Showing my mum photos and suddenly realised why I'm so low in confidence

[Luzylou]

My mum came yesterday and I started showing her holiday pics of our trip to New York. One particular photo was a selfie I took in Central Park, laying on the grass with the bright sun on my face. Now I know I'm no oil painting and due to my lack of confidence I don't take many selfies and if I do, I tend not to show anyone them. Anyway this particular pic I was quite proud of as I thought I looked pretty fresh faced for a change and it showed the tranquility of the park so I included it in the holiday pics. Anyway her immediate reaction was to squeal "oh yikes! That's awful! Haha was that after a night out by any chance?? You look half asleep! Hehe no sorry Lou, I don't like that one!". I awkwardly laughed it off but I was hurt actually as I thought it was a decent picture. Other people that have seen it liked it so the reaction shocked me and put me on a downer.

This isn't the first example of this though, she did it recently when I showed her a photo of me at work in uniform. I thought it was a decent picture yet her first reaction was "oh Lou! What an awful picture! You look really old!! Were you stressed that day by any chance?? Haha"

She's done it loads and used to do it when I was a kid as well. I once experimented with a new hairstyle as a teen and when I went to show her she burst out laughing and said "what on earth have you done to your hair! Looks like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards!".
My confidence has always been shit (no surprises there eh!) so examples like this just mortify me and make me not bother incase I get laughed at or in case people don't like it.

Aibu to be hurt about the holiday pic? She didn't need to say it was amazing but if she didn't like it, why say anything?? I'd never dream of ripping someone's pic to bits like that, even if I did think they looked rough!

[JayDot500]

My mum is like this. I don't think she sets out to hurt me but she always manages to say something that chips away at my confidence, especially if I put on a bit of weight. I've concluded that she has her own confidence issues.

Just accept that she's like that, ignore her comments, keep taking pics, live life beyond your mother! (I love NYC!)

[liz70]

Jesus wept, just how many toxic, narcissistic, fucked up mothers are there out there? Mothers are supposed to nurture, encourage and cherish their children, tell them that they're lovely, beautiful, handsome, clever, talented, whatever, simply because they're our children. Not drag them down and shit all over them. I can only think that they must have had very unhappy childhoods themselves, to end up with such woeful lack of mothering skills.

[DeadGood]

God, these stories are awful. So depressing that there are so many awful parents out there.

[wildcoffeeandbeans]

Your mom sounds really jealous, tbh. I can't imagine saying that to someone, much less my own daughter!

[dodobookends]

It happened years ago and DM has passed away now, but I still remember when I took my O'Level exam results home. I was so pleased with them, and her response was "They're only O'Levels... Ordinary levels - nothing to make a fuss about. Everybody should be able to pass those easily".
I was really hurt, especially since all my friends' parents were saying congratulations to them, and promising presents, driving lessons etc if they got good marks. I didn't even get a "Well done".

[SueTrinder]

Mum was never negative about my appearance and I have a fairly healthy attitude to that but she is still very critical about everything else (personality, marriage, career, taste). She recently told me that I was a difficult to get on with child (and said DD2 was the same which I was furious about, DD2 is an absolute sweetheart who everyone else adores. But who thinks their own child is difficult to get on with, and I was a bookish child, how is that difficult to get on with?). She basically always assumes the worst of me and tells me off for imagined slights etc the whole time. Funnily enough I live a long way away but when we do go to visit it's hell. DH is brilliant though and very supportive of me (his Mum is lovely), as a result Mum usually ignores him when we visit. It's ridiculous isn't it. She just called tonight and complained I haven't called her recently. I wonder why?

[EttaJ]

I'm familiar with this behavior. Even now mid forties. I might say I cooked something nice or made a nice cake, she won't say anything positive but she'll say oh but remember when you couldn't cook and made that terrible meal/ burnt that cake etc. Appearance wise, if I have my hair dark then she liked it before and if I go darker she'll say she prefers it ighter. When I put on a bit of weight she said I needed to lose it, when I successfully lost it and kept it off, she'd say I'm too thin. She used to attempt it with our DC but I've stopped her in her tracks. I'm sorry to everyone who have mothers like this. Remember as hard as it is, they're the ones with the problem.

