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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want MIL to host DS's 1st birthday party in her house and let her bake the cake?

292 replies

Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 08:50

First off, just to say my MIL is well intentioned, but by god she is bossy and controlling sometimes.

MIL and FIL have booked to go away for the weekend of our DS's birthday. MIL is upset by this and would like for us to have a party for DS the previous weekend, in their house, with her baking the cake.

Am I unreasonable to tell them no? I thought it would be nice to have the party on the weekend which falls the day after his birthday, it'll be in our (small) house and me, the proud mama, would like to attempt to bake his cake.

I wouldn't mind, but my in-laws are ALWAYS going away and this night away is actually a voucher for a fancy hotel we bought for them nearly two years ago, and they book it on the weekend of DS's birthday?

When I said I'd do the cake, MIL said, 'but my friend Lucy does ALL her grandchildren's cakes!'

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 20/09/2016 09:13

I'd offer a compromise of tea and cake at PILs the w'end before and the party at yours the w'end after.
MIL can make a cake and so can you.

5moreminutes · 20/09/2016 09:13

In loads of cultures (Greek, Russian, German to name a few) it is considered really bad luck and tempting fate to celebrate before the date of the birthday (fine to celebrate later). Say you are superstitious!

Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse · 20/09/2016 09:14

If you honestly think she's doing this to be controlling then you've got to set the precedent. I agree with the others who are saying let her have a party but make it the week AFTER you've done your party.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/09/2016 09:14

He won't know which way is up at 1 year old. You're being faintly ridiculous. You're not even having his party on his birthday. Why ever not if that date means so much to you? There's absolutely no reason not to have two events, two cakes, given that neither will be on his actual birthday.

Your husband is right about this and it's a good solution to what is really a non-problem.

You seem to be having some sort of power struggle with your MIL and ultimately you will lose and so will your child. Don't sweat the small stuff. Really. Don't.

Catsick36 · 20/09/2016 09:14

Stick to your plans. Your baby your rules. She just wants her conscience appeased because she made other plans on his birthday weekend before she goes so she can enjoy herself. If hubby wants to organise the whole thing he can have it when he wants. We had our boys first birthday weeks before he turned 1 but thats cos his birthday is the week before Christmas.

DartmoorDoughnut · 20/09/2016 09:14

It's your first celebration not hers, a year ago you were the one in labour and it is as much a celebration of surviving the first year as it is celebrating him turning 1.

Obvs that's my opinion and I agree your DS won't have a clue what is going on which is why I think it's more important for the mum to celebrate it how she wants. In the future it's nice to do it all together as he'll love it but this one is for you guys.

BombadierFritz · 20/09/2016 09:15

whats the issue with having multiple parties? my kids have about 4: private at ours, at grannys, at nans, public with friends. the only problem is cake overload (it freezes well)

Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 09:15

redskytonight you sound like you've been talking to my husband! So diplomatic.

CocktailQueen exactly! if the birthday was so important they wouldn't have booked to go away. And she still goes on about a cake she baked for my DH 30 years ago so she should know the significance of doing these things yourself.

OP posts:
Creativemode · 20/09/2016 09:15

Why on earth did she book her weekend away on his birthday if she feels so strongly about the cake and party?

Creativemode · 20/09/2016 09:18

Lyingwitch why will the op lose? Why shouldn't she stand her ground?

Surely the mil has had her turn at organising parties and baking cakes. The first birthday is important to the op and she wants to do it her way.

DiegeticMuch · 20/09/2016 09:18

He's 1. Chill out.

Creativemode · 20/09/2016 09:19

Surely the mil should chill out too?

Why are the mils demands ok but the ops are not?

dillyduck · 20/09/2016 09:21

Either do it the weekend before at your house or do it at home on the day and let her have tea the following weekend (after the birthday)

MimiSunshine · 20/09/2016 09:22

OP what you need to be making clear to your husband is that you're not being mean to MIL and while he may feel quite passive about the birthday celebration it actually means a lot to you as DS's mummy and you want to host and bake the cake for your memories.

I'd go with birthday party is on X date but happy to go over to MIL of the weekend after to celebrate.
It's not who shouts loudest gets to host, parents of the baby do, grandparents have had their day

Goingtobeawesome · 20/09/2016 09:24

Of course your baby won't have a clue but that isn't the issue here. First birthdays are more for the parents than the child. Why does the MiL want to take that away? Sounds like power play. She's booked to go away so that was more important. Stand your ground but not for the child but because your MiL need

Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 09:26

Mimi passive is exactly how he is about it. He thinks I'm be contrary for the sake of it (hence the username), men just don't get these things do they?

MIL is very good at shouting the loudest. We had the afters for the baptism in their house and never again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 09:27

Mimi passive is exactly how he is about it. He thinks I'm be contrary for the sake of it (hence the username), men just don't get these things do they?

MIL is very good at shouting the loudest. We had the afters for the baptism in their house and never again.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/09/2016 09:27

Creativemode, OP will lose because at best, if she continues to turn this into a battle with her MIL - over trivial things - her husband will probably get fed up of refereeing them and then ANYTHING that crops up, major or minor, will be lumped into the same morass of 'nuisance'.

That's why I said about not making issues of the small stuff. OP could go to MIL and explain her point, make a counter offer for the week after or any week really, let MIL make a cake if she wants. Little kids love candles and would blow them out every day from my experience. What does it matter? OP can still reign supreme on his actual birthday (or the day before) if she wants.

An ultimate sanction of 'no contact' would affect OP's husband - and the child. I know that from experience too - as the child.

I have no problems with my MIL, we're as laid back as each other, but I can see how these little things can fester and grow. If I were in OP's position I would be working out the concessions that I would be prepared to give - and give them. Stand firm with good explanations on the ones I would not.

This, this double cake thing, is just silly.

Swirlingasong · 20/09/2016 09:29

Yanbu at all. I also put my foot down on this. I love baking and have very fond memories of my mum baking our birthday cakes so wanted to pass this on. Your son won't know any different, but you will and you are important too. I'd also be cross about the weekend away. Fine to go away but they can't then expect everyone else to arrange things around them, it's not like they didn't know when his birthday wasConfused

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 20/09/2016 09:30

It's all a bit more than about the first birthday - this how things will be set for your child forever!! If she has her way this time then she will be baking the 18 th and 21st cake also! She had her kids to do her thing. Now it's your turn. Don't feel bad for wanting to parent your own child and obviously having the good bits for yourself!! Thats the reward for the pains of labouring them!!

Sparklesilverglitter · 20/09/2016 09:30

Why not have a small tea party at the grandparents house with mil cake before they go away then have your party as planned which a cake you make or buy.
Having 2 cakes is never silly, I mean it's cake YUM

Bogeyface · 20/09/2016 09:31

Hate men who will cheerfully upset their wives if it means that they dont upset their mammies.

Ask him why he thinks that his mothers wishes trump yours when she wasnt so bothered about the birthday as to avoid that weekend for their trip.

jennyfromtheblock1975 · 20/09/2016 09:33

Everyone saying "He's one, he won't know anyway" is missing the point. This isn't about your dc, it's about standing up to your mil and setting boundaries. If you give in because "it won't matter because he's so young" you risk setting an unhealthy precedent which you then have to stick to forever because "You know it's TRADITION that I host your dc's birthday parties and make the cake! I've always done it!"

Eatthecake · 20/09/2016 09:35

With my DC as my in laws live a 2 hour drive away a week before there birthday we go and visit the in laws and mil makes a cake, then on there birthday they have parties with friends or a day out with friends and I make a cake. We've don't this since they were very small and it's always worked well.

Having 2 lots of cake is never silly, I mean seriously who think oh I've got too much cake. And grandparents aren't around forever and a photo in an album of grandmas cake alongside yours is a nice keepsake.

So I'd have a very small tea party with your in laws let mil bake a cake then on the actual birthday I'd bake my cake

sleepyMe12 · 20/09/2016 09:36

OP agree to hers the weekend after and make yourself busy the weekend before so no surprises!

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