Showing my mum photos and suddenly realised why I'm so low in confidence

[Luzylou]

My mum came yesterday and I started showing her holiday pics of our trip to New York. One particular photo was a selfie I took in Central Park, laying on the grass with the bright sun on my face. Now I know I'm no oil painting and due to my lack of confidence I don't take many selfies and if I do, I tend not to show anyone them. Anyway this particular pic I was quite proud of as I thought I looked pretty fresh faced for a change and it showed the tranquility of the park so I included it in the holiday pics. Anyway her immediate reaction was to squeal "oh yikes! That's awful! Haha was that after a night out by any chance?? You look half asleep! Hehe no sorry Lou, I don't like that one!". I awkwardly laughed it off but I was hurt actually as I thought it was a decent picture. Other people that have seen it liked it so the reaction shocked me and put me on a downer.

This isn't the first example of this though, she did it recently when I showed her a photo of me at work in uniform. I thought it was a decent picture yet her first reaction was "oh Lou! What an awful picture! You look really old!! Were you stressed that day by any chance?? Haha"

She's done it loads and used to do it when I was a kid as well. I once experimented with a new hairstyle as a teen and when I went to show her she burst out laughing and said "what on earth have you done to your hair! Looks like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards!".
My confidence has always been shit (no surprises there eh!) so examples like this just mortify me and make me not bother incase I get laughed at or in case people don't like it.

Aibu to be hurt about the holiday pic? She didn't need to say it was amazing but if she didn't like it, why say anything?? I'd never dream of ripping someone's pic to bits like that, even if I did think they looked rough!

[ayeokthen]

chiquita1 you look lovely in your pics, very pretty.

[TroysMammy]

Chiquita, you look fabulous. Your mother is just plain nasty.

[IJustAteTheKidsFoodAgain]

Chiquita, you are beautiful, and even if you weren't as stunning as you clearly are, suggesting that looks are all a woman has and the reason men cheat is just as awful. I'm so sorry for all of you with mums who batter their self esteem, my mum does it to a far lesser extent but it doesn't take much with society being as beauty obsessed as it is.

[SofiaAmes]

Luzylou, I am so sorry your mum is like this. And chiquita1 YOU LOOK GORGEOUS in those photos. You are not going to change your mums. Just make sure you never do this to your own children. My mother did this a little to me, though not as badly as you are describing. I have always made it a point to tell my daughter how amazing she is in all respects. It worked so well that by the time she was 7 or 8 she would say things like "When I look in the mirror, I see fabulous!" (It doesn't hurt that she turned out super smart and drop dead gorgeous.)

[Janey50]

My mum told me I 'looked like a man in drag' in a holiday photo I showed her. Ok,so it wasn't my best effort but really?! Have never really forgiven her for it.

[RandomMess]

Chiquita your Mum was an utter bitch!

Not fat or flabby and your skin is amazing - are you in your 20s?

[AdoraBell]

Chiquita that's a lovely photo and you look beautiful.

I have an older sister who used to be nasty about my appearance. I went NC and she can't work out why. I don't feel the need to enlighten her.

It's nothing to do with how we look, it's about them and their issues.

[chiquita1]

Thank you VERY MUCH to all for your compliments. I totally understand you OP but the thing that hurt me the most was the comment about my husband, like it is my fault that he is a cheating asshole. I know there is no logic because our mothers should love us and not get out of our way to hurt us. Even though I am 40 and try to think rationally it still hurts....

[chiquita1]

"their way"

[ayeokthen]

chiquita1 my mum told me my XH cheated because he wasn't getting it at home! Funnily enough after being battered up and down the place I didn't feel much like shagging. Absolutely gutted me, it hurt more than everything he did to me when she said that. I'm sorry your husband is a dick.

[blinkowl]

chiquita1 you look absolutely gorgeous! I do hope you know that!

Why would someone say something like that to their DD, the mind boggles

[AdaLovelacesCat]

Chiquita you look lovely xx

[ShouldHaveBeenJess]

Jesus. Chiquita, you're gorgeous and anyone who says otherwise is insane! I can't believe these mothers; what on earth do they get out of trying to damage their daughters' self esteem? They must be incredibly unhappy.

[PoppyBirdOnAWire]

Chiquita, you look lovely and very chic. Love your hair.


Your mother must be jealous of you and your life. I can come to no other conclusion. How sad is that.

[PoppyBirdOnAWire]

You look waaaay younger than 40, btw.

[Luzylou]

You're 40 chiquita1?? I was going to guess late 20s but didn't dare in case you were younger! The comment about your husband was unforgivable.
I recently got married and DH got emotional during his vows. My mum said "yes well he was probably thinking about his first wife and that's why he got upset". Yeah cheers for that image on my wedding day.

[Dinosaursgoboo]

My mum is relentlessly negative too. I now know she loves me and she's great in other ways but she says negative things about absolutely everything. Eg I was given a fab new buggy recently and I was showing her and she said that she supposed it would 'do' for a little while. It's often dressed up as a 'joke'. The thing is I now get cross about her negativity rather than question my self/self worth. I have trained myself not to seek her approval because I know it just isn't going to come. It's much better this way!

[Dinosaursgoboo]

Ps you look amazing to me!

[MrsHathaway]

Chiquita looks fabulous in a "ooh what lovely features and I wish my hair did that and WHERE does she buy her dresses?" way.

I bet if OP shared her NYC pictures we'd have a similar reaction.

I realised a couple of years ago that parents criticise most in their children those features/failings they dislike most about themselves. So a mother who criticises her daughter's weight is really just projecting her own body insecurities; a mother who criticises her daughter's career is just projecting her own uncertainty about her professional choices. It takes a lot of the sting out of a comment when you realise she thinks she's looking in a mirror rather than at an independent human being.

I haven't seen my mother for thirteen months. I have spoken to her about three times in that period (last six months ago). I recommend this course of action at least in the short term.

[BlasianFashionista]

YANBU as a mother she shouldn't be making those comments, I bet you look lovely don't listen to her.

chiquita1 You look lovely

[AdaLovelacesCat]

my mother never told me anything about how I looked other than 'you look lovely darling' even if my hair was gelled into spikes and my nose was freshly pierced...
I realise now I was really lucky.

[YeOldMa]

My Mum is the same, she opens her mouth and out it comes. She just can't help herself. She once said that it was a pity I couldn't walk into a room backwards as I looked quite slim from behind. She walked up to my cousin when I was talking to her and told me, in a big loud voice, that I could be as gorgeous as her if I just took care of myself. When I was younger she would always ask what on earth was I wearing and then turn to my sister and say, "You could wear a dustbin liner and look like a clothes horse."
She now tells me off for not having any self-confidence. I've learned to ignore it for the most part but it still hurts a tad.

[abbsismyhero]

Mine told me I had the looks to Marr a rich man so I should she never wanted me to do well with my exams went out of the way to sabotage them stopped me learning to drive because she couldn't afford it (turns out my dad was paying for it not her) so its not just looks they go after

[ShouldHaveBeenJess]

luzy re: the wedding comment. That is just bloody unbelievable. You need to distance yourself from her, and possibly consider counselling to build your self esteem. She is just spiteful.

[saoirse31]

Have similar experiences. I think its jealousy, in my case anyway. Can't imagine not being delighted for my child's success or being jealous of them. Reduce contact, nod and smile. It does hurt tho as its ur mother but some people aren't cut out to be parents.