Showing my mum photos and suddenly realised why I'm so low in confidence

[Luzylou]

My mum came yesterday and I started showing her holiday pics of our trip to New York. One particular photo was a selfie I took in Central Park, laying on the grass with the bright sun on my face. Now I know I'm no oil painting and due to my lack of confidence I don't take many selfies and if I do, I tend not to show anyone them. Anyway this particular pic I was quite proud of as I thought I looked pretty fresh faced for a change and it showed the tranquility of the park so I included it in the holiday pics. Anyway her immediate reaction was to squeal "oh yikes! That's awful! Haha was that after a night out by any chance?? You look half asleep! Hehe no sorry Lou, I don't like that one!". I awkwardly laughed it off but I was hurt actually as I thought it was a decent picture. Other people that have seen it liked it so the reaction shocked me and put me on a downer.

This isn't the first example of this though, she did it recently when I showed her a photo of me at work in uniform. I thought it was a decent picture yet her first reaction was "oh Lou! What an awful picture! You look really old!! Were you stressed that day by any chance?? Haha"

She's done it loads and used to do it when I was a kid as well. I once experimented with a new hairstyle as a teen and when I went to show her she burst out laughing and said "what on earth have you done to your hair! Looks like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards!".
My confidence has always been shit (no surprises there eh!) so examples like this just mortify me and make me not bother incase I get laughed at or in case people don't like it.

Aibu to be hurt about the holiday pic? She didn't need to say it was amazing but if she didn't like it, why say anything?? I'd never dream of ripping someone's pic to bits like that, even if I did think they looked rough!

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

Well no. I didn't mean ALL parents of that generation.

[RubbishMantra]

Put on a diet at 8, even though like a pp I was not overweight - tall and lanky in fact.

First time I began experimenting with make-up she told me the neighbour and her had a good laugh at my expense, "Because I looked like a clown."

Wedding pictures, "Oh aren't the flowers pretty, isn't your friend pretty!" Couldn't bring herself to compliment me.

When I used to email photos of me, she'd delete or photoshop the pictures to make me look slimmer.

However, I went through several years of being addicted to class A drugs, and went down to a size 6, bearing in mind I'm 5' 9". She thought I looked lovely - I was skeletal. When I went into recovery, and reached a healthy size 12, hitting the gym every day. Instead of telling me she was happy I was still alive, she told me I looked better before, when I was in addiction.

I'm so sorry that others have had to endure the same shit. OP - if you're anything like me, I am super critical of any photographs, to the point I avoid having my photo taken. So if you recognised you looked good in the photograph, you did.

And Chiquita, you are beautiful.

To everyone on this thread with toxic parents, and to you parents who make their child feel awesome and beautiful.

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

I don't think this thread is to do a with unpleasant comments about appearance per se, more about parents with narcissistic traits and inability to be warm and loving and emotionally supportive.

[FeralBeryl]

Good Lord Fish I'm so sorry you (and OP, Chiquita and others) have been subjected to this.

Mine was only ever obsessed with my weight - still is. She was a weighty child and her own mother obsessed about it, it's been passed straight down from there.
I was 18 before I realised I could buy clothes in a 'normal' high street shop and not from her catalogue or clothes she bought for me that made me look like Mama Cass despite not being particularly big
It was a revelation.

My MIL is the same with DH and I am fiercely determined that neither of them even MENTION my children's weights / body shapes.
They have tried.
They won't again.

[SusieCoo]

My mum had a tough childhood herself and was obese until her late teens. Her parents didn't handle it well and my grandad was fond of calling her a "fat bitch". Needless to say she had a fairly skewed approach to handling parenthood herself and she was not a warm or nurturing person. She never showed any affection or made me feel in any way worthy. She was very good at the casual put downs and comments about my weight and appearance. My dad was similarly careless of my feelings but he was genuinely surprised I was upset when he told me I was an "ugly sister". There were so many of these comments that I wholeheartedly believed and still do. I am the complete opposite with my daughter and interestingly I challenged my mum the time she started the same on my DD (although I've never been able to stand up for myself). She was utterly puzzled but hasn't done it again.
Having strived to win approval all my life, alongside a real lack of confidence, I have found life difficult and my weight is a constant battle. I've had a lot of therapy which has helped immensely but this thread has validated my feelings in a different way. The problem with feeling worthless is that it leaves you feeling like your opinions are also worthless. I thought I was in the wrong for believing my parents but it has really helped to hear other people who have had the same issues have felt the same. My counsellor always says that making things different for my DC is an amazing thing and it sounds like we can all take comfort from that

[Loafingaround]

Wanted to just add I've recently had a baby girl. Am determined- more so than ever after radi this thread- to bring her up to be confident, happy, free to live as she wants (without hurting anyone!) and to feel loved, brilliant and beautiful- while not over emphasizing the importance of looks in either way positively or negatively. OP + other lovely ladies in this thread- rise above and shrug off comments from your mums, who very sadly are clearly very jealous of your youth and beauty and have become snide, bitchy and jealous in their old age- how very sad.

[Loafingaround]

#radi= reading...

