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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my husband not to do this

174 replies

limon · 21/09/2016 09:24

I suffer with anxiety which is worst in the mornings .

This morning I felt very overwhelmed and I need as much routine and cam as possible to cope

Dh is a sahp and we are doing the house up.

This morning he'd taken a door off, put it on the kitchen table and started painting it at 8.00

I asked him (nicely) if, as I was feeling anxious, trying to make my sandwiches for lunch and a cup of tea, while DD nagged me for an apple cutter which I couldn't find, he would mind not starting painting until after the school run as I found it a bit too much to handle first thing.

His response was to blame me for being anxious and tell me how hard he finds it to live with.

I asked nicely again - telling him I need a little support - and he still didn't get it, was really short with me, and carried on painting.

I am ready to accept iabu (I guess a lot of people would be happy he's painting) but all I want is a little support and to delay painting for half an hour, considering he has from half nine til 3pm to do it.

OP posts:

flippinada · 21/09/2016 15:18

Not necessarily - has he told you that? It does in some cases, but it's not a given by any means and depends very much on what's best for the children.

Can I suggest getting yourself some proper advice? You don't need to act on but you may feel more confident if you have some back up (so to speak).

Original poster

limon · 21/09/2016 15:30

He's said so and he's been main carer for four years.

OP posts:

reallyanotherone · 21/09/2016 15:37

If he's been a sahp and is the primary carer on paper, then yes, he would have a case for primary residency.

flippinada · 21/09/2016 15:40

Now there's a surprise. Is he an expert in family law, or (more likely) is he just saying that to keep you in line, so you won't dare to leave?

Sorry, this must sound like I'm getting at you, that's not my intention. I just want to point out there are options and it may help you to get some impartial advice.

user1470043860 · 21/09/2016 15:42

Did it ever occur to you he was painting the door as early as he could so he could have it dry in time to re-hang it today.

Poor bloke.

Original poster

limon · 21/09/2016 15:44

user no. I was feeling completely overwhelmed and there was no room to move in the kitchen at breakfast time. It was more important that we have kitchen space at breakfast time than a painted and hung door any time soon.

OP posts:

Inertia · 21/09/2016 15:47

The more you've posted, the more it sounds like he is trying to wind you up so that he can portray you as unstable.

Painting a door on the kitchen table at mealtime goes beyond thoughtlessness. Nobody accidentally takes off a door and starts painting it.

CockacidalManiac · 21/09/2016 15:48

Did it ever occur to you he was painting the door as early as he could so he could have it dry in time to re-hang it today.

Poor bloke.

Jesus. There's always one. How can you read the posts made by the OP, and then be dim enough to post that?

flippinada · 21/09/2016 15:49

I wouldn't have thought so, unless they were giant doors and he was using some sort of special extra wet paint. I had mine repainted a couple of months ago as part of a kitchen refurbishment. Not only was this accomplished without removing them from the door frame, they were dry to the touch after 3-4 hours.

user1470043860 · 21/09/2016 15:50

Sounds like he's in a no win situation and it would be interesting to hear his side of the story about how the household jobs are dished out.

He's up early trying to get some jobs done and even that's not good enough and it doesn't take long to get a door painted.

Nothing personal, just giving my opinion, hope it all works out.

user1470043860 · 21/09/2016 15:52

Not only was this accomplished without removing them from the door frame, they were dry to the touch after 3-4 hours

Any decent craftsperson would remove a door to get a smooth finish, plus you have to remove any knobs and hinges. Sounds like you had cowboys in.

PickAChew · 21/09/2016 16:01

YANBU.

I'm the SAHP but DH is off sick, today and he's just IN MY WAY!

northernshepherdess · 21/09/2016 16:02

Painters and decorators don't normally remove doors.
I do, because I'm a bit that way out (ocd)... but my ex and my bessies hubby and anyone I've known to have decorating done.. don't normally get the doors taken off.
I like to remove hardware and paint flat on a table... but I wouldn't do it during the morning rush hour.. with children risking getting paint on uniforms etc.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/09/2016 16:03

If he wanted to paint the door early then he could have found a place to do it that didn't inconvenience other family members to such an extent. Blocking up the kitchen at breakfast time when your partner has to get to work and your DC to school is utterly inconsiderate.

flippinada · 21/09/2016 16:05

No, they did a great job thanks.

limon hope you're ok - I appreciate this may feel a bit overwhelming. Do you have friends/family you can have a chat to? It sounds like you could do with some RL support.

