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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want MIL to host DS's 1st birthday party in her house and let her bake the cake?

292 replies

Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 08:50

First off, just to say my MIL is well intentioned, but by god she is bossy and controlling sometimes.

MIL and FIL have booked to go away for the weekend of our DS's birthday. MIL is upset by this and would like for us to have a party for DS the previous weekend, in their house, with her baking the cake.

Am I unreasonable to tell them no? I thought it would be nice to have the party on the weekend which falls the day after his birthday, it'll be in our (small) house and me, the proud mama, would like to attempt to bake his cake.

I wouldn't mind, but my in-laws are ALWAYS going away and this night away is actually a voucher for a fancy hotel we bought for them nearly two years ago, and they book it on the weekend of DS's birthday?

When I said I'd do the cake, MIL said, 'but my friend Lucy does ALL her grandchildren's cakes!'

OP posts:
Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 09:36

I'm normally pretty easygoing about rituals, weddings, birthdays that kind of thing, so my husband doesn't quite understand how this is important to me.

We had the wedding our parents wanted, rather than what we wanted. Now that DS is here, I have to put a stop to it. We also baptised our DS because of our inlaws. I'm a bloody atheist and had to lie to the Reverend about being a convert! It was AWFUL.

OP posts:
Chinnygirl · 20/09/2016 09:39

To me it feels a bit that she wants to take over. Reading this leaves a nasty taste in my mouth. I don't know if you should allow this.

I come from a big family with several people not talking to eachother so maybe I'm just very careful to keep boundaries to avoid falling out. Might just be me.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 20/09/2016 09:40

Let MIL bake a cake and sing happy birthday a week early. Then you host DS' actual birthday party at your home with your cake when you want to host it.

I would gently put your foot down on the comparisons with Lucy's DGC. If there has been a point in the past when MIL has criticised Lucy, then remind her of that, and say 'oh, but remember Lucy did x, so I don't think we should follow her example with DGCs. We have the chance to make our own family traditions rather than follow Lucy's.'

Pinkheart5915 · 20/09/2016 09:40

Why does it have to be a fight with your mil?

Have a small tea party with Nan & grandad and mil cake then on the birthday make your own cake and have your own party. I just don't understand all the fuss for a 1 year olds tea party.

Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 09:40

I rationalised lying to the Rev by telling myself it was important to my MIL and hence I should go along with the whole charade. It being a good christian by lying.

OP posts:
MulberryBush12 · 20/09/2016 09:42

I don't agree with Lying's suggestion of going to the MIL to explain your POV and making counter offers, at all. You are his mother, you'll make the arrangements and let MIL know what they are; not the other way around. Can you imagine your MIL tolerating this scenario from her MIL? Unlikely!!
You're not able to have his party on his actual birthday, so in that case make it before as your DH has suggested, at your house and you make the cake. Just use the broken record technique if she attempts to shout you down re cake.
She can have a small tea party for him after the event /weekend away, but don't let her have the first party -she sounds like she'd make it an enormous event.
Your DH is right on this one.

Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 09:43

I don't want to fight with her, I just want to set boundaries.

Surely it's possible for me to have the birthday I want for my DS and not have a fight about it? If I navigate this appropriately it shouldn't end in a fight.

OP posts:
Sparklesilverglitter · 20/09/2016 09:45

But you can still have the party for your ds the day after his birthday like you planned, even making your own cake.

Granny wants to make a cake and sign happy birthday a week early.

I wouldn't fight over it tbh, life is too short!

wayway13 · 20/09/2016 09:46

No no no no no! Your child, your party, your cake!! She has had her time. Have the party when you want it. She can have a catch up AFTER yours (the first birthday cake/celebration should be yours). I really don't understand what is wrong with some people.

FrayedHem · 20/09/2016 09:48

I could understand the irritation if your in-law's weren't going away and were insisting on hosting, but surely your in-laws being away is in your favour?

They won't be there for his actual birthday so you can host it exactly how you wish. MIL's party is an early celebration as she will be away for the main event.

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 20/09/2016 09:49

No. MIL can have tea and cake but the weekend AFTER. Not before

This is just so petty. What difference does it make? ITs like small children shouting MINE, its kinda pathetic.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 20/09/2016 09:49

She sounds a lot like my mother in law. Hearts in the right place but can often be quite controlling, likes to organise and host everything. She booked a weekend away on my due date "because babies never arrive on time", baby was on time!
I used to go along with everything for an easy life, I've decided that I need to stop this and started saying no.

I think you should as pp have said host your sons party on the date you want but offer her a weekend/week night afterwards.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell her you'd like to host the party and make the cake as you're his mum, she'd be unreasonable not to accept this.

pictish · 20/09/2016 09:50

Yanbu - why on earth should your mil get to make your ds's birthday all about herself and what she wants? She's had her kids, she's had her turn and now it's yours.

Yes she can throw him a little party and bake him a cake...but not before you do!

Pagwatch · 20/09/2016 09:50

Two parties, two cakes - I don't see the problem.

It's not a line in the sand. It's a small gathering for a small child who won't care and won't remember. Why do some many posters treat and issue with a mil like the western front.

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 20/09/2016 09:51

OP, you have your priorities so arseways....you lied to a vicar and christened your kid without a word, but you want to fight over who has cake on what day?
That is nuts.

MulberryBush12 · 20/09/2016 09:51

Also the posters who are commenting on "don't understand all this fuss re 1st birthday party" have missed the point entirely. The crux of the issue is the MIL wants to take over, OP has made loads of compromises in the past re christening & after-party plus her wedding. Now is the time to gently put her foot down.
OP doesn't have to be confrontational with MIL-just quietly firm.
Making a child's birthday cake is an enormous pleasure for a mum, MIL has had her time to do this with your DH!

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 20/09/2016 09:52

Now is the time to gently put her foot down

Nope, that was long ago, over things that actually matter. Not this.

Marmitepasta · 20/09/2016 09:52

YABU.

i honestly think you're being a bit precious.

Why can't you just have a little party the weekend before with the pils at their house and then have another celebratio at home the weekend of his actual birthday!

we often end having two celebrations for our kids - depends when grandparents ae around etc and it's just a non issue. MIL wants to do something the weekend before, just let her! it doesn't stop you doing something else on his bday weekend.

i would understand if it was an either or but it's not! just relax and enjoy your little boy.

RhodaBorrocks · 20/09/2016 09:52

I think you have to compromise a bit - either have the party at yours and she provides the cake, or have it at theirs and you do the cake.

I've never even thought about it tbh. My XDPs family were never bothered about celebrating the actual day, they live miles away anyway, so we've done a little party with them with store bought cake when we see them &:usually a month or so later) and my family usually does a proper party tea with either me or my DM making the cake depending on what DS wants. For his 1st we avoided all hassle and went to a local hotel for lunch and had a cake made for us. It was lovely and totally stress free.

As DS is older now I make all the cake for his parties too. When you get to that point you may appreciate MIL doing the cake for family whilst you're making cake for 30 kids! ;) I don't mean that as in you don't appreciate her now, just that kids parties are a bloody nightmare!

WutheringTights · 20/09/2016 09:53

I'd insist on it being at your house and you making the cake (this was important to me too so I understand it - you've done the hard yards so you get to do the fun things too). But I'd compromise on the date. The actual date of the party is less important than having the important people in his life who love him present for the occasion. I think your husband is right on this one; it's a good compromise and shows that you're not being a complete witch for the sake of it, surely good for family harmony.

thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 20/09/2016 09:53

I agree with PP who say choose your battles, don't sweat the small stuff, etc.

However first baby's first birthday isn't small stuff, it's a pretty special occasion (more so for Mum than anyone else in my experience). No, baby won't have a clue so the celebrations are definitely for the adults, and GPs only get to organise it if the parents ask/permit them to.

Anyone who plans a duplicate event shortly before another already planned event is without doubt aiming to steal the thunder of the other, and I think it's actually quite a nasty thing to do. There is never the same enthusiasm for the second event, especially celebrating the same occasion just a week later.

I'd make it clear to her that as she has chosen to be absent for the birthday party, it would be OK for her to organise a small tea party after she gets back, but make sure everyone in the family knows that your party is the only 'official' event.

Good luck, YADNBU!

BombadierFritz · 20/09/2016 09:56

frankly you are going to look and sound ridiculous if you throw a strop over a cake. you might have the worst mil in the world, but if you choose to start the war over cake, you make yourself look unreasonable.

pictish · 20/09/2016 09:56

Why does she have to compromise a bit? Don't get me wrong, I think it's lovely that granny loves her wee gs so much she wants to bake a cake and have a little party to celebrate his first birthday....but I don't think she gets to muscle in on it so much that she gets in there first, on a random date that suits her. Hell no.

cheapandcheerful · 20/09/2016 09:57

But my friend Lucy does ALL her grandchildren's cakes!

That's nice for Lucy. And also nice for all of her grandchildren, who I suspect have a grandmother who doesn't book holidays over their birthdays.

Eatthecake · 20/09/2016 09:58

You claim to be an atheist but you stood back and let your DC be christened and didn't try to make boundaries but mil tries to bake you child a Cake and hell breaks loose.

Absouletly bonkers! You let your DC be christened and didn't put your foot down but all this over cake.Confused