the dog. She just snorted and said; 'Oh for God's sake Cheese. Don't run in public'.

[tinyterrors]

chiquita I'd kill to look like you. No way are you 12 years older than me, I'd have put you a couple years younger than I am. Your h cheated because he's a cheating twatbadger, nothing to do with you or the way you look.

luzylou with a mother like yours it's no wonder you have low self-esteem. I'd put money on her being jealous of how you look. I can't imagine saying my dds look anything other than stunning, because to me they'll always be the most beautiful girls in the world.

As for the way she reacted at your play it's unbelievable. I may not go in for a bear hug if my dcs are covered in cream but I'd be so proud of them I wouldn't care about their clothes.

If I were you I'd seriously be distancing myself. I know she's your mother but you really don't need toxic people like that in your life.

[travailtotravel]

I think it's time to draw back from your mother, OP. I have with mine and it has made a huge difference not to have the anticipation of, or the actual, judgements, rude comments and negativity.

Look after yourself

[Tronkmanton]

OP you are not alone- my Mum is the same. And it sounds like many other mothers too! My lovely MIL always says "your mother gives a compliment but by the end of the sentence she will have taken it away". I have long ago given up telling her anything about my life- as I know she'll pour scorn on it. Whether it's jealousy, lack of confidence, the way she was brought up- I'll never know and I'm past caring. I've minimised contact with her and she's destroyed her relationship with her DGC as she speaks to them like she does to me. For example- my beautiful clear skinned 12 year old DD tried on a fur headband, my mother says "well you'd look a lot better if you wore some makeup"! My DD was mortified and took it off, on the verge of tears. 'Why does Grandma say these things Mummy?' She said later - God alone knows.

OP ignore, smile and minimise contact.

[chiquita1]

mozarella:
Mine when I see her (twice a year for around a month each time) she does exactly the same to me. She always tells me how fat and flabby, etc. and always told me I was fat when I was a child. The funny thing is that she still thinks she can do it even though I am a grownup but I think in their twisted minds they still see us as 'children'.

[SafariOrigami]

OP you have my sympathy, my mum can be VERY like this and it really hurts.

[Jaxhog]

And I thought mine was bad! She does the 'have you put on weight?' thing shaking her head with a sad look. Every. Time.

I agree, Chiquita1 looks fab.

[Jaxhog]

And I thought mine was bad! She does the 'have you put on weight?' thing shaking her head with a sad look. Every. Time.

I agree, Chiquita1 looks fab.

[BennyTheBall]

So sad to read about these horrible mums.

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

YY, Aye - if anything I needed building up, not knocking down. Perhaps they think they're doing us a favour preparing us for the big bad world? Although I can't imagine why they think a lack of self confidence would help us there.

[chiquita1]

Nina:
Your post made me cry, it reminded me of my childhood. If they only knew the damage they have done.
I have to say that our fathers are to blame too, mine never did anything to stop her or lifted a finger to defend me or my sister.