AIBU that she calls herself aunty?

[Brandysnaps76]

My brother in law has a girlfriend of 14 months. She's significantly younger than he is. It's a large family, with many siblings and nieces/nephews. Since the beginning, she's always referred to herself as 'aunty X' with my own children and the other cousins. She calls them her nieces and nephewsI find this to be...I'm not sure what the word is, maybe presumptious? We do consider her part of the family, but I just find it too soon to be committing to 'aunty'. Me and my husband have been together a long long time, married last years and it was only when i became pregnant with our first (4 now) that other members of the family referred to me as aunty. And up till then I referred to them as my partners nieces and nephews whenever they came up in conversation.
AIBU to be miffed by this? She can be overbearing and in your face at the best of times, but maybe its just me to think that they've not been in a relationship long enough yet to commit to these roles?

[katemess12]

QueenLiz Why do you think it's up to you who your sister refers to as aunt/uncle to HER children?

Talk about possessive.

[ilovegin112]

What is unfriendly about it? They are his family, not mine. I married him, not his family. I am not part of his family. If he were to die there would be no reason for them to have any contact with me or vice versa.

Christ I find that so cold

[DerekSprechenZeDick]

Call her out on her bad manners then.

I actually feel sorry for her.

[clumsyduck]

This wouldn't bother me I had aunties and uncles as a kid who weren't part of our family just my parents friends and now a couple of my friends dc refer to me as aunty and my Dc refer to some of my close friends as auntie too tho this is probably slightly different as it has always been a thing were I live that people do this

[Lynnm63]

And I said that I couldn't care less if the kids called me aunty or not. Just that I think it's bad manners to give yourself the title.

You are entitled to that opinion but you must have noted that most people who've replied disagree. I guess you either accept it or tell her to stop but you will more than likely upset her and your bil. What does your partner think about it as I assume it's his brother.

[katemess12]

My DH's brother absolutely IS my daughter's uncle and refers to himself as such. I think it's great. If and when he has children, I will consider myself their aunt.

It's news to me that there's such a thing as a child being too loved. It's also news to me that the titles "aunt" and "uncle" are reserved only for blood relatives.

[WanderingStar1]

Agree that OP is probably being a bit unnecessarily bothered. But for all the other posts rejecting their DH's nieces and nephews (Lass et al)- Chunky has pointed out the fact that actually - spouses are also aunts and uncles even if not blood relatives. I couldn't believe all the people making that distinction and saying they didn't consider themselves aunty because it was their DH's relation . How odd? I called my my Dad's sister Aunty x when I was small and her husband was Uncle y - I can't imagine what else I would have called him! And as someone else has said - surely you marry into a family....???

[sussexman]

"I said that I couldn't care less if the kids called me aunty or not. Just that I think it's bad manners to give yourself the title."

You asked if you were being unreasonable. Pretty much everyone else says "well, yes". You also seem to be upset on behalf of other people's children. That rarely turns out to be the best place to be.

[YerAWizardHarry]

I think it odd that a PP said they don't think at early twenties someone isn't 'old enough' to be an auntie, my 3 year old sons aunties are 1, 8, 13, 21 and 23 and are his biological aunties!

[YerAWizardHarry]

Just realised it was the OP who said she didn't feel old enough to be an auntie in her early twenties not another PP

[Brandysnaps76]

.You asked if you were being unreasonable. Pretty much everyone else says "well, yes". You also seem to be upset on behalf of other people's children

That was my whole point of posting, obviously, to try and figure out if I was being unreasonable. And the majority of posters seem to think I am, so it's given me food for thought, but I'm still allowed to defend my position and refute absurd claims about myself.

I don't think I said I was upset on behalf of other peoples children?

[IllMetByMoonlight]

My DC know who is a 'family aunt / uncle' and who us a 'friend aunt / uncle'. A long time in Asia got us warmed up to the idea of a non-related aunt or uncle who is awarded such a title as a term of endearment and a sign of mutual affection. My friend 'aunty Rose' is in many ways more of an aunt to our DCs than DP's sister, actual aunty Dawn. DP has some colleagues at work who have all 'auntied' themselves to our DCs, and absolutely dote on them. Once I realised that it's a local thing (neither of us are from here) I stopped being weirded out by it and now think it is very sweet. But none of the friend / colleague acquired aunts / uncles would ever say that our DCs are their nieces, just Midnight's DCs.