[SimonLeBonOnAndOn]

My mum the same
When I was about 10, I asked her if I was pretty, she told me I wasn't and listed all my friends who were.
I recently showed her some photos of a weekend away with some of my friends.
She pointed out how much taller I am than them all, and then went into raptures about how lovely and stunning my one friend is ( who happens to look a little like my mum did)

She loves to tell me how confident I am because of her.
I am, but it's in spite of her, I am resilient and self dependant. But occasionally have melt downs.

[SimonLeBonOnAndOn]

Extra, she does the hair thing too.
If I cut it she prefers it long.
If I have it long ' it drags my face down'

If I smile my chin sticks out.
If I don't smile, I look offish.

No one would know any of this, though.
Everyone thinks we have the best relationship.

Deep down I pity her.

[JayDot500]

Simon that's just cold!

[MissKatieVictoria]

The last few years of my mums life i don't look upon fondly. i have severe OCD and new years either 2008 or 2009 she came home drunk by herself from a family party i didn't go to, without my dad or sister, an told me i ruined her life. 99% of the time she never responded to me saying "i love you" to her, and when i hugged her she wouldn't hug back, unless i pleaded, then i'd get a sigh and a hand half heartedly placed on my shoulder. I really felt like she didn't love me and wished i was never born. She was diagnosed out of the blue with terminal secondary brain cancer in April 2010, and was gone by June 2010. In those last 2 months she changed completely, wanted hugs ll the time, telling me she loved me every chance she got, and it was just so weird for me i couldn't be around her that much despite living with her. That one drunken night will affect the rest of my life. Thankfully i have an amazing relationship with my father, he's my best friend in the world and tells me all th etime he loves me, that im beautiful and how proud he is of even the smallest achievements i make.

[SimonLeBonOnAndOn]

Isn't it?

Sad to see I'm not alone.
I'm the opposite with my children.
Probably over the top in my praise of them

[SimonLeBonOnAndOn]

My mum did have a terrible childhood, and I do sympathise.

[MissKatieVictoria]

She was lovley throughout my childhood and younger teenage years though, it was once i hit 17 and became so severely ill it all changed. My OCD and depression was probably more than she could deal with and she shut me out and was unhappy with her life because i wasn't healthy and independent i guess. It did put a massive drain on her, my dad gave up work to care for me, she was the sole provider, worked so hard and came home to it all. I feel so to blame for her not being happy.

[AverysillyoldHector]

Thank you for the flowers Strange that was lovely. I wonder how many of us went on to be in unhealthy/unhappy/abusive relationships as a result of our mothers' behaviour?

Lou, just to go back to your original message, you are absolutely not being unreasonable to be hurt by her comment, please share some of my

[SimonLeBonOnAndOn]

Yes OP, YANBU and you aren't alone

[BathshuaSpooner]

I'm so sorry, Lou. I have an emotionally abusive mum too. When I break down and cry, she says I can't stand to hear the truth about myself. I am 51.

[TheNoodlesIncident]

My mother is like this too. I used to think I had exaggerated her critical ways in my head, and was a silly child remembering it incorrectly.

As the years went by I realised that I hadn't actually exaggerated at all. She really DIDN'T praise us. She did for our eldest brother, but the rest of us weren't good enough.

Recently she was on a visit and looking at a "Holiday" book my ds had made. Whenever we went somewhere I'd take a photo and then stick the photo in the book, and ds would write something to go in it. He was only 4 and needed writing practice, that was why we did it. Obviously through time his writing got better, more controlled, neater and smaller, and he could write a lot more in about each outing. My mum sat and read her way through the book. Then she put it down on the table, and started talking about all the schoolbooks of her eldest DGS (eldest brother's son, natch) that she had and kept. Not one word about the effort ds had put in, and the improvement he had made to his writing.

I have to be careful not to overcompensate with ds, and gush out any old praise. I try to make it meaningful and honest, but to be fair I would rather offer up a bit of fake praise if I didn't see any merit, than say nothing or something critical.

Fortunately DSis and other DBro (who is much nicer than eldest one) are also aware of all this and we can vent to each other.

Sorry OP, the only thing you can do is ignore her

[PinkyOfPie]

For you OP

Some of us just have fucking toxic mothers! I can very much relate, my mum told me on my wedding day that she didn't like my hair that I looked like it was something I would wear to work. My fucking wedding day

She also perpetually tries to get me into clothes that are too big for me. I am a size 8 on top 10 on bottom (unless I go to H&M where they sell what can only be described as clothes for fairies, then I'm a size 12 on top 14 on bottom) and if she buys me stuff which is always to her taste never mine it's always a size 14. On the few occasions I've been shopping with her she always tells me what I'm trying on is too tight (when it isn't). She does it on purpose because she wants me to be fatter than I am. Probably because she is overweight herself. From as young as I could remember she always bleated on about how she was skinny until she had me, it was my fault she was fat. And I actually believed it and used to feel bad.

She once said it in front of my nan, who pulled a face and said "No Maureen you've always been on the chubby side ever since you were a child, don't blame Pinky!" (My nan later showed me photographic proof!).

The annoying thing is mum still says how hurtful my nan was telling her she was fat when she can't see she's doing the same to me (except I'm not at all big!).

You don't realise how much it knocks your confidence, until you do realise it!

[TheLesserOfTwoWeevils]

As a child/teenager my mum regularly told me she didn't like me. But it was OK because she did love me, because I was her daughter. She just didn't like me.

She would often talk about my weight. How my flat arse meant I would never fill the seat of a pair of jeans and it was a real shame I didn't have the same problem with my hips or tummy. That my "hefty" build meant I would never be considered thin. This coming from a woman who at her heaviest was in size 32 clothes. I've never gone above a size 16.

She used to tell me she put her own problems with her appearance down to my grandmother criticising her hairstyle by saying "don't make yourself look any plainer than you already are". She would then go on to say exactly the same thing to me.

My Dad was as bad. Constantly making me the butt of all his jokes, then criticising me for not having a sense of humour while everyone laughed at me. And calling me an embarrassment when my A level music class put on a recital evening for our parents. I had a bad virus and was struggling to breath properly so I was barely able to play my instrument. My teacher encouraged me to perform as the recital was important exam practise. Before I played she told the parents watching that I was ill and my playing was not up to its usual standard but I wanted to perform and she asked everyone to be supportive. After the recital my classmates' parents were telling me I did a great job and it was admirable of me to perform despite being so badly affected by my illness. I felt really pleased with myself until Mlmy Dad came up to me and simply said "I have never been so embarrassed".

No wonder I'm a total fuck up!

[Happyhippy45]

luzylou
Ignore and disregard all comments. It took me until I was 40 to really be confident with who I am. I assume you are younger. Be proud of who you are. Ignore other toxic people's opinion. Listen to trusted people. My DH will comment on my appearance but not to make me feel shite. He tells me (at times) I look great in my pjs first thing in the morning but tells me if something doesn't look great......being hurtful is not the purpose here.....my mum tells me I look fabulous all the time........which is untrue but very nice to hear. Sounds like this is just her way. She's not being malicious.....this is the way she is.

[TheLesserOfTwoWeevils]

Sorry OP that was really long. Your thread is very therapeutic! Anyway my point is you are not alone, I and many others know precisely where you are coming from

[SimonLeBonOnAndOn]

Yes thank you OP, this thread had been very cathartic.
And proves that Phillip Larkin was so right.

[Janey50]

Chiquita - I love your hair!

[Atenco]

SimonLeBonOnAndOn I feel so to blame for her not being happy

I'm so sorry. I have a friend who died of brain cancer and she used to write very weird and quite unpleasant stuff to me before she was diagnosed. Your mums negative thoughts could well have been influenced by the incipient brain cancer.

As for the rest of the mums described in this thread, whao! Oscar Wilde said "Yet each man kills the thing he loves..." so sad