Showing my mum photos and suddenly realised why I'm so low in confidence

[Luzylou]

My mum came yesterday and I started showing her holiday pics of our trip to New York. One particular photo was a selfie I took in Central Park, laying on the grass with the bright sun on my face. Now I know I'm no oil painting and due to my lack of confidence I don't take many selfies and if I do, I tend not to show anyone them. Anyway this particular pic I was quite proud of as I thought I looked pretty fresh faced for a change and it showed the tranquility of the park so I included it in the holiday pics. Anyway her immediate reaction was to squeal "oh yikes! That's awful! Haha was that after a night out by any chance?? You look half asleep! Hehe no sorry Lou, I don't like that one!". I awkwardly laughed it off but I was hurt actually as I thought it was a decent picture. Other people that have seen it liked it so the reaction shocked me and put me on a downer.

This isn't the first example of this though, she did it recently when I showed her a photo of me at work in uniform. I thought it was a decent picture yet her first reaction was "oh Lou! What an awful picture! You look really old!! Were you stressed that day by any chance?? Haha"

She's done it loads and used to do it when I was a kid as well. I once experimented with a new hairstyle as a teen and when I went to show her she burst out laughing and said "what on earth have you done to your hair! Looks like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards!".
My confidence has always been shit (no surprises there eh!) so examples like this just mortify me and make me not bother incase I get laughed at or in case people don't like it.

Aibu to be hurt about the holiday pic? She didn't need to say it was amazing but if she didn't like it, why say anything?? I'd never dream of ripping someone's pic to bits like that, even if I did think they looked rough!

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

I'm really sorry your mum is like this. Mine is too . She sent my Y10 school photo back saying I looked weird, after she and my brother had had a good laugh at my neck (a tendon was sticking out oddly, of all things). Countless other things.

Our mums are supposed to tell us we are beautiful aren't they?

[tinyterrors]

Wow that wedding comment is unbelievable. I'd find it very difficult to speak to anyone who said that to me. I know she's your mum but I'd be seriously thinking about going very low contact.

Try to remember it's not about you, it's about her. Your mum doesn't like anyone to be happy so has to ruin it. You deserve so much better than that.

I never realised how lucky I was to have my mum. I've always been overweight and hated how I look but my mum never once said I looked anything other than lovely.

[CrazyNameCrazyGuy]

Some women simply shouldn't have daughters as they cannot stand seeing a younger, more attractive version of themselves and this sort of thing is the result.

I knew a mother like this once; she never had a good word to say about her (very attractive) daughter. You could hear the bitterness in everything she said about her - clearly resenting her lost youth.

chiquita you are bloody gorgeous!

[ocelot41]

OP, if you want to stay in contact (and you don't have to) there is a good visualisation trick that can help. Before you see or ring hypercritical parent imagine putting yourself in the most tightly sealed or guarded building possible. I found the Starship Enterprise pretty effective. Then wheb they start up again keep visualising those tightly shut doors/drawbridge or whatever. Initially you will still feel the hurt/stress, but as you practice, the comments will start to smart less, and eventually they will just 'ping' off you.

[shillwheeler]

YANBU. However, do yourself a massive favour and stop showing your mother pictures - indeed I would minimise contact until you feel more robust. It does sound like she is having a quite toxic effect on you, and crushing your confidence. It is natural to want approval, although you really don't need it. But, for, whatever reason, she seems to be withholding. Try and surround yourself with positive people and experiences. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

[ayeokthen]

UnderTheGreenwoodTree it's ironic really, she now tells me I need counselling for my lack of self confidence and extreme anxiety!!!!

[chiquita1]

ayeokthen:
Mine tells me the same, since the fact that my life is falling apart is OBVIOUSLY MY FAULT and should get some counselling.

[ShouldHaveBeenJess]

ocelot. I like that! I might use it when I have to see/speak to ex!

[AbernathysFringe]

My grandmother was like this - come in with a new haircut, 'oh, you looked better before' or just to laugh. Same with any life plans or ideas or anything. None of her children were confident. My mum criticises herself all the time and even though she didn't do it to me, I still picked up on it. Now I try very hard not to say anything bad about myself in front of DD.
My grandmother's mother was horrible to her and favoured her brother. What was your grandmother like to your mother? Is she unconfident about her own looks
Can you, next time your mum does this, say 'thanks for the compliment, mother!' with obvious sarcasm? She might not know she's doing it, is my point, might just be ingrained. Maybe it's too late to change her but you could draw her attention to what she's doing and it might have an effect.

[Secretservice]

I'm 52 and only just realising the affect my mum's comments have had. From being told about 8 that I was built for comfort not for speed, and on winning the sports day high jump being asked if I was the only competitor! No well done or anything. No wonder I stopped going to team trials etc.
She also used to criticise my singing voice whenever I opened my mouth. Literally covered her ears and screwed her eyes up. I started singing lessons about four years ago and sang with a professional band just recently!