anothermalteserplease · 21/09/2016 20:59

**Limon I hope you are ok. It sounds like you ar dealing with a lot including a husband who isn't making these easy for you. I have anxiety and I have a plan for the mornings to help me cope. If something majorly changed with this I would feel so overwhelmed and stressed. FWIW I'm a SAHM with 3 children (2 of whom are not yet at full time school) and I do all the school run organizing, most of the housework and generally keep the children out my husbands way in the mornings when he's trying to get ready for work. He pitches in of course but I do what I can take make his life run more smoothly. He does same for me

MrsLupo · 21/09/2016 21:18

I also hope you're OK, limon, and that the thread hasn't gone bad for you. I don't normally suggest this, but I wonder if it would be helpful to get this thread moved to Relationships, or post again there. I suspect you would get good advice and some much needed support. I hope you have RL support too. You sound as though you're working incredibly hard to keep things together for yourself and your family. I'm not surprised you're at the end of your tether and feel really sorry for you.

WombOfOnesOwn · 21/09/2016 22:27

I think your husband's days of being a SAHP need to come to an end, ASAP.

My husband is a SAHP and if this was the level of stuff he was doing while our child was in school, I'd have him at LEAST bringing in part-time earnings.

You are being taken advantage of, viciously, by a man who appears to enjoy triggering your anxiety and who won't even meet you halfway with counseling exercises. He gets a broodmare who'll do most of the cleaning while he does home renovations he clearly enjoys doing, and a convenient emotional punching bag.

He needs to be back in the workforce. You're much more likely to get more time with your kid when you split if he can't pretend he's been some sort of great SAHP the whole time. Document EVERYTHING. Document how much you do for your daughter versus how much he does.

What happens if you leave for a week? Do things just pile up while your "SAHP" husband (I really find this phrase distasteful when it's someone whose kids aren't even AT HOME during the daytime!) dawdles about?

Your daughter is learning that women's work is never done, while men get to do what they like. Is this the lesson you'd like her to take into HER first relationships as she gets older? No? Then start shaping up your home -- now. You have my permission to show this post to your husband and tell him he's a lazy git.

flippinada · 21/09/2016 22:37

I agree with all you say Womb but showing her hisband this thread isn't a good idea (although I understand why you're saying it). He's likely to use it against her and it removes a potential source of support.

Wadingthroughsoup · 21/09/2016 23:08

He's up early trying to get some jobs done

8am is hardly early on a weekday. In most houses 8am is a busy time when people are getting ready to leave the house pretty soon. If he'd got up at 6 to do it, he could have had everything cleared away by the time the morning rush kicked off.

But ideally, he'd have just waited and done it during the day when no-one else was home.

Hope you're ok OP. I have anxiety too, and it's a bastard. I particularly struggle with noise at times, as you do.

But I agree with everyone who has said that your anxiety is a red herring in this situation. He was just being an inconsiderate arse/goady fucker.

Wadingthroughsoup · 21/09/2016 23:15

I just want to add that I am very irritated by the posters who've asked (rather flippantly) the OP to explain how the painting of a door can trigger anxiety.

The very essence of anxiety is that it triggers extreme reactions to everyday events. People with anxiety are generally hyper aware of their surroundings, including sound, smells, other people's movements etc. If a person has never suffered from anxiety, I think they should just feel glad of that fact instead of trying to interrogate or mock people who do suffer with it.

MakeItRain · 21/09/2016 23:28

I used to suffer from panic attacks and anxiety. I had years of counselling which was hard work but brilliant in the end. I know everyone is different, but me, I learnt that my anxiety was actually some sort of emotion, which I had learnt to repress and which came out as anxiety. Eventually I learnt to recognise that when I was anxious, I actually was feeling something else - like fury for eg! My ex was always doing things which made me "anxious" and in the end I realised I was actually just really angry sometimes.
"Curing" anxiety is not simple, but I would guess that underneath you're just pissed off but can't access that feeling. Of course it's a complete and utter pain in the arse that your dh is gloss painting a door in a small kitchen just before the school run, when he has the next 6 hours to do it. I would be chucking the door into the street!
I don't know what the answer is for you, but the problem here is not your anxiety. Do you have counselling just for you, or is it with your dh? Maybe counselling alone for a while might help?

Wadingthroughsoup · 21/09/2016 23:33

OP, when you go to your couples counselling, would you feel able to share the fact that you're disappointed/frustrated that your OH doesn't seem to be engaging with the therapist's suggestions? Does that seem like something you could do? Not in a 'telling tales' sense, but rather so that the therapist can better understand the dynamic.

Bogeyface · 21/09/2016 23:55

I havent RTWT but if H decided that 8 am on a weekday, when everyone else is getting breakfast and out to schoo orl work, is the perfect time to paint a fucking door I would not be happy. And I dont have anxiety. YANBU

However, I have found that doing lunches the night before is much easier, grab and go!

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