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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed MIL bought us a TV

212 replies

EverythingisShiny · 21/09/2016 10:46

So back story, our TV broke about 2 weeks ago, the cost to fix it will be too pointless so we decided to buy a new one, an excuse to have a little upgrade. The one that is broken is a Samsung full HD LED 32".

My OH contacted his mum to ask to borrow some money for a new one, which we will pay back when over time pay comes in. He told her which one we want, basically a Samsung full HD LED 42". Want to get it from John Lewis as the price is good and comes with a 5 year guarantee. Which is all fine. She agreed, and said she would phone us on monday. Monday comes around, she hasn't called. Today she has very kindly turned up with a new TV for us. Only, it is an older model, an LG, it is 32" and is not full HD. It is however a Smart TV, which is why she probably thought it was good (we have no real use for Smart TV, our consoles and Blu Ray do that already, plus we have Sky). It only has one HDMI port, which is a right pain for us. We always need to switch from Sky, to Blu Ray, to Consoles, and fiddling with ports and switching cables gives our son the wrong idea. We don't want him to pull it down on himself. There would be no way of fixing the TV down on the one she has bought us.

The subject is really going to be painful to bring up and difficult to not sound really ungrateful. Because we are grateful, it was very kind. We just wish she had spoken to us and, you know, actually asked us what we want.

We thought about keeping it and just going ahead with our plan of getting a new one, but we'd seem extremely ungrateful if they see it. And ask if it wasn't good enough. The fallout would be horrific. So is it better to just be honest?

We're also wondering if we return it to store, can we get it refunded in cash, so we can put it towards one we want, kind of like on the subtle so his mum doesn't really know? She doesn't actually come round to the flat often. We thought of exchanging it and putting down the difference, but the problem is, it's from Argos. We both really hate Argos for things like this, we've had many problems with them before. Plus as far as I'm aware, they don't offer a guarantee as good as John Lewis, if any.

To top it all off, my OH is the youngest of 4. And despite being 31, the only one of them to go to Uni and have a professional career (he's a nurse), and being an extremely good Dad, he gets treated like a baby by them and treated like he doesn't know anything. Now he's trying to get some sleep after a night shift, and has another one tonight, but can't sleep because he's stressing about it the TV situation (first world problems, eh?).

/rant over.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

roarfeckingroar · 21/09/2016 11:54

I can't help but laugh at the idea of suiting your television "needs".

icouldabeenacontender · 21/09/2016 11:59

I'm surprised your dh didn't see the writing on the wall when his mum asked for all the details and it's bitten him on the backside.
As for the complaint about being treated like a baby...

toleranceofflop · 21/09/2016 11:59

It seems to me that you actually have a get out of jail free card on this one - safety. Because of your son you need a TV that can be fixed down.

So get your dh to ring his mother and say "thanks mum but we've had a good look and it can't be fixed down so unfortunately it's just not safe" then he can have a discussion about how the other one is perfect and would it be ok to go back to what they had originally agreed.

Personally I don't think you are being ungrateful, unfortunately it's just not suitable, that's not your fault!

MrsJayy · 21/09/2016 11:59

Get yourself to Maplin they have rows of adapters for Tvs will suit your televisiual needs you get a free telly and dont have to pay mil back win/win really . Fwiw im starting to think the op is on the wind up

Arfarfanarf · 21/09/2016 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnArrowToTheKnee · 21/09/2016 12:00

People are being a tad harsh, from your OP it looks like you were planning on borrowing the money until payday? Not particularly unusual in most families. I know I would have struggled without a TV for even a week when DS was that young.

It really sounds like your MIL just steamrolled over you on this. Tell her that you appreciate the gesture, but you'll have to return it and get the one you actually chose - you did your research, made a decision, her (temporary) financial stake in it doesn't give her the right to override that.

AnArrowToTheKnee · 21/09/2016 12:05

And Sky isn't that much of a luxury, you need the internet and it's often cheaper to get it bundled with TV.

ohnoonoo · 21/09/2016 12:07

No we can't pack in Sky, we need an internet connection for Uni and work things, the TV package is the cheapest and our only form of entertainment. We don't go out. My son can get in horrific tempers and certain TV shows can help to calm him down

You can get internet from Sky without the TV bundle and I'm pretty sure you know it. If you have a Smart TV then why can't you use 4OD, BBC iPlayer and ITV to watch programmes? That plus Freeview is plenty!

I find it a bit odd that you can't go a few weeks without a TV TBH.

QueenLizIII · 21/09/2016 12:08

Why didn't you just wait for payday?

I am going to show my mother this thread. She often called me a lazy, ungrateful brat when I was younger and still living with her and threw in my face all she did for me. Laundry which I told her not to do for me as she fucking machine washed handwash items and ruined loads of stuff, a cup of tea in the morning and occasionally something to eat at night.

Other than that I was financially maintaining her. The washing machine broke, I bought a new one, new TV for Christmas, paid her commercial levels of rent that a private landlord would charge for a rented room and all she was did was bitch about how I was a leech.

I'm going to show her this.

shovetheholly · 21/09/2016 12:08

toleranceof nails it. I might be tempted - ahem - to exaggerate a little and say that your son came close to having an accident with it, that she wasn't to know, that no-one could have foreseen such a stupid bit of design, and that you've sadly been forced to change it for the other model. But that it's absolutely lovely of her to have given you the gift (which it is) and you'd love to thank her by cooking her a really lovely meal one evening.

