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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want MIL to host DS's 1st birthday party in her house and let her bake the cake?

292 replies

Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 08:50

First off, just to say my MIL is well intentioned, but by god she is bossy and controlling sometimes.

MIL and FIL have booked to go away for the weekend of our DS's birthday. MIL is upset by this and would like for us to have a party for DS the previous weekend, in their house, with her baking the cake.

Am I unreasonable to tell them no? I thought it would be nice to have the party on the weekend which falls the day after his birthday, it'll be in our (small) house and me, the proud mama, would like to attempt to bake his cake.

I wouldn't mind, but my in-laws are ALWAYS going away and this night away is actually a voucher for a fancy hotel we bought for them nearly two years ago, and they book it on the weekend of DS's birthday?

When I said I'd do the cake, MIL said, 'but my friend Lucy does ALL her grandchildren's cakes!'

OP posts:
pictish · 20/09/2016 21:09

Nina - It's fuck all to do with mithering the men folk. It's to do with not presenting someone at work, be they man or woman, with a topic that can be better discussed at home.
Not difficult to grasp.

Flisspaps · 20/09/2016 21:22

I can see Nina's point though, I read this comment in exactly the same way "a woman going on about who's hosting a 1 year old's birthday party is not the kind of thing men appreciate discussing when they're at work"

There was a further connect upthread about wittering on and men not appreciating it.

My DH is perfectly happy to discuss mundane matters over text/email throughout the day, particularly anything pertaining to our DC.

Anyway OP, you've had some excellent advice here, I bet your cake and party is going to be fab :)

flumpybear · 20/09/2016 21:28

Nope -
They'll have to miss your party!!!

Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 21:38

Fliss on reading my messages I can kind of see where you're coming from, but it's been misconstrued.

My husband also happily makes chitchat re our DS and various other mundane household issues throughout the day. But he knows me well enough and I could quite easily start giving out about his ILs which he would not appreciate. Hence why I didn't go on about it. Sure who would?

You'd be lying to me to say men cared as much about these things as women do! It's a generalisation, but based on the responses to this thread it's obvious that many women care a lot about boundaries and cake making just happens to be part of that!

In any case, it looks like everything should be ok. DH was incredibly reasonable, I just talked about my cake ideas and said I'd like it that day and he said 'sure, if they can't make it, so what'. I mentioned about his cake from 30 years ago she's still going on about and he agreed and said why should she get to do it? Yay no confrontation, no fight.

It's all about how you handle things, with any relationship if you go in there all guns blazing you're only going to make things worse for yourself. EVEN with your other half.

OP posts:
Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 21:38

Fliss on reading my messages I can kind of see where you're coming from, but it's been misconstrued.

My husband also happily makes chitchat re our DS and various other mundane household issues throughout the day. But he knows me well enough and I could quite easily start giving out about his ILs which he would not appreciate. Hence why I didn't go on about it. Sure who would?

You'd be lying to me to say men cared as much about these things as women do! It's a generalisation, but based on the responses to this thread it's obvious that many women care a lot about boundaries and cake making just happens to be part of that!

In any case, it looks like everything should be ok. DH was incredibly reasonable, I just talked about my cake ideas and said I'd like it that day and he said 'sure, if they can't make it, so what'. I mentioned about his cake from 30 years ago she's still going on about and he agreed and said why should she get to do it? Yay no confrontation, no fight.

It's all about how you handle things, with any relationship if you go in there all guns blazing you're only going to make things worse for yourself. EVEN with your other half.

OP posts:
Marmitepasta · 21/09/2016 06:57

Ok so you actually got him baptized for your non religious own reasons (fair enough, whatever you want to do) but made out mil forced you into to to make her sound pushy and controlling. Hmmm

Memoires · 21/09/2016 08:02

People suggesting that you discuss this with your dh while he's at work are incomprehensible to me. Even I wouldn't be able to chit chat to my dh like that while at work. It would have to be really grave and seriously urgent like our child was hurt and being rushed into hospital. And I work part time, the lowest of the low. I have worked since the early 70s and there is no employer who would put up with personal calls like you are all suggesting. I have seen people 'let go' for it. Calling dh at work is out of the question. Of course it's unimportant and could wait until he got home.

maybethedayafter · 21/09/2016 08:25

Yes, he's 1 and he won't understand or remember. But you will and your feelings are valid too. Your MIL wants to make his cake, you want to make his cake, why should her want trump yours?

