to be irritated that DSis is living with Mum and Dad

[oopsIdiditagain21]

She is 44 and single and been back with them for about a year after moving out of a rented flat because the landlord was selling up. She works part time and my Mum thinks it will give her chance to save money for a deposit. All I hear though is how hard my poor sister works, how she has cooked a lovely tea, blah, blah.Mum and Dad do all the shopping and Dsis is using my Mum's car to get to work. On top of this, when my dc go to stay my dd has to sleep on a mattress in the study as sister now has the room she used to have which makes dd not so keen on going as she can't get to sleep. If I invite them over Dsis comes too and if I go there Dsis is there too. I have tried to be tolerant really resent this situation and find myself resenting my Dsis more and more. DMum just gets upset/defensive if I try to discuss this.

My BiL was the cool uncle. He's single and gay, loads of mates, always partying, holidaying, having fun. He would sort of subtly suggest to our DCs that DH and I are a bit dull.

Don't get me wrong, the kids adore him, but the older they are getting, the more they realise that it's often a bit of a sham with him and he's quite lonely and depressed and maybe doesn't have a life to aspire to.

For quite a few years he had the benefit of their financial support as well as the cooking and cleaning but over the last few years he has turned into their main carer

indeed I can see that there is a strong motivating factor here for keeping your children attached to your apron strings, but it's hardly optimal for personal development is it?
He never really spread his wings and flourished now did he?

I had earned life skills when I had to return to my parents' house but I couldn't have afforded rent+childcare for two small dc one with an SN + travel and living expenses with the limited earning potential I had (having been out of the workplace for 5 years). It was economics. Not a lack of life skills.

It's your parents house they decide who lives there.

You sound as if you really dislike and resent her.

If you were worried that she was taking advantage or that they were doing everything for her, I could maybe understand.

But you're not. You're just pissed off about her presence in general, and that your dd has to spend an occasional night on a mattress, oh, and that she's a cool aunt.

Stop upsetting your mother by bringing it up. It's none of your business.

Good post from RhodaBorracks.

My brother is the one that my parents are the proudest of I guess. They can say *Hugo is the Boss with the masters blah blah blah if their friends are boasting about their highly educated successful children. But they get different types of 'joy' from us both. We're all normal and when we're all around a table interrupting each other it mightn't seem v joyful necessarily! but I'm the one who gave them the grandchildren. I'm the one they can 'chat' to about nothing in particular. My brother is a great source of pride to my parents I'm sure but he certainly does not have time for chat about nothing.

Would you rather that it was you living at your parents at 44 years of age, cooking tea for your parents and having to borrow your mother's car to get to work?

Do you not think that you are actually the lucky one because you are independent and don't have to live with your parents?

YANBU to want to spend some 1.1 time with your parents. Is there any way you can do this at times when your sister is at work?
I do sympathise with you. My Dad was in a similar situation a while ago. His younger sister moved back in with their parents in her mid 40s after a string of failed relationships. He felt sorry for his sister, but also very frustrated about this situation. His parents (like your parents it sounds) were actually exacerbating the situation by allowing his sister to lean on them too much. They appeared to be fine with it, but deep down it was wearing them down. Now they are in their 90s and regretting that they weren't a bit 'crueller to be kind' years ago.
Hope you manage to find a happy medium. Your sister has every right to live with your parents for a bit while she is struggling. You have every right to spend alone time with your parents. Sounds like you must bite your lip a bit for a while and be supportive of your sister in order to be able to have more productive discussion with your Mum. Good luck.

Not read the thread but come on OP, she's a woman in her 40s living with her parents. No matter your feelings of irritation, I'm sure she's not exactly loving it either.

I'm not sure what is the point of trying to guilt trip the OP by saying 'Oh poor OP's dsis. She has such a hard time'.
She has done a hell of a lot for her dsis and her parents already. She is entitled to have some of the things going her way too, eg being able to see her parents wo Her dsis around.

oops what would you really be able to see happening? Do you want to see your parents wo your dsis?
I think you know that hoping your parents will throw her out of their house is just out. It's not going to happen (for all the reasons given by PP).
I'm getting the feeling you don't really want to see yoour dsis but want to still have a nice relationhsip with your parents, both for yourself and for your dd.
Is there any way you can do that and change the 'if we re coming then dsis is coming too' type of attitude?

Oh. Get over yourself. You've already said your sister works. If you are that desperate for bit of time with them without her arrange to do something with them or go visit when she's working and stop pouting !

Your parents probably like the company, she probably likes the company. Would you sooner she rents a room?
Ive seen friends move back / never move back and the older i get the more i see the relationship as mutually beneficial. For some they have taken on a caring role as they get older, but I've also seen it go tits up when the parents have needed caring - but they are normally the piss taking ones to start with.

As long as no one is taking advantage of the other obviously, but if its working and they are all happy.

oopsIdiditagain21

I want you to know, you are not alone. I know what you are going through. You do not need to be jealous to get peeved about it. You do not need to not love her to get peeved about it. He (or she) who lives it knows it.

It's hard to explain, and all the responses seem so sensible, but coming from someone who has a middle Dsis like yours, if it wasn't for the youngest Dsis, I would probably think I was being unreasonable too. You are not.

B

I think yanbu your thoughts and feelings are your own. It's bizarre these pure, serene types on mn who never get annoyed by anything apparently

I don't think there's much you can do though because frustrating though I'm sure it is it isn't any of your business either. And you can't tell your sister not to come round with them without causing bad feeling.

YANBU to think it at all. However the way you're coming across is a bit resentful. Is there a bigger picture?

How old are your DPs?

Will you resent her presence, and working only part-time, when either one or both of them requires care or extra help around the house?

My own siblings are all (3 of them), very ambitious "go getter" types. I am not & never have been. In the past, they often criticised the fact that I'd never moved far away from my mum - although living in my own house, with my own DH & DCs, I'd never lived more than a 5 minute drive away and visited my mum often. They each visited about three times a year.

Funnily enough, none of them minded the fact that I lived so close during mum's last year or two of life, when cancer took her mobility, her hair (and with it her confidence to go out) and eventually her life.

Your DPs are your sister's parents too - if she is happy living with them & they are genuinely happy to have her there then you really need to rethink your attitude on this.

I not read the entire thread. My brother lives with his parents at the age of 40. I don't see it as a problem. My parents have a large 4 bed house and I think it would be immoral for a couple to kid in such a large house on their own. Housing is in short supply and having adults living with elderly parents helps combat loneliness, it provides supervision for elderly people as well as housing the adult child.

As someone who has seen their sibling take advantage of our parents repeatedly over the years - while our parents are in total denial and refuse to engage with me on the subject - I sympathise and don't think you're being unreasonable. The only thing I can advise is perhaps trying to schedule 1 on 1 time with each parent, so at least you can try and see a bit of them without your sister. And when you do see them try not to mention her because, as I've learned from experience, parents absolutely hate being told they're being taken advantage of by a child even when they must realise it to be true.

I understand where you are coming from.

My 45yr old brother lives with my parents. He doesn't work, he contributes nothing. He has a house (owned outright, inherited) that he rents out for cash, while he lives with my parents. They cook for him, do all the cleaning, washing etc, buy the food. He does nothing. No help round the house, no gardening, no shopping, not even keeping his own room tidy or own clothes washed. He acts like an entitled 15yr old.

I moved out, married, had children. My parents often can't come to visit because they have to cook brother's dinner, or need to give brother a lift somewhere etc. My wants and needs always come second to making his life easier. I never, ever get to see them without him, if I invite them for dinner, he comes too, my parents just seem to assume the invitation is for them all, and I feel it would be petty to object to this in any way.

Financially they're very generous, but everything they do for my children, they give my brother the cash equivalent. So pay for football subs for my son, but give my brother the equivalent amount in cash. They think this is fair, but of course I never get compensated for them buying his food, paying his living costs, driving him around, buying his clothes etc. I wouldn't want to tbh, but it feels like one rule of fairness for him, another for me. Surely either its either absolutely equal or according to need? But my parents seem to keep swapping which system they use, depending which one works in brothers favour.

At Christmas, my parents let me know what they and my brother wanted for presents, and was chased to buy them (especially my brothers, he wanted something specific). I, DH and DCs got presents. The labels weren't written on, so I asked who they were from..."us". "Us" is apparently the unit of DM, DF and B, excluding me. I had a few tears in the loo . I feel totally excluded. Like I'm not part of the core family unit, more a distant relative. I live locally, and visit phone several times a week, plus do lots of the running round for my parents, fitting it around f/t work, volunteering and my own young family. It's very hurtful to feel left out of the core unit, and I can totally sympathise with the OP.

I think parents can't win. Current generation is so selfish that they expect parents to do what's best for them even though they don't do what's best for their parents.

OP: if your mum asked you to move nearer home, would you do it? Or move back in? Of course not. Not because they are sick or so you can help them, because they prefer it? You wouldn't. You prioritize your family unit. But you want them to prioritize you over a family unit they prefer so you can enjoy visiting more.

I don't think that's fair really, A11. OP just wants to have some one on one time with her parents - they're not just her sister's parents after all. It's not an unreasonable desire at all.

If you have your parents over for, say, Sunday lunch, would she come too, OP? What if your parents came to stay for the w/e? Or a week?

What business is it of yours if your parents want your sister living there? You do sound really jealous.

My XSILS had a dynamic like this. The Good girl would get incredibly irate because she did everything "right" and was pretty much ignored. The "naughty girl" whose life veered from one dramatic disaster to another was treated very differently, given money, cars, holidays, childcare. XPILS would always be saying "Poor SIL2" whilst SIL1 sat there visibly seething.

If you desperately need to see parents without DSIS then just arrange to see them when you know she is at work.......

Your business, mind it.

Try not to be irritated about things that have nothing to do with you. Recognise that she and your parents are entitled to live together if they all want to, and it doesn't matter whether you like it or not. You are particularly unentitled to a view on who should do the shopping. But by all means be pissed off that she turns up at yours when you've not invited her and undermines your parenting. Those are valid annoyances.

OP I think you nailed it in your last post - you can't help how you feel. It's understandable you're frustrated. But I'm sure if you wanted to move back in with your parents you could. You don't, because you have a home with DP and DC. Your sister doesn't and needs their help and support even if you feel that's self inflicted.

It sounds as if your parents are praising your sister to you because they are aware of your resentment and want the two of you to get along. Can you try and arrange some lunches with just you and your DM or DF or both so you get some 1 on 1 time? I think you need to try and not show how pissed off you feel, even if you are and it's understandable. Your parents probably wish your sister had a happier life and it would help them if you could grin and bear it and gently explain to them you don't resent your sister but would appreciate a bit of time with them 1 on 1 as well as the time you spend as a family.