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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my husband not to do this

174 replies

limon · 21/09/2016 09:24

I suffer with anxiety which is worst in the mornings .

This morning I felt very overwhelmed and I need as much routine and cam as possible to cope

Dh is a sahp and we are doing the house up.

This morning he'd taken a door off, put it on the kitchen table and started painting it at 8.00

I asked him (nicely) if, as I was feeling anxious, trying to make my sandwiches for lunch and a cup of tea, while DD nagged me for an apple cutter which I couldn't find, he would mind not starting painting until after the school run as I found it a bit too much to handle first thing.

His response was to blame me for being anxious and tell me how hard he finds it to live with.

I asked nicely again - telling him I need a little support - and he still didn't get it, was really short with me, and carried on painting.

I am ready to accept iabu (I guess a lot of people would be happy he's painting) but all I want is a little support and to delay painting for half an hour, considering he has from half nine til 3pm to do it.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 21/09/2016 10:36

I have had my fair share of anxiety difficulties in the past. So I can truly empathise how important the morning routine is. And by doing what he did, he messed up the routine, which messed up the day. I really get that.

I am currently well and my anxiety is well under control. But one of my triggers is a chaotic start to the day. So everything for school is laid out the night before etc etc. If my dh was then to start a diy job in the middle of the morning routine, then yes, it would trigger a response.

I must add that I am the diyer in the family. I love painting and decorating. In fact I'm off to Homebase in a bit to pick up testers and bits for the next project - dd's bedroom.

But painting when kids are about is a tough gig. So your dh is a plonker for even trying. His reactions to you tell you that he just doesn't get it.

VeryPunny · 21/09/2016 10:40

I suspect your anxiety would be much lessened if your "D"H wasn't such a dickhead, to be honest.

Original poster

limon · 21/09/2016 10:41

Yes mammoth I was off sick Monday and Tuesday with stress. Because of this morning I have stayed off today too although I intended to go in today

OP posts:

Sparklesilverglitter · 21/09/2016 10:42

I assume you want the house done up too and I know when we renovated I was up starting early to get it finished so I can understand why he started early.

Him supporting you with aniexty doesn't mean him not paint in the door, I am wondering how that makes your aniexty worse.

Do try and get that GP appointment, your aniexty is clearly a big issue and they may be able to offer you some help

Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse · 21/09/2016 10:43

Setting aside the fact that painting a door on the table at breakfast time is nuts, it doesn't sound like the anxiety is being controlled with your current medication. My mum has suffered terribly for the last few years and has only recently received a correct diagnosis. She had an extremely elevated level of cortisol which was causing the anxiety, but the elevated cortisol was in turn being caused by a complicated combination of two physical problems, both of which were not life threatening and very much treatable with the right medication. No amount of SSRIs would have helped her until they got to the bottom of the real cause. No more SSRIs, properly controlled health issues with right medication, no more high cortisol and very very much reduced anxiety. Is it worth getting the GP to have a rethink on the causes, it might not be what they think it is?

Eatthecake · 21/09/2016 10:45

I've got the day off today to paint the hall way, and I started at 8am before the DC had left for school, I want it over and done with! So I can completely understand why he started early.

I have suffered with aniexty in the past, but I am struggling to understand how a door being painted caused your aniexty to get worse.

Think you need to see the GP and look for some ways to overcome the aniexty if it's that bad for you

Pettywoman · 21/09/2016 10:45

I don't have anxiety, but I'd have a few choice words to say to DH if he started painting a door on the kitchen table before school. YANBU! It's bad enough getting them ready at the best of times.

YokoUhOh · 21/09/2016 10:45

I don't have anxiety and this would have put my blood pressure through the roof. for you OP (sorry no advice, DH is a bit like this).

Youarenotprepared · 21/09/2016 10:47

I think it would piss me off regardless of anxiety. Mornings are stressful and ideally both parents should be in all hands on deck mode sorted out themselves and the kids until the school run is done. It makes everything about a thousand times easier.

Pinkheart5915 · 21/09/2016 10:47

When we done our house up we always started early 7/7:30am as we started early and got it done so I can see why he started early.

If your aniexty is that bad him painting a door makes you unable to cope, you need to see your GP and look at any medication your taking and find a way forward to deal with it

Original poster

limon · 21/09/2016 10:49

eatthecake if one of your family that you love asked you to wait half an hour because it stressed them out, presumably you wouldn't blame them for the stress and just carry on?

