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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to looking after friends kids

195 replies

egginthebun · 19/09/2016 14:57

A friend has an interview, now if she gets the job she'll need someone to pick her two kids up from school and keep them till she's finished work. She's asked me to do it. I've had to say no and she isn't too happy! I have two of my own, one 13 and one 7. My 13 yr old walks home from school, I pick my 7 year old up. Her kids are 3 and 7. I really don't want to be burdened with someone else's kids every day after school. I use my very small car to pick youngest up and would need another two car seats which wouldn't fit in my car for a start. We sometimes go out after school and I wouldn't have room for 4 kids in car. Her 7 yr old is a spoilt brat and is really mean to my 7 yr old so that's another reason I don't want to do it! I explained the situation to my friend about having no room in car but she said we could just walk then it would be no problem! I don't want to walk! AIBU to say no? I'm starting to feel like the worse friend ever!

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 20/09/2016 20:17

Blimey-how long did your sister put up with that for?!

MrsKoala · 20/09/2016 20:24

sis said yes without realising the fishing plans. They emerged after when they were all chatting and couldn't understand why sis was annoyed. There was a lot of 'but you were home anyway Confused '

Some people will just never get it.

I used to have it when I worked in a call centre. I was childless but pregnant with ds1 and really unwell. There was one woman who always wanted to swap shifts if she was doing the late one. She would guilt me that her kids would be alone etc. I would always swap and then not get home till 10pm shattered.

Then one day we were chatting and she said something about her dh at home. When I said 'wtf?!' She looked blank and said he had retired years earlier and was a sahd. When I asked why she needed to swap with me then, she said because her kids liked both of them home early. Err, FUCK. OFF. I never swapped again and she couldn't understand why.

dodiebantock · 20/09/2016 20:31

From bitter experience - just say a firm NO. Do not explain or give any reason. As you already found out when you mentioned car difficulties she suggested you walk. As soon as you try to find a nice friendly way to say it she will have an alternative answer as to how you can do it. Also please think (!) ... how long is this going to go on - until the little one goes to senior school? You have opened the floodgates for holidays, half terms and sickness duties if you agree now. "Well you've always done it before and the children love coming to you" is what you will hear. How would you manage if say you were unwell or needed to go somewhere for yourself - you will certainly find yourself organising your own life and all the extra after school events around your friend's needs. Did she even check with you before even applying for the job. Also wait until the guilt starts bombarding you ....."I could go to work but can't now because you wouldn't help me" etc etc blah blah. In this case fore warned is fore armed. Better to be straight now and save yourself possibly years of childcare you never wanted or planned for. Perhaps in a couple of years you might like to look for a job that would suit you - then having to disentangle yourself from this very demanding friend's needs. do I sound as though I speak from bitter personal experience? ...yes! Be firm - No is a short word which could save you a long time spent being put upon. Good luck!

squeak10 · 20/09/2016 20:35

No, no, no

KindergartenKop · 20/09/2016 20:48

Well done for saying no. It's not always easy! Yanbu.

cheval · 20/09/2016 22:13

You almost have to admire your 'friend's' bare-faced cheek to even ask. And then to be pissed off when you say no. Would keep her at barge-pole length. She sounds awful.

louisejxxx · 20/09/2016 22:22

I've read so many of these threads but always end up still being gobsmacked at these people who just expect people to do something that only benefits them for free. Madness!!!!

Jaxhog · 20/09/2016 22:44

She isn't a friend if she thinks it is reasonable to ask this. You don't need 'friends' like this.

As several people have said, don't explain. Just. Say. No.

Tapandgo · 20/09/2016 23:00

No real friend would ask this of you, and certainly no friend would have the audacity to be annoyed when you refused.
Can she really imagine your life is all about propping up her choices?

Sosco76 · 21/09/2016 05:56

YANBU and it might be worth suggesting that by getting official childcare she might be able to claim Working or Child Tax credit that could help with the cost? One offs are being a friend but asking you to do more is taking the piss and makes the friendship totally unbalanced.

CatNip2 · 21/09/2016 06:26

Umizoomi, you are talking rubbish, my Audi A1, a year old, only has four seats, yes I could squash three kids in the back but one wouldn't have a seat belt! My Alfa Romeo before it only had four seats too. It is not uncommon.

Ditsy4 · 21/09/2016 06:34

say sorry that won't work for me. Not sure of the rules now but I think you would have to register as a childminder too.
She could get a job that is flexible with parents.

Finola1step · 21/09/2016 10:21

I would love to have your so called friend's brassed neck. Just for one day. To see what it is like being that self absorbed. But just for a day.

nonicknameseemsavailable · 21/09/2016 10:31

er no. simple. you have no responsibility to look after her children so she can have a different job. absolutely not

MCMLXVII · 21/09/2016 11:02

Totally agree with all of the posters saying YANBU refusing to provide free childcare.

However YABU to drive when it's clearly a short walk :-D

Bettercallsaul1 · 21/09/2016 11:06

Ditsy - The OP wouldn't have to register as a childminder as there is only a duty to register if you are providing paid childcare, and the OP's "friend" has no intention of paying her! No doubt an altruistic move to save her the hassle of registration. Grin

Original poster
egginthebun · 21/09/2016 11:26

MCMLXVII How's it clearly a short walk?

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 21/09/2016 11:39

However YABU to drive when it's clearly a short walk

I hate these sort of posts, someone determined to criticise the OP about something - anything - no matter how reasonable they actually are. And this one is ridiculous since at no point does the OP actually state anything about distances! Even if it was the next street if you have a car you can drive it anywhere you want anyway.

icouldabeenacontender · 21/09/2016 12:00

Totally agree laguna.

Original poster
egginthebun · 21/09/2016 12:07

Exactly LAGUNA! That comment wound me up! As it is it's only a 40 min round trip if I walked but most of the time I have places to go after school run. Jeez why am I explaining myself!

OP posts:
IceRoadDucker · 21/09/2016 13:04

YABU.

Would it hurt you to help out a friend? Jeez.

IceRoadDucker · 21/09/2016 13:04

...Not really. Just had to do it; I just couldn't cope with a unanimous AIBU where everybody was behaving reasonably and nobody had told you to log it with 101. YANBU!

TheMaddHugger · 21/09/2016 13:12

IceRoadDucker haha

To say no to looking after friends kids
BiddyPop · 21/09/2016 13:28

a 40 minute round trip walking is a nice amble on a warm and dry early autumn morning. But it's a fair old distance on a cold rainy afternoon in the middle of winter!!

Original poster
egginthebun · 21/09/2016 13:45

IceRoadDucker that made me laugh! Smile

OP posts: