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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be irritated that DSis is living with Mum and Dad

123 replies

oopsIdiditagain21 · 20/09/2016 10:56

She is 44 and single and been back with them for about a year after moving out of a rented flat because the landlord was selling up. She works part time and my Mum thinks it will give her chance to save money for a deposit. All I hear though is how hard my poor sister works, how she has cooked a lovely tea, blah, blah.Mum and Dad do all the shopping and Dsis is using my Mum's car to get to work. On top of this, when my dc go to stay my dd has to sleep on a mattress in the study as sister now has the room she used to have which makes dd not so keen on going as she can't get to sleep. If I invite them over Dsis comes too and if I go there Dsis is there too. I have tried to be tolerant really resent this situation and find myself resenting my Dsis more and more. DMum just gets upset/defensive if I try to discuss this.

OP posts:

Atenco · 21/09/2016 00:52

Shiningexample BIL was well into his thirties with two children when he moved home and started living off his parents (who never complained), so I think he can accept responsibility for his choices. However, yes, here in Mexico, too many men are overprotected by their mothers and not allowed to grow up.

nursepearl · 21/09/2016 02:29

YABU because its your parents decision who lives in their house, but I totally understand how you feel. My sis still lived at home when she was 30 and basically still acted like she was a teenager. My mum did all the housework and cooking and sis never had to contribute to any household bills. This meant that she could have several foreign holidays a year, endless weekends away with friends and expensive hobbies. What's more my parents would brag to friends and family about her luxurious lifestyle! Meanwhile I'm the drudge working to pay rent and look after my kids with very little left over for luxuries.

What I'm trying to say is that you probably do feel a bit jealous and bitter and your parents are obviously happy with the situation so you can't really interfere, its their life, but it does suck, I know.

Namechangeforthisone1234 · 21/09/2016 03:12

I am not remotely jealous of her and appreciate that she is in a crappy situation.

Why are you being a bitch about it for then?

Longlost10 · 21/09/2016 03:54

It sounds like you are used to unlimited free babysitting on tap, and this is no longer working out so smoothly for you as there is no free bedroom exclusively for your child

smellsofelderberries · 21/09/2016 04:01

I think YABVU. My younger sister had to move back in with our Mum due to her life falling apart a bit. It is really hard at times for my Mum- my sister can be a bit emotionally explosive and took out a lot of frustrations on our Mum. I don't know if my sister pays my Mum rent or anything, because it's none of my business.
I'm so, so glad my sister had somewhere to go when the shit hit the fan for her. I have three siblings and we've all needed different support at different times, and I know none of us begrudge any support the others have been given, because we're family and we love each other.

buttonpossum · 21/09/2016 04:25

You know you sound like a jealous child don't you?

Your parents love you both but they are supporting your sister more right now because they feel she needs it. I do this with my DDs on a daily basis. Sometimes one of them needs my attention more than the others so that one gets more attention from me. The girls sometimes whine a bit about this and I explain this to them. But they are children so I understand this. You need to grow up!

trafalgargal · 21/09/2016 08:33

I wonder how you'd feel OP if your parents made it clear they disapproved of elements of you and your family's life. Would you meekly change things important to you to please them or would you think you were an adult and they had a bloody nerve to try to dictate to you about how you choose to do things in your own home.

If you expect your own decisions to be respected, why do you feel your parents are undeserving of the same respect ? Will you expect your children to respect your decisions further along the line or think they know better? What is your present attitude teaching them ?

dowhatnow · 21/09/2016 09:00

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting 1:1 time with just the parents. Even with a mentally healthy sibling, you need time to develop your individual relationships. Where there are problems and frustrations and everything revolves around one "broken" individual, this need is multiplied. You can be supportive of this person but still want to see other people without them there, sometimes. The op would be being unreasonable if she never wanted to see them together, but she hasn't said that. Sometimes she would like herself and her children to see her parents on their own.

londonrach · 21/09/2016 09:06

Yabu. Sounds like your parents are being very supportive. Is it because of your dd and the mattress. Of course someone living there full time gets the room. Camping on a mattress when visiting family was part of the fun in the 1980s when i was growing up.

DoinItFine · 21/09/2016 09:45

So you have a toxic sister you want distance from, but she is living with your parents, always around when you visit, and invites herself akong to your home if you ask them over.

So your relationship with your parents is being damaged by the constant presence of an adult sibling.

I'm not surprised you are pissed off.

I adore my sister, but if I never got to see my parents without her that would get really annoying.

If she was a negative presence in my life, I would be most unamused.

Why does she think it's OK to show up at your home uninvited?

I'd be making it crystal clear to her that 40 year old women can't presume that an invitation to ger parents includes her.

trafalgargal · 21/09/2016 09:46

So what is the problem with visiting your parents when your sister is at work ? You get the undivided attention you crave and sister doesn't get your jealous glares. Win, win.

DoinItFine · 21/09/2016 09:48

Yes, OP, why not pop around to see your parents in the short hours yoyr sister is at her part time job.

I'm sure you have nothing else to do.

podmax · 21/09/2016 09:55

Why on earth do you care so much? Would YOU like to be living back with your parents at 44? It's clearly not an ideal situation for her but if everyone is trying to make it work then surely that's a good thing.

You clearly don't like your sister!

DoinItFine · 21/09/2016 09:57

People are allowed not to like their siblings but still want a relationship with their parents.

What a weird thread.

DontMindMe1 · 21/09/2016 17:52

when my dc go to stay my dd has to sleep on a mattress in the study as sister now has the room she used to have which makes dd not so keen on going as she can't get to sleep

you dc sounds as spoilt and jealous as you do! How AWFUL to sleep on a MATTRESS in a ROOM! it makes no difference whether it's a 'bedroom' or 'study' for the odd occasions that she stays over. She doesn't live there and so should not 'expect' to always have her own room. Is the kid seriously thinking that an adult who LIVES there should always give up their bed for her? How entitled.

OP, i think you've just got used to always being 'number one' and getting all the attention and help you want/need - be that from your parents or friends or dh. Your dc have been getting all of grandparents attention as well - til now. It's about time you all realised that your parents have another child also - and she will never stop being their child.

It's your parents place to decide on boundaries etc. It isn't your job to manage their lives. If it makes you feel stressed/whatever then just stay out of it. You don't have to respond to your sister's comments - but you can be polite and civil.

your sister is not stopping you or your dc from spending quality with the grandparents. It's your own attitude that is.

DontMindMe1 · 21/09/2016 18:44

The more i read your posts the more you sound like my older, narcissistic sibling!

DSis cannot stand the fact I have a lovely DH and DC and is always making digs and trying to undermine me with my DC by being a 'cool' Aunty
This is your ASSUMPTION - it is not a fact!

Maybe, like my sis, you constantly make comments and passive aggressive digs aimed at her and use your kids to make her feel bad about herself?

With my sis, just like you she got herself a husband, a mortgage and kids...and to this day still believes that unless i follow her direction then i am lost. That without a degree and a 'professional' job i am just not as 'important' as her, that without a husband and kids i am nothing and my life is worthless.
The fact that i moved out at 19, was earning a ft wage and living independently and always have since seems to be forgotten.

whenever i have had problems she would jump at the chance to tell me that i ruined my life by not doings things 'properly'.

I doubt you know your sister well enough to judge her like this.

LyndaNotLinda · 21/09/2016 18:54

Why were taking my lack of life skills post as a personal slight?

I appreciate there's a lot of reasons that people end up living with their parents as adults but I was talking about the OP's sister who she says has: has put my parents through hell for years with various forms of self destruction.

So, no, that doesn't sound like someone who's learned adult life skills.

DontMindMe1 · 21/09/2016 19:01

By 'cool' Aunty I don't mean fun etc. I mean make the dc question our parental authority

Like what? I get accused of this also. What's really happening is my sis influencing and manipulating her dc into treating me and seeing me the way SHE does. Si then, naturally when you correct the dc, this gets twisted into 'undermining the parents authority"

Examples:

"Your aunt's life is a failure/big mess because she doesn't do x/y/z"
My response, "WE choose how to live our lives and if WE are happy with it then that;s all that matters"

"you aunt is 'haram' and will not be allowed in heaven, and cos she doesn't follow the koran anything she says or does is wrong"
my response is to share my own beliefs and values, and she HATES this because she doesn't want her dc to know that you can live a happy, successful life without being muslim.

"you HAVE to go uni, get a degree, a professional job, married, mortgage and kids - in that order. If you do things differently then you will fail and be a loser in life"
My response - you don't HAVE to do any of these things if YOU don't want to. So long as you are happy and content and pay your own way in life - THAT is what matters.

"your aunt has bf's instead of getting married, she behaves like a prositute"
Well, this one made me see red. So yes, i told my nieces how their mother did the same thing, had bf all through college and uni, had sex outside of marriage and lived 'in sin' with their father for 5 years before getting married. i brought out all of her hypocrisy for her dc to see and judge for themselves.

Now they know the real truth they can judge for themself - and that is what people like you hate.

DontMindMe1 · 21/09/2016 19:14

well she had enough life skills for all the other occasions, i think it's very insulting t o say that about her.

Maybe what she needs is more help in managing to live independently. Maybe, like me, she has undiagnosed ASD and instead of people giving her the right kind of help, they've always accused her of being lazy, directionless, destructive, a failure?

My ASD is high functioning, so everyone assumes that i should be able to do certain things which they consider to be 'normal' or 'right'. And because i've lived independently since age 19, i should know how to handle any crises that crops up without having to rely on anyone else. Luckily, i have never needed to move back in with my mum (other than a short stint when relocating).

However, i have enough empathy to understand that for others, dealing with day to day life management AND all the stress that comes with it is not always so 'easy' as others think. A crisis situation - losing job/bf etc can have a bigger impact on someone like this, and it is NOT wrong to seek the safety and security from those who love you.

LyndaNotLinda · 21/09/2016 19:41

Sorry, DontMind, I'm not really sure what you're talking about.

My point was that at the age of 44, no one can really want to move back home to live with their parents and perhaps the OP should try and be a bit kinder to her sister rather than resenting her. I am in absolute agreement that it isn't wrong to seek support from those who love you.

Your family don't sound very kind. I'm really sorry

DontMindMe1 · 21/09/2016 19:50

my point is - a 44 yr old moving back in with parents does NOT mean she lacks 'life skills'. It's an ignorant insult.

my family are not perfect - just like everyone elses. I've learnt how to deal with them, at age 36 i don't feel 'sorry' for myself in any way.

Waltermittythesequel · 21/09/2016 19:53

DontMind I think you're being a little hard on Lynda.

littleflamingo · 21/09/2016 20:02

You should be happy for having a sister and parents like yours! How many women end up in disgraceful relationships because they are not family orientated? Old parents left alone and brothers/sisters in difficult situations.

Why is it so wrong having the help of your family?

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