[LassWiTheDelicateAir]

What is unfriendly about it? They are his family, not mine. I married him, not his family. I am not part of his family. If he were to die there would be no reason for them to have any contact with me or vice versa.

Christ I find that so cold

Up to you. I don't particularly like them nor them me. His brother in particular I can't stand the sight of and the feeling is mutual. My husband isn't isn't close to them and rarely sees any of them , none of them live anywhere near us. They hold certain strong political views we both strongly disagree with.

I fail to see why their being related to my husband means I'm supposed to like them. I picked my friends who mean far more to me.

[Brandysnaps76]

.Just realised it was the OP who said she didn't feel old enough to be an auntie in her early twenties

Biologically is different, i meant I wouldn't have been comfortable assuming that title for myself in DHs family at that age.

[NataliaOsipova]

All this sort of etiquette can be a bit of a minefield though - there isn't a consensus any more as to what is expected/appropriate and this can lead to problems. In my grandmother's day, you didn't use first names unless you were on very close terms, so her next door neighbours (with whom, I should add, she was on very friendly terms) were always Mr & Mrs Phillips. In my Mother's day, it was seen as rude for a younger person to call an older person by their first name, hence I had endless family friends who were "Auntie X" and "Uncle Y" because times had moved on and Mr or Mrs seemed too formal. Now nobody is very formal...but there can be unease in situations as a result. I always feel a slight unease when introducing my friends' parents to my small children. I usually get round this by asking the older people "Is it okay for them to call you Paul and Elaine (or whatever!)", as I feel that acknowledges the point without being OTT. The same applies to the OP. Years ago, marriage was absolutely the norm, so nobody would be an "aunt" until they were the wife of the uncle. Now marriage isn't as popular - but obviously a partner can be every bit as much a part of the family. The problem here is that there isn't the formal "entry point" there once would have been - so the brother's girlfriend is perhaps on a slightly different page from the OP as to where she is in relation to the OP and her family. That's all - I don't understand why people take that to mean there is any ill will or dislike there. That's the way I read it, anyway - happy to be corrected!)

[Pardonwhat]

"At that age"

You have a big big chip on your shoulder

[memyselfandaye]

It seems like you don't like her and are nitpicking.

Do you honestly like her and want to be friends with her? Or are you just tolerating her?

[IllMetByMoonlight]

Moonlight's DC, of course, messing up my own Shakespeare, here.
And it seems this young woman is just expressing affection and a desire to create a sense of belonging to your family. I think that is nice.

[Brandysnaps76]

NataliaOsipova-thank you for being able to explain so eloquently what I wasn't able to! You've totally hit the nail on the head, thank you.

[wayway13]

I became "auntie" to my DH's nieces when I married him and I'd known them for 5 years by that point. I'm not suggesting the marriage part is essential but some sort of long term commitment is. My DB's gf is not my DD's aunt, she's Uncle's friend.

[dontrustcharisma]

Auntie/Uncle is a courtesy title and not a statement of blood relationships.
It's used when adults are close to the family in question.
And of course it is used if the child is a blood relation as well

[Brandysnaps76]

Do you honestly like her and want to be friends with her? Or are you just tolerating her?

I was the first one in the family to make her feel comfortable outwith her DP, and we are very much firm friends. Trust me, if I was just tolerating her, I wouldn't have made a post.

[wayway13]

Also, I've had friends refer to themselves as my DD's aunt and I nip that right in the bud.

[Ameliablue]

Although you have said you like her, the way you speak about her suggests otherwise.

[Brandysnaps76]

And it seems this young woman is just expressing affection and a desire to create a sense of belonging to your family. I think that is nice.

That may be true, but I think this is where her age may come into play, giving herself the title suggests naiveity.