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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband not to do this

174 replies

limon · 21/09/2016 09:24

I suffer with anxiety which is worst in the mornings .

This morning I felt very overwhelmed and I need as much routine and cam as possible to cope

Dh is a sahp and we are doing the house up.

This morning he'd taken a door off, put it on the kitchen table and started painting it at 8.00

I asked him (nicely) if, as I was feeling anxious, trying to make my sandwiches for lunch and a cup of tea, while DD nagged me for an apple cutter which I couldn't find, he would mind not starting painting until after the school run as I found it a bit too much to handle first thing.

His response was to blame me for being anxious and tell me how hard he finds it to live with.

I asked nicely again - telling him I need a little support - and he still didn't get it, was really short with me, and carried on painting.

I am ready to accept iabu (I guess a lot of people would be happy he's painting) but all I want is a little support and to delay painting for half an hour, considering he has from half nine til 3pm to do it.

OP posts:
Halle71 · 21/09/2016 11:51

I don't have anxiety but I am the most stressed in our relationship and my DH does stuff like this. He does things that are good and need doing, but at really inappropriate times then looks bewildered when I pull him up for it. A common one will be, we have people arriving for lunch in, say, an hour. I'm not dressed, the house is a tip, my 7 year old needs help finishing her last bit of homework......and he starts washing the car/watering the garden etc.

The car might be filthy and he needs it clean for work the following day but his time management is appalling.

RunningLulu · 21/09/2016 11:55

OP it's not that he can't clean, he won't. What someone said about him being passive aggressive is right. You guys prob need to see a marriage counsellor

Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 11:58

Lulu we already are.

OP posts:
2016Hopeful · 21/09/2016 12:00

Well I think you are totally within your rights not to expect him to paint on the breakfast table first thing. I don't think your anxiety is the issue here. Nothing sounds very balanced, he has everyday to himself but can't wait a bit to start on the DIY. He should be helping you and your daughter in the morning. It seems a bit of an unfair arrangement.

mrstiggy · 21/09/2016 12:03

I have no issues with anxiety (although I'm not great at being stressed in the mornings) and I would have been pretty pissed at him starting a chore like that in the middle of getting ready for school. No one wants to be dancing around gloss paint when getting everyone dressed and ready to a deadline! I personally think your reaction to what he did is pretty normal actually.

I guess only part where we become different is where I would have stropped off to work telling him he was being incredibly bloody unhelpful you ended with taking a day off work to get over it, but I'm guessing that's where your diagnosis comes into play, so maybe see the doc to check if anything else can be done to help you.
But don't let him convince you that most people would be fine with his timing and this is all on you, as the last thing you want is a situation where your needs are walked all over constantly because you are scared your husband will shout you down if you object and blame your illness. That's not teamwork.

SapphireStrange · 21/09/2016 12:07

I'm the breadwinner and do the bulk of cleabing and tidying. It's not working for me.

Well then you need to sort it out. Both of you, I mean. How's the counselling going?

reallyanotherone · 21/09/2016 12:17

So he's not really a sahp is he? If the bulk of the household chores are still left to you.

He either needs to pull his weight at home, or get a job. Otherwise you need to think hiw exactly it is benefitting you to have him living with you and contibuting nothing.

Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 12:24

He does some housework and all the food shopping. He's also doing most of the renovation.

There does need to be a beer balance but moving out isn't an option for either of us

OP posts:
Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 12:25

Better not beer.

OP posts:
Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 12:27

He's here to do school runs because I can't be and he does the weekly food shop and some housework.

OP posts:
Tumtitum · 21/09/2016 12:28

OP I don't have anxiety but I would find that difficult! I need to have a quiet gentle introduction to the day otherwise I feel very frazzled!! He could have chosen a less intrusive place to paint it as well!

Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 12:28

saphire the counselling is good when we go but he won't do any of the suggested exercises at home.

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 21/09/2016 12:29

Why, OP?

I have to say he's sounding less and less impressive.

MagikarpetRide · 21/09/2016 12:29

Ok, so he's not really a sahp but he's your renovator that helps out a bit with housework. I know renovations are a nightmare, but parenting should come first or failing that some basic politeness. I suspect your anxiety is being used as an excuse for other things, it's probably good you've realised to check on this case with others as it may help a bit better on your future therapy sessions.

Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 12:35

magik he is really. He takes her to school and picks her up (four days a week) and looks after her from 3.30.

He definitely doesn't spend the rest of the day cleaning - I get to do the bathrooms and give the kitchen a really good clean at weekends. He cleans the floors once a week and always does the food shop.

If it were me I would be doing a couple of hours cleaning, shopping, doing laundry every day during the week but he has different standards.

OP posts:
CockacidalManiac · 21/09/2016 12:38

It actually sounds, with the other stuff that you've said, that he either doesn't seem to care; or, worse, he's actively trying to trigger your anxiety.
At the very least, he sounds thoughtless.

MagikarpetRide · 21/09/2016 12:45

I must confess I don't spend all day cleaning. Having said that the only tasks that are left at the end of the day are those dh prefers to do (dishwasher stacking and laundry are his thing, and he does them really well). But if something is too much for either of us the other one lends a hand. Even if that hand is taking the dc somewhere so the other one gets a chance to clean!

Seems like you're missing that balance. I can't imagine my dh coming home from a hard week at work, suffering with illness and still expecting him to do a lot of housework. Not through some martyrness but because I wouldn't want the shoe on the other foot.

The kindest thing dh said to me when my anxiety was bad was that he didn't care if the house was a tip or there was no food as long as the dc were alive at the end of the day Grin took the pressure off immensely.

flippinada · 21/09/2016 12:47

Have you ever considered what your life would be like without him OP?

You could get a childminder to do school drop off and pick up. There may also be other options like breakfast and/or after school club.

You can get your weekly food shop delivered.

If you're working FT and don't have a lot of time for housework you could get a cleaner in - it doesn't have to cost a fortune.

Realistically, you will probably have less money but you also won't have to put up with shit like this.

PlantpotPookins · 21/09/2016 13:13

So he has all day to do as he pleases? Does he not do anything alse besides painting the door and doing up the house?

UsernameHistory · 21/09/2016 13:49

Ie he's making me default parent while he prioritises door painting.

So, could you paint the door or is this the best split of abilities?

RB68 · 21/09/2016 13:57

I see a complete PITA trying to do something completely inappropriate at a time when people are trying to use the kitchen and do normal stuff like get ready for school and work - he should be sorting the kids if he is a SAHP and getting on with getting brekkie for them and sorting them for school - completely ridiculous and I would most def had more than a quiet word with him - sounds like he has more issues than you!

MrsLupo · 21/09/2016 14:05

So just to recap, because I'm late to this thread:

  • after a series of miscarriages, you nearly died having his child, and have since been treated for PTSD
  • you are the sole breadwinner in a high stress job
  • you had already taken time off this week because of stress and were trying to get back to work this morning, having not felt well enough to do any prep for this morning last night, and despite knowing this he hadn't done it either because it wasn't 'his turn'
  • he's a 'sahp' but he doesn't do much housework and you have to split sorting the kids out for school with him 50/50
  • his response to you flipping out at this morning's crassness, which most people on this thread have said would drive them nuts, was to tell you ' you don't really want to get well'. Shock

It sounds to me like your DH is the source of the anxiety, OP, and unless you want them to surgically remove him, I can't see how a trip to the doctors would help.

Apart from doors that don't need painting, what does he bring to the table, OP? Do you love him? Does he love you? Are there any good bits in this picture?

MrsLupo · 21/09/2016 14:22

If I'm being the most charitable I can bring myself to be, do you think your DH may be suffering with untreated anxiety or PTSD himself, OP? Did he get any help in the aftermath of what happened to you? Because in the nicest possible way, he doesn't seem to me to really be engaging with life properly - he's a sahp but he doesn't take responsibility for running the home or doing the parenting, he's wasting time on unnecessary make-work projects, he can't cope with any weakness on your part even to the extent of normal supportiveness, etc. Just a thought.

flippinada · 21/09/2016 14:49

I agree MrsLupo

Username what has that to do with anything? Many people are able to parent and run a household quite successfully without painting doors, it's not an essential life skill. And even if it absolutely has to be done why would you do it in such a way as to cause maximum inconvenience to everyone else you live with?

Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 15:08

flipinada separating means 50/50 custody. I am not prepared to do that. I would rather work on it.

OP posts: