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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want MIL to host DS's 1st birthday party in her house and let her bake the cake?

292 replies

Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 08:50

First off, just to say my MIL is well intentioned, but by god she is bossy and controlling sometimes.

MIL and FIL have booked to go away for the weekend of our DS's birthday. MIL is upset by this and would like for us to have a party for DS the previous weekend, in their house, with her baking the cake.

Am I unreasonable to tell them no? I thought it would be nice to have the party on the weekend which falls the day after his birthday, it'll be in our (small) house and me, the proud mama, would like to attempt to bake his cake.

I wouldn't mind, but my in-laws are ALWAYS going away and this night away is actually a voucher for a fancy hotel we bought for them nearly two years ago, and they book it on the weekend of DS's birthday?

When I said I'd do the cake, MIL said, 'but my friend Lucy does ALL her grandchildren's cakes!'

OP posts:
Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 21/09/2016 13:39

Good lord Navy, you are like a dog with a bone.

OP posts:
pictish · 21/09/2016 13:39

No...her mil would have made family memories.

pictish · 21/09/2016 13:40

Are you going to plug on with this nonsense Navy?
And you call the OP contrary....

Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 21/09/2016 13:41

MIL would have ownership of it, not me, my son's mother. It's hardly rocket science is it?

OP posts:
pictish · 21/09/2016 13:41

SDTG agreed.

NavyandWhite · 21/09/2016 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NavyandWhite · 21/09/2016 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 21/09/2016 13:43

It's like you refuse to understand a very simple premise though.

Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 21/09/2016 13:43

No Navy, you're just trying to stir it for some perverse pleasure. There's nothing left to stir here!

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 21/09/2016 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RockinHippy · 21/09/2016 13:44

MIL would have ownership of it, not me, my son's mother. It's hardly rocket science is it?

Christ, talk about over thinking it Confused

You need to get a firm grip & stop being so ridiculously over sensitive, or you are going to be in for one hell of a ride as a parent

pictish · 21/09/2016 13:46

It's not 'bloody minded' to say no. It is perfectly acceptable.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/09/2016 13:47

I can see the difference between family memories of someone else hosting the OP's baby's first birthday party and baking his first cake, and memories of her baking her baby's first birthday cake and hosting his first party.

Look, Navy - this clearly doesn't matter to you, and wouldn't bother you - but we are all different, and it would upset the OP. I think her feelings actually matter - and as it is her and her dh's baby, I think they take precedence over his mother, her mother or anyone else's mother.

I am not prejudiced against MILs, either - mine was a lovely person and a perfect MIL (and I miss her acutely) - in fact, we actually had my pfb's first birthday party at my PIL's house, so they hosted his first birthday, and the small party we had on the day - it was a joint decision, and one we were all very happy with. We made good memories on the day, and it was very special. As far as I remember, it was dh's and my suggestion that we go to them for his birthday - we had not long moved house, and didn't know anyone where we were living.

But just because it worked for me, it wouldn't work for everyone. When I have grandchildren, it will be up to their parents to decide what happens on their birthdays, and I wouldn't dream of muscling in.

NavyandWhite · 21/09/2016 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 21/09/2016 13:48

You need to get a firm grip & stop being so ridiculously over sensitive, or you are going to be in for one hell of a ride as a parent

You clearly haven't read the whole thread.

OP posts:
pictish · 21/09/2016 13:49

I'm all for granny's party. Just not before OP's.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/09/2016 13:49

Navy - the harm is that Popular would be very upset if her MIL hosted her baby's first birthday party.

Just because it wouldn't upset you, doesn't mean that the OP's feelings aren't just as valid as yours.

Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 21/09/2016 13:53

You may not see the harm Navy but good relationships are all about trying to see things from other people's perspectives, a bit of empathy can go a long way.

I've compromised on lots of things in the past and this is something I am gently and firmly standing my ground on. If she complains about it, my plan is to kindly but firmly explain that this means a lot to me. End of story!

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 21/09/2016 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 21/09/2016 13:58

Yes I will.

OP posts:
ShelaghTurner · 21/09/2016 13:58

No one is saying that MIL can't have her own little party for him. But it's not unreasonable for the OP to want it after his official one. I'm sure the OP doesn't give a toss if MIL throws a party a week for the next 12 weeks - it's the very first one that's important. She's the kid's mother, she's allowed to be precious over this.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/09/2016 13:58

Navy - your argument seems to be 'well, it wouldn't bother me so it shouldn't bother Popular' - but that completely ignores the fact that we are all different, and so different things upset different people.

I was happy having my PIL host my pfb's first birthday - but that doesn't mean everyone should feel the same as me - why would it??

As Popular says, empathy is key. It is possible to empathise with someone even if you don't share their feelings.

NavyandWhite · 21/09/2016 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RockinHippy · 21/09/2016 14:09

You clearly haven't read the whole thread.

I've read enough to see that you are only really interested in replies that agree with your own POV

Pretty pointless thread IMHO as you have clearly already made your mind up & are just wasting peoples time Hmm

pictish · 21/09/2016 14:16

OP I'm done with this thread now. I suggest you leave it where it lies as well. I hope you have a lovely day when it comes. x