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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be irritated that DSis is living with Mum and Dad

123 replies

oopsIdiditagain21 · 20/09/2016 10:56

She is 44 and single and been back with them for about a year after moving out of a rented flat because the landlord was selling up. She works part time and my Mum thinks it will give her chance to save money for a deposit. All I hear though is how hard my poor sister works, how she has cooked a lovely tea, blah, blah.Mum and Dad do all the shopping and Dsis is using my Mum's car to get to work. On top of this, when my dc go to stay my dd has to sleep on a mattress in the study as sister now has the room she used to have which makes dd not so keen on going as she can't get to sleep. If I invite them over Dsis comes too and if I go there Dsis is there tooAngry. I have tried to be tolerant really resent this situation and find myself resenting my Dsis more and more. DMum just gets upset/defensive if I try to discuss this.

OP posts:
acasualobserver · 20/09/2016 11:51

Do you want your parents to ask her to leave?

Original poster
oopsIdiditagain21 · 20/09/2016 11:52

Yes I want her to get her own flat and get on with her life in whatever way she chooses.

OP posts:
JenLindleyShitMom · 20/09/2016 11:52

My sister lives at home (almost 30) and I have no idea what her financial arrangement with my parents is. If one exists at all. She works and earns well, that's all I know. I don't understand this need for 1:1 attention from a parent as an adult beyond trying to arrange a surprise present for dad/mum or sister. If there is something me or my mum/dad wants to talk about then we will ring each other.

almondpudding · 20/09/2016 11:53

It would annoy me too OP.

Sometimes you just want to spend time with a particular person or people.

Have you explained this to your parents and asked them to come over without your sister?

MadAsABagOfCats · 20/09/2016 11:54

My friend (&her dc) moved back in with her parents as a single parent. Her siblings are very jealous. It usually comes up at family gatherings when they're drunk. I think it is because they think her parents mind her dc most of the time (not helped by the "fabulous lifestyle" she lives on Facebook)and her parents pay for a lot of her bills. None of the siblings would want to live with their parents but they think my friend has it easier than them. As her dn has gotten older, it is clear from what she says, that my df's brother has very little respect for his sister and her dn has repeated comments that her father (friend's brother) has made in front of his dc about his dislike of her.

JenLindleyShitMom · 20/09/2016 11:54

I have now totally had enough but her presence there makes it impossible for me to not be involved in her self destructive life.

You have had enough, your parents haven't. You don't get to dictate when they withdraw their support for their daughter.

Shiningexample · 20/09/2016 11:55

I completely understand why it pisses you off but I doubt there is anything that you can do, prob best to try and detach....easier said than done I know!

acasualobserver · 20/09/2016 11:57

OK, have you told your parents that you want them to kick her out? What do they say?

Butteredparsn1ps · 20/09/2016 11:58

I think I know where you are coming from OP. DH's brother moved in with MIL after a relationship breakdown and a tough time. We were happy to see & support him, but it changed the dynamic of the relationship between MIL and us and our DC for a while.

Because MIL had previously lived alone, she used to come to us most Sunday's for lunch. we gradually realised that we had broken this habit and were seeing less of her and she was no longer as closely involved in our DC's lives. She does t drive and didn't like to ask DBIL for a lift, and we assumed we didn't need to offer because DBIL could bring her over...

Once we woke up and realised we were seeing less of her we began to make more effort, but I can see we were wrong to make assumptions about BIL bringing her over at the beginning.

GDarling · 20/09/2016 11:58

You know what OP, it's ok to feel like your DS is getting it all for free, whilst you and your DH have to work hard.
It's ok to want to see yr parents without her around, it's ok to be pssed off that she is putting a strain on yr kind M&D.
Have you chatted to yr M&D about it? Are they doing it because they feel sorry for her/doing the right thing?
Im sure you understand her plight, but when it goes on for too long, it is taking the Pss.
It's a hard one to help you with, good luck.

Seeyouontheotherside · 20/09/2016 11:59

I'm sure she'd much prefer not to have made all the mistakes she's made that have led her to this point but there's no going back and doing everything correctly. The past is done. She's in a rut, your parents are helping their child out because they love her in spite of her flaws and want to protect her. It also sounds like they're enjoying her company.

Perhaps suggest seeing them when she's working or just tell them to leave her at home when they visit.

gratesnakes · 20/09/2016 12:00

I totally understand your resentment, OP. But what can you do? Some people don't cope well and do end up back with their parents. Could be worse though. At least she works and cooks etc. I'm afraid you have to accept it to some extent but one day soon when you can do it calmly you could very tactfully try to talk to your parents about your concerns and resentments. They will always defend the child they see as needier but they may be more sympathetic to your hurt than you expect. Good luck.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 20/09/2016 12:00

Okay put yourself in your parents' shoes, suppose one of your DCs messes up later in life. It is all very well to talk about tough love but if one child is struggling do you just say "Oh well you've made your own bed so lie in it" and walk away? I don't think it's always cut and dried being cool and rational when we are confronted by a situation close to home. What message do you give your children if you wash your hands of her - love is limited so don't what ever you do screw up? Rage all you like away from your parents and limit contact between the children and their aunt.

JenLindleyShitMom · 20/09/2016 12:08

Do people really expect their relationships with family to stay the same for life? Circumstances change, sometimes permanently, meaning relationships have to change, people can't always expect to have the same time with others forever. Grandparents get sick and require care meaning your mum doesn't see as much of your children, siblings have relationship breakdowns which means they move back in with parents and there is no more spare room, dad's get depressed which means they aren't able to do your DIY jobs anymore. It's life, things change, people need support, families support. OP you'll be a lot happier in life if you let go of your resentment of your sister. Maybe she is taking the piss, that's between her and your parents.

Original poster
oopsIdiditagain21 · 20/09/2016 12:09

I totally get my my parents have her there and probably do the same if she was my dc. Even though I can rationalise all of this I just cannot help feeling annoyed.

OP posts:
Magicpaintbrush · 20/09/2016 12:10

Wow, you sound really bitter but I'm not sure why? Presumably your parents would do the same for you if you were in the same position as your sister?? I think you need to wind your neck back in actually - you aren't there and it's really got nothing to do with you. Families usually try to help each other if they are having difficulties or are at a crossroads in their lives - you actually sound like you really dislike your sister, and if the only reason is because she is living with your parents then that is pretty sad. If she had done something really awful I could understand your animosity, but she actually hasn't. And I think if you continue to be so unpleasant about the situation then you are going to make yourself look like a bit of an arsehole. Sorry.

SuperFlyHigh · 20/09/2016 12:11

that's really unfair of you OP - before I saved up to get the deposit for my flat (had inheritances etc) I had a relationship break down, bit of debt etc...

I was ok to a point financially (savings were hard to access unless i really needed them) but emotionally was quite scarred (on Prozac etc) - I stayed with my mum for about 2 years to save up deposit but also for emotional support.

my DB when his ex-DW kicked him out due to his knee being broken and unable to work (as builder) stayed with my mum for about 2 years too.

Stuff happens in life, be supportive of your DSis. Your DMum sounds nice to take her in and help her out.

Cocklodger · 20/09/2016 12:13

One of my siblings is boomeranging back and forth my mums house, it goes like this.
Sibling gets rented place, sibling has or quickly gets a job. sibling does well for 3-4 months, starts taking out debt or living beyond their means £200 shopping sprees, Naice food and buying and selling cars because they get 'bored' often making huge losses of £500+ per sale, takeaways eating out.. which is fine, except this sibling has never ever earned more than £8ph.. They generally last a maximum of 8 months on their own then its back at mums for at least another 6 months, paying off the stupid levels of debt accrued (Because even if they didn't intend to get into debt they spend their money on stupid shit then take out credit cards to pay actual bills...) and saving for a new rental deposit. then it happens again. Its done so since they left home at 18. They are now 36 and single with a young DS.
I do not get annoyed with this, I've been a bit pissed off at times (Where my mum has for example forked out for siblings DS's nursery fees when she can't really afford that, because sibling has made a stupid financial cock up and can't afford it that week/month...) but in general it doesn't bother me, I sort of get where you're coming from, but I still think you are being a bit U and probably better off just feeling sorry for her to be honest.
if they want to subsidize her and can afford to without relying on credit/food banks or leaving themselves badly short then there isn't anything you can do/say without sounding like a dick.

MrsJayy · 20/09/2016 12:17

there isn"t anything you can say or do without sounding like a dick

THIS

DearMrsAaapple · 20/09/2016 12:25

How old are you OP?

"DSis cannot stand the fact I have a lovely DH and DC and is always making digs and trying to undermine me with my DC by being a 'cool' Aunty."
Your children are lucky they have an aunt who cares. Let her be cool aunty, that's great, how lovely for your dc. You sound v v insecure. Could you try and build up your self-esteem? Count your blessings if you have a family and your dsis does not?

'Now she is still causing constant worry to my parents but under their roof.'

Your poor Dsis sounds like she has had a lot of issues. Again count your blessings and ........ be supportive of her. Who needs enemies with sisters like you? Hmm

LyndaNotLinda · 20/09/2016 12:28

One of their children hasn't learned adult life skills. Perhaps your parents feel guilty about that. Perhaps they think if they keep helping her, she'll be able to turn her life around.

You have a happy secure life and she doesn't. I think you should pity her rather than resenting her

YNK · 20/09/2016 12:31

My daughter and her son live with me.
There are advantages for both of us and the house is big enough for us to have some privacy.
I cannot imagine my other DC raising objections.

JenLindleyShitMom · 20/09/2016 12:31

One of their children hasn't learned adult life skills.

not necessarily the case. Lots of people have things happen or circumstances that mean they need a bit of extra support from those around them. It doesn't always mean they don't know how to adult.

Atenco · 20/09/2016 12:46

I'm afraid I don't quite get why you want your dsis to move out of your parents' house, when they seem to be perfectly happy with her being there.

My exBIL moved back in with his parents after his marriage broke up and is still living there some twenty years later. For quite a few years he had the benefit of their financial support as well as the cooking and cleaning but over the last few years he has turned into their main carer.

So your parents might actually appreciate knowing that there is a younger person in the house for when things get difficult.

Shiningexample · 20/09/2016 12:47

I will help my adult children out if they are stuck, but I wont always be around for them and really it is better in the long run if they learn to form networks and alliances with people in wider society.

I see my role as being 'safety net of last resort'

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