To have sent all the children home from the sleepover, before they had even gone to sleep...

[Waterstick]

My son is shy, but seems to have made friends, so I thought he wanted a sleepover (he's 9) and most people are having them now.

When they arrived, they didn't really interact with DS, just between each other and every time they laughed, DS seemed to just come out to me.

I was upstairs doing general tidying, but hear DS start to cry, he was some how trapped in the toilet, the kids seemed to be engaged with the telly and wouldn't speak when I asked about it. DS cannot lock the door, but yet it's not hard to lock from the outside with a coin. DS swore to me that he never touched the lock so wasn't sure why he was stuck in there.

Honestly, the whole time it felt like they didn't want DS there and it was his party! The bit that then topped it over the edge was when my son was trying to put a DVD into the telly and one of them shoved him out the way and quickly changed the DVD. I saw that and told them that it wasn't okay and they were all going home.

It just wasn't on, I'm quite horrified.

Rant over.

I probably was being U though.

I was very to the point.

Phoned first parent "X shoved DS out of the way and has been excluding him at his own birthday sleepover, so he is no longer welcome"

2nd parent

3rd parent

I like bluntness, I can deal with people being blunt. It's passive aggressive bullshit I can't handle.

I think its brave of you. Its hard to be a parent in the face of masses of pressure.
Also think sleepovers are the work of the devil.

If you know some nicer boys from cubs, mabey a sleepover with them. Those boys sounded unpleasant, I hate people minimising bullying behaviour, being at the receiving end of it myself.

But the thing is if this WAS a one off - and I'm sure the school would have alerted you if it was typical behaviour - then no doubt the parents will be advising their kids to keep away from your ds now. Which is a real shame if he wasn't co-erced into inviting them and they are actually his 3 best friends at school.
Even if you were going to call to have them collected then a slightly more tactful call wouldn't have gone amiss.
Unless it was your intention to burn all bridges - in which case you have likely succeeded but it may be difficult for your ds if these are the 3 boys he usually plays with.

I think DS made a mistake in the people he wanted to invite. Maybe they're the cool crowd at school. There will be fall out at school make no mistake.
9 year olds are not that little. However you did the right thing OP

Well there might have been a fallout anyway, whether the sleepover went ahead or not. Yes in the grand scheme of things they are little, we are not talking about a 13/14 year olds. What is done is done, op should alert the teacher to keep an eye on things. Yes op was very blunt, but emotions sometimes come over us. I might have said, please can you come an collect X, its not working out between the boys.

I think you did the right thing.

But, I also think you need to talk to his teachers at school right away. This may well not be an isolated incident, and his school life might become even more difficult after this cancelled sleepover.

You might consider looking into moving him to a new primary school if the reports back from the school re social issues aren't positive ... it can make a huge difference having a reboot and starting fresh. Perhaps where his cub group friends go?

I think you did the right thing, they sound horrid. I think there might be some comeback at school but I still think you did the right thing. I wouldn't have children doing this sort of pass agg meanness to my child in my own home! Maybe discreetly let school/teacher know and they can keep an eye out? I experienced lots of passive aggressive horrid treatment as a youngster, never anything you could describe as bullying ( I thought) but made me feel like shit for years to be honest. I wish someone had nipped it in the bud or taught me how to find some nicer friends!

Well i agree that they shouldnt get away with it. How awful for your ds. I'm not sure what i would have done. Probably have given the children a talkingt to about appropriate behaviour hoping the threat was enough. I'm not sure if thats what you did. I would have had it out with them with the threat of informing parents. I know your intentions were definetly for the best. However if it was my son, i would be afraid i had made things worse and caused him embaressment at school. Children can be so cruel and this may well make his situation worse. I really hope that things blow over.

I think it's a great shame that this al happened.

I think communication is key - could have helped before and during - is certainly going to be key to a successful outcome in the next few days.

So beforehand;

• who are these boys you want to have over for a sleepover, but who have never been over for a simple play date before?

During;

• Now boys, what's going on here...shall we have a chat about how we all treat each other?

Finishing it off - to parents

• I'm sorry to say, we've been having some problems here, so I think I'm going to call time on the party and ask you to come and collect the boys. This is all very tricky, but I think it would be the best thing. Perhaps I can talk to you about it a bit more next week. (Crucially here - some kind of tact, which keeps open channels of communication for the future)

After - to child

• Tell me about how you get on with these boys at school and if this kind of thing has happened before.
• Tell me exactly what was happening and what you were doing too

• To the school
• we've had an issue at a sleepover with a few of the boys .....explain
• have there been any issues with X and these boys at school that you've noticed? Would you say they are good friends at school?

• To the parents after the event
• I'm sorry I had to end the event. There were some issues with the boys being unkind to X. I've had a chat to the teacher and it seems these issues are ongoing and the school is dealing with them,mso it might just be best for a while if they don't spend time together out of school- I hope you understand.

Or AFter first 2 sentences....I've had a chat to the teacher and I glad to say there don't seem to have been ongoing issues at school, bu t on this occasion at the party, things really just didn't seem to be going well, so it seemed right to end it. I hope you understand.

Communication with the boy, the school and with the parents is really important. Being honest is good, but being blunt in an untactful way is unnecessary and not conducive to the best long term outcomes.

I hope you're able to have that important chat with your son before school starts next week, with the teachers and later with the parents. I hope you get to the bottom of what was going on and find a way forward for your boy and also with these parents. I hope you a able to help him choose a friend to have over for a social occasion that can work for him. Best of luck.

I also think you did the right thing, and would second talking to the school. If these boys had not been mentioned by your DS before, and you were not aware of them being generally on the scene as part of his circle of school friends, then it is possible that he was also coerced into inviting them.

Wombat's got it pretty well expressed there.

I would have sent them home too, by the way. They sound like they were being horrid.

I think you have probably made things worse for your ds in school. And the parents will now also be gossiping about you.

I think you should have just organised more things they had to do together and only left them alone when the film was on. You knew your son was shy socially so he could have maybe done with some support from you to navigate everything . I think you should have organised a few activities. 9yo's are generally not mean on purpose- locking someone in the bathroom could be hilarious (I realise your son didn't think so but others would).

I think they just needed far more supervision than you gave?

fuck that.. home they go.

This quote from PP sums up my entire feelings on the matter. YANBU, glad your son saw you defending him! Well done OP

"locking someone in the bathroom could be hilarious (I realise your son didn't think so but others would)."

And those kind of people are assholes, and if they're not already bullies, will grow up to be.

I want nothing to do with people who think its 'funny' to lock someone else in the bathroom.. its not funny, its mean... getting joy out of humiliating someone else is not funny or nice.

I was bullied by a so called friend, and these kind of things were done to me regularly in the name of 'fun' only i don't remember ever laughing or finding it funny having someone who was supposed to be a friend, taking the piss out of me.

I've not RTFT here so excuse me if I'm wading in with my two left feet here, but OMG what is this world where mums would gossip about the OP here? If any of my kids behaved this badly at a party, I'd have been really ashamed of them and they would have known it. I certainly wouldn't be gossiping in the playground about it. These kids ought to apologise. Your poor son.

I would be ashamed if my child behaved so badly that i had to fetch them as well.

The fact that people feel the OP is about to become gossiped about is horrid.. honestly, if my friend told me her kid had been bought home for bullying the birthday child, i wouldn't be bitching about the birthday childs mum, i'd be asking my friend if she made her son apologise and what his punishment was!

And those kind of people are assholes

That pretty much sums it up.
Along with a good description of parents gossiping when it was their own children who misbehaved. I'd have been going down on DS like a tonne of bricks.

And if the other mums gossip (they won't) then who cares ithe ops son is far more important than a bit of adult gossip

The thing is, that if you are told your child has been a bully, it is often a bit of a shock......and understandably you will want to know some details about it....much as you would if there were an issue at school.

People say they would all want to know and be supportive of the OP. However the reality is that parents are often defensive of their child - especially without all the info. I, not saying that the Op shouldn't have ended the party and called the parents......but doing that has to be handled right.

With children misbehaving, you always speak to them first about their behaviour and explain what's not appropriate. You appreciate that children's understanding of what is and isn't nice behaviour isn't as developed as adults and they might need a bit more guidance. You give them a chance to improve before the situationescalates and before serious action is needed. If serious action is still them needed, so be it.

