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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU that she calls herself aunty?

163 replies

Brandysnaps76 · 19/09/2016 21:25

My brother in law has a girlfriend of 14 months. She's significantly younger than he is. It's a large family, with many siblings and nieces/nephews. Since the beginning, she's always referred to herself as 'aunty X' with my own children and the other cousins. She calls them her nieces and nephewsI find this to be...I'm not sure what the word is, maybe presumptious? We do consider her part of the family, but I just find it too soon to be committing to 'aunty'. Me and my husband have been together a long long time, married last years and it was only when i became pregnant with our first (4 now) that other members of the family referred to me as aunty. And up till then I referred to them as my partners nieces and nephews whenever they came up in conversation.
AIBU to be miffed by this? She can be overbearing and in your face at the best of times, but maybe its just me to think that they've not been in a relationship long enough yet to commit to these roles?

OP posts:

OlennasWimple · 19/09/2016 21:53

We had lots of uncles and aunties too - basically an honorific title for grown ups who were close to our parents. So I don't find it weird (though I'm not sure about her referring to them as her nieces and nephews - I guess it's shorthand for "my BF's nieces and nephews").

I do think it's weird that your DH's family didn't call you "aunty" after you got married, but only after you got pregnant - what's that about?

NataliaOsipova · 19/09/2016 21:54

Agree with merrymouse

I have a couple of friends who always refer to me - to their children - as "Auntie Natalia". I find this a little odd and don't reciprocate, but it's just a cultural thing. Some people think it's about children showing respect to adults, I think; it possibly harks back to more formal times when your child knew someone well enough that "Mrs X" was far too formal but it didn't feel right to use her first name. I'm an only, so no proper aunts and uncles here, but my DDs call their godfather "Uncle". Nobody else, though.

Original poster

Brandysnaps76 · 19/09/2016 21:55

'I do think it's weird that your DH's family didn't call you "aunty" after you got married, but only after you got pregnant - what's that about?'

It never even bothered me, I didn't even think about being called aunty til they started doing it! I guess they knew once I got pregnant I was sticking around

OP posts:

00100001 · 19/09/2016 21:56

Well, Aunty X could disappear even if shebwas married to your DB, surely?

Original poster

Brandysnaps76 · 19/09/2016 21:56

Oh we got pregnant before marriage, sorry if that was confusing!

OP posts:

NataliaOsipova · 19/09/2016 21:57

And their relationship seems serious but a lot changes between 21 and 30, and I'd hate for my kids and the others get used to Aunty X and then she disappears. Would feel differently if she was just uncle X girlfriend

Can totally understand that - and that's a very different thing from just being a bit touchy about language. Presumably you'd feel differently if they were married/if she were a much longer established partner?

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 19/09/2016 21:57

I'd save my energy for more important things.

This. And I think you're being a little bit mean. Maybe she wants to be part of a loving family.

Original poster

Brandysnaps76 · 19/09/2016 21:58

Aunty X could well disappear. My sister in law spilt up from her hubby so the kids already had one uncle disappear and new one appear. I guess I'm just wary of things being confusing for all the kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

Brandysnaps76 · 19/09/2016 21:59

And yes I would be much more comfortable with it if she was a longer established partner, I think. I just don't like that she refers to them as her nieces and nephews.

OP posts:

Benedikte2 · 19/09/2016 22:00

Brandy, are they actually living together or just going out? If the latter I'd think it rather strange. However, I wouldn't worry about it because when I was younger all adults not referred to as Mr or Mrs X were called auntie & uncle out of respect. Nowadays it's up to family tradition or preference what relatives and friends are called.
I'd let her call hers of auntie and just refer to her by her First name. Then let time decide whether she's ultimately a lawful aunt.
Perhaps this is her way of claiming ownership of your brother-in-law?

PovertyPain · 19/09/2016 22:00

My DH's brothers and sisters are called aunt and uncle by my nephews and niece. I think it's lovely as do my inlaws. It makes them feel as if they are part of my dh's family and loved by them.

DesolateWaist · 19/09/2016 22:01

Well I call my MIL's best friend Aunty X as DH always has done. My grandfather's second wife was called Aunty Z.
Even better though there is lady I have got to know over many years of teaching her extended family, I call her Nanny Y.

To date none of my nieces and nephews have ever called me Aunt or Aunty. I don't recall every referring to any of my actual aunts or uncles as such other than in thank you cards.

