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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the practice nurse should think before speaking

192 replies

YoureMyWifeNowDave · 21/09/2016 11:36

I've just taken DS for his 8 week jabs and as I went in the nurse says hello and then asks who I am as I am "obviously not mum"!

Admittedly I am an older mum (I'm 44) and my hair is a little grey as I have started having allergic reactions to hair dyes but she made me feel absolutely ancient Sad

AIBU to think that she was a little out of order here? Luckily I am not suffering from PND but if I had been feeling down I think this would have really upset me it did tbh

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 21/09/2016 13:24

Being sad at 'Obviously not mum' when you are a new mum is perfectly reasonable.

She is obviously not v bright.

Maybe she mean you're dad! 😀

diddl · 21/09/2016 13:24

Oh dear!

You just can't assume anything, can you?

Well, you can, but best not to comment on it.

A friend of mine is older than the GM of his kids!

Jantutor · 21/09/2016 13:25

YoureMyWifeNowDave congratulations on your baby. As for the PN... insensitive comments are more about the speaker than the recipient of the comments. She clearly has preconceived ideals ... so you've broken the mould and GOOD ON YOU I SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had my first and only baby at 42 and understand how insensitive some can be. In my case the Midwife, who hadn't yet met me said;

MIDWIFE: " As a geriatric mom, at your age, I assume you'll be getting a amniocentisis... you do realise what risk your child is under by leaving it so late..."

Me: No thanks, there'll be no amnio, if my child is born disabled they will be loved and adored...Goodbye.

I went through the rest of my very short 25 week pregnancy without a midwife. And though just 800grams my daughter now 8, is a happy healthy, greatly loved little soul. AMEN

Keep your chin up, don't let the b***s get to you!!!

Stillunexpected · 21/09/2016 13:25

At my doctors if they are unsure they turn to the child and ask them who have we bought today? - it'd be some going for an 8 week old to answer that question! OP, it wasn't nice for you to be mistaken for a grandmother but unfortunately, if my SILs experience is anything to go by (gave birth at nearly 46) it isn't the only time someone is going to put their foot in their mouth and make that mistake.

flumpybear · 21/09/2016 13:27

Bet she was mortified!!! I'm 44 too with a four and an eight year old, I worry I'm old looking too but some mums just are older - personally I'd fee rubbish but let it go Wine have some wine Wink

NewPotatoes · 21/09/2016 13:28

It's a weird assumption to make. I would be assuming (and probably saying so in your circumstances) that her practice is in an area where much younger motherhood is the norm. I used to see my midwife at two different practices when I was pregnant at 40 with my son - at one practice in a poor area, the pregnant women averaged about 20 years old and the mothers who came with them were about my age. At the other practice, in a glossy, upmarket area with a lot of professionals, being 40 plus for your first baby was bang on average.

RainyDayBear · 21/09/2016 13:29

Oh dear! She definitely shouldn't have assumed. I must admit there was a mum at a baby group who I ignorantly assumed was grandma until she started breastfeeding Blush Thankfully I hadn't said that I didnt think she wasn't her Mum though!

PaperStars · 21/09/2016 13:30

Ice once was responding to my post about how my dps dad is often referred to as dad rather than grandad. It's not so much his age that is cringeworthy as the thought of my FIL whom I and DP view as a father figure and my ds grandad. To me even though they're unaware he's my FIL it seems weird as you see him as your dad that it's embarrassing they think you could think you're in a relationship. Not sure if I explained that well at all but that's how I feel!

Floggingmolly · 21/09/2016 13:30

On almost any thread lately, you're guaranteed at least one gobshite will come on and bleat about "rights". They can never adequately explain what these rights actually are or how exactly they've been breached, but the advice is always the same - complain; to the highest authority because what happened was against your rights.
Fucking stop it Angry
Oh, and op, it was a bit shit, of course it was Flowers. Not worth any more headspace, though.

Ego147 · 21/09/2016 13:34

Given all the relationship possibilities nowadays, it's best not to assume anything about anyone or any couple - and the children they have with them.

If you need to know the relationship, you can ask. Otherwise it's best not to assume anything.

mollie123 · 21/09/2016 13:35

agree - with the previous poster
she was a bit insensitive and rude - maybe she was having a hard day/week/year and you have no idea what she may have going on in her life
but for those posters wittering on about discrimination, reporting her for making a silly mistake (surprised they are not suggesting getting her sacked or compo) and hurting your feelings. Yes it hurts at the time but no lasting damage and I am sure worse things will happen throughout the course of your life. Hmm

OhTheRoses · 21/09/2016 13:39

It's wrong on two levels. The assumption you weren't your son's mother and,also the rudeness in calling you "mum". Only my children call me "mum" or "mummy".

I usually say something like "I'm x's mother, my name is Mrs Roses". If they don't get the hint I ask them to stop addressing me as mum and to use my name.

IceBeing · 21/09/2016 13:44

I definitely think the answer to feeling insulted when someone thinks you are old, is to stop finding being old a state that is insulting.

If you can't stand that someone thinks you might be 50, then how are you going to cope with actually being 50?

Wouldn't it be nice if people were actually looking forward to being considered older, wiser, more experienced etc?

Then they might feel good about ageing...and at the end of the day ageing is better than the alternative.

SquedgieBeckenheim · 21/09/2016 13:44

No, she shouldn't have assumed, but nobody is perfect and gets it right all the time! I'm sure she's mortified and will be endeavouring to not repeat her mistake.
Sorry she upset you Flowers congratulations on your new baby!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 21/09/2016 13:47

Concerning the elderly, not babies, both I and my elderly mother hated it when nurses etc. referred to her over her head as 'mum'. Why not at least 'your mum' or 'your mother'? Or even her name?

I expect they think it's 'cosy' or 'friendly' but to me it is just plain rude and patronising.
To me, the only time you use 'mum' alone is to your own mother.

Otherwise at the very least it's YOUR mum.

puch · 21/09/2016 13:48

I had this as well . The nurse said are you mum, grandma or what! I was 45 as well so was a bit upset as well. I think everyone thinks you should have children early !

Bolognaise · 21/09/2016 13:49

I get a bit patronised by the "DS mum" thing. I think I would have liked to respond (though certain I wouldn't actually be sharp enough in the moment) with "and your obviously not the health visitor if you don't think I could possibly be mum"

I'd understand if you were a man but if your female... There's biologically always a possibility and it's a little scary a healthcare worker hasn't figured that out!

Even people who've gone through menopause can carry children these days - wonderful stuff science nowadays.

Anyways sorry to ramble - hope your over her

OhTheRoses · 21/09/2016 13:51

I quite agree gettinglikemymother. It subordinates and I correct.

OhTheRoses · 21/09/2016 13:53

Are you mum? No, I have the full power of speech thank you, but you may call me Mrs Roses Smile. On day I shall.

Giratina · 21/09/2016 13:55

YANBU to have been a bit stung by that OP, "obviously not mum" is a really daft comment to make and hopefully she will have learned to engage her brain before opening her mouth in future. Look at that Italian woman who's just had a baby in her early 60s without fertility treatment, 44 is not an unusual age to be a new mum at all.

Headofthehive55 · 21/09/2016 13:57

IT doesn't bother me at all. It's difficult to guess ages. Often when I am out with my oldest Dd and youngest DS people think I'm gran and she is his mum. Doesn't help as they look very very alike and she is old enough...

People do make assumptions, all the time. That couple arm in arm? Well he's a neighbour and she's just having trouble right now walking a long way. Really easily done.

Findmuckery · 21/09/2016 13:57

This reminds me of when I was working in a paediatric clinic, a HCP colleague of mine asked someone if they were the grandmother of the child. Much to everyone's embarrassment it was actually the child's father ( who had shoulder length wavy hair and was wearing a pastel shade jumper).
Once you've made a mistake like that you never do it again.

VioletBam · 21/09/2016 13:59

My admittedly elderly neighbour asked me "Are you pregnant?" in a blunt fashion the other day as we chatted on my drive.

I'm 44 and bloated! Not pregnant.

I wasn't even embarrassed though. I've reached the point where I'm like...oh..there's another hair on my chin...meh...who gives a shit!? Or "Oh my arse looks enormous in these jeans...ah who cares!"

So I said "No I'm bloated. I get like that before my period's due"

I think the period reference embarrassed her more than her own rudeness! Grin She's about 80 so I wasn't really bothered. She's nice normally....I think she just genuinely thought I was up the duff...at my age! Really.

DixieWishbone · 21/09/2016 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoppyBirdOnAWire · 21/09/2016 14:13

I don't think nurses are terribly smart. They open their mouths and insult people regulate as a result.

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