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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To do my husbands washing?

185 replies

Mrsemcgregor · 21/09/2016 13:57

I was chatting to a friend the other day and she was very surprised that I do my husbands washing. I had never even thought about it, I just bung all the washing in together. She mocked me a bit and said that my husband was a grown man and should do it himself, like I was being completely anti-feminist. Have I missed something here? Am I being a doormat by doing his washing?! It makes no sense to me to separate it out and expect him to do it himself.

OP posts:
user1471552005 · 22/09/2016 12:10

I have never know OH to use the washing machine.
I do everyone's washing it's a job I enjoy, and I have a system.

AllMyBestFriendsAreMetalheads · 22/09/2016 12:13

Every person in this house is responsible for putting their own clothes into the washing basket with pockets emptied.

It's normally me that does the actual putting in to the washing machine because I am the one at home to do the washing but even my 5 year old is capable of putting some clothes in the washing machine.

We don't need to iron much but what does gets done by DH because I am awful at ironing.

I can sort of see her point (about the washing at least) but how far do you take it? Should we only be hoovering up our own mess or dusting only our own dust?

It sounds as if although they may be doing equal amounts of the housework, she's the one putting a lot more thinking time into it all, which doesn't really sound totally equal to me.

TheSparrowhawk · 22/09/2016 12:14

Curry - yes.

MuseumOfCurry · 22/09/2016 12:15

Doesn't that mean that your whites might languish in the basket for quite some time, or are doing less than full loads?

Tobebythesea · 22/09/2016 12:15

I do mine, household stuff and baby stuff. DH washes his own clothes. It's my mini stand off as he doesn't do much else in the house. That's another story!

BeMorePanda · 22/09/2016 12:17

I used to be in the "all in together" camp.

Then I realized that P didn't actually do any washing himself.

And if he did it was only to wash his own stuff.

When I pointed this out and he started to do washing for everyone he somehow managed to destroy something every time. "incompetent man syndrome" ie "you had better do it as I will just fuck it up/destroy your nice easy wear nothing special required clothes".

Then I left him.

now he washes his own clothes & I wash my and DC's clothes.

TheSparrowhawk · 22/09/2016 12:20

Curry - no. Our bed sheets and some of our towels are white so the sheets, towels and the kids' school t-shirts go in together once a week as a full load. I have one white top that goes in when needed, DH has nothing white.

lynniep · 22/09/2016 12:21

I do the washing for everyone. I dry it, then get the kids to help me sort it into piles (I don't iron), then its taken to each persons room and left in a pile on the floor for each person to put away.
I help the 6 year old with this. My 9 year old puts his own away. My DH has a large pile of clothing on the bedroom floor as he is seemingly incapable of using his drawers or wardrobe.
DH does iron his own shirts.
He also cleans the bathrooms and kitchen and he vacuums and empties bins. So whilst he cannot operate the washing machine, tidy his clothes away, nor use the dishwasher because the fairies put the plates in there, he does his bit.

user1471552005 · 22/09/2016 12:24

My OH doesn't do any washing but I have never considered leaving him over over it.

There are 5 of us in the house, it makes sense to have one system.

Some clothes only need a quick refresh, so I do those on a 15 minute cold wash. I do whites and darks separately, some stuff may be stained so I do a hot intensive wash- some are delicate so I do a wool cycle. If everyone did their own washing they may be running cycles that are barely full.
If we group wash then I can sort out types of laundry and make sure that water, electricity and detergent are being efficiently used.

notinagreatplace · 22/09/2016 13:29

Don't you separate your wash by colour?

I don't. Never seen the point - I wash all of my normal clothes on 40, delicates on 30, never had any issues.

user1471552005 · 22/09/2016 13:36

Some in my family wear white shirts/ uniform etc.

Keeping dark colours separate keeps the white crystal white.

I do notice a big difference.

HmmHaa · 22/09/2016 15:56

Feminism is not about who does the washing, it's about who is expected to do the washing.

user1471552005 · 22/09/2016 16:17

My OH "expects" me to do the washing because I have always done it. He would do it himself without complaint, but just as I "expect " him to take out the wheelie bins or clean out the fridge on a Saturday , it's something that he has done for years.
Nothing to do with feminism.

TheSparrowhawk · 22/09/2016 16:18

The references to feminism in this thread are truly bizarre - I wonder how so many women don't seem to understand what it is at all.

ocelot41 · 24/09/2016 17:05

For me, the feminism bit kicks in when I am expected routinely to do way more than 50 per cent of the housework and DH agrees that it is unfair and then changes...nothing.
I also think it is really bad for your relationship to let resentment build up over time. Hence his own hamper. For me and DC we have a colour coded bags - one for darks, one whites, one delicates. When the bag is full that is the equivalent of a wash. They sit on a rack thing - they are really good incidentally, no more laundry sorting!

ABunchOfFuckingPidgeys · 24/09/2016 17:53

I've said similar to a friend in the past, she's cut visits short as she has to rush back to do her dhs work clothes, while he is sat at home watching tvs and relaxing.

Yes she stays at home, she doesn't mind doing everything during the week but would like some help at weekends, which I think is fair. She does everything for her dh and ds, because he'll say it's practical, but things like packed lunches, she has ds to do so does his at same time, except he wants his making fresh on a morning,so she gets up to do it. The practical thing would be for him to make his own and do ds at same time. He won't have it though, his jib is earning money, everything, everything else is hers.

It's funny when she was the breadwinner, everything else was still hers, he'd make out that it's easy looking after him and his ds, unless it's him, then putting a load on is a very big thing that a man shouldn't have to do. She had operation once in which she couldn't walk for a few weeks, her dh was fucked, he didn't know where his fucking clothes were kept, never mind his ds, didn't know what school uniform was, what time school started, how to turn a cooker on, how to sort laundry never mind a machine. Rather than be ashamed that as a fully grown adult he couldn't look after his ds, he rang his mammy, who went and stayed and did everything.

Doing dhs washing in an equal relationship is fine and sensible, but there are some men who think that as they earn the money they don't have to lift a finger in the home, the weekend is for them to relax. I do think those types of men should be able to do washing, not necessarily their own, but the families washing every now and then. I don't think there's an excuse for men like my friends dh to not know how to look after their themselves or their dc should something happen to Mum.

paddypants13 · 24/09/2016 17:56

I like doing laundry so I do all the laundry in the house. Dh would do it without quibble though if I asked him to.

As you say, surely everyone's laundry goes in together.

MsMermaid · 24/09/2016 17:58

Dh does my washing. So I see no problem in one partner doing the others washing. It's one of his jobs at home and i leave him to it. I do my jobs and he doesn't interfere with those either.

As long as things are fairly distributed then it shouldn't be a problem. If you're both working similar hours but you're still left doing all the laundry and housework and childcare and everything else then that would be a big problem.

pointythings · 24/09/2016 18:00

We do all the washing as a collective, because we are a family. Sometimes it's him, sometimes it's me, we are training the DDs. If everyone pulls their weight around the house, does it really matter who does what?

If not everyone pulls their weight then yes, it can become a big issue.

DisneyMillie · 24/09/2016 19:01

Slightly ashamed to say I'm a bit of a 1950s housewife (although normally I work full time too - on maternity at moment). I do all the housework including washing and ironing DPs clothes - works for us

Stevefromstevenage · 24/09/2016 19:10

I completely agree that communal laundry makes most economic sense but it is surprising how few men have ended up on the laundry duties on this thread. It is a completely never ending task in our house. If DH did not pull his weight we would never get through it all.

northernmonkey1010 · 24/09/2016 19:26

Think your friend is a feminazi

Moltenpink · 24/09/2016 19:42

Dh brought his own washing basket when he moved in with me and has had it ever since. The kids both have one in their rooms.

I wash my stuff, he washes his, if there's any room left in the machine we top up with the kid's washing or towels that are lying around.

We have a large washing machine and only do a few loads a week, one washing basket between us all would get way too full!

JellyWitch · 24/09/2016 19:44

Whoever is home puts a load through. I sometimes have to ask him to empty the basket but he will put nappies or bed sheets through unprompted and put it all away when dry. Just like I do. I can't imagine everyone doing theirs separately. That's bonkers.

northernmonkey1010 · 24/09/2016 19:47

I work in the week my wife works weekends if there's washing to be done who ever is at home does it.