AIBU to not want MIL to host DS's 1st birthday party in her house and let her bake the cake?

[Popularcontrarian]

First off, just to say my MIL is well intentioned, but by god she is bossy and controlling sometimes.

MIL and FIL have booked to go away for the weekend of our DS's birthday. MIL is upset by this and would like for us to have a party for DS the previous weekend, in their house, with her baking the cake.

Am I unreasonable to tell them no? I thought it would be nice to have the party on the weekend which falls the day after his birthday, it'll be in our (small) house and me, the proud mama, would like to attempt to bake his cake.

I wouldn't mind, but my in-laws are ALWAYS going away and this night away is actually a voucher for a fancy hotel we bought for them nearly two years ago, and they book it on the weekend of DS's birthday?

When I said I'd do the cake, MIL said, 'but my friend Lucy does ALL her grandchildren's cakes!'

Don't let her boss you about! Just tell her his birthday weekend is when he's having his party and you are baking the cake but she can see him the weekend before if she's free. Who gives a f*#% about her friend Lucy?!!!!

have it when you want. you need to establish the boundaries. had no end of trouble with mil trying to dictate stuff. she learned eventually that I would meet/do parties when it was convenient, and for a good reason. (eg autistic boys do not do well in a posh hotel for three hour meal. )

I think you have to compromise a bit - either have the party at yours and she provides the cake, or have it at theirs and you do the cake.

Why? This isn't a co-parenting relationship.

OP for ease of relations maybe go with a date that they can make but you host & bake.

Oh and I'd be reminding DH of the wedding and baptism plus any other that you've gone along with because it was important to the parents / in laws but this is important to you so you hope he understands and supports you

Maybe the op is just fed up of other Poole interfering and bossing her around over what to do with her own wedding and child.

I think you should just say "we are having the birthday party on Saturday 12th, it's unfortunate that you are away that weekend but of course you can see him the week before/after, and of course you can make him a cake".

To all the people saying it is no big deal surely it should be no big deal to the mil?

It's up to the op how she feels about her child's birthday.

I would tell them the party a week before is a no go as you are busy. You are hosting a party on his actual birthday weekend where you will be making a cake.
However, they are very welcome to host a little party where she can make a cake the week after.

Problem solved, everyone happy!

I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I found it extremely emotional to be singing happy birthday to my DS and DD for the first time, more so with my DS because he was my first baby. The OP has already arranged the party for her baby's first birthday, she'll have a level of expectation about how it will be, only now she's got pressure from her MIL to sod that and do it her way first. Firsts do matter to the people who'll remember them, and why should the OP put her idea for her child to the side to keep the peace when the MIL couldn't even be arsed to book her weekend away for a different weekend?

I think YANBU.

Aworld - yep. Yes to granny's party, no to her throwing it a week early.

What's not to like........cake at MILs and then cake at yours the next week. Ds will not have a clue anyway, let MIL get it out of her system now rather than when he is big enough to realise it his birthday and even then,so what if he has 2 celebrations, make it a thing. It's really not worth falling out over and it's a bit of a non-issue really. It's lovely she wants to do it and if it is just for show, the novelty will wear thin and this may be the only year you have to endure it.

Stick to your guns!

My eldest's 1st birthday was hijacked by MIL & SIL. We'd planned to have a BBQ/party with family & friends on the Saturday, 2 days after the actual birthday. However, a month or so beforehand we discovered, through a circuitous route, that MIL & SIL had planned a party at MIL's house 40 miles away and invited parts of her family, some of her friends/neighbours and 2 of SIL's friends who lived locally to us! We were rather upset when they insisted they couldn't change their plans, and when asked why they hadn't told us what they were planning (it wasn't a surprise party) the response was an indignant "Why should we?!". They suggested we should have our BBQ on the Sunday - no time to prepare the day before, knackered after a day away from home - and as it turned out the Saturday was glorious weather and the Sunday was wet & cold so it never happened. I was exceedingly annoyed and nearly refused to go - I only did because not doing so would have further upset my wife.

And it wasn't done out of kindness, or wanting to take the pressure off us to organise something - if it had been they'd have consulted us from the outset. It was motivated by the desire to show off the 1st grandchild to their family & friends.

It was nearly a decade ago but it still makes me and I've not forgiven them for it.

I get why this is important to you op. MIL insisted in brining cake for their other GS ( DH nephew) to DS 1st Birthday. I have not forgiven her for that.

Their birthdays were not the same day, SIL didn't do parties for her own kids (she had 3 by then and had got bored of doing it) and everyone knew that DS was going to be an only.

MIL just couldn't cope with the events being all about DS and not her family. She brought it even though I told her not to.

I keep joking that I'm going to bring my own cake to her other GS 18th ( he's born in the same day as me) to see if she likes that!

Have it the weekend before, but at your home, making it very obvious that you'll be hosting the party and making the cake, plus any other refreshments!
You are throwing the party at a time to suit the in-laws, but you'll be inviting guests of your choice, and they will be guests (albeit honoured) in your home, to celebrate your child's first birthday!
I would also make it crystal clear that, for this first year you'll have the party early to accommodate the in-laws, but it won't be happening again!

You seem to be having some sort of power struggle with your MIL and ultimately you will lose and so will your child. Don't sweat the small stuff. Really. Don't

why do you think this is their behavior over this trip away - their fault then expecting everything to be adjusted around them shows their attitude.