ChickyDuck · 21/09/2016 08:57

Dear god people are so petty on here!! She's offering a nice thing, a celebration and a home baked cake! She's not even suggesting you can't have your own celebration...Anyone would think she was suggesting a weekend in Guantanamo from all these hysterical reactions.

Go to her house, have a lovely birthday tea for you DC. Separately, have whatever celebration you want to! Who cares what order it's in, or which one is the "actual, real" birthday party? I always like to spread my birthday celebrations with different groups of family and friends over a couple of weekends, it makes the fun last longer!

NavyandWhite · 21/09/2016 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dogolphin · 21/09/2016 09:49

Send your invitations out early before MIL does!

ShelaghTurner · 21/09/2016 09:54

And yet again no one has answered why the MIL's wishes should trump those of the mother? Why is the op being petty and the MIL isn't?

ChickyDuck · 21/09/2016 10:04

Because I genuinely don't understand the mother's issue.... the mother will throw a party with her cake, the MIL will throw a party with her cake. Both will be lively occasions to celebrate the life of the DC. As far as I can tell, the mother is having a strop because she wants her party to be the proper party, which to me sounds like something a toddler would do. Why can't everyone just enjoy both parties!?

NavyandWhite · 21/09/2016 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

myownprivateidaho · 21/09/2016 10:52

I don't get it. She won't be there on his birthday, so you can still do your cake and party then. Not letting her bake him a cake the previous weekend is precious and churlish imo.

RockinHippy · 21/09/2016 11:05

What a load of fuss about nothingConfused

As above, he's 1, he wont have a clue & this is just not a battle you need to win. Your MIL is offering a nice thing, FFS just be grateful & go with it. Have the other party at home on his birthday if you must, but mountains & molehills spring to mind here

Marmitepasta · 21/09/2016 12:12

Agree. The whole thing is ridiculous and I suspect the controlling one may be the op, not the mil...

It's not a case of either or. Jus let mil do her cake and then do your celebration the following weekend, nearer to his actual birthday.

Jellybean83 · 21/09/2016 12:27

There is nothing stopping the MIL having the party the weekend after the actual birthday weekend when the child is actually one.

Obviously it's going to be a family affair, if I went to my niece/nephew/cousin first birthday one weekend then I'd hardly want to give up my next weekend for the same thing so more likely not to go to the second party, so if MIL has hers first then hardly anyone is likely to show up to OPs party.

It's the OPs child's first birthday, why is she 'controlling' and ungrateful because she wants to celebrate the first birthday in her own house with her own cakes surrounded by family? It is baffling that anyone should think that.

And as has already been mentioned, what happens next year if MIL wants the party at hers again, because you know it's tradition because she done it last year?

TheBakeryQueen · 21/09/2016 12:30

I bet if DS could express his wishes, he would opt for two parties/cakes.

I would feel very petty to deny the mil her little celebration the weekend before the birthday.

fruitatthebottom · 21/09/2016 12:36

I have to say I don't really understand, why not have the actual party the day the OP wants with her family and friends and she bakes the cake and then have a second party the following weekend at MIL's with her husbands family? I get you want to stand up to your mil Op but why not just tell her you are doing two parties? Would she get the hump about that? If so she is being unreasonable so do it your way, she'll get over it.

Lunde · 21/09/2016 12:41

Why can't MIL hold her party the week after then? It seems more like one-uppmanship to host a family party for someone elses child early.

I can see why OP does not wish MIL's party to become a tradition

mixety · 21/09/2016 12:45

there is no employer who would put up with personal calls like you are all suggesting

There definitely are. My boss has to deal with an elderly single parent and speaks to her multiple times every day on the phone, sorts stuff out for her etc. And she is fine with employees also dealing with personal matters during the working day, as long as we fit it in around fixed client meetings / appointments and get our actual work done.

In fact not my last employer but the one before that was also v relaxed about taking / making personal calls here and there during the working day.

That isn't to say everyone is chatting away willy nilly to friends and family all day, but when things came up we can deal with them as necessary.

Pagwatch · 21/09/2016 12:52

I've never worked anywhere where I couldn't make personal calls.

pictish · 21/09/2016 12:55

It is not controlling to want to host your kid's first birthday party yourself!
Jesus fucking Christ.

NavyandWhite · 21/09/2016 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.