OP posts:

RockinHippy · 21/09/2016 10:50

Nothing to do with your anxiety at all, he is an inconsiderate arse, end of. Who the hell paints a door on a kitchen table, let alone at the busiest times of day, thats what isn't normal, not your reaction to it.

I'm wondering about your anxiety though, do you know that there can be a physical cause for this & coming on the back of PND etc, I really think you need to get your B12 levels checked, especially as by the sounds of it you are easily overwhelmed & sensitive to smells etc too. PND & anxiety are on the long list of frequent misdiagnosis for Pernicious Anaemia & B12 deficiency & Nitrous Oxide used in childbirth depletes B12, as does pregnancy itself - its what kick started my own ill health & its taken many years & DD becoming very ill to finally get a correct diagnosis.

Also, when you say ill, what where you ill with ?

Low potassium can be a cause of anxiety too, so D&V can certainly make that worse, as can hot weather. I have this problem too, finally getting investigated for it as there is no reason for my potassium to be constantly low. I can feel when it drops further & literally throws me into fighting a full on panic attack over nothing in particular. Taking Diaralyte can settle it again quickly.

Ask your GP to check your B12, Folate, Iron & Potassium levels (they all work together & can cause these symptoms) Do get print outs of your results though, as "Normal" B12 can vary from place to place & GPs frequently misunderstand the results - I will be back with a B12 info link that hopefully will help you understand this & see if this can be a likely possibility

usual · 21/09/2016 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 21/09/2016 10:52

I agree with a pp.

It's just common sense not to do this, isn't it?

The whole thing could have been avoided.

As to then blaming your illness.

He doesn't sound very nice.

I'm sure that he does find it difficult when your anxiety is triggered by completely unforeseen things.

This isn't one of them though.

MadamDrag0n · 21/09/2016 10:52

I'd be fuming if DP decided to start painting at that time of day and I don't have anxiety. I feel your pain though cos I've not got a usable kitchen while my DP is repairing stuff atm except that he's at work and I have to work around the mess

redskytonight · 21/09/2016 10:53

Maybe he started early so he can finish earlier, and it's all cleared away by tea time?
I would really hate having planned to do a task in a certain way and then being asked to change it because others couldn't work round it. I'm presuming if he was on the kitchen table you had kitchen work top to do your sandwiches on. He'd already fed DD so her needs weren't a consideration (I'd be ignoring a child who'd already had breakfast and suddenly wanted to start coring apples).

I agree with others that you need to go back to your GP if a small blip in your routine is causing you such problems.

RockinHippy · 21/09/2016 10:53

B12 Info Link in HERE

Eatthecake · 21/09/2016 10:54

Of course i love my family but I am the one painting and I don't see how me paining could stress DH out so my response would be that he was welcome to paint instead if he wanted.
If I'm doing a job then I'm doing it, if he wants to tell me when I'm allowed to do it he is more than welcome to pick up the roller himself.

That's how I'd deal with it, I do appreciate our situations are different though.

diddl · 21/09/2016 10:55

"If your aniexty is that bad him painting a door makes you unable to cope,"

It's absolutely not that though is it & that sounds just how Op's husband would see it.

It's the taking over the kitchen & leaving Op to get herself & her daughter ready.

MrsJayy · 21/09/2016 10:58

Blaming the Ops illness is what the op husband did she doesn't need to go back to the Gp. painting a door on a kitchen table while people are using the kitchen is ridiculous.

missyB1 · 21/09/2016 10:59

What on earth possessed him to occupy the kitchen table doing DIY at breakfast time? Jeepers I would have chewed his head off! Mornings are manic for most parents, he needed to stop and think about the rest of the family and what was happening with them.

Original poster

limon · 21/09/2016 11:00

eatthecake he was painting a door with gloss paint on the kitchen table at breakfast time. Our kitchen isn't big enough to work around that.

redsky I dont generally ignore our daughter. She wanted some fruit. A fair request I think.

OP posts:

usual · 21/09/2016 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2kids2dogsnosense · 21/09/2016 11:02

Agree with gleam - what a sodding stupid thing to do on the kitchen table.

He could have waited half and hour - better still, he could have sorted the kids' breakfasts etc or looked for the apple thing. Or he could have put the door somewhere else to paint (my DH paints doors in situ with newspaper underneath them to catch any drips- why did it have to come off?).

YANBU

He is being an arse.

flippinada · 21/09/2016 11:02

Sorry you are having to put up with this OP. I really don't think you are the problem here.

If this had to be done, why on earth couldn't it have waited half an hour until everyone was out the door?

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