When my DC hopefully bless me with GC I would never just wade in with = " oh darling i will be making the cake" no way!!!!! How utterly rude!!!

I shall say - "If you need any help, ££ physical, the cake etc, let me know I am here to help!"!!!!!!!

I wont decide and wade in with no conversation about it...thats rude, thats bad behaviour and thats behaviour that causes the issues we see time and time and time again on here.

I agree with Jenny. My problem with MIL making the cake and hosting the one and only party would be the setting of a precedent for all birthdays to come.

You mentioned in your OP that MIL can be controlling. Without that element, I would probably be with the "what does it matter?" brigade, but with that, I do think you have to set your boundaries right from the beginning.

It's very true that a 1 year old will have no clue what a birthday is, let alone whether you are celebrating it on the right day. 1st birthday parties are quite often much more for the parents to mark the milestone than to entertain the actual child.

If your feeling is that YOU want to make DS's "main" birthday cake, then you make it. If you want to host his party at your house, the day after his birthday then that is what you do. Hopefully, this isn't something you need to fall out with MIL about though - there's nothing wrong with tea & cake at PIL's house the following weekend is there?

But ultimately, if MIL has the kind of personality that likes to take over arrangements (wedding, christening, 1st birthday......) then IMHO you do need to stick to your guns and politely inform her that you'll be making a cake thank you, and that you are unavailable the weekend before DS's birthday but would happy to pop round for an afternoon the following weekend.

I'm all for picking your battles and let a lot slip with my MIL but I was DIL number 3 and 2 SIL's suffered blood, sweat, tears and on one case 2 years of no contact before so I had a very easy ride.

Given all the history I think now is the time to make a stand. I think it's quite controlling of MIL to go away that weekend which is clearly the date his birthday will be celebrated, then turn round and want to host it at hers the week before and make a cake - sort of wanting your cake and eat it really.

So my view is tea party the week after at hers and she can make that cake . The key to this is take the drama out of it and just state it very calmly over and over - you will be grateful if you practice now as great for the teenage years !

OP what you need to be making clear to your husband is that you're not being mean to MIL and while he may feel quite passive about the birthday celebration it actually means a lot to you as DS's mummy and you want to host and bake the cake for your memories

Yes this ^ without a doubt. Its setting a precedent.

And she still goes on about a cake she baked for my DH 30 years ago so she should know the significance of doing these things yourself

same here op!!! Her making cakes is treated with huge significance in dh house...crucial memories to her and she has a book of pics of all the cakes she made with very sad withdrawn dc by them

I think that the issue of MIL's party the week before is that given her previous tendency to "take over" the important events in OP's life - the wedding and Christening etc - that it is likely that MIL will invite all the family etc to "her" party leaving OP with the very low turnout at her even - I mean how many people want to attend 2 tea parties for the same baby?

So I can understand that OP wants to have her party first.

The main options seem to be

• to hold your party as planned and agree to go over for cake at PIL the week after
• to hold your party a week early at your home

Say, 'Poor Lucy, some grandparents are so put upon. We would never exploit you in that way. Enough that you were darling enough to do the Christening, but never again. '

'I have been planning which cake recipe for ages! Could you make some bunting?'

etc.

Of course below the belt to question what will happen to the cakeless descendants of Lucy when she snuffs it.

So my view is tea party the week after at hers and she can make that cake . The key to this is take the drama out of it and just state it very calmly over and over - you will be grateful if you practice now as great for the teenage years !

yes, be clear about it - no discussions anymore, just be " but he isnt one yet the week before its silly, no party as agreed and mil the week after"

end of conversation and just act likes is utterly mad to think of doing it week before

end of.

No don't. Throw the party on the weekend you have already chosen, the one that is straight after his actual birthday.
That the in-laws booked to go away that weekend was their choice. Do not alter your plans to accommodate them. As a pp said, this is not a co-parenting relationship. They don't have 'dibs' on the proceedings.

Any reasonable grandparent would understand that they had knowingly made the choice to miss the birthday. Those inclined to do so, might organise something for after they got back. Only a grandparent with an inflated sense of self would attempt to control the whole occasion, including dates, to suit themselves.

PS: I'm a SM and a SGM, and I really don't understand this entitlement some grandparents seem to feel! There is NO entitlement, other than that which the child's parent wish to give....end of!

It's just an extra birthday party. Let them have this. I agree with picking your battles.

PPS: I also have my own DGD....and have a great relationship with my D in L, but I always allow her to lead, her word is law as far as I'm concerned!

When I said I'd do the cake, MIL said, 'but my friend Lucy does ALL her grandchildren's cakes!

who cares? Her friend Lucy could well be My Mil another cake thruster where its not wanted

Only a grandparent with an inflated sense of self would attempt to control the whole occasion, including dates, to suit themselves.

^^ exactly you would think instead of trying to reorg the whole thing they would show some humility.

But op, as you have said they are used to running the show. Time to adress this.

I too agree with picking your battles - and this IS one you need to fight.

Those posters asking why does it matter whose party is first... It does. It matters to the OP. Some posters can empathise with this and others can't. It doesn't make the OP silly for feeling this way and she doesn't need to explain herself to those posters who don't get the importance.