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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want MIL to host DS's 1st birthday party in her house and let her bake the cake?

292 replies

Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 08:50

First off, just to say my MIL is well intentioned, but by god she is bossy and controlling sometimes.

MIL and FIL have booked to go away for the weekend of our DS's birthday. MIL is upset by this and would like for us to have a party for DS the previous weekend, in their house, with her baking the cake.

Am I unreasonable to tell them no? I thought it would be nice to have the party on the weekend which falls the day after his birthday, it'll be in our (small) house and me, the proud mama, would like to attempt to bake his cake.

I wouldn't mind, but my in-laws are ALWAYS going away and this night away is actually a voucher for a fancy hotel we bought for them nearly two years ago, and they book it on the weekend of DS's birthday?

When I said I'd do the cake, MIL said, 'but my friend Lucy does ALL her grandchildren's cakes!'

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 20/09/2016 09:58

Oh, MIL, you had the chance to bake cakes for your children! Now it's my turn to bake birthday cakes for mine

Yes if you want to create more issues than already exists, as OP says she doesnt want to fight with her MIL. What a snide wee dig that would be. I hate all the "shes had her TURN", as if it is a competition. Ok shes a bit controlling but she is OPs husbands Mother and DCs Gran, whats wrong with 2 tea parties, 2 cakes, dont get the angst.

pictish · 20/09/2016 09:58

Fairy I agree. The first birthday is mum's prerogative. There's nothing wrong with granny's cake or granny's wee party...but not first ffs.

EdmundCleverClogs · 20/09/2016 09:59

It's not petty to want to arrange your child's first birthday the way you want. The child doesn't know what's going on, but you do. Much like Christmas and such, it's for the parents to enjoy these 'firsts' in the way they choose to. I think it's fine to have a second party at the grandparents, but after the actually birthday. It's not your fault they chose to go away around this time. There is obviously a case of a battle of wills here, a foot must be put down.

pictish · 20/09/2016 10:00

Absolutely Edmund.

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 20/09/2016 10:01

Fairy I agree. The first birthday is mum's prerogative. There's nothing wrong with granny's cake or granny's wee party...but not first ffs

But what does it matter whose is first? It's not a competition. OP's will be closer to the birthday, she can call that the win if it really has to be about beating the MIL.

People do make life hard for themselves.

Peanutbutterrules · 20/09/2016 10:01

Completely understand how you feel. Endless negotiating over stuff that should be in your control is exhausting.

Frankly - you make your plans, and invite them. Not their job to take over as it suits them.

Its time to set firm, polite boundaries. If everything turns into coming up with a version that keeps your MIL happy you will suck the joy out of so much.

Sometimes people just need telling.

LagunaBubbles · 20/09/2016 10:01

Does it really matter who "goes first"? Confused

LagunaBubbles · 20/09/2016 10:02

Does it really matter who "goes first"? Confused

pictish · 20/09/2016 10:02

Peanut yep.

thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 20/09/2016 10:05

But what does it matter whose is first? It's not a competition

Err.. yes, it is. The MIL made it one by not immediately giving way to the OP when she said she wanted to make the cake.

wayway13 · 20/09/2016 10:06

OP please watch this video. It's a Pampers advert from China but it has subtitles. YANBU or precious or petty. Your baby's first birthday is a huge deal for you and DH. If MIL can't be there on the day then she can celebrate after. She doesn't host the main party and she doesn't get to do the cake.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=yiBO6fdMLAc

Sparklesilverglitter · 20/09/2016 10:06

Why doe it mater who goes first ffs? Confused it's a sodding cake the child won't even remember the following day.

All this no 1st birthday are for the Mums, fine but op will still have the child on his actual birthday and her party the day after Confused so she will still get her special birthday

The time to put your foot down op was over something massive like having a child baptised when you do not believe in it Not over a cake, has nobody ever told you to pick your battles

Humidseptember · 20/09/2016 10:07

MIL and FIL have booked to go away for the weekend of our DS's birthday. MIL is upset by this

Tough titties!!

How entitled and I hate using that word

ssd · 20/09/2016 10:07

I really dont understand these MIL's who want to take over stuff like this, I have boys only and would never assume its fine to do this, sure he will have 2 birthdays and he wont know if its new york or new year but this sets a precedent that MIL gets to throw another party and bake the cake cos she wants to take this on..

