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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be irritated that DSis is living with Mum and Dad

123 replies

oopsIdiditagain21 · 20/09/2016 10:56

She is 44 and single and been back with them for about a year after moving out of a rented flat because the landlord was selling up. She works part time and my Mum thinks it will give her chance to save money for a deposit. All I hear though is how hard my poor sister works, how she has cooked a lovely tea, blah, blah.Mum and Dad do all the shopping and Dsis is using my Mum's car to get to work. On top of this, when my dc go to stay my dd has to sleep on a mattress in the study as sister now has the room she used to have which makes dd not so keen on going as she can't get to sleep. If I invite them over Dsis comes too and if I go there Dsis is there too. I have tried to be tolerant really resent this situation and find myself resenting my Dsis more and more. DMum just gets upset/defensive if I try to discuss this.

OP posts:

JenLindleyShitMom · 20/09/2016 11:22

Oh wow! So your sister clearly has a lot of shit going on to the extent that she's struggling with holding her life together and your resentful of her getting support? She may have put your parents through hell but actually it sounds like she was going through hell herself.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 20/09/2016 11:23

It is probably not something your sister is entirely thrilled about - moving back in with Mum and Dad in middle age is a backward step - but it makes sense and it's unkind to moan at your DM about it. A tiny part of you maybe feels a bit envious that she's home and getting fussed over while you are looking after your lot. If she really has caused her parents worry then they'll be reassured she's under their roof.

Better a "cool" Auntie surely than one who pays no interest in her nieces/nephews?

I do agree not every visit has to include your sister so just put it to her nicely she gets to see a lot more of your parents on a daily basis now so you'd like to see them on your own sometimes.

TheLittleRedHen · 20/09/2016 11:23

I'm in a similar position. DSis is back with my mum, DSis earns more than DM and yet pays £40 "board" and DM pays rent, bills, council tax, food etc.

DM often complains at how broke she is, but it is her choice to have DSis live with her, and to only ask for such a small amount.

You can ask your DM&DF to come without DSis (and DSis without them) but remember that when you go to their house, that it's DSis's home too. I know it's hard, but you just have to grin and bear it for now.

Memoires · 20/09/2016 11:26

I think you talk to your sister. Point out she geats time with them every day, and that there are times when you'd like some time alone with your mum/mum and dad, too.

Invite your mum over when your sister's at work or something.

3Eggses · 20/09/2016 11:26

Why don't you say somethung then? "Hi Mum/Dad me and the kids would love to have a catch up with you both. We haven't really had any one to one time since sister has been at yours, so why don't you both come over for dinner on saturday?".

I'd have no problem telling my sister that I wanted alone time with my parents if that was the case.

3Eggses · 20/09/2016 11:28

*someTHING! Stupid, fat fingers...

YelloDraw · 20/09/2016 11:32

Of course it matters - OP never gets any 1-on-1 time with her parents and her sister is always there!

MrsJayy · 20/09/2016 11:34

This sounds difficult for you your sister seemingly swans about doing what she likes your parently seemingly dote on her yet its you who picks up the pieces. My sister is back and forward to mums i get it you are being irrational and you need to get over it but the feelings just bubble away.

VioletBam · 20/09/2016 11:34

I have been in your situation....my wastrel brother lived with my Mum for FIVE years in his late 40s.

I did get resentful...BUT you say in one breath all your parents do is big her up and in the next you say they're so worried about her.

Which is it?

And you have no reason to feel jealousy which you obviously do...you have "the lovely DH and DC" and she's alone, living at your parents in her 40s.

You need to be more understanding.

My husband's sister lives with FIL and she's in her 40s and works part time.

She is basically subsidised by FIL totally.

Does DH feel jealous? No.

He feels sorry for his sister as she's unable to cope as an adult alone in the world.

Be more grown up about it OP.

MrsJayy · 20/09/2016 11:36

My sister is moving out soon my mum is worried telling her there is always room here for you my sister is in her 30s

JenLindleyShitMom · 20/09/2016 11:36

Why does an adult need 1:1 time with their parents? unless they have something specific they need to talk about in which case call them.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/09/2016 11:37

But presumably if you were in the shit, they would help you?

I agree with PP, you sound incredibly jealous.

Mynestisfullofempty · 20/09/2016 11:38

What a mean-spirited attitude you have towards your sister.

2016Hopeful · 20/09/2016 11:40

I don't think people generally get tons of 1 one 1 time with their parents do they, either as an adult or as a child? My brother (also 44) is always at my parents when we go, it doesn't bother me, he is also part of my family. He doesn't have a wife or children so spends a lot of time with my parents. We always invite him when my parents come over too if it's at the weekend, that's just the way it is.

You have your own family, your sister doesn't, so her main support comes from your parents.

LaContessaDiPlump · 20/09/2016 11:41

Why does an adult need 1:1 time with their parents?

