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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be irritated that DSis is living with Mum and Dad

123 replies

oopsIdiditagain21 · 20/09/2016 10:56

She is 44 and single and been back with them for about a year after moving out of a rented flat because the landlord was selling up. She works part time and my Mum thinks it will give her chance to save money for a deposit. All I hear though is how hard my poor sister works, how she has cooked a lovely tea, blah, blah.Mum and Dad do all the shopping and Dsis is using my Mum's car to get to work. On top of this, when my dc go to stay my dd has to sleep on a mattress in the study as sister now has the room she used to have which makes dd not so keen on going as she can't get to sleep. If I invite them over Dsis comes too and if I go there Dsis is there too. I have tried to be tolerant really resent this situation and find myself resenting my Dsis more and more. DMum just gets upset/defensive if I try to discuss this.

OP posts:

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 20/09/2016 11:00

If you're parents are happy with the situation then it's really none of your business.

JenLindleyShitMom · 20/09/2016 11:01

Why do you resent it? is it because your DD has to sleep on a mattress in the study? That's no different than a mattress on a bed is it? If your parents and sister are happy with the arrangement it's their business isn't it?

PovertyPain · 20/09/2016 11:02

Wow. The jealousy is jumping of the page, OP. Do you think your sister likes living with her parents and being by herself at her age? Where would you like her to sleep when your dd is there. I assume you want a grown woman to sleep on a mattress on the floor, every time your dd is visiting? Stop making your dd resent her aunt, that's very cruel to all involved.

TheVirginQueen · 20/09/2016 11:02

My brother was a lot more supportive when i had to live with my m&d.

AndShesGone · 20/09/2016 11:03

Where does the resentment come from?

You have a kid and your own life, look how successful you are that you don't have to

Fairylea · 20/09/2016 11:03

Does it matter, really?! So jealous. I'm sure they would do the same for you if you needed their help- or do you feel that they wouldn't, is that part of it?

Sparklesilverglitter · 20/09/2016 11:03

Do you and your sister not get on?

If parents and your sister are happy with her living there, why do you resent it so much?

I don't see what's wrong with them commenting that X made them a nice tea

nosyupnorth · 20/09/2016 11:04

I take it you don't have a good relationship with your sister if her mere presence with your parents (even when you aren't around!) inspires this much resentment.
YABVU

0nTheEdge · 20/09/2016 11:05

Why do you resent it so much? Is it that you feel she's getting an easy ride? Did you get on with your sister before this? If everyone else is happy with the situation, then I think you are being unreasonable tbh. She sounds like she is pulling her weight and bringing some joy to your parents, which is surely a good thing? Can you try to enjoy the joining in all together when you go round or does she just irritate you to much? You're only human, and if you can't help but feel annoyed by the situation, then that is what it is. Try not to make a big deal of it with everyone else though as you'll come off looking really bad.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 20/09/2016 11:05

From what you've wrote your DSis has done nothing wrong. She needed somewhere to stay, your parents offered and they all seem happy with the arrangement. What's the problem?

0phelia · 20/09/2016 11:06

YABVU

And you should be more supportive while your sister is going through such a difficult time.

Birdsgottafly · 20/09/2016 11:07

It's your Parents house, they've taken one in of their children, you're going to have to get over this.

My Adult DDs have been at different life stages, my middle one came back to live with me and I've had to tell my eldest DD in no uncertain terms that how I choose to Parent each of them, is my choice.

My eldest has had a surprise relationship breakdown and I'm doing my best to support her (and sorting out free accommodation), so her opinion has now changed and she sees what has been done previously is for the best.

Is your Dsis in danger of developing depression etc? Is that why she's tagging along.

I felt shit at 44, because of the Peri-Menopause. Do you know what could be going on with her?

Hedgehogparty · 20/09/2016 11:08

Your sister doesn't sound like she's in a good situation.
I'd back off from criticism - hopefully she'll be in her own place again before too long

Original poster

oopsIdiditagain21 · 20/09/2016 11:08

I'm not really bothered about the mattress as dd rarely sleeps there anyway. It is more the fact that I feel I cannot do anything with my parents without my Dsis being there. I am not remotely jealous of her and appreciate that she is in a crappy situation.

