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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to looking after friends kids

195 replies

egginthebun · 19/09/2016 14:57

A friend has an interview, now if she gets the job she'll need someone to pick her two kids up from school and keep them till she's finished work. She's asked me to do it. I've had to say no and she isn't too happy! I have two of my own, one 13 and one 7. My 13 yr old walks home from school, I pick my 7 year old up. Her kids are 3 and 7. I really don't want to be burdened with someone else's kids every day after school. I use my very small car to pick youngest up and would need another two car seats which wouldn't fit in my car for a start. We sometimes go out after school and I wouldn't have room for 4 kids in car. Her 7 yr old is a spoilt brat and is really mean to my 7 yr old so that's another reason I don't want to do it! I explained the situation to my friend about having no room in car but she said we could just walk then it would be no problem! I don't want to walk! AIBU to say no? I'm starting to feel like the worse friend ever!

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 19/09/2016 16:13

YDNBU. It's okay now and again, say. As a last resort, but. Not every single evening. That's abusing a friendship.

FarAwayHills · 19/09/2016 16:14

YANBU your 'friend' is.

I got caught in a similar situation in the past. I did a favour for a friend one day after school that then turned into regular requests. There was never a formal arrangement just a text on the day. When I realised I was being used as regular childcare I said that I couldn't do it any longer. This 'friend' totally blanked me at school from then on.

rookiemere · 19/09/2016 16:15

Cheeky mare.

7 year old if not spoilt brat one or two days a week, then maybe.
Someone else's 3 year old ( incidentally how are they at school already?) - when hell freezes over.

Has she not figured out that you chose to work weekends and have no overall family time because of just this problem, and she wants you to solve it for her for free.

I'd reassess the "friendship" she sounds like an emotionally illiterate user.

YouTheCat · 19/09/2016 16:15

She sounds awful.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2016 16:15

I would have told her that its not your problem, you have to find a job within school hours, or pay for childcare silly piss taking 'friend' I use that term loosely.

wayway13 · 19/09/2016 16:21

Wtf?! NO YANBU! She is expecting you to be her own personal after school club. Friend or not (and I don't think a friend would ask this) you should be free to focus on your own children.

As for the "just walk" Fuck. Right. Off.

tiggytape · 19/09/2016 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 19/09/2016 16:24

I'm currently going through with this with a relative. The help needed is genuine (hospital) so it's difficult to say no but I'm definitely being taken for granted (being left in the dark/told last minute, pick up times get later and later until I have to subtly have my DC I'm pyjamas when she picks up - DH figured out from what's app convos she was going out for dinner after and taking her time at my expense) and its leaving me out of pocket whilst she's saving money for holidays Hmm I also have my own DC to look after as well and haven't had a single favour returned.

Don't be a mug like me and say NO!

MoreCoffeeNow · 19/09/2016 16:26

Stay firm, OP.

LittleBeautyBelle · 19/09/2016 16:28

Op, DO NOT feel guilty. This woman is no friend of yours, expecting you to take care of her children every day. She is the one who should feel bad guilting you into doing this. I would never expect anyone, friend or relative, to just take care of my dc every day. That is beyond manipulative of her also to lay the guilt on and she knows it, I'm willing to bet.

Don't give her excuses or explanations about why you can't, while they're all good and reasonable. Just tell her, "you're asking and expecting me to take care of your dc every day? And trying to make me feel guilty? NO." That's it.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 19/09/2016 16:28

Oh and don't get me started on the fact I got told the DC wasn't a fussy eater...which then turns out she basically exists on sweets and dust.

pottymummy · 19/09/2016 16:30

Op are you a registered childminder? Do you have vacancies? Nope? Thought not. Then stay strong.

YogaDrone · 19/09/2016 16:32

I'm not sure I would have been able to bite my tongue and not say "I don't blame you not wanting to interview for a job that doesn't even pay enough to cover after school fees".

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 19/09/2016 16:34

The whole idea is ludicrous. I take it the 3 year old only does half days? So that means doing the walk four times which would take a big chunk out of your day. You'd be out of pocket due to having to give her kids something to eat plus providing stuff like soap and loo paper. Plus you'd have to sort out some way to look after three small children when you go to after school events like parent/teacher meetings. And she clearly hasn't thought about the holidays at all.

If the job she's going for is only viable if she gets free childcare then no, it isn't worth her while going for the interview. But that is nothing whatsoever to do with you.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 19/09/2016 16:38

Totally what YogaDrone said!

EarthboundMisfit · 19/09/2016 16:38

You are definitely not being unreasonable!

expatinscotland · 19/09/2016 16:41

You only thought she was pisstaking 'a bit'? You seriously need to access your boundaries, because she was pisstaking a lot.

'Just spoke to her at school gates and she said it's not worth her even going for the interview now....trying a guilt trip! '

'Aw, that's a pity. Hope something more suitable turns up.' The end.

Cheeky bitch.

FrancisCrawford · 19/09/2016 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 19/09/2016 16:46

You don't have to say anything or find any excuses except no, that won't be possible, I'm not and don't want to be, a childminder.

Apart from collecting them from school what about when they're ill, school holidays or training days etc? She's asking you to take on a permanent job and trying to make you feel bad for not bending over backwards for her.

expatinscotland · 19/09/2016 16:46

And it's beside the point because the OP doesn't want to be a childminder or take care of this woman's, or anyone else's, kids.

HateSummer · 19/09/2016 16:47

She's a mad woman. I would hate someone else's kids at my house every single weekday evening. Sounds like hell.

SouthWindsWesterly · 19/09/2016 16:50

I've been caught in this trap before. Looking after her kids for the one off interview is one thing. Having them every single week is taking the piss. But you know that already, don't you?

YelloDraw · 19/09/2016 16:53

Did you just laugh in her face?

Bettercallsaul1 · 19/09/2016 16:54

As can be seen from the unanimity on this thread, your "friend" is being completely unreasonable! It is amazing, however, how common this type of situation is - people just assuming that someone else will take on the (free) care of their children indefinitely, to help them work etc. I know two people who fell foul of this type of situation - both said "yes" when asked because they were taken by surprise/initially sympathised with friend's situation, only to live to regret it when the true inconvenience and one-sidedness of the situation eventually sunk in. I agree wholeheartedly with the pp who said to nip it in the bud at the first request!

8misskitty8 · 19/09/2016 16:54

It won't just be after school for the 5 days a week will it. What about school holidays, 5 full days a week you'd be doing !
She is not a friend, a proper friend wouldn't ask you to do this.

I wouldn't even offer to help out the odd day, you'd end up looking after them all the time.

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