Why shouldn't they? I used to get really pissed off at the impossibility of having a 1:1 conversation with my dad as my mum was always hovering nearby, fearful of 'missing out'. Sometimes you just want to spend time with a particular person (or pair of people).

SapphireStrange · 20/09/2016 11:42

Your DD sounds like a bit of a snowflake. I spent my childhood visits to family sleeping on lilos in cluttered spare rooms/in saggy beds in freezing cottage attics with damp sheets and spiders.

You're being rather mean.

Judydreamsofhorses · 20/09/2016 11:42

I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel the way you do. My brother lived in the family home until his 30s, and got all his cooking, cleaning, washing done, toiletries bought for him as part of the supermarket shop and paid a token amount of "board", despite being in a very well-paid job. At the time I was living alone with a mortgage, struggling to pay the bills, so it grated. But I made my choices and he made his - I moved out as a student and would have really hated still being at home at that age, and while it was tough money-wise, I loved my little flat and my independence.

I think you need to come up with ways to better "manage" the situation in terms of spending time with your family. A wise person once said something along the lines that you can't change someone else's behaviour, only how you react to it, and that seems key here.

RhodaBorrocks · 20/09/2016 11:43

My sister still lives at home, in her 30s, long after the age I moved out at. But I don't resent her at all.

My parents are supporting her through shit jobs, debt and all that entails. In fact they want to move, but wouldn't dream of kicking her out.

But when I needed to get out of an abusive relationship, they put me and DS up for almost a year and then when I couldn't get a council flat they paid my full rent on a private property for a year upfront to guarantee it for me and so I had good references subsequently.

So it's swings and roundabouts.

What have your parents done for you? If it's not a lot is that because you are independent? You may find they are proud of your independence but don't say it to you. My DM let slip she told her best friend how proud she was of me as I'm now completely independent compared to DSis, but she wouldn't have told me that usually, I was quite surprised she felt that way. Then I spoke with my cousin and it turns out my DM is always praising me to everyone else and I just never knew!

Lorelei76 · 20/09/2016 11:43

OP you're drip feeding....

Jen "Why does an adult need 1:1 time with their parents?"

well in my case it's because my mum and sister aren't close - tbh they don't really like each other - so if 3 of us spend time together it's a bit on edge, whereas mum and I can just relax and be who we are. Mum and I really close and she's not going to be here much longer so I def enjoy my 1:1 time with her. It's a bit like with my best mate, whose sister likes to gate crash us every so often - I've nothing against the sister, but when you're very close with someone your 1:1 time is important, I think.

arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens · 20/09/2016 11:46

Sounds to me like there's more going on to cause this worry than simply the fact that she's back living with them - the second post saying she's caused hassle in the past makes me think you are worried about what she'll do now she's living back home?

I agree about the asking your parents & sister over separately sometimes. As to the "Cool" auntie thing, children really do see more than we give them credit for - my DD hates spending time with my DBruv because she doesn't like how he behaves towards the rest of the family. He has PTSD from military service so we used to tell her to just grin and bear it but now she can make her own decisions (she's nearly 15 and pointed out that I spend as little time as possible with him!) - but my parents definitely support him more than me. Do I resent it? At times, yes, but he's ill. Do I wish they would pay for me to go on holiday (as they do him)? Too right - but in the end it's their money.

All you can do is support your parents whatever happens and then relax (in your own home!) with your DH and DC - and think that you can come/go as you please and no-one can dictate who you invite over - which, unfortunately, is not a luxury your DSis has, no matter how "easy" it might seem from the outside.

Good luck x

acasualobserver · 20/09/2016 11:46

But what would make you happy? If your parents told your sister to leave?

Memoires · 20/09/2016 11:47

Sometimes you just want to talk to your mum. Alone. That's pretty normal.

Original poster

oopsIdiditagain21 · 20/09/2016 11:47

The thing is, I have been incredibly supportive and understanding for at least 15 years. DH and I have done everything to try to help her over the years. I have seen stuff I never would have wanted to see. I have now totally had enough but her presence there makes it impossible for me to not be involved in her self destructive life. DSis just never does anything to help herself but spends all the time feeling sorry for herself. I get it - her life is crap but only she can change it. My parents are not helping her by bailing her out all the time. I AM NOT JEALOUS OF HER!!! Why on earth would I be? I am incredibly pissed off with the situation going on and on and on. I can see her staying with them for the rest of their lives because she never does anything to make her life better. By 'cool' Aunty I don't mean fun etc. I mean make the dc question our parental authority.

OP posts:

Shiningexample · 20/09/2016 11:49

OP, you are a stronger person, you've built a life for yourself and developed your own resources
If they shelter her too much your parents may do more harm than good in the long run

Shiningexample · 20/09/2016 11:51

She is being a drain on your parents
Is that your underlying concern?

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