[KirstyLaura]

Your Mum definitely has her own issues. Selfish and maybe jealous of your youth? Self centered about her own appearance? I hope you can learn to love yourself and ignore her. I've learnt that blood means diddly squat, those who SHOULD love us and build us up often are the ones who knock us down. Try to not to give your Mum's opinion any value.

[parry45]

Very well said loafingaround! Just have 2 girls 4 and 5 qnd I love them to pieces. This does sometimes upset me as I find it hard to understand just why mum mum has always treated me how she did/does. Your children are precious and from the bottom of my heart, the way that they are raised and treated by thier mums is such an important role in who they become and how they see and feel about themselves. We believe that our mother's are truthful and loving and we grow up looking up to them and believing what they say. Unfortunately my mother didn't but I am so happy and grateful that I can make my 2 precious daughters the confident and beautiful girls that they are. Some mums are jealous and bitchy and hurtful but we can rise above them and be the best mums that we can be.

[BibiBlocksberg]

Read this thread at 3am when the cats woke me & couldn't get back to sleep.

Have been thinking of all of the stories on & off all day.

OP, my very first thought to your post was that you must look utterly gorgeous in your New York selfie, happy, relaxed & with a real glow about you.

Which is why (imo) your (not so) DM couldn't bring herself to say anything good about it.

Same goes to Chiquita's photos - utterly lovely, again, relaxed, glowing, stylish, happy - & therefore (sadly) a trigger for jealousy for your mother.

Imagine if we on this thread started beaming at the put downs & saying 'thanks, what a lovely compliment' in recognition of the attempted manipulation - picture the face :) :)

Thanks for starting this thread OP, I had three mothers growing up & none took to me as a child or adult - (1 by birth & 2 by being fostered)

While birth mother was very manipulative, utterly cruel & physically abusive i've struggled most with foster mother no 3's snide comments, put-downs & invalidations.

Being put on a diet at age 9 (with a history of being starved nearly to death in my previous families) constantly told i was 'fat' by DM & two sisters and constantly having to hear about other girls (from my class to my sports club to my 'perfect' cousin) really really hurt.

Every illness i ever had was 'made up' for attention seeking purposes according to 'DFosterM' until the doctor would force her to put me to bed.

Even being bullied at school was my fault for being a 'weirdo' who preferred to keep to herself & read at break times.

Felt guilty for not being physically more like 'DM' & sisters (fully grown adults by the time i was taken in) & remember frequently wanting to shout 'you know i'm not from your genetic stock don't you?, I will never be tall, slender, small bottomed & easily tanned' because i'm short, sturdy & blessed with skin in the colour of a ghost complete with freckles.

Went no contact at 18 after moving abroad to be an Au-Pair for a year.

Made a call home one night & unusually for me, shared that i was finding it tough & missing home & friends after 6 months alone abroad. Only to be brusquely told 'we paid a lot of money to send you there, you're staying for a full year'

Errrm....yes...i'm aware of that & have no plans of coming home, bit of kindness & empathy was all i was looking for.....

Anyway, this is turning in to quite the rant, could go on for a year with more stories & examples as I expect any of us on this thread could.

Thanks for sharing your stories, the real life examples are really helping me to see where my self confidence was utterly squashed & starting to realise am probably nowhere near as bad/ugly/incompetent as i've been led to believe.

[parry45]

Hope your feeling better now op :)

[passremarkable]

So horrible to hear the negativity. I know the familial weight obsession so many describe.

I hope you're feeling more confided after the chat on here OP.

I'll bet you look beautiful

[iMogster]

My Mum's mum was like this to my mum. She would slap her arse and laugh saying it wobbled. She would pinch her fat and make constant put downs about her hair, teeth, clothes. My mum ranged from size 12 -14, so not fat at all. Her mum held her back in life, not letting her go to college, not letting her go out and see friends. She looked down on my Dad as he came from working class back ground and mentioned it all the time. When I became a teenager, she started on me. She was very controlling and manipulative. I only saw her once a week, but I would be stressed in the days leading up to it, then take days to recover. When she entered the room, I felt heavy like a negative energy was holding me down, it's hard to explain. I tried the talking back at her, but she had a way of draining my energy, like I couldn't fight back.
After she died my lovely mum changed, she was free and happier, we all were. I wish we had freed ourselves decades earlier. Life is too short to put up with Toxic people.
My mum has only ever complimented me and shown complete love, she loves me unconditionally and how I look is irrelevant. This is how it should be. I am lucky. I am showing the same unconditional love to my DCs.

[liz70]

"I don't think this thread is to do a with unpleasant comments about appearance per se, more about parents with narcissistic traits and inability to be warm and loving and emotionally supportive."

And I'll maintain that no warm, loving, emotionally supportive parent would ever dream of making snipey, bitchy, unpleasant comments about their child's appearance. In my mind they are inextricably connected.

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

Of course. I agree with you. It just seems to be one way in which a narcissistic parent can demonstrate their unpleasantness and insecurity amongst a host of others.