OP posts:

wigglesrock · 20/09/2016 11:09

Why do you resent it? My sister and her child have moved back to my parents following a marriage break up and she is saving for a bit. I'm glad we're lucky enough to have parents that can support them for a bit and Christ I wouldn't like to go back and live with mine no matter how much I love them - it would not so slowly drive me insane living in someone else's house after being used to my own.

The room your daughter slept in was your parents spare room, it's now not spare - it's being used by your parents child, it's their house.

I can understand you maybe feeling a bit pushed out, but I'd assume your parents are trying to do their best?

MyPatronusIsABadger · 20/09/2016 11:11

I have a situation similar to yours and can't quite put it into words.
In mine it's that it's so unfair that the person has to work all day AND make dinner (which they can't possibly be expected to do), that they can't work AND do washing, tidying or cleaning as well or how it's unfair that houses are expensive.
And yes, if I got let off with having to tidy, cook or clean I'd take the chance, but it seems unfair. So if its a bit of jealousy although it's not great and is unreasonable I do get it.
However, I'm sure there are some freedoms your dsis doesn't have with living at home. Or your parents like it and feel busy so that's nice for them. To be honest I wouldn't complain about the mattress thing, I don't think that's the issue and it's not really bad either.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 20/09/2016 11:13

Sorry but you do sound jealous.

JenLindleyShitMom · 20/09/2016 11:13

I feel I cannot do anything with my parents without my Dsis being there

You're (presumably) a fully grown adult, what do you need to be doing that you need your parents' undivided attention for? It sounds incredibly childish tbh. I have two boys (7 and 11) and they know they share me, I can't remember the last time they squabbled over my attention. I think it's time you outgrew this. Relationships change when children become adults.

Squeegle · 20/09/2016 11:14

Sibling rivalry is always close to the surface! I quite understand how you feel, although YAB completely U. I think you know that! You're scared that you are now coming second best. It's normal to feel like this, but try and throw it off, it's not healthy.

CousinCharlotte · 20/09/2016 11:15

Perhaps it suits you're parents to have your sister living with them.

callycat1 · 20/09/2016 11:15

I don't really see what the problem is sorry :)

Lorelei76 · 20/09/2016 11:16

when I first read this I was a bit baffled

but now I think I get it - you used to have quality time with your folks and now someone else is there?

yes, I understand that. I am low contact with dad but if my sis was there every time I visited mum - much as I love my sis and see her loads anyway - it would change the dynamic. Time for 3 of us would be fine, but not all the time. Is that what you mean?

Original poster

oopsIdiditagain21 · 20/09/2016 11:17

She has put my parents through hell for years with various forms of self destruction. I have been there to pick up the pieces for years and years and finally had enough a couple of years ago. DSis cannot stand the fact I have a lovely DH and DC and is always making digs and trying to undermine me with my DC by being a 'cool' Aunty. Now she is still causing constant worry to my parents but under their roof.

OP posts:

Mishegoss · 20/09/2016 11:17

You sound like a child. You sister isn't doing anything wrong and ultimately who lives with your parents isn't really your business anyway. The only thing you need to do is get over these immature thoughts and feelings

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/09/2016 11:17

I do understand a tiny bit where the OP is coming from. Is it the 'opportunity' your sister is being given, OP, to 'save for her deposit', when you've had to work and live and save all alone? And the fear that your sister may never move out and is therefore getting something of a 'free ride'?

I know what it's like. My brother moved home with my mum and dad when his marriage broke up. He stayed there rent free, paid (some) bills but instantly borrowed the money back, drove their car on dad's insurance etc. I strugged financially, hugely, and still do. He still lives in the house, dad died some years back and he provides mother with company and physical assistance (and bitches that I don't help with this, although I live in another country), but still has rent free accommodation and bills covered. It grates a wee bit, I can tell you.

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