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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband not to do this

174 replies

limon · 21/09/2016 09:24

I suffer with anxiety which is worst in the mornings .

This morning I felt very overwhelmed and I need as much routine and cam as possible to cope

Dh is a sahp and we are doing the house up.

This morning he'd taken a door off, put it on the kitchen table and started painting it at 8.00

I asked him (nicely) if, as I was feeling anxious, trying to make my sandwiches for lunch and a cup of tea, while DD nagged me for an apple cutter which I couldn't find, he would mind not starting painting until after the school run as I found it a bit too much to handle first thing.

His response was to blame me for being anxious and tell me how hard he finds it to live with.

I asked nicely again - telling him I need a little support - and he still didn't get it, was really short with me, and carried on painting.

I am ready to accept iabu (I guess a lot of people would be happy he's painting) but all I want is a little support and to delay painting for half an hour, considering he has from half nine til 3pm to do it.

OP posts:
reallyanotherone · 21/09/2016 09:44

Sorry, he's a sahp and doing up the house and was getting on with it.

As a SAH parent surely his priority is parenting, so he should have been getting DD ready up and ready for school first. Door painting after. We're back in the scenario where all child related tasks are defaulted to the mother, even when the father is the SAHP.

VladmirsPoutine · 21/09/2016 09:45

Anxiety or not I think painting a door in the midst of the morning rush is unreasonable. How can it possibly be anything other than getting in people's way unless your kitchen is the size of a concert hall.

diddl · 21/09/2016 09:45

Painting a door indoors?

No, no, no, no, no!

Presumably you were trying to get out to work & he should have been getting your daughter ready for school?

Not on imo, with or without anxiety!

Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 09:46

pottering I don't want it all my own way. I want us to work together as a family. He has six hours four days a week to do with as he pleases. He chooses to gloss a door before the school run.

I'm not putting him down for wanting to get on - that's a good thing - but I am default parent while already feeling overwhelmed and would like him to understand that and support me to get better rather than blaming me for it.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 21/09/2016 09:47

Its just inconsiderate to do a job like this when other people are trying to get ready to get out in the morning he might have been eager to get on with it but waiting have an hour would not have killed him.

usual · 21/09/2016 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsJayy · 21/09/2016 09:48

Half an hour*

usual · 21/09/2016 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlancheBlue · 21/09/2016 09:50

How can painting a door cause anxiety? YABU

RunningLulu · 21/09/2016 09:51

If DH is the SAHP why are you the one getting child ready for the school run? He could support you a bit better by taking it on himself rather than painting doors first thing!

diddl · 21/09/2016 09:51

Me too, Usual.

Can't stand the smell of paint-but gloss in partiular!

Topsy44 · 21/09/2016 09:51

YANBU. Getting children out the door for the school run is often a stressful time. I would be annoyed by your husband painting!!!

trafalgargal · 21/09/2016 09:52

What kind of an idiot starts painting with gloss on the kitchen table at the busiest time of the day when he has the rest of the morning free to do it? This isn't about your anxiety it's about him having no common sense. Is he always this stupid ?

AddictedtoSnickers · 21/09/2016 09:52

You don't need to suffer from anxiety to be bloody pissed off about having no usable kitchen space in the morning!! Hopefully if weather permits he can do it outside next time!

Albadross · 21/09/2016 09:52

Gosh, I must be really selfish for wanting it 'all my own way' for the last twenty years Hmm

flanjabelle · 21/09/2016 09:53

He is the sahp. If the op is getting ready for work, why isn't he helping get the child ready for school? Absolutely agree with the posters that have said he is choosing to do a job so he doesn't have to help with the morning routine. That is not helpful at all, and I think he was defensive towards the op as he knew it was out of order.

Op I think a proper conversation needs to be had, outside of the stressful morning period. I would explain again the effects of this behaviour and ask him to change.

Yanbu op, he is 100% out of order.

raspberrysuicide · 21/09/2016 09:53

Why on earth would you paint a door on the kitchen table at that time! Knowing people would be using it and getting ready for work and school. Selfish idiot. Did he not realise that you would all be gone soon and he would have space to do it without bothering everyone else.

icouldabeenacontender · 21/09/2016 09:54

Well I don't suffer from anxiety, but if my dh was painting a door on the kitchen table, while I was trying to get the kids breakfast sorted and get them ready for school I'd be pretty pissed off.
How can anyone not see that it might possibly cause someone stress ffs.

SleepFreeZone · 21/09/2016 09:54

I totally get you.

I feel the same when I have the toddler leaping around from sofa to sofa in the living room. The baby crawling on the floor mouthing everything. The TV on and DP decides to get out the laptop and place a champagne flute of Bucks Fizz right next to it, in the low coffee table, inbetween the sofas ...... you get the picture.

I can feel my head start to implode, im trying to make dinner, I end up with the baby under one arm, shouting at the toddler to stop flinging himself about when all I really need is some support to keep the TV off, someone to help entertain the toddler or at least enforce the boundaries I've set, it drives me mad.

There have been about thre occasions now where I have warned DP that X is going to happen, he has barked back at me to basically shut up and then X has happened about three minutes later. Nowadays he does listen a bit more to my predictions 🙄

Albadross · 21/09/2016 09:55

Blanche - I think op already explained. Anxiety by definition is when your normal fight or flight mechanism is triggered by things that for most people it wouldn't be. That's why it's an illness.

Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 09:55

I've tried to explain how it makes me feel again and I've burst into tears because I'm so upset. He's told me he doesn't think I want to get better.

OP posts:
Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 09:59

Dd was 50% ready - he'd dressed her and offered her some breakfast. She was asking him for an apple and the apple corer and he was igoring her and painting - she then asked me and I asked him to get her one and find the apple corer and he got all huffy with me.

Because he was painting the door the kitchen was chaotic and the rest of getting her ready defaulted to me.

OP posts:
MagikarpetRide · 21/09/2016 10:02

He's being a complete arse. Everyone who suffers with anxiety have their own coping methods and trigger times. You don't make someone with anxiety better by deciding to screw with those or decide now is the time to throw the person into some immersive therapy.

witsender · 21/09/2016 10:02

It isn't about support, it is about common sense! Which it sounds like he is lacking.

FlyingElbows · 21/09/2016 10:03

I think if you go back through your posts op and pick out the relevant phrases such as "default parent" and "... do with as he pleases" you'll be able to focus more on the real problem, which is not the door. Focusing on the door (and that'd annoy pretty much anyone first thing in the morning) makes your real issue seem weak. It's more than the door and it needs proper help. Flowers

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