[0SometimesIWonder]

O Lord, my mother was the same....
"Have you seen the size of your bottom ?"
"Mr. Sometimes will leave for another, more attractive, woman if you don't smarten yourself up".
Just a couple of the things she said to me, but she was like this all my grown-up life.

I learned to just ignore her or reply in a manner that showed her I really didn't care what she thought of how I looked.

[Miiow]

What nasty Mums. My Mum is the opposite in that she tells me I look beautiful however crap I look. She is useless to take shopping because she says I look lovely in anything and everything I try on even when I clearly don't.

Anyway the issue isn't whether or not you look good or not but that your mothers are either nasty, extremely stupid or both.

It's hard to say how I would respond but I think I'd make it very clear that it was hurtful and unkind.

[ViolettaValery]

Luzylou and Chiquita it makes me so sad to hear about parenting like this, it's awful, and all about their unresolved issues. I reckon you can both assume that whenever you get the nasty comment, that's actually when you're looking particularly good. It's all about putting you in your place. Horrible.

[StrangeLookingParasite]

For example- my beautiful clear skinned 12 year old DD tried on a fur headband, my mother says "well you'd look a lot better if you wore some makeup"! My DD was mortified and took it off, on the verge of tears.

God, what a fucking bitch!

And I had one too. She could never say anything complimentary, in case we got a big head. NO chance of that.
My mum died in 2014; she was 88, and I was 47. I don't really miss her. I suppose I should be ashamed of that.

[HeirOfNothingInParticular]

I love my mum dearly, but she also does this. One thing that sticks out is back when I was about 18 and wearing a pair of skinny jeans, and my mum said something along the lines that I shouldn't wear them with my thighs!!!! I was probably a size 10 at the time. I spent the next 20+ years thinking that I had massive 'saddle bag' thighs. Going to the gym and their 360 degree mirrors, I realised that in fact I don't, they are pretty slim! I have one DD, and I would never say anything like that to her.

[TheVirginQueen]

Wow. some mothers need to go to spec savers.

I know a woman whose mother hates any photo in which she looks like her father but would say ''oh that's not great of you'' to disguise it. Could it be that OP ?

[TheVirginQueen]

PS, I agree it's about putting daughters in their place.

The picture of chiquita sitting on the wall, she looks amazing, she also looks well pulled together with beautiful hair, easy to wear stylish dress, big sunnies, and she's in sevilla - I definitely think it was a ''don't get notions'' kind of comment.

[user1471461752]

Fat? Flabby? A saggy face? I don't know what she was looking at. You look lovely!

[randomer]

read up on narcissism

[WombOfOnesOwn]

I wonder if some of this is because of the phenomenon of seeing people to some extent as the way they were when we last lived with them. An old boss of mine used to reflect on the fact that whenever his ex wife (they'd been high school sweethearts who parted company amicably and kept in contact every few years) was in town, when he saw her, it was unbelievable to him that she was an old woman now, when he looked at her, she still looked twenty-two -- but then he'd look at the photos, and there she was, unmistakably old. He was an intelligent, even brilliant, man and talked to other very smart people of both sexes who were aged about this, and many reported a similar phenomenon.

Maybe your mother, when she looks at you, still sees the you before you left home -- and only in photographs does she realize that time is marching on. It could be she's being cruel, especially with other behavior to back that up, but there are also non-cruel reasons for this happening that have, I think, something to do with how a good many of us are wired.

[Igotboredofmyotherusername]

One of the first indications I got that I should go no contact with my mother was that I showed her a picture of the first time we were allowed to take DS out of the incubator a few days after he was born. I look exhausted and bedraggled but the happiness absolutely radiates off me and it's gorgeous. People have told me what a wonderful picture it is.

My mother's comment: you could have brushed your hair and there's too much boob on show. As if I was going to give a flying fuck about my hair!

[WhiteDraig]

UnderTheGreenwoodTree it's ironic really, she now tells me I need counselling for my lack of self confidence and extreme anxiety!!!!

Both my parents do this type of thing to me and my DSis then complain neither of us have any confidence .

My big epiphany really came when they were visiting me after pfb birth she walked into the room said it would rain - I was like wtf and it was brilliant sunny weather- apparently me quietly singing to my newborn sounded crap enough to make it rain.

I thought how utterly nasty - then looked back and thought how often they did this - then week later DSis rang saying how she'd suddenly realised the same.

I don't think it think it jealousy in our case - I honestly don't think they hear what they are saying - it was sadly very much how they were raised with a hugh side dose of how dare you aspire. They did encourage the aspiration in us but didn't stop this constant fault finding - they often seem to think they were even being helpful.

[FarAwayHills]

So sad to hear about all the negativity and damage to daughters caused by mothers with issues themselves. Makes me want to hug my DD and tell her what a gorgeous, funny, clever girl she is.

[ocelot41]

It totally works Shouldhavebeen- also had good results with visualising being locked in the Tardis with a cheeky David Tennant (I am sure he wouldn't mind!)