AIBU to not want MIL to host DS's 1st birthday party in her house and let her bake the cake?

[Popularcontrarian]

First off, just to say my MIL is well intentioned, but by god she is bossy and controlling sometimes.

MIL and FIL have booked to go away for the weekend of our DS's birthday. MIL is upset by this and would like for us to have a party for DS the previous weekend, in their house, with her baking the cake.

Am I unreasonable to tell them no? I thought it would be nice to have the party on the weekend which falls the day after his birthday, it'll be in our (small) house and me, the proud mama, would like to attempt to bake his cake.

I wouldn't mind, but my in-laws are ALWAYS going away and this night away is actually a voucher for a fancy hotel we bought for them nearly two years ago, and they book it on the weekend of DS's birthday?

When I said I'd do the cake, MIL said, 'but my friend Lucy does ALL her grandchildren's cakes!'

It doesn't matter if DS won't remember it, YOU will! He's your DS, you get to choose how / when / where the 1st birthday party happens and IMO you should get to do your party first.

If Mil wants to bake a cake the following weekend then that's lovely of her, but stick to your guns OP! I made my DS cake for his 1st & 2nd parties and wouldn't have had it any other way. I'm not the best baker but it meant a lot to me.

Don't expect DH to back you up, I dont think men always understand our qwirks! but please don't let your MiL take over!

I have a horrible suspicion that, if the OP follows some of the advice on here and lets her MIL have a small party the weekend before the birthday, it will NOT be a small party!

Her MIL will roll out the decorations and balloons, and a vast birthday cake, and will take hundreds of photos, which will be all over the family/FB as 'Little PopularBaby's First Birthday Party' - it will be made into a huge deal, and will forever be the OP's memory of her child's first birthday.

I can understand why the baby's first birthday is a big deal - it is a real milestone, and the first time you get to celebrate that child's birthday, and it seems as if the MIL is trying to hijack it.

If I were going to offer a compromise, it would be a party at the MIL's on the weekend AFTER the OP's party. If the MIL is a reasonable person, who doesn't want to hijack the baby's first birthday, this will be fine - if she kicks off about it, it would confirm my suspicions about her and the party.

I think this might be a good opportunity to establish a boundary with your mil whereby she must accept that she doesn't have a decision making, birthday-changing, parental role in your son's life.

Be calm, be pleasant but be firm. And most of all, get your dh to see the wood for the trees on this one. You are not being unreasonable so don't allow it to make you behave unreasonably. They may spit their dummies but that's their problem. Hold firm, be chill. Don't waver.

If, like me, you are generally laid back and a team player, your dh will soon understand that this matters to you and support your decision willingly.
I hope.

AbyssinianBanana Tue 20-Sep-16 10:46:28

^^ so glad when posters come along and sum things up so well, couldnt agree more.

A few emails have been sent between me and my DH with me discussing my plans for DS's cake. He says it sounds great...when I mentioned the party being on the day in-laws are away, he said he didn't know if it'd work but it's not our fault at the same time and that we'll see.

Noncommittal but definitely not a dead-set no!

You seem to be having some sort of power struggle with your MIL and ultimately you will lose
Stopped reading at this point.
OP, if you are having a power struggle with your MIL, you must win. You are the Mummy. You get to say.

Why can't MIL change the weekend away? Has anyone asked her?

Op, you are quite right to insist that the first birthday party is when you want it.

If the MIL is a reasonable person, who doesn't want to hijack the baby's first birthday, this will be fine - if she kicks off about it, it would confirm my suspicions about her and the party

exaclty. I have been through cake wars myself. its about control.

That Pampers advert has turned me into a snotty, blubbering wreck. It's possible I'm pre-menstrual.

Why can't MIL change the weekend away? Has anyone asked her? Indeed but why should see it seems they are used to having the world revolve around them!

Make him see. Meanwhile don't hover waiting for his 'decision'. He doesn't get to take this significant 'first' away and give it to his bloody mother to reside over. He has to accept that you won't relinquish it.

pictish I will. He's at work so I'm just planting the thoughts in his head for now. It wouldn't work in my favour to annoy him while he's busy!

Oh, ignore the MIL and go ahead planning the party for YOUR son when YOU think is the best date. And plan making the cake.

Compromise with what you want on the w/e of his birthday - as people say, if it were so important to her she shouldn't have chosen to go away - and then have another party the following w/e when they're back.

That is a compromise, not the one they want, but a compromise nevertheless.

Remind dh of all the crap you've done to appease her already - baptism and whatever else - and tell him you're sticking to this, and it's time she was reciprocally compromising.

You make the cake. It's a rite of passage. She did hers a long time ago and now it's your turn.

No no...have this discussion at home. Even write down the points you want to make so you'll be able to stay calm, reasonable and on point without it descending into a row.

Your mil has no business changing the date of her gs birthday to prioritise herself over his mum. Calmly repeat until it sinks in.

Unless you change the way you respond, your parents and inlaws will continue to dictate what you do.

You've already had the wedding someone else wanted, and a baptism you didn't want. You're already a long way down the road of being ordered about by both sets of parents. So it's not being petty over a party- it's drawing a line in the sand, and doing what suits your family of three, not what suits your inlaws.

Have the party on the day you've planned. Be too busy to do anything the weekend before, and tell MIL this - what's she going to do, kidnap you all? Have a strop? You can have MIL's party the week after.

My MIL wanted to make DDs cake. I said no. All of my fondest memories growing up are centred on my mum making my cake. She wasnt the best baker in the world but growing up very poor it was a real treat. I will be baking ALL of my DDs cakes. Its my way of showing my love for her.

Plus my MIL isnt that great a baker anyhow although everyone raves on about how fab a cook she is

She can do a birthday tea AFTER she gets back from her weekend away and after the main party.

Start as you mean to go on.

Op said It wouldn't work in my favour to annoy him while he's busy

What on earth does that mean Op? Why should you organising your DSs birthday party annoy him and what will he do if he is annoyed? He sounds as bad as his mother TBH.

Stick to your guns, she has had her children and their parties, now it is your turn. Go ahead with your plans to have party when you want, offer to see them afterwards. If he wants to pander to mummy, you have a DH problem, as is so often pointed out on MN.

We dont live close to grandparents, so this never arose, but even if we had, there is no way that it would have got past an initial suggestion. My DC, my turn to organise parties. We have had GP at birthdays, but only when we have invited them to share the celebrations.

pictish I agree, email isn't the way to do it. It was just a sentence about me being excited about the cake and then me lightheartedly saying I hope it would be ok with ILs for us to have the party on the day we (I) wanted.

I'll talk properly to him later, and very calmly too. He's a reasonable person and fingers crossed will see the light.

To Inertia and others who've also made this point. Yes exactly, I'm just asserting myself as I mean to go on. Who hosts Christmas is going to be another battle I'll need to fight so I'm laying the foundations for how I intend to continue.

AnneElliott - not seeing the issue with that extra cake tbh, you sound a bit petty and mean.

OP, this need not be the big deal it is threatening to be. Let MIL celebrate her little GC's birthday, have a little tea party with her the week after. She can make a cake for that.

kath what I mean is that he sees this as a non issue (he's a man, they don't get these things) and me whittering on about it in emails, when he's already stressed will just piss him off!

It would be interesting to find out exactly how many of DH's parties were hosted at his granny's house - on the MIL side. If current MIL is going on about cakes that she has baked 30 years ago then I'm doubting that it will have happened.

Can you point out to DH that you have already capitulated to MIL twice - you've had the wedding and the christening that MIL wanted rather than the ones that you would have chosen (or chosen not to have) and that for once, you would like to do things your way. One out of three of those is not a big ask.

Just because her friend Jane makes cakes for her GC - so what. I bet that there are plenty of other of her friends that have never baked cakes for their gc. Or have upset a lot of their dd/dil's by insisting and not letting them have a go at parenting their own children when they want to.

I'd just keep pointing out that she is the one that is being unreasonable. It's not unreasonable to want to have your own child's birthday party on the day that you choose. If she books a weekend away on the weekend of her gc's first birthday - what does she expect? If she's pulling the PA card on you and dh, then throw it back to her - she either forgot that it was the birthday weekend when booking - in which case she can't be that bothered or she would have written it in her diary. Or go the full PA route - if you loved gc properly you would have never have dreamt of booking a holiday without at least checking the date of the party.

Given the history of her controlling things and making things happen to her tune (esp. wedding and christening) then it becomes all the more important to not let her take over every time. This is not someone who is usually lovely and who made an honest mistake. You are not someone who hates making cakes and has a mil that is a cake decorating lecturer and so there's a mutual convenience about her making the cake for you.

She is trying to take something away from you. Don't let her!

I am a mother in law, step mother, step mother in law, nanny, step nanny, daughter in law etc.
Do what you want to do full stop. Your baby, your choice.
I love baking cakes. I asked first daughter in law if she wanted me to make a birthday cake for first grandchild/first birthday. She said thanks for the offer but I want to have a go at it myself. End of story. Was I disappointed? Of course not, it's not my baby's first birthday.

I can understand that, my DH would be same. So dont email him about it if he is not interested in the detail.

You have set a date, you are baking the cake, there is nothing to discuss around those. I wouldnt even enter into a conversation with him or his mother, just sort out inviting people to your planned party. If he insists you go to MIL the weekend before, then just be busy!

One of earlier posts was a guy saying his MIL and SIL organised their own party to coincide with the BBQ he & DW planned. But why did they go to the party? No is a complete answer. Their child, their party, why didnt they just carry on with their plans rather than go to MIL 40 miles away!