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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed MIL bought us a TV

212 replies

EverythingisShiny · 21/09/2016 10:46

So back story, our TV broke about 2 weeks ago, the cost to fix it will be too pointless so we decided to buy a new one, an excuse to have a little upgrade. The one that is broken is a Samsung full HD LED 32".

My OH contacted his mum to ask to borrow some money for a new one, which we will pay back when over time pay comes in. He told her which one we want, basically a Samsung full HD LED 42". Want to get it from John Lewis as the price is good and comes with a 5 year guarantee. Which is all fine. She agreed, and said she would phone us on monday. Monday comes around, she hasn't called. Today she has very kindly turned up with a new TV for us. Only, it is an older model, an LG, it is 32" and is not full HD. It is however a Smart TV, which is why she probably thought it was good (we have no real use for Smart TV, our consoles and Blu Ray do that already, plus we have Sky). It only has one HDMI port, which is a right pain for us. We always need to switch from Sky, to Blu Ray, to Consoles, and fiddling with ports and switching cables gives our son the wrong idea. We don't want him to pull it down on himself. There would be no way of fixing the TV down on the one she has bought us.

The subject is really going to be painful to bring up and difficult to not sound really ungrateful. Because we are grateful, it was very kind. We just wish she had spoken to us and, you know, actually asked us what we want.

We thought about keeping it and just going ahead with our plan of getting a new one, but we'd seem extremely ungrateful if they see it. And ask if it wasn't good enough. The fallout would be horrific. So is it better to just be honest?

We're also wondering if we return it to store, can we get it refunded in cash, so we can put it towards one we want, kind of like on the subtle so his mum doesn't really know? She doesn't actually come round to the flat often. We thought of exchanging it and putting down the difference, but the problem is, it's from Argos. We both really hate Argos for things like this, we've had many problems with them before. Plus as far as I'm aware, they don't offer a guarantee as good as John Lewis, if any.

To top it all off, my OH is the youngest of 4. And despite being 31, the only one of them to go to Uni and have a professional career (he's a nurse), and being an extremely good Dad, he gets treated like a baby by them and treated like he doesn't know anything. Now he's trying to get some sleep after a night shift, and has another one tonight, but can't sleep because he's stressing about it the TV situation (first world problems, eh?).

/rant over.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 21/09/2016 12:35

This is how financial control works OP - because people who have the luxury of independence / autonomy can't understand why it's not nice just to be bought something.

Those of us who've been there, get it. Don't expect everyone to Flowers

The TV's not safe, tell her it has to be returned. She will sulk and it will be horrible. But steel yourself.

Sallystyle · 21/09/2016 12:37

If you're struggling so much with money you don't turn down a free 32" TV because you wanted to borrow money to buy a 42" one. The 42" will have cables just like the other so that's a red herring.

Plenty of people would struggle close to payday if a big item broke.

It doesn't mean you are struggling so much.

S1lentAllTheseYears · 21/09/2016 12:38

Yanbu. I think you should be honest with your mil. 'Dear Mil, how lovely of you to buy us the TV, it's just not going to work for us as it only has the one port and we'd hate for DS to pull it down on himself while trying to change it. You wouldn't have known this when you bought it and it was so kind of you but would you mind awfully taking it back? DH will drive you to Argos as it has to go on your card.'

LagunaBubbles I would have been devastated to not be able to choose my own pram :(

For big purchases that the receiver is going to be using every day for years, it's important to get the thing they want. I'd never buy a big thing like this for my DC without checking first.

My mum has done this sort of thing to me loads over the years but, thankfully, not for anything really big, although I have had some items on my wall for years which are not what I wanted. Mum has some which I love (childhood memories of admiring them and hoping I might have some of my own one day) and I mentioned I had seen some exactly the same and was going to buy myself some. She immediately said that a shop near her did them and she would buy them for me. I double checked 'are they exactly the same as you have, mum?' 'Oh yes!' she says. Actually the ones she bought are totally different but because she'd had them personalised, I couldn't do anything and couldn't bear to hurt her feelings. That was a long time ago and I just don't mention things until I've bought them now!

Tanith · 21/09/2016 12:38

"YANBU OP, though it's not surprising that the usual "you sound grabby and entitled" bores are sounding off as usual."

Yes indeed! Some of them have barely bothered to read the OP before wading in!

I'm not a borrower, but I would hate to think that, in a few years time, my own children and in-laws would feel they had to stick with an unwanted gift rather than upset me. Surely any loving mother or mother-in-law would prefer that you had the TV you really wanted, especially if the gifted one might injure a precious grandchild?

witsender · 21/09/2016 12:40

Why the urgency? It is just a TV.

Just buy.an HDMI splitter, and an extended warranty if you want one.

Thereby saving the cost of buying a TV.

Why is Sky an essential?

OnionKnight · 21/09/2016 12:41

Its akin to asking to borrow some money to buy a five door car but the MIL buys a two seater cabriolet for the OP and DH instead, sure it's a car but it's not what they wanted.

TwentyCups · 21/09/2016 12:42

Your TV has broken and you have been gifted a new one.
You only have two options here. Keep it and use it, or return it and pay the difference for the one you want (with your own money!).
You can tell MIL it was faulty if you want to spare her feelings, but be aware she may see through the lie. If you think she won't mind then you could do this and tell her exactly why.
Personally I would keep the gift, it sounds like a good model and was bought with kindness.
However if you really don't want it then the best way forwards would be to return, upgrade, and say it only had one port, so had to be swapped.
I wouldn't mention HD or screen size, it will make you look ungrateful.