QueenLizIII · 19/09/2016 22:01

My sister has two girls and when her female friends are around, my sister refers to her friends as Auntie X and Auntie Y to my nieces. She hasnt known some of them very long either, only a couple of years so not life long family friends

I said to my sister: Im their Auntie, every female friend you have is not.

I dont know why but it riled me a bit.

BennyTheBall · 19/09/2016 22:01

Do people really use 'auntie and uncle' these days? Seems vair 1970s.

In my family, we just use first names.

Original poster

Brandysnaps76 · 19/09/2016 22:01

They moved in together after a year which is a whole other issue, she uprooted her whole life to be here but let's not get into that now

OP posts:

BlueberrySky · 19/09/2016 22:02

I agree it does sound a bit presumptuous.

I hate being called Aunty, I luckily my DSis and kids live abroad and I never see DH's family, so I don't have to deal with it.

My kids refer to all their uncles and aunts by their first name, so again it is not an issue.

Gabilan · 19/09/2016 22:02

I'm aunt to several children I'm not related to - and I was brought up with aunts I'm not related to either. However, I never refer to nieces and nephews - they're friends' children.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 19/09/2016 22:02

I think it's odd his family didn't call you "Aunty" until you had kids of your own! That seems unfair to you.

My DD has had a fair few "aunties" and "uncles" for only a few months at a time in her young life, as she's the first grandchild on both sides and all of mine and Dh's siblings are early-mid 20s and still dating for now.

My rule's been: If I like them, they can be considered "auntie" or "uncle."

So I need to see them more than once at Easter.

NataliaOsipova · 19/09/2016 22:02

The "nieces and nephews" thing is a bit odd, I think. As I said, I'm an only, so none of my own - but I would refer to my DH's nieces as "DH's niece" (if you see what I mean). Funnily enough, one of the older ones (c.12 years my junior) tagged me on Facebook as her aunt - and I found that very strange (if quite touching), especially as we never see her!

HarryPottersMagicWand · 19/09/2016 22:03

YANBU. I don't even refer to all my DCs actual aunts as 'aunty X', they don't deserve it. I certainly wouldn't refer to any partners or husbands as aunt or uncle. They aren't and it's confusing for children when these people disappear. My brother was engaged, we never referred to his fiance as aunt, then they split and we didn't see her again. I also didn't like it when MIL referred to her husband (DH's step dad) as Grandpa X. They split, we never saw him again.

SIL is pregnant, I don't think of myself as aunt to her child and I don't want to be called that.

Original poster

Brandysnaps76 · 19/09/2016 22:04

I think it's odd his family didn't call you "Aunty" until you had kids of your own! That seems unfair to you.

I honestly never even thought twice about it, and I would never have referred to myself as aunty in the first place, I dont care what they call me. It's like she needs to give herself the moniker to dig herself in deeper with the family

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crayfish · 19/09/2016 22:05

I feel weird about being called 'Auntie' by my DH's sister kids, but I'm not sure why because even close friends of mine are 'Auntie' so and so to my DS and that's fine by me!

It's a bit... proprietorial? Of your BIL's girlfriend I suppose but it does no actual harm. Even if they were married they could split up - my first marriage lasted less time than their relationship to be fair. I wouldn't worry about your kids being confused, children are very adaptable and often quite blasé about this kind of thing.

BleakBetty · 19/09/2016 22:05

Whether she disappears or not, I doubt a child's bond with an adult has any relevance to their 'title'. Yes, they could become relatively close and be upset if the relationship ends, but I don't see that the 'aunty' title would have any bearing on a child's upset or opinion in this instance tbh.

I think YABU.

I'm extremely close to my H's family and I'm aunty to his nephews/nieces as well as those on my side.

My relationship with the children is very close and I adore them as if they were my blood.

To be honest, I think having an extended network of loving, supportive adults if a wonderful thing for a child and should be encouraged - she obviously cares for the children and that's great, her 'title' shouldn't bug you so.

Original poster

Brandysnaps76 · 19/09/2016 22:06

And for another example, my mums partner of 8 years is known by his first name to my kids, not Grandad etc. He's not bothered and as much as I like him, he's not their grandad iykwim? So why should she of less than two years declare herself aunty?

OP posts:

pictish · 19/09/2016 22:06

I don't see how it's confusing for kids though. They understand that one relationship can end and another one begin surely? The only time kids need worry about that is when it involves their parents. Otherwise no.

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