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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband not to do this

174 replies

limon · 21/09/2016 09:24

I suffer with anxiety which is worst in the mornings .

This morning I felt very overwhelmed and I need as much routine and cam as possible to cope

Dh is a sahp and we are doing the house up.

This morning he'd taken a door off, put it on the kitchen table and started painting it at 8.00

I asked him (nicely) if, as I was feeling anxious, trying to make my sandwiches for lunch and a cup of tea, while DD nagged me for an apple cutter which I couldn't find, he would mind not starting painting until after the school run as I found it a bit too much to handle first thing.

His response was to blame me for being anxious and tell me how hard he finds it to live with.

I asked nicely again - telling him I need a little support - and he still didn't get it, was really short with me, and carried on painting.

I am ready to accept iabu (I guess a lot of people would be happy he's painting) but all I want is a little support and to delay painting for half an hour, considering he has from half nine til 3pm to do it.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 21/09/2016 09:26

What was it about the action that was triggering your anxiety?

DerekSprechenZeDick · 21/09/2016 09:28

I don't get what's too much to handle? He was painting a door.

You want support with what?

gleam · 21/09/2016 09:29

What a stupid time to pick to do something like that on the kitchen table!

YANBU.

NoFuchsGiven · 21/09/2016 09:29

I think you should probably make an appointment with your gp to discuss your anxiety if your husband doing normal household tasks is causing you to feel this way. I can see how it must be quite draining for him to live with.

Albadross · 21/09/2016 09:29

I totally get this. I can't cope with noise and mess and DH constantly asking me if we should do this or that, trying to keep myself from getting overwhelmed means I need to take my time coming 'out of my head' rather than just being immediately bombarded.

Sometimes anxiety means cognitive issues and overloading can make you forget things, causing more anxiety later on. Starting the day feeling ill-prepared is not ideal and I don't think YWBU at all. I know that it's pretty hard for others to understand though.

Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 09:30

I want support with the fact that I feel overwhelmed (because of my anxiety). So him basically using up all the kitchen space and painting while I am trying to make a cup of tea, grab some breakfast, make my lunch and sort out my daughter. Ie he's making me default parent while he prioritises door painting.

If I didn't feel anxious and overwhelmed it wouldn't be a problem, but I do l.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 21/09/2016 09:31

Oh dear what a bloody faff he is painting in the kitchen while you are all trying to get sorted and out the door he could have waited half an hour or whatever till you were out the door it would stress me out to. Im sorry he said that to you having had an anxiety issue in the past having evsry day ruled by it is exhausting you are not ill just to annoy him

rhiaaaaaaaannon · 21/09/2016 09:31

We're you worried the dc would cause a mess with the paint?
I can get anxious when there is too much going on at once but I've learnt that some if the times its my own problem.

Hope you feel a bit calmer now

Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 09:32

Gleam yes that's xactly what I thought. Why not wait until we were all out of the door?

Thank you albadross. That's how I feel l.

I did call the gp for an appointment but they are booked up - I'll try again tomorrow.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityyhat · 21/09/2016 09:33

How long has your anxiety been this bad?

It is hard on everyone when one member of a family has anxiety like this.

gleam · 21/09/2016 09:33

Regardless of your anxiety, how stupid!
Taking your anxiety into account - doubly so.
It seems to me he was avoiding doing any of the morning stuff because he was doing An Important Job.

Hope you feel a little better now. Flowers

ageingrunner · 21/09/2016 09:33

Painting a door on the kitchen table while everyone was trying to eat breakfast and get ready for school and work is not really a normal or helpful thing to do, imo. Could he not have left it half an hour. His timing seems very off, I'd almost suspect him of doing it deliberately to trigger your anxiety, if I wasn't such a nice person. Does he often do odd things like that btw?

PotteringAlong · 21/09/2016 09:34

Sorry, he's a sahp and doing up the house and was getting on with it.

Support does not mean having it all your own way.

PuntasticUsername · 21/09/2016 09:35

I sympathise with your anxiety - re "Why did he have to do it now?", perhaps he's calculated how many coats of paint he needs to get on the door today and if he hadn't started early, he wouldn't have time to do them and for the door to dry between coats?

PotteringAlong · 21/09/2016 09:35

Ah, cross post! When we were going up our house stuff everywhere at all points was entirely normal. Seems like I'm in the minority here though.

MoonStar07 · 21/09/2016 09:36

I think YANBU in your current state of anxiety it's bothering you. Also it's a bit silly to do it first thing! In saying that in the grand scheme it's not a huge deal which is why I feel you should return to your GP. Hope you're ok now OP.

nancyblackett80 · 21/09/2016 09:37

Does your husband actually know how severe you find your anxiety?

If its undiagnosed he may not know how to help you best and could be forgiven for finding it difficult to navigate.

Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 09:37

On and off since my dd was born bippity. I was diagnosed with pnd and then ptsd (almost died having dd and had 3 miscarriages the year before).

I'm on two different meds and have had some intensive therapy for ptsd.

I have a very stressful job and sometimes it all builds up.

I'm currently having hypnotherapy to hel me relax and have started exercising

OP posts:
MangoBiscuit · 21/09/2016 09:37

I also have anxiety. This sort of thing isn't a trigger for me. It would still annoy me a fair bit though. First thing in the morning, when people are trying to get food sorted, get ready for the day, get out of the house etc, is NOT a suitable time for dropping all the parenting on the other parent, and doing a DIY job that can wait. And then to take over the kitchen table for this, is very selfish.

I get that it's also making your anxiety worse, which is a truly dickish thing to do, but I think the anxiety is a separate issue. Even without any health problems, your DH was being selfish and thoughtless.

I hope you're feeling a bit better now. Anxiety really sucks. Flowers

reallyanotherone · 21/09/2016 09:38

It seems to me he was avoiding doing any of the morning stuff because he was doing An Important Job

This.

It pisses me off when DH starts faffing with something while I am trying to sort myself and the kids out.

I find asking him to do something else rather than just stop is better so "If you give me a hand and find the apple cutter/make the tea while I sort sandwiches you can get on with your door painting in peace".

I bet he expected you to make him a cup of tea while doing your own too?

Bountybarsyuk · 21/09/2016 09:39

I don't have anxiety, but I wouldn't be too impressed with someone starting to do DIY on the kitchen table doing the school run. I would just say 'can you do that in a different room' and expect him to clear on out of the way.

It is inconsiderate to make the school run harder, I don't actually think this is an anxiety issue. Him then blaming your anxiety isn't very nice either.

gamerchick · 21/09/2016 09:40

Well I'm medicated but would have wanted to stove his head in for doing a room blocking job that time of the morning.

Seriously though it's time to sort out your anxiety if it's that bad. Get thee to the GP for meds.

Idratherbeaunicorn · 21/09/2016 09:41

YANBU
Your DH knows you have anxiety - and also, even if you didn't, it seems a bit silly to paint a door in the kitchen in the morning when that is obviously time for getting breakfast done etc!
I hope you're OK now, OP - as per PP, it maybe worth just having a chat with your GP if you're feeling overwhelmed. Flowers

JennieLee · 21/09/2016 09:41

I think the smell of gloss paint in a small space, while small people are trying to have breakfast is not a good idea. It's also easy for accidents - bumps, spillages - to happen at such a time. Much better to wait till people are out of the house, when that option exists.

MissElizaBennettsBaubles · 21/09/2016 09:44

YANBU

I would've been mightily annoyed at DH if he had done that while I was trying to get breakfast for the DC on a school day. I would've told him to piss off out of the way until after 9AM

Someone close to me has anxiety. It sucks. These are for you OP FlowersFlowersFlowers