QueenLizIII · 21/09/2016 12:42

And despite being 31, the only one of them to go to Uni and have a professional career (he's a nurse), and being an extremely good Dad, he gets treated like a baby by them and treated like he doesn't know anything

Maybe they treat him like a baby as he behaves like one. Needing subs from parents as a grown father. Then not being able to sleep over the TV problem?!

What do most people do when something breaks? I had to put a laptop on my credit card when my old one died as I cant be without one for work, etc.

Couldnt you just use a credit card and pay it off in full when the overtime came in? That would escape an interest charges provided you paid it all off.

CandODad · 21/09/2016 12:47

More name calling QueenLiz? Is there really a need? The op didn't asked for an unqualified diagnosis of her husbands issues, she asked for advice on how to handle the tv situation.

Or are you hoping for the op to say they have no access to credit etc so you came find fault with that? That's what it smells like to me.

BabooshkaKate · 21/09/2016 12:48

Why are lots of people assuming that as an older woman the Mil won't understand "techy stuff"?

Because she has bought a lower spec TV? She either doesn't understand or is doing it deliberately and passive aggressively.

Wdigin2this · 21/09/2016 12:49

I can understand how irritating and difficult this situation is, but I agree....at over 30 years of age, with a good job, he shouldn't be borrowing from parents! Maybe next time, wait until overtime money comes through!

LagunaBubbles · 21/09/2016 12:52

I find it a bit odd that you can't go a few weeks without a TV TBH

I dont, but of course TV is seen as the devil here almost by some. Hmm

QueenLizIII · 21/09/2016 12:55

Advice on how to handle the TV: tell her it's not suitable or take it back to argos themselves and exchange it an get another one more suitable.

Job done.

There is literally no other way to handle it.

amusedbush · 21/09/2016 12:55

Just listen to yourself-changing cable, lo might pull it over, we don't like Argos!

What a load of trying to justify yourself bollocks!

TBF, I've had a load of hassle with Argos too and we also have a TV with only one port so any time we want to switch between Xbox 360, Xbox One and Firestick we need to get up and rummage around with plugs. It's annoying and something I'd take into consideration if we had to buy a new TV.

mogloveseggs · 21/09/2016 12:58

Yep you're going to have to bite the bullet and tell her. In your position I think if I had a laptop I'd have just waited till overtime pay came in and used iplayer etc.

Chewbecca · 21/09/2016 12:58

OP - how about the buying a splitter suggestion? Why not keep it and do this?

DotForShort · 21/09/2016 12:59

I don't really understand why you would ask for a loan in the first place. Do adults in their 30s, with decent jobs, really ask their parents for financial help for unnecessary things? Obviously, in emergency situations, I could certainly see why one might ask for help from family members. But wanting a luxury item like a fancy new TV would hardly qualify as an emergency.

It sounds as though your MIL was trying to do something nice for you, buying a new TV outright rather than floating you a loan. It may not be exactly the one you wanted, but it seems as though her intentions were kind. PPs have outlined your options (talk to MIL, return to Argos for an exchange, hang onto the TV for a while, then buy the one you want, etc.). Lesson learned, I suppose re: cutting one's coat and all that.

SantinoRice · 21/09/2016 13:01

Could someone explain why the hdmi splitter isn't an option? They cost about a fiver. Why are you all struggling with switching cables Confused

Dontwantanicknamethanks · 21/09/2016 13:01

Um, def a weird problem to stress over. I was over the moon when my parents gave me their old TVs when they upgraded. Just go back to Argos with it, having looked up a tv you do want in case they say no to a refund. They won't give you cash if ur mil paid for it by card. Just don't tell her! It's only a TV, after al...

AaoograhaHoa · 21/09/2016 13:03

You are gown ups, your telly broke and you didn't have the money to replace it? So you asked parents? And now you are huffy you didn't get what you wanted? Honestly?

YABU to have asked to borrow money and YABmoreU to be so ungrateful for the helping hand they have happily given despite being under no obligation to do so.

It isn't an essential. Suck it up till you can afford what you want for yourselves. Sheesh. Talk about first world problems. Hmm

dowhatnow · 21/09/2016 13:05

Do adults in their 30s, with decent jobs, really ask their parents for financial help for unnecessary things? Obviously, in emergency situations, I could certainly see why one might ask for help from family members. But wanting a luxury item like a fancy new TV would hardly qualify as an emergency.

It's a short term loan to tide them over. I'd certainly not hesitate to ask for short term help and I love the fact that they would feel that they could ask us. It's called being a close knit family and helping each other out if we can. But then none of us have a history of taking the piss and we trust each other

carefreeeee · 21/09/2016 13:06

YABU to be so reliant on TV. Try living without one for a year - you can do loads of cool stuff - read books, make things, play games, baking, crafts, letter writing, go out for evening walks, etc etc etc.

Would probably be better for your child as well.

MissMargie · 21/09/2016 13:08

Phone Argos and ensure you can change it and that you have the correct paperwork
Ask Argos what they have which best fits your requirements.

Phone DMIL and say thanks soooo much - would she mind if you changed if for one that takes DH's faaaavourite games (or something the other tv doesn't have).

Change it.

In future don't give family the power to belittle your DH by not giving them details of your lives except the v positive successful ones. By being a bit brusque and firm they might have more respect.

MissMargie · 21/09/2016 13:09

carefree very true!!!!!! That's why hardly anyone has a tv Hmm

diddl · 21/09/2016 13:10

Surely if you can ask ILs for a loan you could also tell them that something isn't suitable?