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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband not to do this

174 replies

limon · 21/09/2016 09:24

I suffer with anxiety which is worst in the mornings .

This morning I felt very overwhelmed and I need as much routine and cam as possible to cope

Dh is a sahp and we are doing the house up.

This morning he'd taken a door off, put it on the kitchen table and started painting it at 8.00

I asked him (nicely) if, as I was feeling anxious, trying to make my sandwiches for lunch and a cup of tea, while DD nagged me for an apple cutter which I couldn't find, he would mind not starting painting until after the school run as I found it a bit too much to handle first thing.

His response was to blame me for being anxious and tell me how hard he finds it to live with.

I asked nicely again - telling him I need a little support - and he still didn't get it, was really short with me, and carried on painting.

I am ready to accept iabu (I guess a lot of people would be happy he's painting) but all I want is a little support and to delay painting for half an hour, considering he has from half nine til 3pm to do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 10:05

flyingelbows we are already in counselling.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 21/09/2016 10:07

He doesn't sound particularly kind or supportive like you meant to get PTSD as an aside painting in the kitchen while people are using the kitchen is just plain stupid op its him not you lovey Flowers

icanteven · 21/09/2016 10:08

Stunned at the Zen-like posters above who think that taking a door off the hinges, putting it on the table and painting it at breakfast time on a SCHOOL MORNING is perfectly chill.

I would be freaking out. I have mild anxiety - probably better to say that I'm a jittery person - and it would send me into a tailspin, as it would any normal person, surely?

Your DH IBU, not you.

AdoraBell · 21/09/2016 10:08

YANBU

GerdaLovesLili · 21/09/2016 10:09

YANBU. Not at all. Your DH is being an arse. He has all day to do that job. To do it where and when it will cause the most amount of stress, especially when he knows it will cause you extra angst is ultra-twuntbadgery.

Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 10:11

I love twuntbadgery gerda Grin

OP posts:
Yorkieheaven · 21/09/2016 10:11

This would have driven me scatty op completely see your point.

SapphireStrange · 21/09/2016 10:11

It seems to me he was avoiding doing any of the morning stuff because he was doing An Important Job

I agree with this. I don't have anxiety but it would piss me off and puzzle me, too –who on earth starts doing DIY on the breakfast table when there's food to be prepped and kids to be sorted?

Those saying how could this possibly make you feel anxious, why does the OP need support, etc, perhaps a) thank your lucky stars you don't have anxiety and b) try a tiny bit of imagination and sympathy for those who do.

gandalf456 · 21/09/2016 10:16

You aren't being abnormally anxious. Your dh is jus being an absolute prat. If you didn't have anxiety, you'd see that rather than blame yourself

SleepFreeZone · 21/09/2016 10:18

Plus for some of the posters who are unfazed by this, they probably live in a house with a vast kitchen where the table is metres away across the kitchen.

If you have a small kitchen with limited workspace, I imagine two adults, one upset child, a tin of opened paint and a door laying on its side might be quite stressful 🙄

Glittered · 21/09/2016 10:19

To be fair, if you made kids lunch boxes the night before then I'm sure that would lessen your anxiety during the morning rush?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/09/2016 10:19

I don't think this is an anxiety issue. It is a bleeding common sense one. When it is a busy time and people have to use a space quickly because they are up against a deadline (e.g. have to leave for school or work) you don't block up that space doing a job that does not have to be done immediately. Similarly you don't opt out of the morning tasks to do something unecessary leaving your partner to rush around picking up your share too otherwise everyone will be late.

DH has a bit of form for this as he tends to focus on whatever task he spots or is thinking about rather than what needs to be done next. I tend to say "that won't get us out of the door on time please focus on priortity tasks" - which is the polite version of "stop faffing with unnecessary crap and focus on getting the DC out of the door on time with everything they need."

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/09/2016 10:20

priority not priortity

MagikarpetRide · 21/09/2016 10:21

Thinking about it, I think you're letting your anxiety take the blame here and he is using it as ammunition against you.

Removing your anxiety from the situation. Without warning you he's decided to start work on a project that easily could have been started 30 minutes later which means that not only do you have to get yourself ready, but your DD. That project is taking place in the place you need to get things ready, making even more work for you. He then proceeds to ignore a simple request from your DD because he is busy doing said project. That would make a lot of people irritated.

Essentially he's been a rude twat and is now using your anxiety as the problem rather than acknowledging he should have handled the situation better.

willconcern · 21/09/2016 10:23

Agree with MagikarpetRide.

Your anxiety is masking the real issue here.

I don't suffer from anxiety, but if my DP took a door off, laid it on the table at 8 am, and started to paint it while I and DCs were trying to have breakfast and get to work and school, I'd lose my rag!

MammouthTask · 21/09/2016 10:24

The first thing that came to my mind was that clearly

1- he doesn't feel in any shape or form responsible for doing the school run. His wants trump everyone else's (so he has decided to pain the door this is what he is doing, regardless of whether it is an appropriate time to do so)
2- he doesn't care if he what he is doing has some negative effects on others (Using all the kitchen space during school run time would have me shouting too. And I don't have any MH issue to content with. It's just that I need to space in the kitchen to have b'fast, prepare pack lunches etc...)
3- even though he is a SAHD, you are the one to deal with the school run, pack lunches etc... When does he do the 'parenting' side of being a SAHP exactely, like not ignoring his own dd asking for something?
4- If there is an issue, it's your fault. He is happy to upset you and make you cry and THEN blame it on you and tell you 'you just don't want to get better' :(:(

How is the counselling going?

MammouthTask · 21/09/2016 10:25

And YY your anxiety isn't the problem.

I would get really angry at DH if he was doing any of those 4 points above, let alone all of them.

Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 10:25

glittered we do. Whoever isn't doing bed time does. I was feeling ill last night so didn't make my oen lunch til this morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 10:27

Own

OP posts:
Optimist3 · 21/09/2016 10:28

Your husband is a plonker. Fancy starting DIY before the school run when it should be all hands to the deck.

MrsJayy · 21/09/2016 10:29

DH can be this thoughtless We got up 1 school morning to Dh with screwdriver in hand whatya doing dh oh the bathroom door has been sticking im just away to sand it urm noyernotbeatit Grin

HyacinthFuckit · 21/09/2016 10:30

The problem here isn't your anxiety, but his stupidity. Painting a door on the kitchen table when everyone is trying to eat and get ready is, at absolute best, asinine. And this is if I'm being charitable and assuming he wasn't attempting to get out of doing something else.

MammouthTask · 21/09/2016 10:30

Re the fact it shouldn't be an issue to paint the door during school run.

That's OK if

  • you don't have b'fast
  • or have such a big kitchen that there are other surfaces available for you to prepare b'fast and eat it. This is not the case in my house. It doesn't seem to be in the OP's house either.
  • packed lunches have being prepared by the SAHP and there is nothing left to do/prepare in the kitchen
  • A parent doesn't deliberately ignore his child because they can't be bothered
  • The person who is doing the DIY job has checked with their partner first if they are happy with that (That's what is called politeness)
hmcAsWas · 21/09/2016 10:31

I do wish people who are thoroughly ignorant about anxiety (eg Blanche), would recognise their lack of insight and refrain from commenting

MammouthTask · 21/09/2016 10:32

So on the top of it, you weren't well yesterday and he knew it.
Shall I guess he didn't even ask you how you were this am and if you needed help?