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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband not to do this

174 replies

limon · 21/09/2016 09:24

I suffer with anxiety which is worst in the mornings .

This morning I felt very overwhelmed and I need as much routine and cam as possible to cope

Dh is a sahp and we are doing the house up.

This morning he'd taken a door off, put it on the kitchen table and started painting it at 8.00

I asked him (nicely) if, as I was feeling anxious, trying to make my sandwiches for lunch and a cup of tea, while DD nagged me for an apple cutter which I couldn't find, he would mind not starting painting until after the school run as I found it a bit too much to handle first thing.

His response was to blame me for being anxious and tell me how hard he finds it to live with.

I asked nicely again - telling him I need a little support - and he still didn't get it, was really short with me, and carried on painting.

I am ready to accept iabu (I guess a lot of people would be happy he's painting) but all I want is a little support and to delay painting for half an hour, considering he has from half nine til 3pm to do it.

OP posts:
MistressMerryWeather · 21/09/2016 11:03

DH would have ended up with the door, paint tin and brush shoved roughly up his arse in that situation.

Anxiety or no yanbu. Not even a bit.

Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 11:04

It didn't have to be done. We've lived here 5 years with it and it's perfectly fine. It's a non essential job.

OP posts:
MagikarpetRide · 21/09/2016 11:05

I'm the painter in my house but if I just started painting when I felt like it 'because I'm the painter' and left dh to everything I think my dh would have some strong words with me too.

He probably wouldn't if I had the politeness to say 'I'd like to make an early start on the painting today, do you mind taking the slack?'.

FeralBeryl · 21/09/2016 11:07

Sorry this has set you back Limon Flowers

This would make incredibly anxious, I struggle with mornings as it is and have to have a strict routine to get everyone out alive

If he had to absolutely paint while you were all still there, knowing how you are feeling at the moment he should have discussed it with you last night in order to prepare you.

However, it's a fucking ridiculous idea. The kids could have brushed against the door in their uniforms if nothing else.

jay55 · 21/09/2016 11:10

Painting stinks and so doing it in the kitchen at meals times is just shitty.

RepentAtLeisure · 21/09/2016 11:12

I think it's interesting that the first couple of replies here are basically saying she's being U about him doing DIY at 8am, when on another current thread people are calling a woman U for trying to clean at 8am - without anyone around her trying to get to work...

BaldBaby1970 · 21/09/2016 11:13

I get you OP. The mornings are the worst aren't they. Cortisol is peaking and all that. It was dim of him to be do anything other than helping with the morning pre-school/pre-work routine.

If he is the SAHP and you are working why is he not sorting out breakfasts, uniforms, book-bags. That's how it worked when my DH was the SAHD and when I was the SAHM.

flippinada · 21/09/2016 11:16

I get you limon. I had an XP who used to do stuff like this.

And you're not unreasonable at all in asking for a bit of consideration. He doesn't sound very kind and the comment about you not wanting to get better (I had that too) is plain nasty.

From what you say it sounds like there's more going on.

SapphireStrange · 21/09/2016 11:17

If he is the SAHP and you are working why is he not sorting out breakfasts, uniforms, book-bags.

I wondered about this too.

Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 11:21

If he is the SAHP and you are working why is he not sorting out breakfasts, uniforms, book-bags

Because we take it in turns alternate days. Whoever isn't doing bed time makes the sandwiches for her school Lunch.

I take care of uniform prep because he doesn't tend to use stain remover so they end up not clean - this is fime by me as I have higher standards and don't mind doing it.

Whoever has done bed time the night before gets up with her and gets her ready while the other one showers.

If I leave prep stuff to him it gets missed or forgotten so I tend to get her book bag ready.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/09/2016 11:21

I do wonder if the OP hadn't mentioned anxiety and had simply posted
"AIBU to think DH is being an arse painting a door on the kitchen table at 8am in the middle of the school run he should be helping with" what the responses would have been.

I think the anxiety is a bit of a red herring - it was bad timing by her DH.

Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 11:24

I guess I'm used to being told it's my anxiety at fault.

I am very intolerant of loud noise and mess when I'm anxious.

I'm the breadwinner and do the bulk of cleabing and tidying. It's not working for me.

OP posts:
MrsDrSpencerReid · 21/09/2016 11:28

It's not the fact that he's 'painting a door', it's that he's doing it on the kitchen table, at breakfast time, in a small kitchen and left OP to get their DD ready for school.

I'm a SAHP and I had a DIY house project the other week. I didn't start work on it until after the school run each day. DH would have been Hmm if I'd left him to get himself and the DC ready while I stood around painting!

Flowers for you OP

Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 11:29

chaz yes you're right - but it was my reaction which was to get really overwhelmed and a bit shakey that I think made me feel my anxiety was being triggered.

OP posts:
RubbleBubble00 · 21/09/2016 11:31

I wouldn't have used my anxiety. I would have told him I'm trying to use the bloody kitchen to do lunches, get dc sorted and get my breakfast. Not time for him to paint the table

RunningLulu · 21/09/2016 11:31

I think you need to review your share of the household responsibilities. As SAHP he has to do more around the house, not just the 'manly' work. If he's crap at uniform prep then tough- he must get better. Else he needs to go out and get a job. Anxiety is often made worse by stress and pressure and unrealistic expectations.

RubbleBubble00 · 21/09/2016 11:32

On the table

BabooshkaKate · 21/09/2016 11:32

OP do you always link everything to your anxiety? Your DP was being a twat, end of. I can see how it would become wearing if everything was about you feeling anxious. I suffer from anxiety myself so believe me I know the feeling. When my DP swerved into me as a "joke" during a bike ride in the park it did make me anxious - but it was also dangerous and that's what I led with.

That being said I do wonder if he is being passive aggressive? Panting a door INSIDE on a busy morning just baffles me and I think he did it as a dig at you, regardless of whether it was conscious or not.

I also wonder if your anxiety is being triggered and exacerbated by your DP. Do you feel better when he's not there?

verystressedmum · 21/09/2016 11:34

I don't have anxiety and this would totally stress me out if I had to get child ready for school and get ready for work while the sahp painted on the kitchen table Confused

I'm a sahp and it wouldn't occur to me to do this. Dh is great and does loads but if he was getting ready to go to work I'd do my bit and sort the kids out. It's about helping each other and doing what needs to be done. Unless he said he wants to start early then at least you'd know. It's not about permission it's about courtesy and respect and realising the morning is hectic and not doing things which make it worse.

Interesting that he forgets to use stain remover do you do the uniforms and forgets things so you have to do the school bags etc.

Original poster
limon · 21/09/2016 11:35

babooshka yes I do :(

lulu have been over and over it with him. To no avail.

OP posts:
MistressMerryWeather · 21/09/2016 11:37

I guess I'm used to being told it's my anxiety at fault.

Don't fall into that trap.

I also suffer from anxiety and it's important to remember that just because something triggers it doesn't mean it's irrational. You just get anxious instead of pissed off.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/09/2016 11:43

It may be that your anxiety was being triggered but it wasn't unreasonable for your anxiety levels to rise under the circumstances. Your DH was being unreasonable and inconsiderate in a way that made your life more difficult and stressful than it should be. I don't suffer from anxiety but the same scenario would have pushed my stress levels up a fair bit.
There was a legitimate trigger for your anxiety, you weren't making a fuss about nothing. Don't let your DH downplay your reaction to him being an arse by dismissing it as anxiety.

SatsukiKusakabe · 21/09/2016 11:45

Yy to comments above - anxious people can also have valid concerns about things that are not irrational. I think if you have fallen into the trap of being too self-effacing it makes it easier for others to dismiss your feelings. It sounds like you have taken to heart his comments about how hard your anxiety makes things, and feel as if you can't be assertive about things that are bothering you without apologising for yourself first.

Anxiety is a red herring here. You made a reasonable request and he used your anxiety as an excuse for giving you an unreasonable answer.

MagikarpetRide · 21/09/2016 11:45

The problem with anxiety, well a problem, is that often it's easy to blame everything on it. However even if your trigger was irrational, it doesn't make it your fault.

Fwiw dh and I have always split housework into who does things best. He tends to do most of the morning things with dc even though I'm the sahp. This is largely because he refuses to change his morning routine which means clogging up our only bathroom for 40 mins. He could go in the bathroom earlier, but he won't. As he refuses, then he has to sort them out in the time I get myself ready. When I'm done, I pitch in. He often expresses surprise that in mornings he has to go to work early I manage to do it all without him - it's amazing what 40 extra minutes in the morning with no one in your way gets you!

It doesn't sound like your dh is in any way being supportive of you Flowers

SouthDownsSunshine · 21/09/2016 11:47

Anxiety or not, your dh is bring a bit of a fool trying to paint a door in the kitchen in the midst of you getting the kids ready for school. Frankly, that's a bit bonkers of him and asking for paint on school uniform etc!

There are some posters here who clearly don't understand what it's like to live with anxiety. I can well imagine how it would have made this morning seem super challenging.