To have sent all the children home from the sleepover, before they had even gone to sleep...

[Waterstick]

My son is shy, but seems to have made friends, so I thought he wanted a sleepover (he's 9) and most people are having them now.

When they arrived, they didn't really interact with DS, just between each other and every time they laughed, DS seemed to just come out to me.

I was upstairs doing general tidying, but hear DS start to cry, he was some how trapped in the toilet, the kids seemed to be engaged with the telly and wouldn't speak when I asked about it. DS cannot lock the door, but yet it's not hard to lock from the outside with a coin. DS swore to me that he never touched the lock so wasn't sure why he was stuck in there.

Honestly, the whole time it felt like they didn't want DS there and it was his party! The bit that then topped it over the edge was when my son was trying to put a DVD into the telly and one of them shoved him out the way and quickly changed the DVD. I saw that and told them that it wasn't okay and they were all going home.

It just wasn't on, I'm quite horrified.

Rant over.

I probably was being U though.

I have also found a clear 'we all need to be kind to each other' and incentives like the best behaved child can choose next DVD etc work well.

Also not sure why you posted on aibu op as you were clearly determined you did the right thing from the start.

I'm just wondering, from what you say, were these boys ACTUAL "friends"? I say that because when I was his age and getting bullied, a lot of it was what I call passive-aggressive bullying and if you like "stealth" bullying, in that it's not always really obvious to others seeing individual moments but it's actually a very real and relentless campaign against the victim.

It often manifests by way of some bullying kids latching on to a shy kid, PRETENDING to be his/her friend, and then actually making the shy kid's life pretty miserable; e.g.: excluding from conversations, acts of aggression, jokes at the child's expense, acts of dominance, forcing the shy child into situations that make them uncomfortable, but all things that can be explained away as "oh we're just having a laugh". It's confusing for the shy child because they want to have a group of friends but the "friends" are actually the bullies.

I'm wondering if your DS was pressured into having this sleepover; it doesn't sound like he was keen on it and he didn't seem comfortable with them being there at all. This, to me, suggests a child who has felt pressured to "invite" the very people bullying him into his home (his safe place) and feeling very vulnerable as a result. Or did your DS actually invite one friend and the rest decided they'd come along too and bullied your son into inviting them?

I could be completely wrong in respect of your DS; I only say this because I recognise the behaviour and the kind of reaction of your DS.

In any event, good for you standing up for him and I hope he's okay.

I think op, stick to one friend over, and a playdate rather than a sleepover. Mabey op like bumsex has suggested should have intervened in that way, and issued a warning to call parents if the behaviour continues. At the end of the day, op had her ds back, and quite rightly called an end to the sleepover. I am still shaking my head of people excusing bullying behaviour!

This sounds like it was a horrible situation. I'm not justifying the behaviour of the children, but I think it might have been avoidable.

Firstly, it sounds like the boy himself didn't ask for the sleepover and that the invited people weren't really good friends. Mum was clearly trying to help him socially integrate and thought big sleepovers were what people did and that it would be enjoyable. For whatever reason, that little chap isn't well integrated in the group....perhaps it is the same at school, but it became very unpleasant in his own home. It does sound like a mistake to have a big group and to have people who weren't genuine friends.

Given the realisation of what was happening, I think the Mum did the right and brave thing. Not easy to ring a load of parents and to say their children have been unpleasant and so need collecting.

The aftermath will be interesting, but is not a reason not to have pulled the plug on the event. The Mum will need to tell the school about what has happened, so the teacher can keep an eye out for any nasty behaviour in response to what happened from the children. I also think the Mum needs to go out of her way in building bridges with the parents.....it wasn't their fault what happened, they probably feel awkward about it all and not sure how to respond to her....so simply being friendly to them, will hopefully draw a line under It and e adult relationships to continue.......which is important, bot for her, but also for the boy who in terms of future friendships might require some input from his mum dealing with other Mums to make arrangements.

I agree that smaller events with fewer children and for very time limited amounts of time and often better, especially when establishing friendships - lots of people, who a whole evening and night can be a recipe for disaster, even in very close groups of friends. 2 hours with 1 friend is much more manageable and likely to be a success.

Yes, you've got it wrong and didn't ready my OP. DS asked for a sleepover with these boys, hence I assumed they were his friends.

Two is company,three and any more is a crowd

Right decision imo

Alfagirl that is exactly what I thought

Op I've had something similar happen to my dd. I invited two of her friends on a day trip and they left her out all day. I said to them at one point 'can you please stop leaving her out!' They just smirked at each other. I said 'right I'm taking you home now.' Dd who is very easy going and quite soft was grateful I ended the day as she was so miserable. I told both sets of parents. One was genuinely mortified and apologetic. The other was angry and has never spoken to me again. I'm still getting dirty looks in the playground but I'm glad that friendship has ended as her dd is turning into a very nasty little girl.
I think you should be prepared for some fallout from this. Some parents and kids will never forgive you for this. You are better off without them but it may be tough.

Sorry Op. From your early posts I couldn't tell if your son was instigating - sounded like it came from you. Very sad that the people he wanted to invite were then so unkind.

Have you chatted to him about it all since it happened? Did he consider them friends? Were they people who had bullied him previously and demanded to come to his house, or whom he thought would stop bullying if he invited them over? Regardless, it must have been horrible for him and very unpleasant for you to witness too.

If you speak to the school about what has happened, they might be able to throw light on the background to some of these relationships. Hope you find a way forward with these boys and also that some nicer, truer friends turn up soon.

Yes, you've got it wrong and didn't ready my OP.

Your OP was actually not clear at all. Being pedantic, perhaps, but the lack of a stop easily induced readers in error. Not to mention other comments.
Don't blame the readers. (who just wanted clarification, not to bash you at all, and are on your side... )

Btw when I say it sounded like he felt pressured into having the sleepover - I mean pressured by the other kids, not by you. So he would therefore ask for the sleepover and say that he wanted to invite the kids; but when it came to it, he was, understandably, uncomfortable.

I wasn't being funny! It's just because people are jumping on me about forcing him to have the sleepover. I did clearly write he wanted a sleepover (he's 9)

the lack of a stop easily induced readers in error

Hardly the most pellucid of constructions itself!

In the first post, you said YOU THOUGHT he wanted a sleepover. There was no mention of him wanting one.

However, this isn't the big issue here OP. PEople ARE on your side, so dont get touchy about their responses and feel you are being blamed. People were trying to establish if HE or YOU instigated it all - whoever instigated it isn't to blame for the kids being nasty.

I hope you get to the bottom of what the background to the relationship of this all was....and also that he finds some good friends.

I am sorry that the sleepover did not work out. I think you did the right thing to send those nasty children home. Your son needs to know that no one had the right to bully him like that. I hope you are clear to the parents what went wrong and why their child was sent home. If the parents are half decent human beings the they will be mortified.

No, read my OP again

I clearly put:

he wanted a sleepover (he's 9)

I'd have sent them home too. At 9 they should have some bloody manners and be respectful of others.

But thank you everyone, I don't mean to sound touchy, but I did say he wanted!

for the hard of reading
"My son is shy, but seems to have made friends, so I thought he wanted a sleepover"

clearly the OP put a sentence break in there, it reads.

My son is shy, but seems to have made friends, so i thought.
He wanted a sleepover.

Oh come on, why do people always excuse kids behaviour? Just because they're kids!

I have no idea - because they're blind to their child's behaviour? Because they're Angels?

Girls are just as bad

OP I would have sent them home too - let the parents deal with them

If there's any issues on Monday go from there - But they won't be getting anymore invited from you!!

Aww good.on you op, you stuck up for your boy and taught those kids and their parents that being nasty to people has consequences.

You did the right thing entirely.

I agree with Pudcat. Yes there's a possibility it'll make it worse, but I can't stand how adults nowadays live in fear of child bullies "being provoked". How about we just give the little bastards sanctions? My kids were bullied (sweet souls with, in my ds's case social awkwardness, and in my ds's case a strong preference for doing as the teacher asked vs chaos) & the schools said "zero tolerance for bullying" while never actually punishing the bullies in anyway. Just talked at them about "how to be good friends". Crazy-making.

You did the right thing. Sorry your DS is having to put up with them.

I think you did the right thing. It's really important for your DS to know that you have his back, and you modelled really good boundaries for him. Yes, there may be some unpleasantness from the boys at school, but if you speak to the teacher then he or she can look out for it and deal with it.

Out of interest, what time did you phone the parents at? What did you say to them? I probably would have wimped out and said something like 'Could you collect XX as he seems a bit tired and emotional and needs to go home.'

I know it is missing the point of the thread, but a good spray of WD40 should sort out the lock.