Original poster
Popularcontrarian · 20/09/2016 10:08

Eatthecake When I say I'm an atheist, what I really am is someone who doesn't believe, yet is tolerant of other's views. I think it's all hocus pocus and went along with it because she cares so deeply about religion.

I care more about cakes and birthdays than religion. That's how much of an atheist I am.

OP posts:
MulberryBush12 · 20/09/2016 10:09

Anyone who plans a duplicate event shortly before another already planned event is without doubt aiming to steal the thunder of the other, and I think it's actually quite a nasty thing to do. There is never the same enthusiasm for the second event, especially celebrating the same occasion just a week later.
^
Agree
The other thing that strikes me, if MIL has a do the week before, will it be an enormous one, rather than just a tea party?
Am 😮 at those saying why kick up a fuss now? Surely it's obvious that the cumulative effect of MIL's controlling behaviour has now really pissed off the OP; the fact that it's over a birthday cake is neither here nor there.

Humidseptember · 20/09/2016 10:09

The MIL made it one by not immediately giving way to the OP when she said she wanted to make the cake

I agree.

What if ops mum also wants to make a cake? what then?

Op, it is a big deal for you as parents and esp for you as mum.

You can make it to be what you want after all. No one dictates to you.

Be casual and light " no, its on the day we said it would be, but if you want to also do something with him, feel free"

pictish · 20/09/2016 10:10

Laguna perhaps it doesn't matter to you...maybe this isn't one of your personal sticking points...but you will have some of your own I have no doubt.
Lots of us here share the OP's feeling that this 'first' is hers to enjoy. The novelty value of your own child's first birthday is something that simply cannot be replicated a week later. The first blowing out of candles, the first airing of the song, the giving of shiny gifts and delight of balloons...

No. This is not mil's to have. It's OP's.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/09/2016 10:10

Popular, I didn't see your post about the christening - and about your wedding. These were not small things and that was the time to smile and say, "Thanks MIL but we're going to do it this way". Every time.

Your son's first birthday, of course it's a major milestone for you and yes, you can have his birthday any way you want (after all, child is permanently in your custody) - but why not let MIL do 'coffee and cake' the week before? It will be a compromise and one that you could live with surely? Call it 'coffee and cake' and not his birthday. He doesn't have two 1st birthdays and doesn't need to. Say "Thanks MIL, that will be lovely, we'll see you for coffee and cake on x-day. It's a shame that you can't be here for his birthday tea but...next year".

Also, there's nothing there for your husband to argue or complain about.

Sparkles, I meant arguing over two cakes is silly. Cakes are never silly, nor the reasons for having them!

ParadiseCity · 20/09/2016 10:10

Broken record.

MIL: No thank you MIL, I've been looking forward to hosting the party and making the cake. We will save you a slice of course.

DH: this is the first anniversary of a child being detached from my broken and battered body and a celebration that we have made it so far without one of us pushing the other out of the window. I am not celebrating this at your mother's house.

Although I remember my own MIL looking at my AMAZING (not) home made cake for DD and saying 'oh if I realised you were going to try and make a cake I'd have offered to buy you a PROPER one'.

Since then I say yes please whenever she offers, followed by 'DC would really LOVE a castle/sports car/sculpture of the Taj Mahal' etc and she goes off to the worlds fanciest bakers and comes back with a work of art.

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 20/09/2016 10:11

Stealing thunder? Cake making competitions? Do you people hear yourselves? My toddlers are less childish!

Swirlingasong · 20/09/2016 10:11

Sparkles, no, the op has been upset and controlled by her ILs once over the baptism. Not having put her foot down then absolutely does NOT mean she has to just accept what they want forever more!

pictish · 20/09/2016 10:11

Mulberry quite.
It's not the cake - it's the muscling in and taking over.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/09/2016 10:12

Coffee and cake could just as easily be the week after, I agree.

FurryLittleTwerp · 20/09/2016 10:12

Tell her no - it is not up to her to dictate like this - sounds like she is not used to people standing up to her. Your baby, your party, your cake Grin

When she booked her weekend away I expect in her head it didn't matter because the party would be at her house the weekend before so it wasn't a problem. Very unlikely she would have forgotten when the birthday was.

Agree with PP that your DS won't mind or even remember any of it, but that isn't the point