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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not want MIL to host DS's 1st birthday party in her house and let her bake the cake?

292 replies

Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 08:50

First off, just to say my MIL is well intentioned, but by god she is bossy and controlling sometimes.

MIL and FIL have booked to go away for the weekend of our DS's birthday. MIL is upset by this and would like for us to have a party for DS the previous weekend, in their house, with her baking the cake.

Am I unreasonable to tell them no? I thought it would be nice to have the party on the weekend which falls the day after his birthday, it'll be in our (small) house and me, the proud mama, would like to attempt to bake his cake.

I wouldn't mind, but my in-laws are ALWAYS going away and this night away is actually a voucher for a fancy hotel we bought for them nearly two years ago, and they book it on the weekend of DS's birthday?

When I said I'd do the cake, MIL said, 'but my friend Lucy does ALL her grandchildren's cakes!'

OP posts:
numberseven · 20/09/2016 15:27

I'm not out to have a fight with DMIL about this, but this is one thing I would like to establish as a tradition for our family.

And I have the feeling that's what she is trying to do as well, to establish the tradition that your son's "main events" will be at her house with her hosting. Stand your ground.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/09/2016 16:17

OP, has MIL/FIL been asked why they picked this particular weekend to go away? If there was a reason 'x', then 'x' is clearly more important to them than your son's birthday. If there was no real reason/they 'forgot', then your son's birthday just wasn't on their radar (and therefore not important to them at all). Which presumably only leaves the possibility that it was deliberate, to be used to manipulate you into them hosting because they'll be away on his real birthday, and hosting would be a sop for missing that (boo fucking hoo).

YANBU. Ignore those saying it's only cake, you know it isn't. Set your boundaries. Stick to them. To do otherwise is to make a rod for your own back.

embo1 · 20/09/2016 17:42

Your baby. You choose time and place. And definitely make the cake if you want to. They can have their own do when they come back. They shouldn't have booked their holiday then. Tell her she can make the cake next year!

Marmitepasta · 20/09/2016 17:45

I am so surprised by the responses to this thread. Why do you care???? He will always be your son! Just let mil have a cake with him the weekend before and you'll know that it's his 'proper' party the following weekend. You still make 'the real' cake etc etc. really not a big deal.

numberseven · 20/09/2016 18:04

But I assume the guest list would be the same for both events. Would the guests come to his 'proper' party if they just had a party for him at MIL's the previous weekend?

Or should she also not care about having guests.

DartmoorDoughnut · 20/09/2016 18:06

marmite why shouldn't she care?!

Jellybean83 · 20/09/2016 18:23

Maybe not a big deal to a lot of people but it is a big deal to the OP, and as she is the mother her wishes trump MIL. There is nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate your child's first birthday at your own house with your own homemade cake, and nobody should make you feel like there is.

If you feel you have to compromise then let MIL hold a second cake and tea afternoon the weekend after yours.

Redken24 · 20/09/2016 18:26

agree with JellyBean - do what you feel is right, you will be full of resentment if you let her take over. Maybe suggest she could make the snacks?

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 20/09/2016 18:27

popular you sound as if you are a fifties house wife.

All men don't get irritated if their wifes 'mither' them at work about small shit. They don't. In fact normal men deal with shit just like normal women.

It's really weird and misoginistic that you keep insinuating that men Shouldn't be bothered at work as obviously they are far too busy with important stuff like bring a wage in Hmm

That's might be how you and your Dh do things but others just see sending a message or not not a big issue.

a woman going on about who's hosting a 1 year old's birthday party is not the kind of thing men appreciate discussing when they're at work. I'm sure my DH is not unique in this regard

Well no - I suppose there are still some cave men out there but thankfully most normal men are living in the 21st centuryHmm

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 20/09/2016 18:28

I think you should stick to your guns OP, MIL, sounds controlling.
Let her have her little birthday shindig, at her house, the week after your DS has turned one. Don't cow tow, to her demands.

ShelaghTurner · 20/09/2016 18:38

First birthday is a big deal to me and I also wouldn't celebrate before the date. I'm too superstitious for that.

Birthday party and your cake on his birthday. MIL's cake and tea when they come back. I would absolutely not budge from this.

Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 18:42

Ninasimone I think you're trying to see things that don't exist here.

I know my husband is extremely busy with work and to get into a detailed conversation about such things during work is not necessary or considerate of me. It's not exactly an urgent matter is it?

I'll have you know we spoke about it when he got home and it was fine with him.

Take your issues (and vitriol) elsewhere.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 20/09/2016 18:47

I'm afraid I would not want my DH to text me at work. We just don't. I am too busy, he is too busy. Unless one of the kids has been injured / ill etc.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 20/09/2016 18:53

Ok op don't forget to fix your hair and take your pinny off before your approach again ! Wink

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/09/2016 19:15

I am not sure that putting a Wink at the end of that comment stops it being rather nasty, Ninasimone.

Marmitepasta · 20/09/2016 19:19

Dartmoor, I just think it's being made into a big thing when it doesn't need to be.

Op could just say to mil ok well come to yours the weekend before, you can do your cake for him and give him a present and then we'll have another party at ours at the weekend. She could invite guests to the one at theirs and that would be the 'real' party but mil would have still been able to do a little thing for him. She is his granny after all and it's nice that she wants to be involved.

Marmitepasta · 20/09/2016 19:20

It's weird as I would accept this no problem and see it as a non issue but there is absolutely no way I would agree to get my child baptized if I didn't believe!

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 20/09/2016 19:22

Well it depends how you want to take it SDT it was actually tongue in cheek. If I was tsking the piss - nastily if put Hmm Due to the op 50 style wifey crap - which is actually quite offensive.

Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 19:34

No Nina, it's you who's been offensive here.

Get a grip.

It's perfectly possible to not want to needlessly discuss these things with your husband while he's at work. It's called having a healthy relationship! I'm considerate of his needs and likewise his of mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 19:48

Marmite the baptism one is slightly more complex than I originally let on, there are also school implications with having our DS christened (access to better schools). Again, lots of people would view this as mad but where our DS goes to school is v important to my dh and me

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 20/09/2016 19:54

marmite the thing is this is popular's DS not the MIL's, great if she wants to be involved but not necessary, sorry to be blunt but sod the GPs! It's up to the parents how it's celebrated and the first birthday is a big deal to them. Plenty of time for compromise later!

Having said that my DH was away on our DS's 2nd birthday this year so we celebrated a couple of days later just the three of us. MIL was most put out despite me taking him over to see them on the actual day and sending her videos of him unwrapping and playing with their present to him when he opened it with both of us he's my son so I do what works for us!

pictish · 20/09/2016 20:04

Wind your neck in Nina. The OP is not some 50s throwback because she knew the topic could wait till her dh got home. I'd have done the same.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 20/09/2016 20:35

Yes! You must not mither the men folk !! Grin

Blu · 20/09/2016 20:37

I would not get into any e mail or phone communication about birthday party planning at work.

I would not expect any member of my family to respond to any such non-urgent communication whole they were at work.

Nor any member of my staff!

The person in the OP's family who is at work is her DH. It's that simple.

Arsenicinthesugarbowl · 20/09/2016 20:48

Stand your ground! Be firm. I have a similar experience to Margot! Started off with little things like buying sweets when I'd said not to but escalated to asking to do school pick ups and then overstepping mark with teachers, ultimately arranging trips for DD that didn't include me. The final straw was getting DDs haircut without asking and booking a birthday party venue also without asking me or DH!
If we had stood our ground earlier we would have saved some heartache as we ended up falling out pretty badly and I stopped speaking to her for a couple of months.
It's all sorted now and she isn't a bad personal but very controlling with no boundaries!!! I spent years rolling over on stuff and feeling resentful while other people said "it's no big deal-she's only trying to help".
Now she always asks and if I'm not comfortable I say no. It's been a big adjustment but my life is much much easier now!

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