And you communicate properly with the parents too - so they've got the full story. They need to go home and talk to their kids about what has happened and they can't without the full story. When communicating, you remember that you will have to see the parents again and the boy will be in class with these other boys again......so good communication can help these relationships in the future and poor communication make it even more difficult. This doesn't mean you have to avoid being honest about what happened.....but you have to be tactful and constructive in how you handle it.

Sleepovers are a nightmare with several children. IMO the perfect number is either 1 plus the home child or 3 plus the home child. 1 is better.

Chocolatewombat gave great advice. With this age group, you have to be really on top of them. Organise activities, be brutal about calling out kids on bad behaviour but in a cheery enough tone.

OP, my middle child sounds very like your son. Wanted to have kids over/parties but in fact found it very hard to deal with big groups and would often be on the outside. She does much better in groups of 1/2/3 friends - and even then, she could sometimes be found sitting out while her sister sat with her friends. She found the rough and tumble of social settings overwhelming and needed space. She is very much an introvert although a gregarious one. She also took every slight/every kid barging her out of the way as a personal affront and couldn't bounce back the way my other kids could.

I think you need to look hard at your son and think about which kinds of social interactions he will do better in (they may not always be the ones he asks for) and also try to teach him some skills in dealing with bargey, bossy kids in group settings. It isn't always bullying, sometimes it is just learning how to hold your own with strong or maybe insensitive personalities.

If kids are bullying, that is different (dd was bullied too so I know that one) but sleepovers and parties that go wrong aren't always bullying. I have told a child at a sleepover that her choices were to go to sleep now or we would bring her home (2 am!) because I was so bloody sick of going in and out and sorting out the social dynamics. She went to sleep.

And to be honest, I would have said to the parents "they are all getting a bit overexcited and I think they'd be happier at home" and let them read what they wanted into that.

Sleep overs are definitely something to be had with one friend at a time and only then, if you have had them over before during the day and you feel comfortable about it all. I don't blame you for sending them all home early if you and your son weren't happy - you made the right decision for you at the time. Don't worry :)

CanYouForgive - very sensible comments!

As posters on here, we weren't there at that birthday party. We didn't see Exactly how those children behaved . We didn't see how the little lad whose birthday it was behaved. New don't know what the background relationship between those children was.

We do know the Mum, the OP found the event really upsetting so ended it.we know from her that she bluntly told the parents that the children had been very unkind to her son and she was ending the event.

It isn't really possible for us to know if the actions of the other children were bullying or not, if the birthday boy was overly sensitive or not.....but clearly things were not going well and the OP did what she thought was right and ended the event.

What happen so on is really important.

She needs to have a big chat with her boy - about the relationship he had with the other boys before and also what actually happened - she was upstairs some of the time. It's important to be open mixed in these conversations, because things are not always what they first seem and the mother instinct to see ones own child as entirely innocent and the others as entirely in the wrong is strong. It's really important to realise things are often not quite as simple as they first seem.

The conversations with school and with the other parents in the coming week are very important. The children have effectively been accused of bullying - a big claim - might be warranted, or be a bit extreme - but those parents who received that message deserve a fuller explanation of what happened. The school need to know and weight be able to shed light of the relationships.

So actually, simply wading in to defend your child isn't something to do without thinking first about HOW to do it best. Ending the party may well have been exactly the right thing to do, but that little chap needs to be in class again with those boys, the Mum in the playground with the parents and the boy needs to be able to have friends round again in a way that works. The simplistic approach isn't always the best for ensuring the best outcome into the future. Situations and relationships are complex and need careful handling and children themselves need to learn to look at things from the point of view of others and to learn to look at themselves too.

All of the children can probably learn something from what happened - the boy himself, the other boys involved - if they are given a chance to learn it, which involves careful discussion, not a simplistic 'you were the victim' or 'you were the bully'.

Theyre not friends....YANBU. For all those saying youve made it harder on Monday, no, shes shown her ds he doesnt have to out up with thier shit and that its ok to stand up for yourself.
Your poor ds