I only wish I could have my own children to try and put right what my mother did and prove that I wouldn't be the same as her, but I can't. I just have to be the nicest aunt I can to my adored nephews and nieces instead.

[GarlicMist]

Bibi!!!! :) :) How lovely to hear from you.

And how pleased I am that you know your mum(s) and sisters were wrong about you. You deserved better and you are better, by far.

[BibiBlocksberg]

:) Thanks Garlic, i see you are 'misterious girl' these days.

Watch your back for the orange 'father of the century' Mr Andre won't you :) :)

I don't post much these days, too terrified a thread of mine will really take off one day & end up plastered all over FB or the Daily Fail.

Enough of my paranoia, this thread has struck a serious chord in Bibi Land and is helping to recover some long lost self esteem on a daily basis.

Someone (sorry, on phone & too lazy to scroll) posted about the effects these 'motherly' running comments & barbs have, in terms of preparing us to put up with bullying & abuse as an adult & a big lightbulb went on in my head.

Helped me to cope with current horrible work place situation even today where normally i'd have started to mercilessly whip myself for 'deserving' the current treatment because i'm just so (insert endless choice of personal insults here) but thought of this thread & was able to say 'no, fuck it, i'm not that bad, it's just my conditioning'

So, heartfelt thanks again to the OP & all who have & are still sharing their stories!

[GarlicMist]

Oh, yes ... All that character-building toughness, humour-honing deprecation and ensuring I didn't get too big for my boots certainly did prepare me for life. That was a life in which I chose wankers for partners & best friends, because I was so good at putting myself last and so used to being put in my place. I stuck around to be bullied and abused at work, too.

Kill them, Bibi Or it might be safer just to show 'em you're aware of your real worth and won't be standing for that shit.

[YelloDraw]

"Is it a symptom of their generation, women born in the 40s and early 50s?"

My mum was born in the 50s and was told by her mum she was the plain one and wasn't allowed to wear pretty dresses and have her hair done fancy and stuff because she was plain!

She is bloody beautiful - as a small child, teenager and now even at 70+ I look at photos of her as a small child and think "how on earth could you call her plain".

She told me that she never wanted her children to grown up feeling like that so has always told us we are beautiful, and look nice in clothes etc

[BibiBlocksberg]

Add message | Report | Message poster GarlicMist Wed 28-Sep-16 20:33:47

" That was a life in which I chose wankers for partners & best friends, because I was so good at putting myself last and so used to being put in my place. I stuck around to be bullied and abused at work, too"

^ yes to that, with knobs on!

Funny how seeing the 'barbs' in print can bring such clarity to stuff that was previously filed under 'yes it happened, BUT i probably remember wrong etc'

'Kill them' - lol! Look out for a shocking newsarticle with a title along the lines of 'woman emboldened by on-line forum slays office full of aged sexist dinosaurs with deadly sharp corners on finance report' :)

[GarlicMist]

It sounds like the perfect weapon!

[CodyKing]

Wow! This makes truly depressing reading

I've just flicked through some picture of DD and I see 'her' funny bright talented - and this makes her beautiful -

Her face lit up in happiness - she would never appear to be anything else to me - ever

I think you need to start calling your mums out on their attitude!

Repeat what they say back to them - 'I'm fat?' And let them explain further -

[MarvinGorilla]

I can relate to everything said here. My mum never said anything to me directly about my appearance but instead was neglectful of me and allowed her dp to abuse me.

My mum once went up to a size 14 and told me that she felt utterlyashamed. She is a size 6 in her late fifties. She spends ages on her appearance and looks like something out of a fashion magazine, as does her house. I live in jeans and converse and hate the feel of makeup, God knows what she must think.

[DanGleballs]

I feel your pain. My mum is the same.

Apparently when my hair was highlighted I looked like a slapper.

When I got a new job she said it was good news because then I could wear decent clothes again but I shouldn't be a bitch at work???

I have explained that my counsellor says that making myself less attractive is something I subconsciously do when I'm in a bad place. This is a result of abuse suffered in early childhood. So really if I turn up without make up in baggy clothing I actually need more support from her. She doesn't listen though. In fact my counselling has made me realise that my family have damaged me as much as the abuse has

[SeaEagleFeather]

Do you think they are COMMON or whether threads like this just send out a klaxon, Sporner-style, and we find ourselves converging? Is it a symptom of their generation, women born in the 40s and early 50s? Are we harder on our mums who should be the "soft, nurturing, loving" ones rather than our dads?

I think that actually, it's a myth that mums are always loving. Some people aren't nice, and those people go on to have kids. Those kids don't have nice parents (to repeat what someone posted on here a while ago).

We just want loving and caring parents, because we love and care for them as children. But it's not always two way. We want it to be very badly though.

Plus it's a more emotionally intelligent age now and 50 years ago parents just muddled along. Plus men were (still are) top dog and so much was geared to being attractive for them. Plus women were always second best, and the buried anger from that came out down the generations. Some women were genuinely completely ground down, but others became bitches.

it was shit.

Now we can choose to break the pattern. But to hell with the women who really could have done better as mothers and chose not to.