MerylPeril · 21/09/2016 12:09

YANBU we are great believers in buying the wrong thing is just a waste of money in the end.
If you don't buy what you need you end up buying again and when you have a TV sat there from MIL you won't feel like you can buy another one.

We mentioned once to MIL we were thinking of buying a tablet - she took it upon herself to buy a piece of shit from QVC.
We could afford one, just had decided which one. DH wouldn't then buy one in case she saw and was offended, and the one we had didn't even work properly.....

Better to sort it out now.

shovetheholly · 21/09/2016 12:12

PS I do realise how irritating it is when people do well-meaning things without asking. PIL always ask what we want, and then always deliver something a-bit-like-it-but-not-quite. When the difference is something like colour or a slightly different style, it can be the difference between it 'going' in a room (or section of the garden) and really, really not. It is frustrating because it's often a very generous, lovely thought. I suspect, as in my case, this is part of a whole pattern of you and your DH not feeling 'listened to' in the relationship (hence the babying, which is a way of invalidating someone so you don't have to 'hear' them). Sensitive but firm kinds of action, like returning the TV, can be really helpful in gradually shifting people towards a more 'adult', two-way relationship. But it is a work of patience and time.

GingerbreadCake · 21/09/2016 12:14

YABU. If you're struggling so much with money you don't turn down a free 32" TV because you wanted to borrow money to buy a 42" one. The 42" will have cables just like the other so that's a red herring.

You both sound irresponsible and childish.

CandODad · 21/09/2016 12:15

Queenliz, perhaps you are projecting a little and need to step back? Perhaps try the "bit we took you to Stanley homes thread" for your issues. I'm sure throwing her a thread and saying "look how better I am than these" will really help your relationship!

InformalRoman · 21/09/2016 12:17

Some of the replies on here are a bit harsh.

I have a MIL a bit like this too - I think the TV she bought was originally a similar price to the JL one, but was in the sale and she thought she was doing OP a favour. She probably didn't think too much about the difference in spec, just thought she would be doing a good thing.

I think OP needs to talk to MIL - take the TV back to Argos and get what you want. Buy cheap, buy twice.

I'd always buy from JL because the 5 year guarantee is so good.

dowhatnow · 21/09/2016 12:18

You are having a really hard time here op. You asked for a loan. The answer to that should have been yes or no. It was incredibly kind of her to give you the gift but it's done you no favours if it's not what you want.

If she paid cash I'd just get your money back and buy from JL telling her afterwards that you changed it and why, emphasising the safety aspect. She doesn't need to know that you got it from JL instead.

If she paid by card talk to her in advance and ask if you can change it. Depending on her reaction, I'd just upgrade at Argos if she is a bit miffed, or if she seems ok about it, I'd ask her to get the money back on her card and go for JL as the guarantee is better.

LifeInJeneral · 21/09/2016 12:18

10 inches can clearly improve ones quality of life

TinyTear · 21/09/2016 12:19

YANBU
People buying thing that aren't just right is a way of making sure their wishes matter more than yours and they make it similar enough that you will then be called grabby for not liking it in the first place...

HmmHaa · 21/09/2016 12:20

OP I totally understand where you are coming from!

Do you think your MiL just got it wrong? Or has she made a 'better decision' for you?

My lovely parents do this sort of thing sometimes. Out of total love! They'll here me talking about something, then go to great lengths to buy it as a treat, but it is often the wrong thing and I just feel so ungrateful!

Exchanging with massive, massive thank yous to her is the way forward, I think.

And I also understand you 'upgrading' as because you have to replace it, you might as well get the version you really want as it will be in use for years ahead. All you did was ask for a loan - it's no crime.

MackerelOfFact · 21/09/2016 12:20

I think YABU. Your TV broke, you decided on a new one to buy, and then asked MIL for some money to get it now rather than waiting until you could afford it.

MIL interprets this as 'Everything and DH need a TV immediately and are short of cash. I know, I'll buy them one like their old one, since that was fine for them until it broke. That way they'll have a TV immediately and won't have to spend more money.'

I don't think her intentions were to deprive you of a huge telly, just to alleviate your immediate problems which were a) time-critical need for a telly and b) lack of money.

OnionKnight · 21/09/2016 12:24

YANBU, I'd take it back

What is the point of buying something for someone if it doesn't meet their requirements?

dowhatnow · 21/09/2016 12:25

Of course it's not win win if it's not what you want and you could have bought yourself what you actually want with a short term loan. If the answer to the loan request was a no, then the op had the choice to wait a few weeks to get what she actually wants and need or buy a cheaper TV. This choice was removed from her. That's not win win. That would only be the case if the op was in a situation of not being able to afford a tv at all in the near future. Only then could she not afford to be choosy.

Niloufes · 21/09/2016 12:31

Just say it wasn't the one you wanted to get (because it doesn't fill all the requirements re consoles etc) and ask if she still has the receipt. Why is there an issue? Return it and put the money towards the bigger one.

PortiaCastis · 21/09/2016 12:31

I would be grateful if someone bought me a tv. I'm a single Mum and gladly accept gifts from family.
Any tv would be okay, after all if you want a mahoosive screen theres always the cinema. I think tesco vouchrs get you in for cheap.
I'm fortunate to have family support otherwise I'd have no tv at all

Sallystyle · 21/09/2016 12:35

YANBU

You asked for money, a loan. She knew what TV you wanted but got you a different one instead.

That is not kindness. She may have believed she was being kind but you didn't ask her to buy you a TV and it's a bit messed up to buy someone something when they already know the type they want.

I don't think you are ungrateful.

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