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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not want MIL to host DS's 1st birthday party in her house and let her bake the cake?

292 replies

Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 08:50

First off, just to say my MIL is well intentioned, but by god she is bossy and controlling sometimes.

MIL and FIL have booked to go away for the weekend of our DS's birthday. MIL is upset by this and would like for us to have a party for DS the previous weekend, in their house, with her baking the cake.

Am I unreasonable to tell them no? I thought it would be nice to have the party on the weekend which falls the day after his birthday, it'll be in our (small) house and me, the proud mama, would like to attempt to bake his cake.

I wouldn't mind, but my in-laws are ALWAYS going away and this night away is actually a voucher for a fancy hotel we bought for them nearly two years ago, and they book it on the weekend of DS's birthday?

When I said I'd do the cake, MIL said, 'but my friend Lucy does ALL her grandchildren's cakes!'

OP posts:
Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 11:44

confuugled that would be zero cakes made by my MIL's MIL. Your post is absolutely spot on.

The conversation re DS's birthday followed directly on from me telling her about the cake I'd just made my DH for his birthday! She knows I can bake, maybe not as well as her, but I'm fairly domesticated.

OP posts:
MidnightRunner87 · 20/09/2016 11:49

If it was me I'd have plans the weekend before for me and dc, have the party you've planned and then invite mil to have cake and coffee the weekend after dc's birthday. My in laws used to try stuff on constantly, it became much clearer to dh how unreasonable they were when it was them kicking off cos we had prearranged plans/what we offered wasn't good enough than when I was trying to point out to dh why they were being unreasonable.

MargotLovedTom · 20/09/2016 11:54

For all those saying pick your battles, you might end up with a MIL like mine who took it upon herself to:

-hold birthday parties for my dc at her house when the dc have gone round for tea after school,

-invite her side of the family (and vaguely 'her side' as well: her sister's DIL was one guest!) at a time when my DH (her son) is at work,

  • not invite me - the child's mother Confused,

-have cake and candles and party food and a rendition of "Happy birthday" ....the day before the child's birthday....

....doing all this knowing full well I would be having a family birthday tea the next day on my child's actual birthday, which she and her sister would be attending, as well as my side of the family, to be eating the same sort of party food and having another fucking cake and candles that I had sorted out. Kind of takes the shine off it knowing that it's a repeat performance of the day before.

After 'picking my battles' for years (these are children who are well into school age) I finally let it be known that I was pissed off, and it doesn't happen anymore. The funny thing is I like MIL, and we get on. She just gets carried away with herself and doesn't stop to think sometimes.

Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 11:55

The funny thing is I like MIL, and we get on. She just gets carried away with herself and doesn't stop to think sometimes.

me too Margot. 95% of the time she's great, but give her that 5%...!!

OP posts:
arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens · 20/09/2016 12:08

Oh reading this makes me so pleased I have the DMIL that I have. She is wonderful. And would never, ever do this.

I agree that you need to put your foot down now. Host the party on the day you want & say that she can have him over for tea and cake a week or two later on. Your DS, his 1st birthday, your choice. You could always go with the "oh it'll be far too much trouble for you when you're trying to get sorted to go away, why not wait blah blah blah"

As to Christmas. This is one we faced head on - but the problem was MY DM, not DPIL. We put our foot down and said that we would host "open house" the afternoon of Christmas Day, but that we would not be travelling between two sets of parents, as we wanted DD to be able to enjoy presents etc.(well, when younger, the packaging they came in!) without having to drag all the paraphernalia around with us. My god was it a battle but well worth it - and DSiL used my excuses with her own MIL. DPIL host a party for all of us in between Christmas and New Year which satisfies everyone.

Good luck OP and I hope your DH does back you up.

NavyandWhite · 20/09/2016 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 20/09/2016 12:21

After 'picking my battles' for years (these are children who are well into school age) I finally let it be known that I was pissed off, and it doesn't happen anymore

Nope, if you'd actually picked your battles properly and not been silently pissed off for years, not of that needed to happen at all.

Just act like grown ups and TALK to each other instead of all this stupid point scoring and competition.

littleprincesssara · 20/09/2016 12:23

It has nothing to do with cake it's about setting boundaries. The MIL obviously runs roughshod over the concept of boundaries, and the OP has not in the past been able to enforce them (maybe because she'd just shoved a human being out of her body??). No healthy relationship can exist without healthy boundaries. This might not be the ideal situation to draw a line in the sand but you have to start somewhere. No time like the present.

Catsick36 · 20/09/2016 12:32

My own mother is like this. I've started keeping my distance sticking to plans I've made and saying no. She is having such a tantrum about it now and is happy to poison my other siblings against me.

I would have plans booked and paid for the weekend before. Find somewhere, a zoo or event and buy tickets now for it.

Start planning Christmas now. If she's as good as my mother she will get in early with suggestions and bulldoze you into agreeing with them before you've had a chance to decide yourselves what you want to do.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/09/2016 12:38

Popular - could you ask your MIL how she'd feel if her MIL had baked the birthday cake for her son's first birthday? Is she reasonable enough that that might make her see why it is important to you to bake the cake yourself?

If not, I think the best way forward, as I said earlier, is to have the party when you want, and suggest she hosts a get together the weekend after your baby's birthday.

Is she the sort of MIL who would take lots of pictures at the party, and go on forever more about having held her grandchild's first birthday party? I suspect she might - which is why I wouldn't let her have any sort of party the weekend before the baby's birthday. But maybe I am just very cynical.

PikaPikaPikachu · 20/09/2016 12:41

Can you not do both? So no one misses out

5moreminutes · 20/09/2016 12:43

confuugled makes excellent points

It was only after about 8 years of Mothers Day being all about honouring, treating and catering to MIL and my own mother at their insistence, absolutely ignoring myself and my sister being mothers, that somebody said to me

"I suppose it's their turn now, because they made a big fuss of their mother in laws and mothers when their children were young"

and we realised that wasn't true at all - when their children were young Mothers Day had been their day, with grandmas receiving an evening phone call but nothing more, and now their children were parents and grandchildren were young it was still their day!

The same was true for Christmas and other big Events.

Both our mothers were The Mother from the day they had their first babies, both being slightly unusual in their generation for having moved a very long way away from both sets of parents to start their own families, and absolutely unwilling to pass on the title, becoming some kind of All Mother Matriarch and Top Mother in their own minds as their children married and had their own children.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/09/2016 12:46

I would let grandma host her own party at her house, whilst they are on holiday, you host the actual party at your house, with you baking the cake. Ds gets two parties and two cakes, there is never enough cake Wink

5moreminutes · 20/09/2016 12:49

When we moved away my mother would also go on in a rather martyred way about the stresses and strains and work of hosting DN's birthday party, and how tired it had made her... Hearing it on the end of a phone cast a different light on it as I knew she would have insisted on hosting the party and taken considerable offence if it hadn't been at hers. Photos each year also revealed unexpected attendees for a 7/8/9 year old's party, in that a lot of the guests were DM's early retired friends, some with a toddler grandchild in tow, outnumbering DN's school mates!

MargotLovedTom · 20/09/2016 13:52

FluffyWuff well I was offering up my story as a cautionary tale about the drawbacks of 'picking your battles' to be fair!

I pulled MIL up about other things which pissed me off (buying knickers for dd and keeping them at her house and trying to potty train her when I didn't want it happen, is one example) but I let the party thing go until it started escalating and becoming more of a 'thing'.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/09/2016 13:59

Aeroflot - the risk I see with letting the MIL hold her party before the OP's party is that she could go completely overboard and make it a really big deal, and take lots of pictures of 'LittlePopular's First Birthday Party' - before the OP gets to take pictures at her own party, which would forever be the second party.

That's why I am suggesting two parties - because extra cake is never a bad thing, in my book - but getting the MIL to have hers the weekend after the OP's party.

If the MIL is a reasonable woman, she will be happy with this. If she kicks off, that would suggest to me that she wanted to hijack the baby's first birthday party.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 20/09/2016 14:04

Jesus! Cake wars! I had mil Rick up to dd2 party with a cake even though she knew I'd had one made.

I was pretty much an arsehole that day about the extra cake and then asked suggested mil take it home with her to share out at work as we would be caked out after eating the 'real' one. She didn't try it again and yes it is about bring in control that's why your mil wants to host it at her home also.

Why are you pandering to your Dh though? Your ds is your son - not mils. Mil has had her turn at playing mummy now it's yours. Her feelings over your son do not override yours. Ever. I would not get in to the habit of letting your Dh choose between you both either.

Tell Dh your doing the cake at your home. End of. Your really don't need to cajole/manipulate him to choosing you. Your not two ladies fighting for his attention and favour.

The party is being held at home, I've sent the invites out

Done

coconutpie · 20/09/2016 14:20

Have the party on the weekend of DS's birthday. Tough shit that MIL is away - if she thought his birthday was so important, she wouldn't have booked to be away that weekend. Do not host it at her house either. Tell DH that it's not negotiable, the party is on that weekend and YOU are hosting it, as parents of DS.

Enidblyton1 · 20/09/2016 14:34

I would pick your battles - save it for something that really matters.
You can have a cake with Mil and Fil the weekend before and then have your own little party the following weekend. Two cakes - brilliant!
It's really no big deal.

Koan · 20/09/2016 14:38

As pps have said, DC will not remember. But you will. And that 1st birthday is actually an incredible landmark for a mother/for parents as well, as you reflect on the momentous year.

Also, after my first DC's birth, obvs wasn't at any 'toasting the baby's head' celebrations that took place, being in hospital still and breastfeeding.
Someone once told me that a 1st birthday celebration is really for the mother, partly for those reasons. And maybe this can and should be unashamedly enjoyed as such.

Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 14:44

Why are you pandering to your Dh though I'm not pandering to him, I'm just not stressing him out while he's at work. It'll just get his back up unnecessarily.

I've suggested to have the party on Saturday morning which may work, they can head off on their weekend away afterwards. I don't see fairer than that.

I'm not out to have a fight with DMIL about this, but this is one thing I would like to establish as a tradition for our family.

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 20/09/2016 15:00

Sounds like a perfect solution popular I love baking but am hopeless at decorating. My DS has just turned 2 but I still smile thinking about his "is it a cat is it an owl?" birthday cake I made for his 1st birthday Grin

WinchesterWoman · 20/09/2016 15:04

Just say when you want the party and where- and go with it. Your wishes have equal weight with your husband's so why shouldn't yours prevail? Your MIL's can just be ignored.

Both these people want you to cave. Why should you? No reason at all.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 20/09/2016 15:07

By all means tell him when he gets back - but the fact you mentioning your doing the party at home would stress him out at work is ...odd.

Maybe your Dh and mil are highly strung?

Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 15:19

Maybe your Dh and mil are highly strung?

eh no, my husband is quite the opposite in fact...

a woman going on about who's hosting a 1 year old's birthday party is not the kind of thing men appreciate discussing when they're at work. I'm sure my DH is not unique in this regard.

OP posts: